Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.