Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/21/09

More from the iLarious rejection vault:

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Guess she walked away from those shoes she said she would die without.

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. She further impressed people by taking the award and driving home competently.

*Blogger's Note - We at Tor's Take do not condone the previous two jokes. We just post what our sexist boss tells us to. Back to the jokes.

Robert Pattinson, the hunky star of the "Twilight" movies, told People magazine that he has trouble finding a date. He went on to say that only you are the one for him, 8th grader Dana Becker from Topeka, Kansas. You can talk to him at the following 900 number.

On this date in 1773, Charles Messier discovered the Whirlpool Galaxy. Apparently, he was the first Frenchman to ever enter a Sears.

Zach Braff has come forward to dispel an internet rumor that he committed suicide by swallowing pills. Braff said, "There are better ways to commit suicide," looked off into nothingness for two minutes, and then giggled nervously.

According to a judge's decision, Jon Gosselin has been ordered to pay Kate $180,000 or essentially what he spends every week at the Ed Hardy store.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new bill into law on Sunday that will fine paparazzi for taking pictures that invade a celebrity's privacy. Some people think the bill was drawn up to protect celebrities but it was actually to hear Schwarzenegger say "paparazzi" over and over.

A 1638 lb pumpkin from Iowa won the 36th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off. Somewhere, Linus is punching Charlie Brown in the nards.

Singer Leona Lewis was punched at a signing for her new book, "Dreams." The attacker wanted to prove that she doesn't actually bleed love.

(From the 16th) Today is National Boss Day or the Worst Day To Be A Female Letterman Intern.

After believing a little kid's story and causing a media frenzy, some people are questioning the intelligence of the authorities that handled the situation with Falcon Heene, the "Balloon Boy." "We have it all under control," said the local sheriff as he Mirandized the attic.

The FDA is warning people not to buy Swine Flu drugs online. They say to definitely avoid Swine Flu drugs that also promise a clean colon and six more inches on your penis.

Kara DioGuardi, host of American Idol, says she suffers from sleep eating where she unconsciously raids the kitchen for food in the middle of the night. Personally, I'm more bothered by her other problem - wake talking.

Sarah Palin has joined and put her resume on the social networking site, LinkedIn. Under "Hobbies," it says "Hunting, Traveling, and Destroying John McCain's career."

Randy Quaid and his wife will be arraigned today on felony charges resulting from skipping out on a $10000 hotel bill. This could have all been avoided if they stayed with the Griswolds.

This week is officially Teen Read Week where teens are encouraged to ditch the TVs and video games and read a book. In related news, next week is Atomic Wedgies For Participants of Teen Read Week Week.

Beyonce has postponed shows in Malaysia because of accusations by Islamic conservatives saying the show would be immoral. Most people think the immorality is because of Beyonce's dancing and scant clothing but really it's the idea of giving single ladies a voice.

An 83-year-old man in Texas opened fire on his son when the son would not stop drumming. "Look, I said I didn't want to work," replied the hospitalized Todd Rundgren.

1 comment:

jim said...

You dudes are FUNNY !! Great material!! Tor, You certainly could do a stand-up rountine with these writers.
BTW I bought some Swine Flu drugs on the internet but only got 5 inches. I'm going to ask for a refund!!!