Monday, November 2, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/2/09

I've been behind on the blog. I'm working on something pretty big right now but I promise to return with more than one a week. November is going to be a good month. As always, here are last week's rejected jokes from the iPhone app.

Salma Hayek told Parade magazine that she was too embarrassed by her body to accept a "Best Body" award from Fitness Magazine. After the interview, she went out and purchased 20 more low-cut dresses.

The Yankees will play the Phillies in the World Series starting Wednesday. In related news, every Mets fan looks up to the sky and yells, "Really?" before killing themselves.

Ratings for MTV's "The Hills" are down drastically this season. The network has a list of possible reasons but none of them involve the public coming to their senses. That could never happen.

Keira Knightley will star in a remake of "My Fair Lady." The producers knew Knightley was capable of doing the horrid, original Eliza voice when they watched her in any movie she's ever been in.

Jim Corzine is under criticism for an ad where Corzine accuses his opponent, Chris Christie, of "throwing his weight around." Political observers think this is an attack on Christie's weight but Corzine insists he is just "stating the fats."

In a recent episode, Kate Gosselin said that she would like to lend her voice to a character in an animated movie for her kids. The kids liked the idea but would much rather her lend her voice to their lives.

Hulu is going to start charging people to watch TV shows and movies in 2010. In more forecasting news - In 2011, Hulu is going to go out of business.

George W. Bush began his new career as a motivational speaker at a business seminar in Fort Worth, Texas. Bush did such a great job imparting his knowledge that all attendees left and ran whatever they were responsible for into the ground.

The lawyer for the Philadelphia woman who offered sex for World Series tickets is saying his client was suffering from "Phillies Fever." This is far more serious than her 2004 case of Herp-eagles.

David Spade is defending his controversial Direct TV commercial featuring the late Chris Farley by saying Farley would have been "stoked." That seems appropriate considering Spade through his legacy into the fire.

Sarah Palin has gone on record calling Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot as "desperate." That's like the worst, bargain-basement, horrible, cheap, ridiculous, terrible pot calling the attention-starved, awful, sell-out, trashy kettle - I forgot what I was saying.

A bullet was fired at and hit the New Jersey home of CNN's Lou Dobbs. It was the first time Dobbs was involved in anything that could be considered "on target."

Mark Wahlberg and his wife, Rhea Durham, are expecting their fourth child. So he's taking the slow path to putting together another Funky Bunch.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That must be why she keeps her political abilities in a safe.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That's why she's glad she has a skull with skin and hair over it.

A ballet teacher at Point Park University is denying he posted a "fat list," consisting of the names of dance students who he wanted to lose weight. In response, the teacher said, "That's not something this university encourages. I would never do that. I don't want to end up on the Terrible Teacher List."

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