MetsTDs

I wrote the first list item below on Twitter a couple of weeks ago after Jose Reyes hit a ball hard off Chan Ho Park of the Yankees. I said he gave Chan Ho Park diaReyes. Then a good comedian responded with the second one. I've been thinking of the rest of them at random and felt like posting the results.

• DiaReyes
• Paganorrhea (via Charles Star, follow him)
• Takahashingles
• TouWright's Syndrome
• HepaTatis B
• Blancolitis
• Dickey Cell Anemia
• K-Rodic Arthritis
• Francoeurpes (also acceptable, SchizoFrenchya)
• Bayds

Have anymore?

Terrific Tweets

Jon Friedman, a very funny man who writes for Jimmy Fallon, keeps a list of his favorite tweets from the week. This week I was fortunate enough to have one of my tweets included. To see the post, click here.

I'm on Jimmy Fallon's blog. On the same page as Lizz Winstead, Toddy Barry, and Jim Gaffigan. I'm pleased. Thanks, Jon!

Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It's been a while since there was a Twitter game that I've partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

1. A Pedigree of Dunces
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
5. Running With Geezers
6. Gov in the Time of Obama
7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
8. Are You There Todd? It's Me, Maverick
9. The Lord of the Trig
10. Life of Lie

Historical Twitter

These are some historical tweets I would definitely had retweeted if there was twitter in those days and, also, if I was alive.

RT @THEREALCopernicus I totally nailed the sun thing. #inyourgrecianfaces

RT @AlexTheGr8 I expect you all to put me and only me down for #followfriday.

RT @WillWallace If they ever retell my life, they better make it so I get a girl, like a princess or something. I deserve it.

RT @JuliusCZer Walking to the Senate on this beautiful Ides night. Drinks after with @manthony.

RT @HonestAbe Doing a 5 minute spot at Gettysburg today.

RT @OfficialAristotle Waxing intellectually with @Plate_Ohhh. Going to convince him it's worth studying animals.

RT @IambShakespeare WROTE ANOTHER PLAY! O GLORIOUS DAY! NOW I MUST LAY WITH MY HATHAWAY! LET'S GO!

RT @LeoFromVinci Trying to do a portrait of @lisagherardini but she won't give me a good smile. #artfail

First Draft Movie Lines

This Twitter trend was probably one of my favorites. You take a famous movie line and you write what it might have been originally. Simple? Sure. Hilarious? I hope so.

• "I am serious and my name is not the homophone of the first word in your incredulous question."
• "Do you like apples? Oh, you don't. Do you think you could pretend to for the purposes of my burn? You can't? Alright. Thanks, anyway."
• "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot which would lead you to believe I would pollute which I can assure you is the furthest thing from the truth."
• "Khaaaaan! Are you there, Khan? I just went through a tunnel and...damn it!"
• "I'm going to get you, my pretty, or I'm going to get your little dog. Or....both! Yeah, both!"
• "Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Those are your only two options. I'm going to need an answer. I got places to be."
• "Mama always said these sayings to me that were real simple life similes because I'm too retarded for real talk."
• "Houston, the shuttle's broken! This cannot be presented as an understatement!"
• "I'm at such an advanced age that I really would rather not encounter shit."
• "May this mystical Jedi power remain with you on your travels."
• "This. Is. Sparta! I'm surprised you didn't know that. There was a sign about 100 yards back."
• "I see dead people. (Winks and points at Bruce Willis) Did you get that? I. See. (Points again) Dead people."
• "We're going jogging naked so our less than attractive physiques can be made a spectacle of!"
• "I feel like royalty with my arms stretched out like this on the front of this supposedly secure ocean liner!"
• "You call that a knife? I guess it is but, in Australia, we have a different set of standards for our cutlery."
• "Is my wife's head in that box?"
• "Sometimes floating plastic bags make me cry."
• "I feel the need. The need to fly this airplane really really fast."
• "I'm not even supposed to have a shift at this Quick Stop convenience store today."
• "I'm going to make him an offer and then I'm going to put on my angry face. There's no way he'll say no."
• "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! It tickles! (Giggling Heston)"
• "This terminator will return...right after these messages."
• "I'll have the same meal that gave that woman an orgasm."
• "Carpe Diem. That means 'Seize the Day' in Orkan, boys."
• "You're my agent. Get the money and put it where I can see it!"
• "I don't think you would like the truth if I gave it to you."
• "Hey, my reflection, did you just say something to me?"
• "Every time you hear a bell ring, it means it's noon in heaven."
• "We all get freaky deaky and dress up like our moms sometimes."
• "I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. But they raped him. A lot."
• "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Or a hot dog vendor. Ooo, or a dental technician."
• "Are you not entertained?!? Because I could kill opponents in this arena all day!"

Unnecessary Sequels

I love me some Twitter Trends. This is one from yesterday. You take a movie and come up with a sequel that shouldn't be made. I'm not talking like "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." We want movies that don't exist, not movies we wish didn't exist. So here's my list:

1. Punch Drunk Relationship Counseling
2. To Kill A Mockingbird And Maybe Check For A Pulse This Time, Richard
3. Stop! Or My Mom Will Reload
4. Don't Tell Mom That We Have A Pile of Babysitters In The Basement
5. Definitely Deeper Than Last Time Impact
6. Fight Varsity Team
7. Seriously This Time, Apocalypse...Now! No, Now!
8. Ei8ht: You Forgot Malvy
9. Some Also Like It Cold
10. Who's Sarah Marshall?
11. Lebowski Really Let Himself Go
12. Slumdog Poor Investor
13. Breakin' 3: Cellular Crumparee
14. Casablanca 2: Let's Have Paris Again
15. It Happened Again On A Different Night
16. Took A Moment To Calm Himself Down Bull
17. Singin' With Pneumonia
18. It's Still A Pretty Good Life
19. Did The Right Thing
20. Chief of Medicine Strangelove
21. High One P.M.
22. Bride Reconstructions
23. Back The Baby's Back
24. Superbad 2: McLovin's Lament
25. The Life Of Bees That Everyone Knows
26. Snakes With Parachutes
27. You, Robot, Too
28. The Hotter Girl Next To The Girl Next Door
29. School Of Roll
30. Grounding Nemo

Bond On A Budget

There was this game on Twitter yesterday called #budgetbond. Some of the comics I follow (Paul Scheer, Dan Telfer, and Megan Ganz) were making up titles for James Bond movies if they had less of a budget. You'll see what I mean. I thought I would try to come up with something for every movie. (Click here for a list to compare.)

1. Pre-Med Student No
2. From Ronkonkama With Love
3. Pyritefinger
4. Partly Cloudyball
5. You Only Live Twice, But Let's Shoot For Once
6. On Her Majesty's Paul Blart Mall Cop
7. Chocolates Are Good Til The "Sell By" Date Unless Refrigerated
8. Live and Squat Die
9. The Man with the Regular Ol' Gun
10. The Spy Who Passed Me On The Street Once
11. Front Yardraker
12. For Your Eye Only
13. Nopussy
14. A Quick Glimpse to a Kill
15. The Living DayCandles
16. Learner's Permit to Kill
17. GoldenAppendix
18. Tomorrow Never Dies, You'll Have To Trust Us
19. The World Turned Out To Be Enough
20. Dying One Day Was Acceptable
21. Casino Plebe
22. Half a Quantum of Solace

Well, that's it. Some of them I love. Some are obvious. Some are the last two I came up with. Can you guess which disasters those were? I bet you can.

Things Twitter Brought To My Life Today

When you spend a large amount of time on a social networking app, you want something to show for it. I give so much to Twitter and rarely get things back. Today was one of those days that made it worth it. And how!

Tip Toes - This is a real movie. It was made in 2003 and somehow stayed under my radar until today. How? It features Gary Oldman in "the role of a lifetime." We spend so much time ripping Matthew McConaughy apart for his movies. How does this not enter into the argument? I fear this is a ruse, it is so ridiculous. However, it's available on Amazon and you can add it to your Netflix queue. I can say no more. Enjoy.

I guess we can take solace in the fact that it's a drama. (I'm usually a terrible guesser.) GARY OLDMAN AS A DWARF?!?!?! WHAT!?!? Do they not realize that there are people who can play this part without special effects? Wow.

Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat - The Keyboard Cat is getting more famous by the day. The cat plays a silly tune over embarrassing video clips found on YouTube. There are many funny ones but when I saw this one, the search is over and there is no point in making any more.

So the answer to the age old question is "yes, it would be funny if the Sixth Sense kid was terminal." I've watched this 3 times now and it makes me think of two things: 1. It shouldn't be that big of a shock. His mom, Jenny, died of the same thing. 2. Even Chuck Norris can't cure AIDS.

Thanks, Twitter.

Top Comedy Twitter-ers

Comedy Central Insiders just released its top 100 Twitter accounts for funny times. Was I on the list? No. Did I want to be on the list? Of course. Should I have been? Not even a little. Still, there were some glaring omissions and some horrible inclusions. (I won't get into it but some people haven't updated Twitter since they signed up for the account and got on because they are funny in real life.) 

I feel that Twitter is a great place to write some funny short thoughts and the following people take it beyond just a what-they're-doing-right-now tweet and should be recognized. If you don't follow these people, you should.

• Pete Holmes
• Liam McEneany
• Kurt Braunohler
• Sara Schaefer
• Aparna Nancherla
• Rob Lathan
• Dan Fontaine
• Adam Wade
• Mo Diggs
• Mike Drucker
• Diana Saez
• Sara Benincasa
• Michael Somerville
• Donald Glover

If you think, well these are just your friends, of course you put them up, you should know that I don't really know most of them. Some I've never even met. If you know of anyone else that I should be following, leave a comment.

Twitter Fun

This is what you could be enjoying if you got a twitter account. Go do it and follow me.