Tor's New Year's Resolutions for 2KX

Happy New Year's from all of us at Tor's Take! It's time to make proclamations that none of us are going to keep, I mean, am I riiighhh(incoherent coughs and harrumphs)? Here they are, dammit.

• Be more consistent with my 2010 letter shorthand.
• Find a nice girl and settle down.
• Guess correctly on a "How Many Jelly Beans Are In This Barrel?" contest.
• Shoot a sheriff and admit to it melodically.
• Get a parole officer to keep me focused.
• Give back to the world with more popular YouTube videos.
• Teach a homeless man how to recycle his home so that he will recycle forever.
• Punch Jeff Daniels.
• Break a mirror to get 7 years bad luck thus ensuring the world won't end in 2012. You're welcome, everyone!
• Market my new video game, Stand-Up Hero, for XBox 360, Wii, and Playstation 3.
• Stage an intervention for Krazy Glue.
• Set up meeting with Coach and Louis Vuitton to create a stylish bindle as part of a Hobo Couture collection.
• Take over at least 2 of Tiger Woods' lost endorsements.
• Lead a New Jersey invasion hell-bent on overtaking and absorbing Pennsylvania.
• Perform in a 16 city tour of a 2-person Vaudeville show with William Peterson entitled "Tor-Pete-o."
• Make baked ziti.
• Finally rid the world of stereotypes by replacing them with iPodtypes (for the kids!).
• Make sure people never forget Michael Jackson.
• Get a blank check from Miguel Ferrer and spend 90 minutes eluding him and Tone Loc.
• Start campaign to make Alex Trebek a contestant on "Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" to put him in his stupid place.
• Learn a parlor trick.
• Have tea with any available queen.
• Free the puppets from the tyrannical rule of Metallica. 24 years is enough.
• Open an East Coast location of the Peach Pit.
• Keep blogging.

What are yours?

Live Blogging My 31st Birthday

I did this last year and it was a big hit with my readers (Read: wife and mother). So I thought I would do it again but this year I'm going to make it like a test. I will tweet the questions and I will put the answers here for you (Read: wife and mother) to check. Happy Birthday to me!!

1) I woke up to

a) my wife bringing me breakfast in bed.

b) my wife snoring loudly with her back turned.

Answer: b - But here's the whole story: Loly woke up early and made me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries just like I like every morning. However, when she went to get the orange juice, she found out we were out of it so she put everything down the garbage disposal and went back to bed. Understandable and the right move. A for Affort. God, she snores loudly.

2) True or False - Every year, my parents give me a different flavor of Baskin Robbins on my birthday not expecting me to live past this year.

Answer: False - I don't like ice cream.

3) What's the best birthday present I've ever gotten?

a) my wife's love

b) my Toyota Camry

c) original Nintendo

d) 3 way tie

Answer: No way it could be a 3-way tie. The answer is c) Original Nintendo - I can't begin to describe the joy I felt when I opened this present. I was probably the last of my friends to get it because my dad thought it would make me a shut-in but he caved. I played so much Mario and while I do love a practical car, it does not compare. Oh right, my wife told me she loved me on a day in February. Just a regular day. Totally wasted that one. She's not good at waiting.

4) Where am I going to lunch with my parents and grandpa?

a) Houlihan's

b) Penthouse Strip Club

c) Friendly's

Answer: a) Though my wife tells me the steaks are great there, we will be passing on the Penthouse Strip Club because my grandpa doesn't like to go to the city. And Friendly's is just more ice cream. I was seeing if you were paying attention to the whole quiz. Anyway, I love me some Houlihan's chicken fingers! The best best best honey mustard sauce ever!! EVER!!

5) What is my biggest wish for 2010?

a) fame

b) healthy baby

c) xbox 360

d) why can't I have them all?

Answer: b) What am I? A monster? Of course I want a healthy baby over an Xbox 360. That would be ridiculous. Now, as for Fame, I meant the DVD of the fantastic remake of the TV show so of course I want a healthy baby over that. I don't care how good Frasier was in in it.

6) Essay - What would be my perfect birthday?

Loly wakes up early and makes me pancakes, bacon, waffles, steak, ham, lasagna, and home fries but this time with orange juice, thank you very much. (You should have gotten this part if you were playing along today. Just saying.) I eat my large breakfast while watching "Anchorman" twice, back-to-back. (It's a big breakfast and I want to savor it.)

Then I take a bath using Watermelon Elmo Bubble Bath. It leaves me feeling baby soft and smelling like a jolly rancher. After I run around the house, both to air dry and avoid my licking dogs, I take Loly to a park where we recreate "I'll Cover You" from the wonderful musical "Rent." I'm sure it's self-explanatory who will sing what parts.

After the applause from the other people at the park dies down, we get lunch at Houlihan's because I love their chicken fingers with honey mustard. I let Loly get Snickers Crunch Pie because I like to share my daily joy with the love of my life and, also, she's paying.

Needing some exercise, Loly takes me to the miniature golf course that Happy Gilmore plays in the movie. I've always wanted to play mini-golf there. Haven't you?

We are there for a while because I keep winning free rounds on the 18th hole. In fact, when I leave they make a rule limiting the amount of free rounds a person can win. It is called the "18th LimiTortion."

We go to dinner at Calle Ocho for delicious steak with an egg on it. Loly has dessert again.

My birthday ends with Loly and I getting into bed. She rolls over, looks me in the eye, hesitates, and oh so slowly tells me I'm funny. We say good night and I fall asleep hoping to dream about the day all over again.

Tor's Onion Stories: December 29, 2009

I recently submitted to write for The Onion for the second time. Here are 10 story ideas that I did not use but enjoyed.

• World's First Sentient Plastic Bag Killed While Playing With Toddler
• Older California Raisins Have Trouble Hearing Grapevine
• On A Quest For Normalcy, Man Watches "Benjamin Button" Backwards
• Wide Leg Jeans Develop Eating Disorder When Sharing Rack With Skinny Jeans
• Man Living In Glass House Regrets Calling Idiom's Bluff
• World Ends When FailBlog Makes Mistake Posting About Its Mistake
• School's Horse Play Cancelled Due To Cast Members Fooling Around Too Much, Irony
• College Kid And Ball Reunited 12 Years After It Went In Creepy Neighbor's Yard
• Overpampering Parents Choose To Learn Baby Talk Over Forcing Child To Learn English
• NFL Player Satisfied Enough With Leading Virtual Self To Madden Title

10 Things Husbands Should Never Do (First Draft)

I was on Yahoo and they had an article "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do" from Woman's Day. As a husband to a great wife, I decided to click on it. Loly and I perused the article together. She decided it was the most sexist thing she's ever read. (What a drama queen. Right, fellas?) Anyway, what's crazy is that it was much better than the original draft the columnist handed in. Tor's Take was able to get a copy to show you. Enjoy (though you probably shouldn't).

Guys, we love you, we really do. Please believe us! You just have to! But as wonderful and superior as you are, sometimes you do things that upset us. Yes, we know how silly it is because everything upsets us because we rely too much on our feelings as you constantly (and rightly so) remind us. But please hear us out as we don't get to write things very often because we never have important things to say. Sorry I'm going on and on but you know how we like to yammer when we get a soapbox. We promise this won't get in the way of dinner. Please, please, don't ever...

1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. It drives us crazy when you do this. You work hard all day to provide us with the materials to tend to your nutritional and comfort needs. Why would you have to do this too? Your job is to be the kids' favorite because you never play the bad guy. Our job is to nurture them for 18 years while you judge the job we do. So watch the game. We'll get your beer, slippers, and chips for you.

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. There's no need to imply this. Of course it's harder. You need a degree to get an office job and that's something our brains aren't equipped to obtain. That's why we took an easy class like home economics in high school while you took that manly wood shop class where you learned how to build your own office out of wood or so we think. We also appreciate how you dumb down your answer to "How was your day, honey?" to "Fine" because anything more than that would give us a headache and not allow us to satisfy you properly in bed later.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift. First off, that would be like 3 or 4 gifts as they are expensive. However, we don't deserve material things. For what? Birthdays? You don't want us to get older so why celebrate that? For anniversaries? Your staying with us for ANY amount of time is present enough. The appliances that we have now are more than sufficient for getting our jobs done and, if they break, it is our fault for not using them properly. Everyone knows that.

4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. We refer you back to the gift argument. Besides, your telling us how old we're getting is more than enough.

5. Brag about your driving. You are a fantastic driver. That's why we didn't argue when you took our license away. With grocery stores delivering these days, we don't need to be out on the road endangering the other males of society. That being said, we don't need you bragging about your driving prowess. We'd be more than happy to tell you how great a driver you are from the passenger seat you graciously allow us to inhabit. Shall we mark you down for a complement every 10 minutes? Splendid.

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. Oh God, don't be unimpressed! We'll make you another one in a jiffy. Watch TV and a new delicious dinner will be in front of you before you know it. Don't be mad. How about we let your younger, more attractive secretary join us in the bedroom? Would that calm you down? Consider it done. You can even vocally compare our bodies. We don't mind.

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. There's no need for you to buy clothes. We can make them from scratch for less money. Then you can use that money to go out to bars and cheat on us. Looking in the mirror in the morning, we know that we're not enough woman for you. So let us make you something fancy so you can trade up.

8. Know it all, especially in public. We know how much smarter you are than us. There is no need to show this in public. It's a waste of your time. You can be using this time to talk bad about us to your friends, complain about the shortcomings of your favorite football team, or, again, find a sexier mistress.

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. This really upsets us because it's not the haircut that's the problem. It's the whole package. We do hours of yoga and pilates but it's not going to make enough of a difference. We know the haircut is pointless but we have to try something. Suicide is the right answer but then who will take care of the kids while you're out working or dating? We have to think of you.

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Don't expect a medal because it spoils the surprise. We've been in the garage (using all of our "outdoor time" for the week) smelting you a medal for putting your clothes in the hamper and you ruin everything by expecting it. Women have so few joys in life - satisfying you in bed at any cost, watching you eat, humming to ourselves, greeting you at the door, and making you a "World's Most Generous Husband" medal by melting down all the jewelry our mothers and grandmothers passed on to us. Don't destroy what little happiness our gender deserves by taking that away.

Wow. That was definitely much worse than what they published. It almost makes the published version seem progressive and pro-feminism. I guess well done, Women's Day, and you might want to look into getting counseling for the columnist.

Special Youtube Moment

I found this on the front page of YouTube before and it made me smile.

It's like looking up into the sky and seeing the same shooting star that another person somewhere in the world is seeing right before they call you stupid and gay.

Moments...

Huffington Post Loves FWP!

Yes, that's Freshwater Picnic's American Apparel version of the Gap Holiday Commercial! The Huffington Post thought we were funny! And they were right to think that! Thanks to the Huffington Post for putting it up! Here is a link to the article.

If you'd like to watch it again for the first time...

Stepdad Claus

This is the last holiday sketch and last sketch of the year from my new sketch group, Freshwater Picnic. Please enjoy it and we'll see you with many, many more videos in 2010!

Late one Christmas eve, Jimmy Freeman stayed up late to see Santa as he delivered presents. What Jimmy didn't know was that his Mom was also waiting for the 'Big Guy' as well. Needless to say, he saw his mother kissing Santa Claus and after that night, Jimmy's life has never been the same.



Great guest appearance by Shannon Taing (Mommy)!

Top 10 TV Comedies of the Aughts

I never got into Curb Your Enthusiasm and I have never watched Chappelle's Show so I apologize for them not being on this list. I also left off shows that started in the 90s, like Family Guy and According to Jim (har dee har). Finally, shows like Community, Better Off Ted, Parks and Recreation, and Modern Family have only just gotten started. They may belong here one day.

Honorable Mention:

Ed - The only hour-long I even considered. I really loved this show. Ed and Mike made me want to have $10 bets with people. Also, there's the Michael Ian Black effect. They filmed this show in Jersey which makes it even more lovely. Hell, I married a lawyer. Still waiting for her to open a bowling alley. I love red pin nights.

Andy Barker, P.I. - Andy Richter kept getting chances to be a sitcom star and none of them worked out. Some of them deserved a little more time and this was one of them. An accountant who was bored with his life and gets mistaken for a P.I. should have worked. Was the accountant angle where they went wrong? HBO seems to think so. Anyway, I loved how they used everything at the strip mall to solve cases and anything with Tony Hale is good.

Undeclared - Judd Apatow's second attempt after Freaks and Geeks was short-lived and very funny. My favorite episode was when Marshall entered the talent show on Parents Weekend. It was his way of showing them he wanted to grow up to be a Beck-like musician. That song will be in my head forever. Even on DVD, this show didn't get its due. They put the episodes in the wrong order on the discs. Nicely done, network.

My Name Is Earl - A fantastic show that had 1 down season and 3 great ones. Jason Lee, Ethan Suplee, Jaime Pressly, and Eddie Steeples kept me entertained every week. This show had heart and Greg Garcia deserves another show. There were rumors that TNT or TBS were going to keep it going and it was a mistake that they passed.

Top 10

10. Flight of the Conchords - This show was so simple. The humor was so easy. It never felt like it was stretching to make a joke. Sure concepts were weird but the behavior was right. And who will ever forget that love is like a roll of tape?

9. Scrubs - This started off as a great show, then had a down and a half a down season (end of the NBC run) and came back strong for its final season on ABC. The current show is a spin-off so it doesn't count. My best friend and I have had a steak night. We've sung "Guy Love" to each other. We own leather Eddie Murphy Raw suits. This show could make you cry and silly laugh in the same episode. That's not easy to do.

8. How I Met Your Mother - This show has been hurt by the laugh track. You’ll also notice that it’s the only show I have on here that has one. There is joy in this show. You can tell the cast likes being there. They are allowed to laugh at things that are funny which other sitcoms don’t do. And deriving a song out of the Slap Bet on Slapsgiving is something that gets me in the laugh region.

7. Weeds - Does my crush on Mary Louise Parker help this show? Of course. She’s beautiful and, if you weren’t in Almost Famous Mr. Crudup, I’d dislike you. Anyway, this show is smart and the supporting cast is tops. Andy, the brother-in-law, is a scene-stealer. Could I have made a show about a pot-dealing mom last 5 seasons? No, but that’s why there’s TV writers. They do it for me.

6. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia - This is a show that started off with 4 and moved up to 5 unlikeable characters. There is not one redeemable person on this show and yet it works. How? And find me a better yeller on TV than Charlie Day and I’ll give you a medal that says, “Meticulous Searcher For Entertaining TV Yeller.” It may be hitting a creative wall but that happens when you set the bar so high.

5. The Office (U.S.) - This show was under the huge shadow of its British origin but it has grown out of it and into its own being. There is room in the world for both and people with open minds can see that. I would be lying if I said that Pam and Jim’s wedding didn’t make me cry. I’ve become invested in these characters and they make me laugh every week.

4. Andy Richter Controls The Universe - A travesty. This show got 19 randomly released episodes before it was cancelled and those were some of the funniest episodes I’ve ever seen. I know this sounds clichéd but I think TV wasn’t ready for it. It did the visible imagination thing infinitely better than Ally McBeal and should be owned on DVD by everyone that loves comedy. Fortunately, the guy who made this is behind "Better Off Ted," one of the funniest shows on TV right now.

3. The Office (U.K.) - While there is room for both versions, this is leaps and bounds better than the U.S. one. The uncomfortable, squirmy scenes make you cover your eyes and wish they would be over. It took me about 2 or 3 episodes to get used to the accent and manner of talking but once I managed that, I was hooked and watched all the episodes in a couple of days. Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant are unparalleled comedy geniuses.

2. 30 Rock - This show is pure comedy. It’s silly. It has so many jokes in an episode, you can’t possibly catch them all. Though I’m sure Dr. Spaceman has a pill that can help you try. Sure the writer’s room is funny and Tracey Morgan is ridiculous. Kenneth the page isn’t so bad, either. But it’s all about Tina Fey. She made a masterpiece that I can’t believe is still on the air. It’s too good to last this long. Speaking of which…

1. Arrested Development - It’s not even close. In the same way I speak of Anchorman in my 2000s movies column, this is perfectly written. There are jokes interwoven throughout this series that human beings shouldn’t be able to plan. I don’t think there is one bad moment, one bad line, one bad reaction in any episode. This show should be studied and then attempts should be made to replicate the excellence. Even halfway decent stabs at making a show like this will be better than most of the stuff we watch nightly. Fie on the network for stopping the show. There is supposed to be a movie in the future and, sure it will be fantastic, but we deserve to be watching Season 7 right now.

"No, Ho, Ho!" An American Apparel Holiday Ad

Freshwater Picnic can't stop making videos. Everyone has seen the Gap holiday ads on TV but no one has seen the American Apparel ad that actually inspired them. Check it out!

Top 20 Comedies of the Aughts (Part 2)

I started the week with Part 1 of my Top 20 Comedies of the Aughts. You saw 11-20 but you were really waiting for the Top 10. Hear it comes.

Tor's Top Ten Comedies of the 2000s

10. Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back - Lion face! Lemon face! The return of Suzanne! Some Star Wars people! Kevin Smith gave us what was supposed to be the end of Jay and Silent Bob (it's cool, Clerks 2). If I can have the life of Kevin Smith, minus the comic books and graphic public speaking about sex with my wife, I will be a very happy man.

9. Wedding Crashers - Christopher Walken notices the ropes on a tethered Vince Vaughn and makes a face that put this movie in this position on the list. Sure, Rachel McAdams became one of my favorite famous people and Isla Fisher bought her forgiveness for "Confessions of a Shopaholic." Oh, and Vince Vaughn is fantastic in the football game. Did you know he can make it rain? But it will always be Walken.

8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall - Everyone remembers the Dracula musical but what about the killing the pig part? Or Jack McBrayer punishing himself for sex? Or Paul Rudd being Paul Rudd? Or the fake cop show scenes? Veronica Mars needs to make more movies.

7. Step Brothers - "Your voice is like a combination of Fergie and Jesus." And Richard Jenkins wanting to grow up to be a dinosaur. All that needs to be said.

6. Superbad - Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg essentially wrote this when they were 13. When I was 13, I would have written a script that could be described using the title. I could also watch Michael Cera sing "These Eyes" all the way through instead of just a snippet. Make that happen. Why isn't Michael Cera on Glee? Oh right, because he's super famous.

5. Knocked Up - As much as I dislike the Heigl, this movie is beautiful. Charlyne Yi wondering if the pregnant lady gets mad at the baby for taking her food is brilliant. Also, if it weren't for this movie, we wouldn't have Jenna Elfman's new CBS comedy and where would we be then? Same place? Probably.

4. Elf - Did the fact that it's the holidays put this higher on the list? No. This movie is impossible to watch without smiling. It's joy in a DVD. Now, if only Jon Favreau would take his major successes and write a movie about a human-sized elf that wears a suit of armor and flies from Vegas hotel room to Vegas hotel room making it with any woman he finds, I'd be satisfied.

3. 40 Year Old Virgin - Could there be a tie for second? Every time I say something stupid in an improv scene, I think to myself, "bag of sand! c'mon, man." Then I smile and get ready to make another stupid move. I feel like this list needs more Paul Rudd. One more thing - platform gogo boots with dead fish floating in the heels.

2. Old School - Earmuffs! Going streaking! Ribbon gymnastics! This movie gets lost in the Apatow/McKay comedies that followed. People remember Old School but they don't remember how great it is. And if I told you one of the three main guys would be making AT&T commercials instead of movies in 5 years, would you have chosen Luke Wilson? Of course you would have.

1. Anchorman - Personally, there should be no other movies on this list. There should only be one comedy movie that comes out of the 2000s and all others should be destroyed and forgotten. Anchorman is the perfect comedy. It has a perfect script. There is not a wasted line. Everything is funny and continues to be funny on every watch. I could never make something like Anchorman but I will strive to do so for the rest of my comedy days. I even love the oddly thrown together second Anchorman movie comprised of footage that didn't make it into the final cut. (There was another plot with robbers!) Don't get me started on the dinosaur PSA. I've seen this movie more than any movie ever made and it's still not enough. I'm going to watch it right now and you should, too. Stop reading.

Coors Light Commercial Parody

Freshwater Picnic is back with some non-Twilight videos. Betcha didn't see that coming. Bet the first word of that last sentence really angered my blog's spellcheck program. The videos pay homage to the greatness that is the Coors Light Press Conference commercials with the different football coaches. They're great.*

These are to be viewed in the order they appear. It's a series!

* Spellcheck should have changed this to "not great."

Top 20 Comedies of the Aughts (Part 1)

It's the end of the decade and Tor's Take, the foremost blog on Kevin Tor's thoughts, has decided to compile some lists. People make lists at the end of the year and decade so why should I be any exception? We will start with my 20 favorite comedies of the last decade (along with some honorable mentions).

Honorable Mention:

She's the Man - Amanda Bynes at her finest. Love this movie. And best tampon to stop a bloody nose scene. All others are copiers.

Saving Silverman - Steve Zahn and Neil Diamond in the same movie!

Just Friends - Anna Faris makes this movie work. Darla!

Simpsons Movie - Made us remember what the Simpsons used to be when it was great every week.

Team America - Puppet sex is funny sex.

Clerks 2 - I just love Kevin Smith so much. He needs to be on here twice. Foreshadowing?

Hangover - Some will say this belongs on the list. I may agree with them once I'm able to rewatch it multiple times but I wasn't as over the moon for it as everyone else was so I can't do it for now.

Semi-Pro - For every scene with Dick Pepperfield is amazing.

Road Trip - Do I want to punish Todd Phillips? No. I just couldn't fit it. This is number 21 for me.

20-11

20. Shaun of the Dead - Revolutionized zombie movies. Made Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright as famous as they should be. And, if your best friend gets turned into a mindless zombie, this shows you the right way to handle it. Pay attention, my friends.

19. O Brother, Where Art Thou? - The best Coen Brothers movie in my opinion. George Clooney as the paterfamilias. Tim Blake Nelson thinking John Turturro was a toad. The fight at the Woolsworth. And amazing music.

18. Wet Hot American Summer - Can a movie get on my list based on a single scene where Paul Rudd has to clean up his meal? Absolutely. However, there is so much more to this movie. I love the State and I will never make a comedy list that doesn't involve them in some way. Zac Orth is also genius in this.

17. School of Rock - There was a time when Jack Black could play Jack Black in a movie and everyone would laugh and clap. This was that time. It helps that Mike White wrote the movie for him. Added bonus - iCarly's in it.

16. Dodgeball - I used to play a lot of dodgeball. I was good at it. Usually a first pick in gym class. Don't believe me? I don't blame you. Turns out in my late teens, I traded athleticism for humor. (I may not have gotten enough in return.) Hey, other people making movies, put Jimmy James in more of them.

15. Zoolander - Hansel was so hot right then. This movie may be the reason why I watch Project Runway now. It made fashion and modeling accessible to comedy likers. It also made me realize that gas hose fights are more dangerous than fun.

14. Van Wilder - Write this down. Van Wilder is good. Ryan Reynolds owned this movie and made it very rewatchable. A pre-train wreck Tara Reid is also enjoyable. (She was in The Big Lebowski. How is that possible?). It also doesn't hurt to have Kal Penn involved which leads me to...

13. Harold and Kumar go to White Castle - My dad used to bring home White Castle as a surprise every once and a while. I got sick every time I ate it but it was worth it. Those little burgers taste so good and I don't need illegal narcotics to crave it. The other testament to this movie is that I don't care for drug humor and it still works for me.

12. Hot Rod - You're The Voice! I can watch that scene over and over. This movie is the movie that you make when studios aren't involved (yet studios were involved). The first time I saw it, I thought it was dumb. But I have seen it many times since and it gets better and better. If you ask me to make this list again in a few years, I bet this challenges the Top 5.

11. Talladega Nights - This is the Sasha Baron Cohen I can stand to see multiple times. "My husband Gregory and I want what any couple wants. To retire to Stockholm and develop a currency for dogs and cats to use." Other things that are superb - Children named Walker and Texas Ranger, the Baby Jesus grace, Amy Adams, not knowing what to do with your hands in an interview, invisible fire. I can go on and on. Why is this not in my Top 10?

Tune in tomorrow for the Top 10 Tor Comedies of the Aughts...

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Tiger Woods Accident Reenactment

A Chinese news station made a full reenactment of what they think happened to cause the Tiger Woods car accident. It is amazing.



It is something straight out of the SIMS. My favorite part is when Tiger is thinking about the mistress while Elin yells at him. A thought bubble? Genius. Well done, not United States!

Twilight: New Moon Musical - The Duel

In this, the last song from our Twilight musical, Edward and Jacob face off in an epic duel. Does it end in a large fight with awesome special effects where I turn into a werewolf? No, I have at most 10 dollars to put into any video and you can't make that kind of stuff happen. Come on, man, get your head in the game!

Twilight: New Moon Musical - Chest Hole

This is song three in the Freshwater Picnic "New Moon Musical." Bella is left by Edward and the pain of losing him is tearing through her chest. What???!?!?! Watch it. It's a fantastic song. Kudos to Abby Holland (Bella) and Ash Louis (Guitarist).

Awful Ways To Improve Transformers 2

Transformers 2 was a terrible movie. There were robots that talked jive (Stewardess, I speak jive), robots that talked like Joe Pesci (Am I a robot clown?), and robots that used canes because they were old (What?). The following is a list of terrible ideas that would still improve the movie.*

• Replace Shia LaBeouf with Fisher Stevens.
• Have Optimus Prime contract robot AIDS.
• Make Bumblebee an actual bumblebee and have Shia LaBeouf ride on his back after using a Honey, I Shrunk The Kids-esque shrink ray.
• Let the Decepticons win.
• Instead of filming it, show the screenplay being read by Gilbert Gottfried.
• Have a Megan Fox sex scene where she unveils her own massive penis.
• End the movie with the Zapruder film in slow motion set to "Time After Time."
• Give four monkeys 83 seconds to write it.
• Interrupt it with commercials for Geico.
• Instead of robots that turn into electronic objects, base the movie on the metal boxes at the top of telephone poles.

* Yes, I did this for GI Joe over the summer.

Bite Me - Song 2 From Twilight New Moon Musical

The second song from the Twilight: New Moon Musical as presented by Freshwater Picnic. It's a beautiful song and it will be stuck in your head for weeks. You're welcome from all of us.

The song was written by Abby Holland and Ash Louis. Abby plays the Bella part. Sean McCormack plays Edward. There is a quick shot of Etan Bednarsh in there, too. Did you see him? Good eyes.

Werewolf's Delight - Featured on Atom.com!!!

Score one for Freshwater Picnic!! We got featured by Atom.com who is owned by Comedy Central!

Does that say "Atom Pro Video?" Yes! Please watch the video here. If the sketch group can perform well at Atom.com, it can open up more doors for us in the future. Thank you for the support.

Twilight: The Musical - Werewolf's Delight

Atom.com: Funny Videos | Sketch Groups | Funny Animations

Werewolf's Delight - A Selection From The Twilight Musical

Welcome to the first (of so so so many) videos from my new sketch group, Freshwater Picnic. We are debuting with the first of four Twilight: New Moon videos. If New Moon was a musical, this is what I'd like to see performed in it.

This is Werewolf's Delight. It shows Jacob's explanation to Bella for why he hasn't been around for a while after they spent so much time together as best friends.

Without further ado, enjoy Freshwater Picnic!

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.

Thoughts On My New "Head Shot"

NOTE - This is not photoshopped. I swear on my wife.

The following picture is a still from a new video where I play Jacob from Twilight (coming Monday!). Like the mysterious Bigfoot, sometimes the camera catches things we did not know were real. Please don't stare at it too long. I want you to still desire other things in life besides me.

It's not everyday that the camera captures how you see yourself in your dreams. It's about time my outside caught up to the beautiful person I am on the inside. I didn't know Canon made a sexy lens attachment. (I've learned that the camera refuses to take any more pictures because it can never achieve this again. Also, the camera is pregnant.) Look at those eyes. You ladies are lucky I'm happily married because those eyes can melt your heart. Then I would catch those meltings in a cup and drink them so you would be a part of me. My shirt fought valiantly trying to contain that chest and those arms but failed. It will be missed.

I think the world needs this Kevin Tor more than it needs the one typing this blog entry.

Let's look at how the two Kevin Tors (labeled "Hot Kevin" and "Bland Kevin") would talk in life:

Bland Kevin - "I like to make people laugh."

Hot Kevin - "New studies show that I'm the best medicine."

Bland Kevin - "Hey honey, dinner is almost ready."

Hot Kevin - "Do you smell what Hot Kevin is cooking?"

Bland Kevin - "I think motorcycles are scary."

Hot Kevin - "I make love to motorcycles...slowly."

Bland Kevin - "I think I'm coming down with something."

Hot Kevin - "I sneezed once. My nose knows better than to try that again."

Bland Kevin - "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?"

Hot Kevin - "Write this down for me and I'll let you stare at my pec."

Bland Kevin - "What do you want to watch tonight?"

Hot Kevin - "I want to take you to a meadow and smear you in sap so our bodies can fuse together as one! Then, Night Court."

Bland Kevin - "I live in a nice townhouse."

Hot Kevin - "I have a sweet loft on Mount Olympus. I let Hercules crash on my futon."

Butterface on ABCNews.com!

ABCNews.com did an article on the Top 5 Parodies of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face.' My "Butterface" parody made the list at number 4. That sounds like an ok accomplishment but then I found out who else was on the list. I am preceded on the list by Christopher Walken, South Park, and Justin Timberlake when he was on "SNL." There's even an accompanying video. It's amazing! What am I doing on this list?

A special thanks to Sheila Marikar (or Sheils as Twitter calls her) for writing the article and calling me an "online video genius." My mom's been saying it for decades. It's good to have a non-relative say the same thing.

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/2/09

I've been behind on the blog. I'm working on something pretty big right now but I promise to return with more than one a week. November is going to be a good month. As always, here are last week's rejected jokes from the iPhone app.

Salma Hayek told Parade magazine that she was too embarrassed by her body to accept a "Best Body" award from Fitness Magazine. After the interview, she went out and purchased 20 more low-cut dresses.

The Yankees will play the Phillies in the World Series starting Wednesday. In related news, every Mets fan looks up to the sky and yells, "Really?" before killing themselves.

Ratings for MTV's "The Hills" are down drastically this season. The network has a list of possible reasons but none of them involve the public coming to their senses. That could never happen.

Keira Knightley will star in a remake of "My Fair Lady." The producers knew Knightley was capable of doing the horrid, original Eliza voice when they watched her in any movie she's ever been in.

Jim Corzine is under criticism for an ad where Corzine accuses his opponent, Chris Christie, of "throwing his weight around." Political observers think this is an attack on Christie's weight but Corzine insists he is just "stating the fats."

In a recent episode, Kate Gosselin said that she would like to lend her voice to a character in an animated movie for her kids. The kids liked the idea but would much rather her lend her voice to their lives.

Hulu is going to start charging people to watch TV shows and movies in 2010. In more forecasting news - In 2011, Hulu is going to go out of business.

George W. Bush began his new career as a motivational speaker at a business seminar in Fort Worth, Texas. Bush did such a great job imparting his knowledge that all attendees left and ran whatever they were responsible for into the ground.

The lawyer for the Philadelphia woman who offered sex for World Series tickets is saying his client was suffering from "Phillies Fever." This is far more serious than her 2004 case of Herp-eagles.

David Spade is defending his controversial Direct TV commercial featuring the late Chris Farley by saying Farley would have been "stoked." That seems appropriate considering Spade through his legacy into the fire.

Sarah Palin has gone on record calling Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot as "desperate." That's like the worst, bargain-basement, horrible, cheap, ridiculous, terrible pot calling the attention-starved, awful, sell-out, trashy kettle - I forgot what I was saying.

A bullet was fired at and hit the New Jersey home of CNN's Lou Dobbs. It was the first time Dobbs was involved in anything that could be considered "on target."

Mark Wahlberg and his wife, Rhea Durham, are expecting their fourth child. So he's taking the slow path to putting together another Funky Bunch.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That must be why she keeps her political abilities in a safe.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That's why she's glad she has a skull with skin and hair over it.

A ballet teacher at Point Park University is denying he posted a "fat list," consisting of the names of dance students who he wanted to lose weight. In response, the teacher said, "That's not something this university encourages. I would never do that. I don't want to end up on the Terrible Teacher List."

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/21/09

More from the iLarious rejection vault:

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Guess she walked away from those shoes she said she would die without.

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. She further impressed people by taking the award and driving home competently.

*Blogger's Note - We at Tor's Take do not condone the previous two jokes. We just post what our sexist boss tells us to. Back to the jokes.

Robert Pattinson, the hunky star of the "Twilight" movies, told People magazine that he has trouble finding a date. He went on to say that only you are the one for him, 8th grader Dana Becker from Topeka, Kansas. You can talk to him at the following 900 number.

On this date in 1773, Charles Messier discovered the Whirlpool Galaxy. Apparently, he was the first Frenchman to ever enter a Sears.

Zach Braff has come forward to dispel an internet rumor that he committed suicide by swallowing pills. Braff said, "There are better ways to commit suicide," looked off into nothingness for two minutes, and then giggled nervously.

According to a judge's decision, Jon Gosselin has been ordered to pay Kate $180,000 or essentially what he spends every week at the Ed Hardy store.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new bill into law on Sunday that will fine paparazzi for taking pictures that invade a celebrity's privacy. Some people think the bill was drawn up to protect celebrities but it was actually to hear Schwarzenegger say "paparazzi" over and over.

A 1638 lb pumpkin from Iowa won the 36th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off. Somewhere, Linus is punching Charlie Brown in the nards.

Singer Leona Lewis was punched at a signing for her new book, "Dreams." The attacker wanted to prove that she doesn't actually bleed love.

(From the 16th) Today is National Boss Day or the Worst Day To Be A Female Letterman Intern.

After believing a little kid's story and causing a media frenzy, some people are questioning the intelligence of the authorities that handled the situation with Falcon Heene, the "Balloon Boy." "We have it all under control," said the local sheriff as he Mirandized the attic.

The FDA is warning people not to buy Swine Flu drugs online. They say to definitely avoid Swine Flu drugs that also promise a clean colon and six more inches on your penis.

Kara DioGuardi, host of American Idol, says she suffers from sleep eating where she unconsciously raids the kitchen for food in the middle of the night. Personally, I'm more bothered by her other problem - wake talking.

Sarah Palin has joined and put her resume on the social networking site, LinkedIn. Under "Hobbies," it says "Hunting, Traveling, and Destroying John McCain's career."

Randy Quaid and his wife will be arraigned today on felony charges resulting from skipping out on a $10000 hotel bill. This could have all been avoided if they stayed with the Griswolds.

This week is officially Teen Read Week where teens are encouraged to ditch the TVs and video games and read a book. In related news, next week is Atomic Wedgies For Participants of Teen Read Week Week.

Beyonce has postponed shows in Malaysia because of accusations by Islamic conservatives saying the show would be immoral. Most people think the immorality is because of Beyonce's dancing and scant clothing but really it's the idea of giving single ladies a voice.

An 83-year-old man in Texas opened fire on his son when the son would not stop drumming. "Look, I said I didn't want to work," replied the hospitalized Todd Rundgren.

Benatar (Battlefield Parody)

Here it is! Finally a new song parody! You can watch it in High Quality on YouTube if you wish. It is a parody of Jordin Sparks' Battlefield and it is pretty sweet! Enjoy!

Special thanks to Sean McCormack for being Chuck Norris in body and mind! Like Daniel Day-Lewis, that one is!

And super special thanks to Rachel O Crouse, Angela Dee, Lizzie Bell, Sue White, and Ashley Turin for dancing their faces off in 80s clothes! Also to Ashley for the choreography!

Tor's Bad Jokes: 10/15/09

Q: Where does the Pope get his jewelry from?

A: Pontiffany's

Q: What does a communist put in his refrigerator to keep it smelling fresh?

A: Arm & Hammer & Sickle

Q: What did Elvis name his vineyard?

A: Grapesland

Q: How do skunks get on the internet?

A: With a com-pee-yew-ter (or a newer model smell phone)

Q: How does the engaged car go?

A: Groom groom

Q: What did the doctor diagnose Robert Langdon with when he came in all congested?

A: The DaVinci Cold

Q: What's the movie where the secretary from "Ferris Bueller" and the neighbor from "Hogan's Family" work in a convenience store?

A: Edie McClerks

Q: Why did the male leafy vegetable break up with the female leafy vegetable?

A: Because she was being a cabbitch.

Q: Why did the actor who played Dracula not have any rooting interest in the Olympics?

A: Because there's no country for Oldman.

Q: What do you call a rodent that's really into David Bowie?

A: Glamster

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/14/09

More unused jokes from the iLarious. Some of them are justified in not being used.

Somali pirates attacked what they believed to be a cargo ship but realized too late that it was a French Naval vessel. In all fairness, only the people on the French ship knew there was even such a thing as a "French Naval vessel."

A recent poll by Marist University has named "whatever" the most annoying word used in conversation. The worst offenders of the conversational gaffe are treating the poll with indifference.

NASA is planning to crash two rockets into the moon to try to find water. If this doesn't work, NASA will go with their Plan B: a 6 billion dollar y-shaped stick.

Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook are going through a tough divorce. The problem is that Cook wants to take away what matters most to Brinkley, the Uptown.

A professional racetrack in Australia is limiting fans to 24 cans of beer each to cut down on crime. Don't worry. They're also limiting the amount of distance fans can drive home.

Due to the economy, Harvard professors will no longer get free cookies during faculty meetings. No word on the status of recess or nap time yet.

Daily Beast named Raleigh-Durham the smartest metropolitan area with Fresno coming in last. When reached by phone, the mayor of Fresno screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM??!?!" before running into the wall and knocking herself out.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he is working on a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" that will take place in Coney Island. In the new work, the female lead will be a fry girl that wants to one day work the register at Nathan's, the phantom will be hard to pick out among all of the disfigured ride operators, and the climactic scene will involve the Cyclone crashing down.

Kate Gosselin baked a special cake for her twins' birthday but Jon tried to foil the plans by picking up a cake from a bakery. When these kinds of public divorces happen, we tend to not realize what's most important - these kids got TWO birthday cakes!

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially trying really hard to achieve global peace. In other news, Nicolas Cage is named Actor of the Decade.

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - South Carolina governor

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - TV father of 8

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - Rim

Paris Hilton, playing "Paris Hilton possessed by a demon," was beheaded on last night's "Supernatural" because a demon can't function in a body without a brain. Viewers were upset because the writer's failed to explain how the demon functioned before the beheading.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/9/09

I've been writing jokes this week for iLarious, a new iPhone app, featuring all sorts of comedy. Here are the jokes that probably didn't go in this week:*

"Whip It" was destroyed at the box office by "Zombieland," proving once and for all that America prefers their women aimless and brainless.

A-Rod had another great season, keeping him in the company of Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, and Jimmie Foxx. Now it's the postseason and time to focus on staying in the company of Rafael Santana, Tommy Gregg, and Cesar Cedeno.

Conan Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. It's not the dogs fault. Everyone knows that sheriff's deputies have the tastiest meat.

Letterman Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. You know, it's cruel to think a dog can resist the smell of bacon.

Leno Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. The dogs' handler is baffled but some point the finger at the sheriff's deputy cologne - Musk of OJ.

America's Funniest Home Videos will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Viewers can look forward to finding out "Where are those smacked crotches now?"

Justice Sotomayor started her first day as a Supreme Court Justice by speaking into a turned-off microphone. Unfortunately, the hazing stopped early when Justice Scalia was hit in the head by the top of Sotomayor's partially unscrewed gavel.

The adult entertainment industry is reporting that, they too, have been affected by the recession. From now on, every cup will only be assigned one girl.

Monty Python turned 40. Hard to believe it was 40 years ago that British comedy started really confusing Americans.

David Letterman apologized to his wife and female staff members during the opening of his show Monday night. This could have all been avoided if he just kept it in his worldwide pants.

Attendees of the Big E fair in Massachusetts got to eat the "Craz-E Burger," which is a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. Most people got it with a side of tombstone.

Barack Obama refused to meet with the Dalai Lama in order to keep China happy. Furthermore, he has also stopped acknowledging the existence of Sasha.

Barack Obama addressed health care reform concerns in front of doctors representing each of the 50 states. Obama only got to talk to the doctors for two minutes as he spent most of the time filling out forms and signing waivers.

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his former team, the Green Bay Packers, last night on Monday Night Football. The Vikings won because they used Favre's patented double-crossing routes.

Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi survived a very minor plane crash on Friday. Wow, we were so close to Don McLean writing a song about "The Day Irrelevance Died."

American Girl has released a new doll named Gwen who is homeless. The doll comes with an outfit, a pillow, and the ability to trade your daughter's love for booze.

One of the Backstreet Boys has contracted the swine flu forcing the band to cancel their promotional tour. Maybe we're being too hasty with those vaccines.

Elizabeth Taylor is telling fans details of her heart procedure from her hospital bed via Twitter. The procedure is serious and it is probably not wise for Taylor to tweet this lightly.

Mel Gibson's drunken driving conviction has been expunged after a court ruling. Now he can go back to just being a racist and a sexist.

*I don't have an iPhone so I don't know.

Tor's Onion Stories: October 6, 2009

Here are another 10 story ideas for The Onion. I should probably save these on the off chance that I will, one day, write for The Onion but we all know that will never happen. (Why do my readers have less confidence in me than I do?)

1. Former Bully Victim Ironically Grows Up To Serve French Fries To Bully
2. Dog Saves Owner From Choosing Wrong Cell Phone Plan
3. Megan Fox Was Not Right For Megan Fox Roles On SNL
4. Arabian Prince Buys United States Low With Hopes Of Selling High
5. Second Graders Disappointed By Real Definition Of Gross National Product
6. Family Business Will Include Disappointing Son-In-Law After All
7. Boogers Closing Gap On Farts For Funniest Gimmick
8. Genie Enthusiast Hopes 517th Lamp Will Be The One
9. Local Man Still Disappointed By Seinfeld Finale
10. Tyra Banks Has Genuinely Grounded Opinion

How did I do this time? Better? Worse?

Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It's been a while since there was a Twitter game that I've partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

1. A Pedigree of Dunces
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
5. Running With Geezers
6. Gov in the Time of Obama
7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
8. Are You There Todd? It's Me, Maverick
9. The Lord of the Trig
10. Life of Lie

Tor's Onion Stories: September 29, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion. Unfortunately, The Onion does not accept submissions from people with last names consisting solely of 3 letters. Just my stupid luck. I'm paying the price for having an easy time filling out Scantrons in grammar school.

• Scientists Believe Homeless Man That Throws Own Feces Could Be Missing Link
• Fat Kid, Roger Dawkins, Does Not Like Cake
• "Cash For Myrrh" Not Nearly As Successful As Hoped
• Native American Destroys Old Camera Reclaiming Grandfather's Soul
• Boater Designs New Anchor Shaped Like Ex-Wife
• Sad Ant Strains To Lift Half Its Body Weight
• Soccer League Shut Down Due To Too Much Action
• Odd-Looking Proctologist Swears He's Not An Alien
• Cherry Bomb Prank Backfires And Improves School's Plumbing System
• Portugal To Bring Back Feudalism, Disappointment

How about these? Would you like to see these in print form? Write your congressman.

Alternate Titles For The Informant

I went to see "The Informant" yesterday. I enjoyed it and Matt Damon, acting at about 120% capacity, did a fantastic job. It's worth a watch, maybe not a theater watch, but definitely a DVD rental. Anyway, I've been playing around with some alternate titles for the movie and here is what I've come up with:

• Good Will Chunking
• Saving Private Giant
• All The Tasty Horses
• Rounder
• The Legend of Fatter Vance
• Pigma
• Stuck On Food
• The Bourne Up And Ate 'Em
• Ocean's Elevenses*

* Come on, "Lord of the Rings" fans!

Blogger's Note: Special consideration goes to Dirt in the Skirt, for the Twitter suggestion of "Fat Damon." Simple and perfect.

Terrible TV Show Ideas (Take 2)

I did this a few months back and I feel it's time to do it once more.

1. An uptight lawyer is intrigued by the crazy experiments of the research group he is sharing an apartment with. Coming soon: Dharma Initiative and Greg. "They HanSO crazy!"
2. Life is as hard as you make it and this U.S. Navy legal advisor makes it really hard. Coming soon: JAG-Off. "He's got all hands on deck and deck doesn't like it and needs to say something to a superior."
3. Dylan McDermott leads an acclaimed team as they adjust some of the most important spines in Boston. Coming soon: The ChiroPractice. "There's no case they can't crack."
4. Wanting to be more than one of Robin Hood's Merry Men, a man sets out to improve the aesthetics of all the unfortunate-looking maidens in England. Coming soon: Friar Nip/Tuck. "Shouldn't there be 2 d's in 'damsel?'"
5. A music-and-comedy duo keeps things light as they storm Normandy as the only members of Easy Company. Coming soon: Band of Smothers Brothers. "Mom may like one better but Germany hates them both."
6. A conniving high school student schemes his way through classes under the ignorant watch of a germaphobe. Coming soon: Saved By the Mandel. "Let's see what's in briefcase number FUN!"
7. A street-smart teenager gets in a fight and is sent to live with his distant Slavic relatives. Coming soon: Fresh Prince of Belgrade. "In West Philadelphia born and raised, Serbia is where he'll spend all of his days."
8. A delicious alternative to beer helps the less fortunate occupants of Ancient Greece. Coming soon: Zima: Warrior Princess. "She's going to give bad guys zomething to think about."
9. Superman keeps his identity hidden by posing as a fairly successful cartoonist during the day. Coming soon: Hi and Lois and Clark. "Sometimes it's nice to make someone smile without saving their life."
10. At night, delivery truck drivers get together to blow off steam with underground bare-knuckle boxing and one man is the best promotor in town. Coming soon: Don King of Queens. "There will be a fight for glory-a in Astoria!"

Blogger's Note: I started doing Ray Lewis Can't Lose about a football player who could get away with murder (figuratively) but that doesn't trump the fact that he got away with murder (literally).

Bing Boredom

They help with arthritis!

There are numbers you can call. :(

That farmer must wake up every day singing about his dog and hating every second of it.

Q: How they hanging? A: Tantrically.

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don't know why Ben couldn't take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don't have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that's crazy. It's much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN' PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I'm sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of "The Invention of Lying" dangling three branches over. I'll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)

Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn't retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.

Kevin

So, Ben, let's get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?

Ben Linus

I'm sorry, Kevin. You can't go home.

Kevin

Excuse me?

Ben Linus

The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your...comedy.

Kevin

You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus

In a sense...yes.

Kevin

I'm going home. I'm going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.

Ben Linus

I can't let you do that.

Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin's direction.

Ben Linus

Have a seat. I want to show you something.

Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.

Dr. Chang

Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.

Kevin

Carlin?

Ben pauses the video.

Ben Linus

It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.

Kevin

Because I'm white?

Ben Linus

No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.

Kevin

But he's dead now.

Ben Linus

Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.

Kevin

That was disrespecful. Look, you can't be serious.

Ben Linus

Oh, I'm dead serious, Jack.

Kevin

You mean Kevin.

Ben Linus

Sorry, I'm so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?

Ben hits "play" on the VCR.

Dr. Chang

Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.

Kevin

I know where the tubes go. There's an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.

Ben Linus

Not true. The Island reads them.

(beat)

Well, if that's all, I'll let you get started.

Kevin

I'm not staying here!

Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.

And that's how I came to be on this island. I don't know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don't know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn't that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.

Tor's Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don't.

• A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America's Image
• Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
• Real Life "Doogie Howser" Not As Much Fun
• 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
• Black Sets Record Straight: "Nothing Is The New Me"
• Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
• Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
• Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After "Armageddon" Came Out
• White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
• Britney Spears' Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On "Annoying Mouth Noises" Chart

Would you read these?

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.

Toroscopes

Hey! Miss Kevin here! I thought I would start your day off right with some Toroscopes. So sit back and see what the stars have in store for you today.

ARIES - The planets are aligned for you today, Sweet Aries. There's $4.35 lying on a subway seat in Midtown with your name on it. Don't let anyone get in your way. They mess with the Ram, they get the horns. If you do engage in fisticuffs, keep an eye out for someone in navy underwear with stripes. I'm seeing a romantic aura that could mean "The One." Still, it's about the money so beat "The One" enough to keep him incapacitated while you retrieve it. That's good Starbucks scratch!

TAURUS - Jupiter can be a real equus' patootie sometimes and today is one of those sometimes. Keep an eye out for trouble in the form of a homeless man on a zamboni. Which homeless man on a zamboni? Trust me, Fair Taurus, you'll know the one. Prepare yourself by keeping ketchup in your pocket. Make sure it's loose ketchup and not packets. You want to fling it directly into his eyes so it splatters. Also, it might be time to treat yourself to a new couch!

GEMINI - It's clear sailing for you, Gemini. Mercury went on a bender last night and isn't waking up for days. Today's the day you put your financial worries aside because you're going on a coast-to-coast gas station robbing spree! You know that virus in the coat closet that I made you steal four months ago from the lab? It's time to inject your favorite Aunt with it. Law enforcement is getting harder and harder to elude with today's technology. Having a beloved sick aunt is a great story to tell the jury, especially through real tears. Also, make sure you return those movies to Netflix!

CANCER - Why are you always so depressed, Cancer? Cheer up. Here are the winning numbers for tonight's Mega Millions: 2, 8, 22, 23, 40, MB 19. Does that get a wittle smile? Does it, Cancer? Who's a happy Cancer? Who's a happy Cancerrrr?

LEO - Do you like the world on the half shell because it is your oyster today, Sexy Leo. People in Africa may be suffering horrible atrocities at the hands of religious zealots but that's the furthest thing from your mind. It's time to splurge for that new car. You've wanted it for some time. Just because all the adorable sea turtles of the world are going to be extinct real soon doesn't mean you can't have a convertible. Let the sun shine on your face as you ride up the coast but do it soon because that coast is going to be under water once global warming gets done with this place. Keep smiling, Lucky Leo!

VIRGO - Stop being a freakin' prude, Virgo! You need to open yourself up physically to someone and stop teasing! You think he's going to wait around for you forever! I-He's got women throwing themselves at him! Why don't I take one of them, then? Maybe I will! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you'd get everything! Lucky numbers: 16 and 30.

LIBRA - Take a day for yourself. Put on your drabbest, most comfortable clothes. Even if they are in the hamper. Take them out and put them on. Rent a zamboni and cruise the town.

SCORPIO - Something unexpected will happen today but, if I tell you what it is, it won't be unexpected anymore. Do you want a hint, Scorpio? It has something to do with your mom and a bus. That's all I can say. I've said too much already. No, really. Let it go. Just trust that you will be shocked. Stop harassing me! I CONTROL THE STARS!!! I CAN MAKE IT SO THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!! Ironically, after today, you'll be wishing for that. That's my last hint, though. Man, I'm so talkative around you. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, and 7.

SAGITTARIUS - Today's the day to ask your boss for a promotion. You're going to walk right up to your boss, kiss him square on the lips and say, "I deserve a promotion." If that doesn't work, start doing the Raj dance from "What's Happening!!" while singing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. The confusion of fast-paced Raj dancing and the sadness of the "City of Angels" song will distract him enough for you to handcuff yourself to him. Now visibly swallow the key and rub your belly to act like it was delicious. Also, if he has bolt cutters (Where do you work that the boss has those lying around?), swallow those too. After he agrees to the promotion, take him to dinner. You're stuck with each other for a while anyway!

CAPRICORN - Take advice from wherever you can get it because all of your ideas up to this point have been duds, you stupid goat. Here's an idea - stick your head in an oven! Or how about getting high and playing with your father's gun? I know, take up snake charming. Anything would be better than using the air that belongs to more important people! Treat yourself to a manicure!

AQUARIUS - You have an artistic side and it's time to show it, Water Person. Take every flier offered on the street today. Make a collage out of them and submit it to a gallery. Don't worry if the gallery takes the collage, walks a little bit away from you, and throws it in the garbage. That's just what happens. Keep at it and eventually a gallery will hold onto it and show it. Also, don't answer the phone between the hours of 6 and 9!

PISCES - What's up, Fish? Neptune is claiming you as his bitch so you are going to have to live under his rules. (Cue Barry White.) Neptune likes his fish sexy so put on some makeup and learn how to work a pole. It's going to be a long term if you fight it so give in early and try to enjoy it. Neptune takes care of those that take care of him. So do as 2 In A Room would have you do and "wiggle it." Also, make a cake for fun!

Kanye West's Taylor Swift Apology (Deleted Parts)

As many of you know, Kanye West jumped on the stage yesterday during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV VMAs. Kanye took Taylor Swift's microphone and told the audience that Beyonce should have won. Well, Kanye was feeling bad about the whole thing and put an apology up on his blog.

I would link to the blog but it's not currently working so here is what he put up on it:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Now, we here at Tor's Take were fortunate enough to get the parts that Kanye deleted just before posting. It just warms my heart to work with such a crack research team. (And not a crack team on research. Am I right?) This stuff is pretty shocking. Anyway, without further ado:

"TAYLOR'S VOICE IS WEAKER THAN A HO WITH A ROOFIE!!! SHE'S STILL MAD TALENTED, THOUGH!!!!"

"LISTEN YALL, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC...IT'S REALLY GOOD!! I JUST THINK WE SHOULD BURN THAT MOTHER F'N OPRY TO THE GROUND!!!!!!"

"I'M HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!! I KNOW I MAY HAVE RUINED HER MOMENT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP AT HER WEDDING AND TOLD HER I WAS BETTER THAN THE GROOM!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!! CONGRATS, T-SWIFT!!!!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TAYLOR IS BEAUTIFUL!!! I'D LOVE TO WORK WITH HER ONE DAY!!!!! THEN SHE COULD KNOW WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!!!! BOOOOOOOOYEEEEEE!!!"

"I HOPE HER NASTY TEENAGE ASS GETS HIT BY A BUS!!!!! SHE LOOKED HOT IN THAT DRESS!!! MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!"

"I LIKE THE SONG WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND, PROBABLY TWILIGHT!!! THAT ONE'S ON MY IPOD!!!"

"TAYLOR'S MOM IS SO GREAT!!! I'D HAVE TO RANK HER IN THE TOP 100 MILLION OF MOMS!!!"

"MY FANS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I HOPE THEY DON'T RUN OUT ON ME....BUT IF THEY DO, I HAVE A LIST OF THOSE FANS I WOULD BE FINE WITH SEEING GO!!!!! I'LL POST THAT LATER, SON!!!!!"

"I JUST DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE!!! MY BEST FRIEND TOTALLY AGREES....AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! IT'S TOO BAD HE'S TRAPPED IN THAT RECTANGLE OF GLASS ABOVE MY BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I'LL GET YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"I KEEP WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OVER AND OVER HOPING THAT THIS TIME I WON'T GET UP AND TAKE THE MIC FROM HER BUT EVERY TIME SHE STILL WINS SO IT PLAYS OUT THE RIGHT WAY!!!! TAYLOR'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS LIFE!!! THE WRONG PEOPLE WIN ALL THE TIME!!!! TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE!!! I'M ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T WIN!!!"

"REMEMBER WHEN TAYLOR WAS ON SNL AND SHE PLAYED ANNIE!!! SHE WAS SO GREAT!!! IT MADE ME WISH SHE WAS AN ORPHAN FOR REAL!!!!!!! XOXOX!!!!!"