ARIES - The planets are aligned for you today, Sweet Aries. There's $4.35 lying on a subway seat in Midtown with your name on it. Don't let anyone get in your way. They mess with the Ram, they get the horns. If you do engage in fisticuffs, keep an eye out for someone in navy underwear with stripes. I'm seeing a romantic aura that could mean "The One." Still, it's about the money so beat "The One" enough to keep him incapacitated while you retrieve it. That's good Starbucks scratch!
TAURUS - Jupiter can be a real equus' patootie sometimes and today is one of those sometimes. Keep an eye out for trouble in the form of a homeless man on a zamboni. Which homeless man on a zamboni? Trust me, Fair Taurus, you'll know the one. Prepare yourself by keeping ketchup in your pocket. Make sure it's loose ketchup and not packets. You want to fling it directly into his eyes so it splatters. Also, it might be time to treat yourself to a new couch!
GEMINI - It's clear sailing for you, Gemini. Mercury went on a bender last night and isn't waking up for days. Today's the day you put your financial worries aside because you're going on a coast-to-coast gas station robbing spree! You know that virus in the coat closet that I made you steal four months ago from the lab? It's time to inject your favorite Aunt with it. Law enforcement is getting harder and harder to elude with today's technology. Having a beloved sick aunt is a great story to tell the jury, especially through real tears. Also, make sure you return those movies to Netflix!
CANCER - Why are you always so depressed, Cancer? Cheer up. Here are the winning numbers for tonight's Mega Millions: 2, 8, 22, 23, 40, MB 19. Does that get a wittle smile? Does it, Cancer? Who's a happy Cancer? Who's a happy Cancerrrr?
LEO - Do you like the world on the half shell because it is your oyster today, Sexy Leo. People in Africa may be suffering horrible atrocities at the hands of religious zealots but that's the furthest thing from your mind. It's time to splurge for that new car. You've wanted it for some time. Just because all the adorable sea turtles of the world are going to be extinct real soon doesn't mean you can't have a convertible. Let the sun shine on your face as you ride up the coast but do it soon because that coast is going to be under water once global warming gets done with this place. Keep smiling, Lucky Leo!
VIRGO - Stop being a freakin' prude, Virgo! You need to open yourself up physically to someone and stop teasing! You think he's going to wait around for you forever! I-He's got women throwing themselves at him! Why don't I take one of them, then? Maybe I will! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you'd get everything! Lucky numbers: 16 and 30.
LIBRA - Take a day for yourself. Put on your drabbest, most comfortable clothes. Even if they are in the hamper. Take them out and put them on. Rent a zamboni and cruise the town.
SCORPIO - Something unexpected will happen today but, if I tell you what it is, it won't be unexpected anymore. Do you want a hint, Scorpio? It has something to do with your mom and a bus. That's all I can say. I've said too much already. No, really. Let it go. Just trust that you will be shocked. Stop harassing me! I CONTROL THE STARS!!! I CAN MAKE IT SO THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!! Ironically, after today, you'll be wishing for that. That's my last hint, though. Man, I'm so talkative around you. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, and 7.
SAGITTARIUS - Today's the day to ask your boss for a promotion. You're going to walk right up to your boss, kiss him square on the lips and say, "I deserve a promotion." If that doesn't work, start doing the Raj dance from "What's Happening!!" while singing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. The confusion of fast-paced Raj dancing and the sadness of the "City of Angels" song will distract him enough for you to handcuff yourself to him. Now visibly swallow the key and rub your belly to act like it was delicious. Also, if he has bolt cutters (Where do you work that the boss has those lying around?), swallow those too. After he agrees to the promotion, take him to dinner. You're stuck with each other for a while anyway!
CAPRICORN - Take advice from wherever you can get it because all of your ideas up to this point have been duds, you stupid goat. Here's an idea - stick your head in an oven! Or how about getting high and playing with your father's gun? I know, take up snake charming. Anything would be better than using the air that belongs to more important people! Treat yourself to a manicure!
AQUARIUS - You have an artistic side and it's time to show it, Water Person. Take every flier offered on the street today. Make a collage out of them and submit it to a gallery. Don't worry if the gallery takes the collage, walks a little bit away from you, and throws it in the garbage. That's just what happens. Keep at it and eventually a gallery will hold onto it and show it. Also, don't answer the phone between the hours of 6 and 9!
PISCES - What's up, Fish? Neptune is claiming you as his bitch so you are going to have to live under his rules. (Cue Barry White.) Neptune likes his fish sexy so put on some makeup and learn how to work a pole. It's going to be a long term if you fight it so give in early and try to enjoy it. Neptune takes care of those that take care of him. So do as 2 In A Room would have you do and "wiggle it." Also, make a cake for fun!