Friday, February 27, 2009

Top Comedy Twitter-ers

Comedy Central Insiders just released its top 100 Twitter accounts for funny times. Was I on the list? No. Did I want to be on the list? Of course. Should I have been? Not even a little. Still, there were some glaring omissions and some horrible inclusions. (I won't get into it but some people haven't updated Twitter since they signed up for the account and got on because they are funny in real life.) 

I feel that Twitter is a great place to write some funny short thoughts and the following people take it beyond just a what-they're-doing-right-now tweet and should be recognized. If you don't follow these people, you should.
If you think, well these are just your friends, of course you put them up, you should know that I don't really know most of them. Some I've never even met. If you know of anyone else that I should be following, leave a comment.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Preggo Shuffle

Someone posted this recently on Facebook and it's mesmerizing. I felt the need to share it. This almost makes me want to have a pregnant wife just so I can see her in a leotard. I didn't know they made maternity leotards. I would have had that up there pretty high on the impractically retarded pregnancy list next to maternity corset and maternity suit of armor. Still, I'm getting one for the mother of my children.

My favorite parts are the solo rap, rhyming bagel and kegel, and the awkward hug. I also want to point out that the instructions at the end are not only appropriate for pregnant women but for all people. Be sure you can carry on a normal conversation before continuing. If you cannot, you may have had a stroke. Can you smell cheese? Can you not carry on a normal conversation AND you smell cheese? Get to a doctor! GO!

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 2) Part 2

There isn't much to say. The group came out and sang "Closer" by Ne-Yo. Seeing the two-eyed Cyclops hip hop bounce was worth not fast forwarding. Advancing into the Top 12:

Allison "Two-Face" Iraheta - She was easily the best of the night for me with the exception of her interview but she'll get more comfortable. Did anyone else notice that her legs got cold from the opening of the show to when she was in the stool? She went from normal-colored legs to grey legs during commercial break. Should I have noticed that? Let's move on.

Kris "Chick Magnet" Allen - He got the Simon bump and probably knocked out Megan Corkrey. "Man in the Mirror" is such a weird song. I haven't heard it since we sang it as a class for 3rd Grade Parent Night and I still knew all of the words. How is that possible? Anyway, this wasn't a bad choice. He can sing but I'm not a fan of his name beginning with a K. For the rest of his time on this blog, he will be known as Qrisse. That'll teach his parents not to make mistakes like this anymore.

Adam "Siren Harpie" Lambert - I was somewhat pleased that his second version of "Satisfaction" was not an exact copy of the first version. Maybe he's not a musical robot. He's got a tremendous voice but I'm still not sure if I like him. Since I judge books by their covers, I'm going to let the Idol stylists make him more palatable in my eyes over the coming weeks.

Who should get the Wild Card? I think Megan Corkrey. She's fun. She has an odd stage dance that's the most fun, awkward thing to watch since Dave Matthews started that leg thing he does in the 90s. I know I was pushing for Matt Giraud yesterday but I don't think he's in. There are only so many spots left.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Twitter Fun

This is what you could be enjoying if you got a twitter account. Go do it and follow me.

NoBuddies - Moving Into Girl's (Episode 4)

This is the fourth episode and the first in our new location. This will eliminate that fish tank buzz that infiltrated the first 3 episodes. It should be awesome sound and tons of laughs from now on! Let's do this!

After losing the house on eBay, everyone moves into Girl's. Bill's not happy with the setup.

Gray - Sean McCormack
Bill - William Franke
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

American Idol - Top 36 (Week 2) Part 1

My title needs more numbers, I think. Anyway. I am going to blog this while I watch the show on my DVR. It makes it easier to remember everything I want to say about each person and avoids me forgetting all that comedy gold I come up with during playback.

Jasmine Murray - "Love Song" - She picked a cool song. I'm a huge Sara Bareilles fan. Her problem is she didn't sing the song fast enough. The thing with uptempo songs is that there is really no room for interpretation unless you change the arrangement. She tried for interpretation without rearrangement and that's why she failed.

Matt Giraud - "Viva La Vida" - He sang an awesome "Georgia On My Mind" during Hollywood Week. He made a large mistake trying to bring a soulful feel to a Coldplay song. The problem is that Chris Martin has no soul so it can't be done. If he would have succeeded, it would have been like Cindy Loo Who getting the Grinch's heart the grow three sizes. Sorry, Matt. Maybe you'll get one of the wild cards.

Jeanine Vailes - "This Love" - I was distracted by her changing all the female pronouns to male pronouns. Just lesbian it up for normalcy. Unfortunately, she made Adam Levine seem like he should be in the pantheon with Mariah and Whitney. So that's good for Adam Levine.

Nick Mitchell - "And I'm Telling I'm You" - Something might be wrong with me because I enjoyed this. Since he will be singing this every week (he sang it at Hollywood Week), I'm sure it will bother me by Week Six but tonight, it was fun. Please don't vote for him.

Allison Iraheta - "Alone" - Heart is usually a terrible pick. Not this time. She was awesome. Finally! Because this show was awful until now. However, I agree with Simon that she has a rough personality. She put off a Joaquin-Phoenix-on-Letterman vibe with Ryan before singing.

Kris Allen - "Man In The Mirror" - It started out not so great but it ended really strong. I was sitting here when he started singing thinking ugh but then he hit a note and it made me look up from my laptop. I even deleted the first sentence I wrote. Not bad. Will it get a spot? I don't think so.

Megan Corkrey - "Put Your Records On" - This girl knows how to enunciate. Wow. She must have gone to a Catholic school and gotten smacked if she ignored one letter in any word. She also wiggles nicely.

Matt Breitzke - "If You Could Only See" - This was boring. He seems like a nice guy but there are better guys than him, singing-wise. At least when this is over, he can remove one of his eyes and have a life feasting on Odysseus' crew.

Jesse Langseth - "Bette Davis Eyes" - It's pretty good. It was safe but what do you expect? She just died in Daniel Faraday's arms from temporal displacement a couple of weeks ago. It's good to have her back.

Kai Kalama - "What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted" - It was nice to listen to. He's got the hair of Sideshow Bob's brother, Cecil, so that's cool. He won't be back.

Mishavonna Henson - "Drops of Jupiter" - It sounded really good but the judges thought she looked too serious. I went back to watch it because I was too busy searching for the spelling of Cecil to look up the first time. She did look serious. Like angry that no one was answering her questions. Yes, Mishavonna, the wind swept me off my feet. Oh God, just don't hurt me.

Adam Lambert - "Satisfaction" - The dude can sing, in most cases not like a dude but he can sing. I think he overdid it but he's working the theater out of himself so that he can then put the theater back in himself after the competition. (Cause he'll be on Broadway with most of the other American Idol finalists from times past.) He'll be fine.

I think the Top 3 will be Adam Lambert, Allison Iraheta, and Megan Corkrey. Matt Giraud will hopefully get a Wild Card.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

CDC You Real Soon, Beer Pong

Doctors have determined that playing beer pong can lead to the transfer of the flu, mono, or even herpes. This doesn't make any sense. How can drinking a cup of beer that's had a ball that's been on a dorm room floor countless times the least bit dangerous? I mean you rinse it off in that rarely-changed cup of tepid water each time it hits the ground. A tepid water rinse is to disease what the morning-after pill is to babies. And I don't even need that one year in the Pre-Med program at Seton Hall to tell you that. That's why every guy dips his junk in warm water after a night with a particularly dirty hooker. It's the responsible thing to do.

These doctors are a bunch of nerds who were not allowed to play this great game and are now using their "science" to ruin things for the rest of us fun people. These doctors may ask, "How do you explain all of the sickness and disease among people who play beer pong?" To them, I say, "Coincidence. Mere coincidence." I'm sure the stomach flu I get every time I go to the city and then eat is because I forget to wash my hands after holding the pole in the subway car. Sure, doctors. Sure. Why don't you go play your Warcrafts or build your telescopes and leave the cool people alone?

Monday, February 23, 2009

Going To The Movies: Jack Bauer

It is actually harder than you would think to make a movie date with Jack Bauer. Jack was able to give me a couple of hours last Sunday because it's his "day of rest." His words. I think he's buying into replacing Chuck Norris as a butt-kickin' deity a little too much.

Anyway, we went to see "Taken." Before the movie started, I asked him if he needed to use the bathroom and he looked at me and, after a brief pause, we both broke into hysterics. I laughed until my sides hurt. He was stone-faced and made these awkward grunts that he assured me were the closest he gets to laughter. It sounded like a rhino groaning with the hiccups. It was creepy but I can't tell you what a confidence boost it was as an unknown comedian to make Jack Bauer laugh. I will have that forever.

On a side note, Jack Bauer is aware of all the "Why doesn't he go to the bathroom?" jokes and is not happy about it. He was born without a bladder. He sweats out any liquid waste he generates through his groin. Jack Bauer must have the worst case of swamp ass on the planet. It's a good thing he's on our side with that chemical warfare in his pants. He didn't laugh when I said that and I faced forward until the end of the movie.

Is there anything you want to say before we begin the review?

Jack Bauer
The following takes place between 4:24 and-

You keep a timeline for life, too? What are you going to tell your diary about me?
Dear Jack's diary, today I-

Jack Bauer stares at Kevin.

Sorry. Now that I made you laugh, I need to do it again. It's an addiction. Let's talk about "Taken."

Jack Bauer
I thought it was fine.

That's it?

Jack Bauer

Um...What if I told you that, unless you give me a good review about the movie, the President will die at the top of the hour.

Jack Bauer grabs Kevin by the throat and pushes him into the wall.

Jack Bauer
You did something to the President. Big mistake.

I was just trying-

Jack Bauer


Jack keeps one hand on Kevin's throat. He takes out his cell phone.

Jack Bauer
(on phone)
Chloe, what's the status of the President?

(on speaker)
One second, Jack.

Jack Bauer
(on phone)
Now, Chloe, it's important!

(on speaker)
Easy, Jack. You're supposed to be relaxing. Doctor's orders.

Jack Bauer
(on phone)
How can I relax when pissants like this can get to the President!?!

(on speaker)
The President is fine. He is playing basketball with his friends.

That's what I was saying. I was kid-

Jack Bauer
(on phone)
Are you sure?

(on speaker)
Yes, Jack. I will send an image to your phone.

Jack hangs up with Chloe and checks the picture of the President playing basketball.

Jack Bauer
Why would you do that?

I figured if you thought the President was in danger, you would be a better interview.

Jack Bauer releases Kevin's throat.

Jack Bauer
I have to go.
(starts to leave)
The movie was fine but I could have gotten his daughter back in 45 minutes. Good bye, Mr. Tor and grow up.

Jack Bauer walks away.

I will, Mr. Bauer, sir. Sorry again.
(calls after him)
You should try Chamomile tea. To relax.
(to the camera)
Well, that's it for Going to the Movies with Jack Bauer. Taken was an effective thriller and Liam Neeson was kinda bad ass. Go see it. In closing, if I'm not in holding for whatever rogue agency Jack Bauer now works for, I'll see you next time.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: NPH Digital Short

Hulu got permission (finally) to put this up. I can watch this over and over for days. I was feeling a little down this morning but now, I have renewed energy. 

Well, what are you waiting for? Enjoy it!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

American Idol Top 36 (Week 1)

I'm a huge American Idol fan. I don't know why people feel the need to be embarrassed by watching it. It's awesome. Embrace it. So, here are my thoughts:

Jackie Tohn - "A Little Less Conversation" - I want to say this was good because she seems quite likable but it wasn't. She brought back spandex, however. (We all know how i feel about spandex. The answer's good if you didn't know.) Flailing around the stage like she was on fire, she "entertained" but not in the way I think she was going for. But she had fun which is all that matters when she looks back on this as she heads home.

Ricky Braddy - "A Song For You" - There's always one person that gets no screen time during the audition period and Hollywood Week. That's Ricky Braddy. He really rocked this song. Not Elliot Yamin rocked but still, rocked. He doesn't make the top 3 for the week but there is no way he's not in the talks for a wild card.

Alexis Grace - "I Never Loved A Man The Way I Loved You" - She apparently got dirty by dying her hair pink. She's Kelly Clarkson dirty at best but she has a long way to go to the Christina Aguilera or Nicole Scherzinger level of dirty, also known as the Pig-Pen Class of female pop stardom. Still, she's really good and deserved the first spot in the Top 12.

Casey Carlson - "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic" - She is really pretty and now she can go be pretty with common folk.

Anoop Desai - "Angel of Mine" - How is Anoop going home? I know he wasn't great like he has been but he should be in the Top 12. Sadly, we now have two wild cards given out in the first week leaving one for the next two weeks. Doesn't look good for both Anoop and Ricky.

Brent Keith - "Hick Town" - He seems like a good guy but if he couldn't win Nashville Star, a show totally in his element, how could he win a contest that really doesn't care for country stars. (Yes, I know Carrie Underwood won but she was an awesome singer and won singing pop songs.)

Michael Sarver - "I Don't Wanna Be" - This was not very good. When Ryan asked him what his roughneck coworkers would think, I fast forwarded because my wife gets very angry when we watch any more Idol content than necessary. Still, I like to think his roughneck friends would be saying, "Where the hell is he? He's been out of work for months! No good bum! These giant wrenches don't turn themselves!" Welcome to the Top 12, second-best feel-good story.

Ann Marie Boskovich - "Natural Woman" - She got the words right. That's something.

Stevie Wright - "You Belong With Me" - She younged herself up by singing Taylor Swift. I don't know a lot about Taylor Swift but she apparently can't sing her own songs very well. Maybe that's why Stevie tried it. This is one of those song choices where you might be able to be better than the original. Nice thought. Regardless, she failed miserably but she's young and she'll be back in Season 9 (unless you aren't allowed to come back if you make the Top 36).

Stephen Fowler - "Rock With You" - Seriously, he deserved to go home just for picking this song. This is what he does with his second chance? Really? REALLY? Why not sing a medley of Stevie Wonder, Queen, and Whitney Houston? That could work.

Tatiana Del Toro - "Saving All My Love For You" - I was just saying something about Whitney Houston, I think. Anyway, Tatiana is the scariest person to ever grace the stage of American Idol. More like Tatiana Del Loco. Am I Right? High five. She had the last few weeks to see that she was depicted as a psychopath but here's the thing: the camera never lies. She's guano crazy. I loved her controlled, "I'm not really like that" attitude this week. She held it in just enough to snap. I wouldn't be surprised if she is eventually charged with the murders of all four judges. Police will find her in her basement singing to the decapitated heads of Simon, Paula, Randy, and Kara that she will have impaled on sticks so they seem like they are paying attention. Beware all involved in American idol especially that crew member she thanked during Hollywood week. You're on her radar. Yikes and good riddance.

Danny Gokey - "Hero" - He's not going home, probably ever. His singing was good but he's sounded better. He's still my favorite and I like that Simon tried to keep him grounded. Simon always says the right thing to each person. Sometimes he talks too long and gets excessively mean but what he says is always the thing that needs to be said to that contestant at that moment. It's amazing. Simon likes Danny and wants him to stay around and I do too.

Bonus thought:

Michael Johns and Carly Smithson - "The Letter" - Can we vote them off again? This was rough.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Stupid Sexy Flanders* has named Ned Flanders the sexiest animated character on TV. I thought we should examine all the things that must have led up to this decision.

1. The Streetcar Named Desire - This is the first time Ned really bares what is beneath his go-to green sweater. Jon Lovitz (playing himself) assigns him the role of Stanley simply because of his chiseled frame. Ned need not audition. This is really what being sexy is all about. You don't need to do anything to get ahead. You just need to exist. Well, Ned existed his way into a starring role. I won't even go into the passionate roll on the floor with Marge's Blanche. 

2. The Ski Suit - After you've proven that you are sexy while baring it all, the next thing is to keep that sexiness while wearing fabric. To me, true clothed sexiness went out the window when people stopped wearing fluorescent-striped bike shorts in the early 90s. Spandex is so sensual. You know who else thinks so? Ned Frickin' Flanders! Witness his awesome hind quarters in the pic below.

To drive the point home, there is this bit of genius. (Caution, it's hypnotic.)

3. The Dating Video - I think everyone would agree that the greatest asset a sexy person could have is a large sex organ, be it a huge penis or a huge vagina. And we learned that Ned is packing the former when Homer caught him in the shower. As you can glimpse below, Ned is hung like a bear, a bear with elephantitis and then a subsequent allergic reaction to a bee sting on his genitals. It should also be noted that during this montage, "I'm Too Sexy" was playing. Need more? Yes? Then, star wipe to number 4.

4. Rod and Todd - Ned is totally devoted to his kids. He doesn't even care that the newspapers claim "Todd smells." He stands behind them 100 percent and what can be sexier than that?

That is why no one comes close. Everybody may hate him but you can't help but be attracted to him.

* Stupid as said by me if it was 1990 and I was the lead singer of Digital Underground.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/17/09

Scientists have narrowed the location of Osama bin Laden to one of three places. The good news is that one of those places is Earth so at least we haven't been wasting our time.

ARod claims that in high school he could bench 310 pounds but now, he can probably only get up 240. So that goes to show you that steroids make you weaker. In fact, he was just trying to play at the same lesser level as everyone else. He was tired of being the best. The guy cares.

ARod also says that he got the pills over the counter in the Dominican Republic so he didn't think it was bad. You know what else you can buy over the counter in the Dominican Republic? Cocaine. Rocket launchers. Babies.

Jay-Z has come out in support of Rihanna in the wake of the Chris Brown situation. Not sure if this support will cut into his other uninspired backings such as his hatred of cancer or his love of clean air but we'll see. He's only one man.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/16/09

C-SPAN ranked the U.S. Presidents from best to worst with Abraham Lincoln in the top spot for the second straight set of rankings. Finishing last for the second straight time as well...James Buchanan. You know, you split a country into two warring parts and nobody ever forgives you. I do find it interesting that the two worst Presidents, Buchanan and Andrew Johnson, bookended Lincoln in history. So you can't open for or follow Lincoln. He's like the Goo Goo Dolls of U.S. leaders.

A toy vendor is manufacturing a Bernie Madoff action figure that wears a devil-red suit and carries a pitchfork. The doll also comes with a hammer so you can smash it. For $99.95, you will get most of the doll in the first shipment. You are then encouraged to return the part of the doll that you got and for an additional $49.95, you will get more of the doll than you previously received. After that, you have the option of returning that doll portion and sending $29.95 in order to be entered into a sweepstakes where you can get two whole dolls or half of the doll that you just sent back. It's a gamble but think about having two dolls!

That's a picture of Java, the new leopard cub belonging to Siegfried and Roy. He's already mauling at a full size level. Siegfried and Roy are delusionally and mind-bogglingly excited.

A mysterious fireball streaked across the sky in Texas yesterday morning. Police checked the area where it could have landed but found nothing out of the ordinary at Jonathan and Martha Kent's farm. Don't worry, Superman. Your secret's safe with me. No one reads this thing. I'd like to add that it's about time. Head's up though: people think you are gay and smell Batman's ass.

Michael Phelps will not be criminally charged for the picture of him with a bong because there was not enough evidence to prosecute. So if you are keeping track at home, a picture is enough to win a gold medal...

But not enough to press charges...

Something tells me he hit the bong harder than he hit the wall. Bong!

Friday, February 13, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Ten)...Series Finale

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and Kevin did nine days worth of things.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

We woke up for french toast. Loly likes french toast like a fat kid loves...well, probably french toast. She spent the previous night looking up a good old fashioned breakfast place just to get french toast. She has a problem and I want to get that problem in writing in case it ever comes to anything. The french toast was acceptable to her (thankfully...have you seen Ben Stiller in Mystery Men?) and we left the restaurant to take in a movie.

When we got to the theater, a car pulled up to the front and let a kid (11 or 12 years old) out. The kid ran around the front of the car as the mom rolled forward and hit the kid. The kid (who shops in the husky section if you catch what I'm putting out there) awkwardly hopped and jumped to keep from falling under the car. For some reason, the mother kept rolling and didn't stop until literally 10 feet later. The kid was fine and was even giggling like it was fun. I guess there's no better motivation to lose weight than with fear of vehicular homicide. Mental note for when I have a chunky offspring.

We saw Frost/Nixon which is the movie in which famed poet Robert Frost uses a time machine to travel to the late 90s to interview Cynthia Nixon from Sex and the City. I know you are thinking I'm being preposterous but apparently 75 percent of the movie was fabricated so it may as well have been. Was Richard Nixon even President? I feel like I did after The Perfect Storm. (Why won't you just try to swim, Marky Mark!!! Give it a shot, you quitter!!) Still, Frost/Nixon was an entertaining movie and definitely worth a watch.

We spent the rest of the time between the movie and dinner getting our bags ready to leave in the morning. Dinner was at Fogo de Chao. 

If you have never been to a Churrascaria and you like delicious meat, you have not been living your life right. What happens at these places is men come around with knives and large skewers of meat. At the table, you are given a coaster. The coaster has a red side and a green side. Green side means bring on the meat. Red side means I'm a loser and can't eat like a grown up. Either that or stop. When the meat men come, they identify the meat (lamb, prime rib, filet mignon, etc.) and then you accept or decline. I couldn't stop accepting. Loly had to drag me out of the restaurant when I started speaking in carnivorous tongues. Little did she know that I kept coaster and they are still bringing me meat even as I type this in New Jersey. Mmmmm, that will be all, Hernan.

Thank you all for reading this. It was nice to relive the trip. We had a great time.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: John Freakin' Tesh

This is so awesome! I can't even come up with things to say. Alright, I can. Watch the air dribbling. Air dribbling! There is nothing like a rocking rendition of the NBA on NBC song. I love how Tesh jumps into the song. It takes place on Catalina which means this was all part of a wine mixer. They pull out all the stops for those wine mixers.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Nine)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and Kevin indulged in lobster mashed potatoes. Thankfully, they were in Scottsdale and not in Ireland in 1847.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

My friend, Joe, works for the PGA Tour and was able to use his connections to score us tickets to the event taking place in Scottsdale. And people say he can't do things.

The tournament is famous for the Par 3 16th hole. The hole is completely surrounded by stadium seating. The atmosphere is something out of "Gladiator" except there are over 1000 Joaquin Phoenixes and they're all wearing polos. When a player misses the green off the tee, the fans unmercifully rain down boos. It's incredible. Some old guy sitting next to me literally harrumphed and said, "This is so unprofessional." Normally, I would agree but I chose to go with the mob. The only thing unprofessional was the performance of the guy who just missed that putt. HISSSSSSSSSS!

After Loly dragged me away and made me throw out my Callaway pitchfork, we went to the pro shop to get Joe a thank you souvenir. As we exited the shop, security guards told us to hold our positions. George H. W. Bush rode by as part of a presidential caravan of golf carts. I believe it can also be called a presidential caracart. It was good to see him out and about. Last time I saw him, he was banging Ruth Fisher and that was a while ago.

Loly and I finished our time at the event sitting in the shade on the 18th hole and watching Phil Mickelson end his round. Not too bad. Thanks, Joe.

We left the golf course and decided to have dinner at a restaurant that really stood out when we passed it: Pink Taco.

That's right. We had supper at a vagina euphemism and let me tell you, it was delicious. They have awesome Mexican food. If you are ever in the vicinity of this lady part eatery, have the tamale appetizer. Rockin'.

We finished the evening by grabbing some dessert at a cafe and bringing it back to the room. We put on "Rachel Getting Married" and Loly cried herself to sleep. The movie is good but I was surprised that Anne Hathaway played neither Rachel, Getting, or Married. She needs better agents.

Tune in tomorrow to see how we spent our last day in Scottsdale on Day 10 or Days of Our Vacation...

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Eight)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and Kevin robbed a series of banks and were gunned down unmercifully by law enforcement at the point when they thought they were most invincible. Ain't that the way?

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

We woke up early and headed to Phoenix which the concierge told us not to bother doing. She was right. Phoenix is dull. It's mostly office buildings and future office buildings. We were told by that same concierge that if we come back in a year, though, man...Phoenix will be hopping. I'm almost willing to call her bluff.

This was a sign we drove past that prompted many questions regarding procurement of tickets from Loly and I:

After the lackluster city tour, we returned to the hotel and gave a "you were right" head nod to the concierge and made an appointment at the hotel spa for manicures. A manicure is a special time in a boy's life and I was glad that my wife was there to share it with me. The beautician, or spa-stress as she liked to be called, spent the entire time taking my lack of small talk for insecurity about my maleness with regard to the procedure. This could not be further from the truth. I was the one who suggested the manicures because I didn't feel like cutting my nails. I assured her it was not a male ego thing at all and proceeded to sign up for an ass wax to hammer the point home. Ten shiny fingertips and one complimentary butt donut (I have a sensitive bum) later, I was ready for a night on the town.

For dinner, we went a restaurant called Mastro's. It is the greatest restaurant ever (if you like eating steak and seafood). We had been to the one in Beverly Hills when we went to California a couple of years ago and it was amazing. In fact, we pretty much added Scottsdale to our vacation just to go to this restaurant. I enjoy a good steak and these must come from cows that are treated like queens. These queen cows must walk on cushioned earth and eat the finest grasses, grasses that are equally enjoyable for each of their four magnificent stomachs. As for a side, they provide lobster mashed potatoes. I love lobster and I love mashed potatoes. If you would have told me that I could one day get both of those in one spoonful, I would have kicked you in your blasphemous face only to have to apologize later for realizing this ridonculous dish is not a dream. You need to go to this restaurant. Find a way.

We went to bed that night still in a food coma wondering if we should go there again for tomorrow's dinner.

Did we? Tune in tomorrow for Days of our Vacation (Day Nine)...

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Seven)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and Kevin plan a guerilla fashion show that will either launch Loly's star or ruin her chances of ever being accepted by the industry. Also, Kevin came up with a funny line that the Pink Jeep Tour guide is going to use for the rest of his days in front of the wheel.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

The drive to Scottsdale featured real cactuses, not the flat plants that rest near the ground. Cactuses with gumption, not afraid to reach for the sky. My kind of cactus.

We stayed at the Phoenician. The rooms were ridiculous. This was me on our balcony. The whole thing was one room's balcony. Our room's balcony. Yeah.

Loly and I had to meet in the middle of the porch to look at this picture in order to avoid getting winded.

We drove through Old Town Scottsdale which has the highest turquoise-related crime rate in the country. People see the Native American creations and go Gollum crazy.

Calm yourself. It's just a picture.

Tune in tomorrow to hear about our drive into Phoenix and our subsequent drive out of Phoenix...(Scottsdale and Phoenix did not have much to see)...

Monday, February 9, 2009

NoBuddies - Hate and Switch (Episode 3)

Bill plays a trick on Cal and Cal gets even...sort of.

Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor
Bill - William Franke

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Six)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, a plumbing leak became a deluge and wreaked havoc at Seattle Grace, as Kevin attempted to implement new teaching policies and Loly tried to retake her residency exam. Also, the Grand Canyon worried about Johnny Sack's upcoming RICO trial and the effect it was having on both the New York and New Jersey families.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

Loly and I started our day with a Pink Jeep Tour. The pink jeep showed up at our hotel and picked us up along with another couple. Before the jeep started moving, we exchanged pleasantries with the other couple which was exactly what we wanted to do. Hey, maybe after the jeep ride, we could get lunch and then put ourselves in each other's wills! Anyway, they told us they heard the jeep tour was scary and that you should bring another pair of pants.

The tour guide was a nice man who lived in Sedona his whole life. He told us everything about the animals and the plants native to the area. He drove us up on the red rocks and let us get out and walk around.

While on the rocks, he gave us a geology lesson about the rocks being red because they contain iron and have actually rusted. He pointed out a white layer of rock that separated the red layers and explained the millions of years that passed between them. All that was missing was a film projector, dimmed lights, and Ben Stein and we could have been in an episode of the "Wonder Years."

On the drive, the female from the other couple asked the guide about why the jeeps were pink. The guide said the creator of the company was inspired by something in Hawaii. I stopped paying attention to think up with a gem that led to this exchange:

The rest of the ride was fairly quiet. We went through some crazy terrain but nothing that required a second pair of pants. The guide, who must have tragically been born without a sense of humor, was in total control of the vehicle at all times.

Day Six, 3rd Grade Book Report Ending: 

In conclusion, Pink Jeep Tours are fun. I would recommend them to anyone who goes to Sedona. Sedona is a nice town with nice rocks and nice people. The food there is also good. I would go back there. I like paste.

Tune in tomorrow for the ride to Scottsdale in Day Seven of Days of our Vacation...

Friday, February 6, 2009

New York Comic Con Party Menu

I find it's always important to really do it up for Comic Con. After the convention, I like to take a day to reminisce with close friends about everything that happened. You know to make fun of people who cosplayed and looked nothing like their avatar or find out if anyone woke up next to a furry from the wrong mating subculture. It happens every year. So this year, I thought I'd provide the menu to whet your appetites and see if anyone new would like to join:

When the guests arrive, they can help themselves to snacks which will be placed around the room. Snacks include:
  • World of WarKraft cheese and crackers
  • Chex Files mix
  • Dumbledoritos and salsa
After that, we move on to the first course. We have a choice of soup:
  • DCsoise
  • C3Miso soup with R2Tofu
Then we move on to:
  • DollHouse salad with Eliza DushCroutons
Next, we have the entrees. Guests do not have to choose. They can sample any of the following:
  • Chewbaccalhau
  • RigaTony Stark with Pepper Pot Cheese
  • Stir-fried Spock Choy
After that, if anyone has any room left, we have:
  • Chocolate Cylondue
  • Buffy the Vampire Layer Cake
Mmmmm, that all sounds so delicious. I hope I can wait until after the convention. Hope to see you there.

ECNY 2009: Please Keep Your Eyes

The nominees for the 2008 ECNY awards came out and I was psyched to see people that I have become friends with over the last year on the list. Especially, Sara Benincasa and Diana Saez. They deserve it. Take a moment to vote for them here.

Now onto more me-centric things. I wrote up a quick paragraph asking all of you fine readers to keep me in mind for next year's ECNY awards. I am going to push to have a good comedic 2009 so I figured I should start campaigning now. And to prove that I was serious about this, I decided to translate my paragraph into German because that's a real serious language. But then I thought, who's going to be able to read it? So I translated it back and then I thought why not put it in Hungarian because that's a funny language as well as the origin of my last name? But then I wasn't sure if that country even still existed. So I translated it back and decided to just leave it in English. I thank you in advance for your consideration. Here's my paragraph:

I'm very fond of ECNY fee. I know that I am in the outer, but I now have a good year for me. I plan to continue. If you have a display, and would like to, please let me know. I do (with the exception of Yankee Stadium, never played.) Please keep your eyes, because I am in each category can be. Sketch Group? This can happen. Thank you to all at the beginning of the train. Take care of yourself and we will examine shortly.

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Five)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly was faced with an angry cabinet after an unpopular decision resulted in the loss of many American lives in a terrorist attack. Kevin convinced Prime Minister Matobo to go along with the plan when the undercover mission was revealed in a showdown with Emerson. Meanwhile, the dramatic shifts through time are placing the lives of the remaining island survivors in extreme peril. Crazy, right?

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

We wake up heinie early to see the sunrise over the Grand Canyon. All of that lack of sleep and for what? This?

I could have seen that in a magazine or book or episode of "The Brady Bunch." Seriously.

Loly and I are probably the most anti-social travelers in the continental 48. (I heard there are some real rough'ens in Alaska.) So, in order to avoid contact with strangers, we take pictures of ourselves by resting the camera on something and then setting the delay. Then Loly runs into place and we get a lovely picture of the two of us without having to exchange pleasantries with someone else. "We'll do you and then you can do us." Yeah and then we can get dinner and plan our next cruise together. Our Christmas card list is full! Thank you very much!

Anyways, this was one where Loly precariously placed the camera in a bush. The wind was blowing pretty good so the camera was moving and Loly and I attempted to adjust ourselves to look upright as the camera shifted. Not bad if you ask me.

As we left the Grand Canyon, I made sure Loly took a picture of this sign. It was my favorite. And so true. We saw a guy with only a left hand putting the sign up when we arrived the previous day.

We bid adieu to microbeds and spectacular, though sleep-depriving, views and headed off to Sedona, land of the Red Rocks. This drive really let me know what John Mellancamp has been singing about in all those songs. I love Jersey and all but I did not get what he was getting at in all those Chevy commercials. I get you now, Cougar. I get you. This is totally our country.

Some of the many Red Rocks. I don't think these are the ones discovered by Dave Matthews for a 1995 concert album but they were still impressive to see.

Tune in tomorrow for a full day of Red Rock fun in Day Six of Days of our Vacation...

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Four)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and I effectively rid ourselves of monetary burden and sustained ourselves by rationing the turn-down service chocolate squares. 

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

Awakened at six in the morning by the blaring sound of "Paper Planes" by MIA. I'd like to say that I was doing the worm in slow motion with Seth Rogen when it woke me up but I don't remember dreams so I'm not sure. The music was loud and I tried to go back to sleep when "Paradise City" came next. Axl made sure I stayed awake. The next song was the theme to Phantom of the Opera. What the heck? This next door, 6 AM party mix was weird. What followed was "Piano Man," "Piece of Me" by Britney, "Purple Haze", "Push" by Matchbox 20. I was sitting up and taking notes now. This music list was fascinating. It had to be an iPod going in alphabetical order.

Loly finally gave up and started to get ready to head out. "Ray of Light" came on. No Qs? What's that about? Now it was a game. We were trying to guess what was next. Maybe "Real Love" by Mary J. Blige or "Regulate" by Warren G? Nope, "Rehab." Then, "Respect." When the Johnny Cash version of "Ring of Fire" was followed by the Joaquin Phoenix version, Loly and I threw all of our clothes in our suitcases, folding be damned. Walking to the door, "Rock Your Body" came on so we waited because Loly and I can't get enough JT. Then, we left the room on "Rocket Man." It was a great start to the day.

We get in our rental car and head to the Hoover Dam.

The lady at the parking garage told us to take "all the dam pictures" we want. I'm not sure how she says that with such enthusiasm to every car. Probably a robot. What else is there to do out here once you've seen the dam other than make realistic robopeople? One thing I enjoyed is that there are bathrooms in the dam. I'd like to proudly say I did all the dam pooping I wanted too.

We left the Hoover Dam and drove a long, long time through a whole lot of empty space. At one point, we stopped for a bathroom break at a McDonald's in a town that Loly described as the inspiration for "Cars." Unfortunately, our Toyota Corolla wasn't going to be learning a lesson and saving anybody. We leave there with a mere 90 minutes to go according to TomTom.

90 minutes and one police stop later, we arrive at our hotel at the Grand Canyon. This is the top hotel in the Canyon. You could tell by how the guy who would help us to our room said, "Uh, yeah, it's on the third floor, down the hall and on the left. There's no elevator." Also, by the beds which resemble the back of a Volkswagen in terms of comfort.

That's a biggun'. After having dinner, we went to tiny bed early so we could get up and watch the sunrise over the Canyon and then to head off for Sedona.

Tune in tomorrow for Day Five of Days of our Vacation...

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Three)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly and I learned that black jack is worse than heroin and costs less (as long as you don't take into account the feelings of the people who care about you). Furthermore, I love king crab legs.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

This is the Builders Show equivalent of the bathing suit girl at a boat show. I guess they were going for a Heidi on Tool Time vibe. There were about 20 of these sexy girls spread throughout the show. On a side note, I felt weird trying to take this picture, hence the blurriness and overall creepiness. Also, that's my wife's boss' shoulder on the right.

Black Jack called again and Loly and I ignored it but then it called our cell phones and we ignored those too. Then, Black Jack was knocking at our hotel door saying it could hear us and we were sooo busted. So we answered the door and lost more money.

We went to dinner while we still had money and, might I say, the Famous Amos cookies and Wrigley's Spearmint five pack were quite filling. Bravo to the Wynn for having affordable vending machines in this economy.

After dinner, we threw the rest of our money at the first casino employee we saw and went to bed to get ready for our next day's drive to the Grand Canyon. Le Canyon Grande.

Tune in tomorrow for Day Four of Days of our Vacation.

NoBuddies - Doing Enough (Episode 2)

This is the last of the longer ones! Shorties from this point on! Thanks for watching!

We learn Cal and Gray's ritual for getting ready to perform Bill needs everyone's taxes to get done. Girl shares a little secret about her childhood.

Bill - William Franke
Girl - Sue White
Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rokamic (ccMixter)
              "Montage" by Kevin MacLeod

Monday, February 2, 2009

My Top Five Super Bowl Ads

Before I catch up on daily vacation blogs, I thought I would throw in my favorite ads from the Super Bowl. It seems like every year the selections get worse. I hate saying that because I feel like I come off as a stuck up comedy snob but the ads were rough this year.

I will be ranking the funniest so this eliminates the awesome movie ads (G.I. Joe!, Transformers 2, Monsters vs. Aliens, Up, Land of the Lost!) and the nice ads (Usama Young).

Honorable Mention: A special shout out goes to the guys at Front Page Films who were a finalist in the Doritos Crash the Super Bowl contest. The following ad aired during pregame but should have aired during the Super Bowl. Still, awesome job to them.

So, here we go:

5. Pepsuber

Pepsuber comes in at number 5 only because it first aired during SNL the previous day. I love MacGruber and throwing in the real MacGuyver only makes it better. It should go higher but it gets penalized for airing pre-Super Bowl.

4. Doritos: Crystal Ball

I still think Front Page Films should have won but this one was really funny. Some of the other ads were funny but crystal ball in the groin had crystal ball in the groin.

3. Cash 4 Gold

At first, this made me uncomfortable like when Dick Clark does New Year's Eve but it turned out to not be serious and maybe that's why I enjoyed it. The guy drinks gold. That can't be good for you. Right? Right?

2. Bud Light: Conan

Is anything with Conan good? Yes! Still, this was well done. With his tie-in to looking like the current female Prime Minister, Sweden was the way to go. It all worked and he's amazing.

1. Monster: Need a new job?

It was so simple and it made me laugh. Sometimes that's all it takes. Well done, Monster! I mean, the butt's by his face. Seriously, it's right there.

Final thoughts on other commercials:

E*Trade - The talking baby has to stop. The dialogue is actually funny but the baby is too annoying to let it be.

Cheetos - New, non-cartoon Chester is the creepiest thing ever. I can't sleep at night. He looks like George Burns and Pauly Walnuts got it on.

Firestone - It's nice that you used Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head but you brought nothing new comedically to them. Did these people never watch Toy Story 1 or 2?

Budweiser - I was thankful the Clydesdales weren't playing football this year but I can't take the anthropomorphism. Horses should do horse things like poop in the street or finish fourth after LEADING THE RACE FOR THE WHOLE TIME UNTIL THE LAST FURLONG, YOU STUPID-