Tor's News Nuggets: 3/2/10

Information has come in stating that OSHA issued a report to Sea World warning that a captive whale would kill a trainer. Before that report, the only warning we had was the adjective describing the type of whale.

(NERD JOKE) In this week's issue of "Spider-Man," Peter Parker will be affected by the economy when he loses his job as a photographer. Parker will learn that photographers, like Green Goblins, are a dime a dozen.

At an event in London, Lady Gaga told reporters that she is single and celibate. Lady Gaga is looking for a man who is evolved, not as in socially mature but as in having a next-generation sex organ that can mate with her.

According to People magazine, Bill Clinton offered his support to Tiger Woods via telephone. I just have one question: Why does the universe continue to throw softballs to Jay Leno?

Chad Ochocinco has been announced as one of the dancers on this season's Dancing with the Stars. Producers think this is a step in the right direction for the show as Ochocinco is actually a star.

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/10/10

The World Wildlife Fund has announced that the number of tigers in the world has dwindled to 3200. Well, at least we know the sex rehab is working.

Over four feet of snow has landed in Washington, D.C. this month. So now can everyone agree that it's the whitest city in the country?

The house that the cast of "Jersey Shore" was filmed in is available for rent. The owner promises a genuine shore experience as the house is filled with crabs.

In an interview with Playboy magazine, John Mayer refers to Jessica Simpson as "sexual napalm." Upon reading this, Robert Duvall left his wife.

Jennifer Garner told David Letterman that she once brought a dolphin to orgasm. So that's why Ben Affleck asked his plastic surgeon to make his nose more "bottle-y."

Anne Hathaway says she quit Catholicism after her brother announced he was gay. Food for thought - Maybe Catholicism quit her by giving her a gay brother.

A study by the International Journal of Epidemiology says that being bored can lead to an early death. When asked about the study, the most bored man in the world said, "Yeah, but it'll still take like forever to get there."

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/26/09

These are last week's rejections from iLarious (a fantastic iPhone app you should own).

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. No worries. The resilient museum has relabeled it "Authentic Lilliputian Rope Used To Restrain Gulliver."

A Cleveland museum has found out that a lock of hair long thought to belong to Amelia Earhart is really just a piece of thread. The museum is now concerned about the validity of the main hall's Electra plane with Earhart's skeleton in it.

Megan Fox said that, even though she is bisexual, the kissing scenes for "Jennifer's Body" gave her trouble. She also said that she loves getting her T-shirt wet but she's having trouble with this nearby hose and then pouted invitingly.

The Octomom, Nadya Suleman, told Radar Online that she thinks Jon Gosselin is "hot." Tune in next week for a special episode of "Awful and Way Too Fertile Wife Swap."

Halloween stores everywhere are reporting that Kate Gosselin wigs are selling out. Halloween 2009 - "The Worst Night of Jon's Life."

A recent report says that Bernie Madoff is eating prison pizza that was made by a child molester. Madoff likes the pizza but he doesn't like that he has to receive it while wearing a sailor suit and holding a lolly.

A high school in Chicago has 115 students that are pregnant or already have kids. Interestingly enough, the school has 115 less male students than it did before.

MSNBC's Contessa Brewer accidentally introduced Jesse Jackson as Al Sharpton. She apologized and said that some of her best friends are reverends.

The Sesame Street theme song was played during the interrogation and torture of Gitmo detainees. It always preceded the lesson of "One of these testicles will not be like the other."

A 19-year-old became the youngest ever winner of the Monopoly World Championships. Unfortunately, he was 12 when the match started.

Ashlee Simpson has been axed from the show, Melrose Place. "That's a decent start," said everyone on the planet.

On his radio show, Howard Stern furiously called out Jay Leno for allegedly stealing sketch ideas and using them on his talk shows. "I would never steal from him," said Leno who took a break from filming a new bit about a superhero that passes gas.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/21/09

More from the iLarious rejection vault:

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. Guess she walked away from those shoes she said she would die without.

For the first time, a woman has won the Nobel Prize for Economics. She further impressed people by taking the award and driving home competently.

*Blogger's Note - We at Tor's Take do not condone the previous two jokes. We just post what our sexist boss tells us to. Back to the jokes.

Robert Pattinson, the hunky star of the "Twilight" movies, told People magazine that he has trouble finding a date. He went on to say that only you are the one for him, 8th grader Dana Becker from Topeka, Kansas. You can talk to him at the following 900 number.

On this date in 1773, Charles Messier discovered the Whirlpool Galaxy. Apparently, he was the first Frenchman to ever enter a Sears.

Zach Braff has come forward to dispel an internet rumor that he committed suicide by swallowing pills. Braff said, "There are better ways to commit suicide," looked off into nothingness for two minutes, and then giggled nervously.

According to a judge's decision, Jon Gosselin has been ordered to pay Kate $180,000 or essentially what he spends every week at the Ed Hardy store.

Arnold Schwarzenegger signed a new bill into law on Sunday that will fine paparazzi for taking pictures that invade a celebrity's privacy. Some people think the bill was drawn up to protect celebrities but it was actually to hear Schwarzenegger say "paparazzi" over and over.

A 1638 lb pumpkin from Iowa won the 36th World Championship Pumpkin Weigh-Off. Somewhere, Linus is punching Charlie Brown in the nards.

Singer Leona Lewis was punched at a signing for her new book, "Dreams." The attacker wanted to prove that she doesn't actually bleed love.

(From the 16th) Today is National Boss Day or the Worst Day To Be A Female Letterman Intern.

After believing a little kid's story and causing a media frenzy, some people are questioning the intelligence of the authorities that handled the situation with Falcon Heene, the "Balloon Boy." "We have it all under control," said the local sheriff as he Mirandized the attic.

The FDA is warning people not to buy Swine Flu drugs online. They say to definitely avoid Swine Flu drugs that also promise a clean colon and six more inches on your penis.

Kara DioGuardi, host of American Idol, says she suffers from sleep eating where she unconsciously raids the kitchen for food in the middle of the night. Personally, I'm more bothered by her other problem - wake talking.

Sarah Palin has joined and put her resume on the social networking site, LinkedIn. Under "Hobbies," it says "Hunting, Traveling, and Destroying John McCain's career."

Randy Quaid and his wife will be arraigned today on felony charges resulting from skipping out on a $10000 hotel bill. This could have all been avoided if they stayed with the Griswolds.

This week is officially Teen Read Week where teens are encouraged to ditch the TVs and video games and read a book. In related news, next week is Atomic Wedgies For Participants of Teen Read Week Week.

Beyonce has postponed shows in Malaysia because of accusations by Islamic conservatives saying the show would be immoral. Most people think the immorality is because of Beyonce's dancing and scant clothing but really it's the idea of giving single ladies a voice.

An 83-year-old man in Texas opened fire on his son when the son would not stop drumming. "Look, I said I didn't want to work," replied the hospitalized Todd Rundgren.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/14/09

More unused jokes from the iLarious. Some of them are justified in not being used.

Somali pirates attacked what they believed to be a cargo ship but realized too late that it was a French Naval vessel. In all fairness, only the people on the French ship knew there was even such a thing as a "French Naval vessel."

A recent poll by Marist University has named "whatever" the most annoying word used in conversation. The worst offenders of the conversational gaffe are treating the poll with indifference.

NASA is planning to crash two rockets into the moon to try to find water. If this doesn't work, NASA will go with their Plan B: a 6 billion dollar y-shaped stick.

Christie Brinkley and ex-husband Peter Cook are going through a tough divorce. The problem is that Cook wants to take away what matters most to Brinkley, the Uptown.

A professional racetrack in Australia is limiting fans to 24 cans of beer each to cut down on crime. Don't worry. They're also limiting the amount of distance fans can drive home.

Due to the economy, Harvard professors will no longer get free cookies during faculty meetings. No word on the status of recess or nap time yet.

Daily Beast named Raleigh-Durham the smartest metropolitan area with Fresno coming in last. When reached by phone, the mayor of Fresno screamed, "WHERE THE HELL IS THAT VOICE COMING FROM??!?!" before running into the wall and knocking herself out.

Andrew Lloyd Webber announced that he is working on a sequel to "Phantom of the Opera" that will take place in Coney Island. In the new work, the female lead will be a fry girl that wants to one day work the register at Nathan's, the phantom will be hard to pick out among all of the disfigured ride operators, and the climactic scene will involve the Cyclone crashing down.

Kate Gosselin baked a special cake for her twins' birthday but Jon tried to foil the plans by picking up a cake from a bakery. When these kinds of public divorces happen, we tend to not realize what's most important - these kids got TWO birthday cakes!

Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize for essentially trying really hard to achieve global peace. In other news, Nicolas Cage is named Actor of the Decade.

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - South Carolina governor

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - TV father of 8

According to CNN Money, a system engineer has the best job in America. Worst job in America - Rim

Paris Hilton, playing "Paris Hilton possessed by a demon," was beheaded on last night's "Supernatural" because a demon can't function in a body without a brain. Viewers were upset because the writer's failed to explain how the demon functioned before the beheading.

Tor's News Nuggets: 10/9/09

I've been writing jokes this week for iLarious, a new iPhone app, featuring all sorts of comedy. Here are the jokes that probably didn't go in this week:*

"Whip It" was destroyed at the box office by "Zombieland," proving once and for all that America prefers their women aimless and brainless.

A-Rod had another great season, keeping him in the company of Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, and Jimmie Foxx. Now it's the postseason and time to focus on staying in the company of Rafael Santana, Tommy Gregg, and Cesar Cedeno.

Conan Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. It's not the dogs fault. Everyone knows that sheriff's deputies have the tastiest meat.

Letterman Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. You know, it's cruel to think a dog can resist the smell of bacon.

Leno Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. The dogs' handler is baffled but some point the finger at the sheriff's deputy cologne - Musk of OJ.

America's Funniest Home Videos will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Viewers can look forward to finding out "Where are those smacked crotches now?"

Justice Sotomayor started her first day as a Supreme Court Justice by speaking into a turned-off microphone. Unfortunately, the hazing stopped early when Justice Scalia was hit in the head by the top of Sotomayor's partially unscrewed gavel.

The adult entertainment industry is reporting that, they too, have been affected by the recession. From now on, every cup will only be assigned one girl.

Monty Python turned 40. Hard to believe it was 40 years ago that British comedy started really confusing Americans.

David Letterman apologized to his wife and female staff members during the opening of his show Monday night. This could have all been avoided if he just kept it in his worldwide pants.

Attendees of the Big E fair in Massachusetts got to eat the "Craz-E Burger," which is a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. Most people got it with a side of tombstone.

Barack Obama refused to meet with the Dalai Lama in order to keep China happy. Furthermore, he has also stopped acknowledging the existence of Sasha.

Barack Obama addressed health care reform concerns in front of doctors representing each of the 50 states. Obama only got to talk to the doctors for two minutes as he spent most of the time filling out forms and signing waivers.

Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his former team, the Green Bay Packers, last night on Monday Night Football. The Vikings won because they used Favre's patented double-crossing routes.

Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi survived a very minor plane crash on Friday. Wow, we were so close to Don McLean writing a song about "The Day Irrelevance Died."

American Girl has released a new doll named Gwen who is homeless. The doll comes with an outfit, a pillow, and the ability to trade your daughter's love for booze.

One of the Backstreet Boys has contracted the swine flu forcing the band to cancel their promotional tour. Maybe we're being too hasty with those vaccines.

Elizabeth Taylor is telling fans details of her heart procedure from her hospital bed via Twitter. The procedure is serious and it is probably not wise for Taylor to tweet this lightly.

Mel Gibson's drunken driving conviction has been expunged after a court ruling. Now he can go back to just being a racist and a sexist.

*I don't have an iPhone so I don't know.

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/2/09

Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Weird, that's the same amount of time it will take me to understand what a Ponzi scheme is.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is refusing to step down from office in spite of his unprofessional behavior. In fact, he is going to hold his breath until everyone agrees.

Mississippi was voted the fattest state in the country for the fifth straight year. To celebrate, the governor's taking everyone out for ice cream.

Pat Boone, the singer from the 50s and 60s turned conservative political activist, is convinced that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and states Americans deserve to see Obama's birth certificate. I think Americans would rather see Pat Boone's death certificate.

It has been announced that Kevin Jonas is engaged prompting every middle school guy to reply, "To a dude, right? I knew it," which prompted every middle school girl to say, "Shut up! Ok, don't panic. There's still 2. The odds are worse, sure, but I can do it," which prompted every middle school math teacher to go, "She said odds? Really? And she knew they were worse? It's moments like these that make it all worth it."

A new study shows that having sex daily leads to healthier sperm. The study was paid for by every married man in the world.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/15/09

A 14-year-old boy in Germany was struck in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite. Michael Bay has already purchased the rights to the story and is expected to begin shooting in November on "Handageddon."

An umpire in Iowa ejected the entire crowd at a high school baseball game. Then, with the guarantee of no one watching, he proceeded to get down on his knees and blow the game.

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 15th title last night on the shoulders of Kobe Bryant. It's a good thing they relied on his shoulders because other parts of him were probably too busy raping.

A student in upstate New York was charged with unauthorized use of a computer when he created a software program that stopped teachers from being allowed to input grades. I don't have a joke. That's just awesome.

Alright, I have a joke:

A student in upstate New York was charged with unauthorized use of a computer when he created a software program that stopped teachers from being allowed to input grades. The computer program was:

• 10 PRINT "SUCK IT, TEACHERS!!!"
• 20 GOTO 10
• 30 RUN

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/11/09

A new element will be added to the Periodic Table making me glad I got out of high school when I did. Good luck memorizing 112 elements, suckers. The new element's name is Ununbium. I would have gone with just Bium but you know scientists. Those nerds like their element names like the tongue on the hot alien girl from "Species."

Real Madrid has spent 131 million dollars to acquire Ronaldo from Manchester United. To put that into terms you can understand, that's almost 50 cents per US citizen that could care less about this story.

Venezuela has banned Coca Cola products from being allowed in the country citing health concerns. This does nothing to change my belief that Venezuelans are made out of Pop Rocks.

Scientists have found that going to work sick does more harm than good. The research for the project was funded by every employee in the world.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/10/09

Scientists believe that Earth and Venus may smash into each other in 3.5 billion years. Don't worry, the chances of it happening are 1-in-2500 so no need to panic. If it does happen, I bet it's Venus' fault. If women can't drive cars, how can they possibly drive a planet?

Carrie Prejean was fired from her post as Miss California. Times have really changed. Used to be that being beautiful, shallow, and ignorant could get you everything you wanted in California. I'm just sorry Elizabeth Cady Stanton couldn't be here to tweet about this.

The Steelers got their new Super Bowl Championship rings and they weigh in at just under a quarter of a pound with 63 diamonds. That's one diamond for each person in Pittsburgh that still has a job. Just the Steelers' little way of raising awareness in these tough economic times.

An Israeli woman threw out a mattress containing 1 million dollars. I don't blame her. Have you ever slept on a mattress filled with a million dollars? Let's just say you don't wake up in the morning feeling like the contents of your bed.

Russian authorities are going to use Brad Pitt to combat speeding on the country's highways. Cardboard cutouts of Mr. Pitt dressed as a traffic cop are being placed at the most dangerous intersections. Keeping with the theme, violators can face a maximum of Seven Years in Tibet.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/10/90

I accidentally typed "90" instead of "09" so let's go for it. Hop in your Miata and accompany me back to June 10, 1990.

Burger King begins using Newman's Own Salad Dressing with their salads. They will also be changing their slogan to "Have It Paul's Way."

Rap Group 2 Live Crew was arrested in Florida for obscenity when it was deemed the content of their album was so inappropriate that it was against the law. The group is expected to put in a plea of "Me so not guilty."

Bulgaria's former Communist Party won the country's first free elections in more than four decades. Some people question this voting choice but I think it's better than the second place finisher, "I just want the country to have a good time."

Tara Lipinsky turns 8. The little girl has Olympic Dreams stating that her goal is to win a gold medal and then disappear into obscurity shortly thereafter. 

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/3/09

Authorities ordered the removal of 18000 cases of Red Bull in Hong Kong after it was discovered that there were traces of cocaine in the cans. Drinkers reported that the beverage gave them wings and the wings flapped "like so much faster than usual." No word yet on what ingredient is causing the wing hallucinations.

A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. today. The statue is in honor of all the major contributions Reagan made to the American people and is also one last F You to Bonzo.

A Brooklyn man is going to be the first to get married in zero gravity when he and his fiance exchange vows at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Once officially married, the groom will come crashing to the ground because you can't float with a ball and chain. Am I right? Am I?

The Obama family dog, Bo, was caught on film biting a reporter's microphone wire. Because of Bo's ingenious method of keeping the media from badgering the President, the dog will take over as White House Press Secretary.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. He will be remembered as the first person to put a shrimp on a barbie. 

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. That's Australian for old.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. The last two jokes will make him roll in his grave but in the opposite direction that he would roll if he were in the USA.

Tor's News Nuggets: 5/18/09

7-11 is selling an Apocalyptic Slurpee. This is in honor of the new Terminator movie starring Christian Bale. I feel like there was already an Acopalyptic Slurpee. Maybe I'm just remembering that the last time I finished a Slurpee, I got so ill I wanted the world to end.

The Hubble Telescope was believed to be on its last legs but 1 billion dollars in repairs may have bought it 5 to 10 more years in space. You would think for 1 billion dollars, it would live forever. They should have used Magic Johnson's guy. He can fix anything.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. You know, just because she's eligible for the Early Bird doesn't mean she has to partake in the worm.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. At least when her water breaks, the splash will be minimal. (Because her vagina is by her knees.  I am so sorry.)

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. When her kid's friends call her a MILF, it will stand for Mom I'd Like to Feed the ducks with.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. I saved the biggest joke for last: the kid's childhood.

Tor's News Nuggets: 4/14/09

The Obamas welcomed a new dog into the White House. It is a Portuguese water dog and it goes by the name of Bo. The canine choice angered a lot of people including many animal rescue organizations but no one was more outraged than Tom Wopat who was sure he was the President's favorite Duke.

Parishioners at a church in Sweden unveiled a statue of Jesus they built that was made completely out of Legos on Easter Sunday. Some people think the statue is distasteful but I think the statue is fine. My problem is that instead of a "Please don't touch the statue" sign, they went with "Lego my Jesus."

According to crash tests, smaller cars like the Honda Fit and the Toyota Yaris do not perform as well as larger cars in severe crashes. Still waiting to find out the results of their other ridiculously obvious crash tests. I have a good feeling about eggs.

A 5-year-old rode the subway alone for 34 stops this morning in New York City. He tried to get help finding his mom but made the mistake of starting his plea with "Excuse me, if I could just have a minute of your time." He is currently being treated for bruises from dismissive coin tosses.

Tor's News Nuggets: 3/4/09

Bill Gates doesn't allow his wife or kids to own iPods or iPhones because they are made by competitors. This is pretty selfish but not as bad as when Sam Breakstone refused to let his family eat anything but sour cream and cream cheese. The Breakstones lasted seventeen days.

A man in the Netherlands has set up an answering machine for God. When you call, the machine picks up and says, "Hi, this is God. I'm not in right now. Yes, I understand that spits in the face of the whole omnipresent thing. Can't you just give a deity a break? I get so tired of having to (BEEP)"

At Liverpool Hope University, you can now earn a degree in The Beatles. This is a huge first step towards making my PhD in Veruca Salt a reality. My dissertation will be on the lasting effects of those who fought the seether.

A CNN article pondered the idea of using "green" bullets while hunting because they don't contain lead and are more environmentally friendly. Though I think if you ask any member of the wild game community, they would prefer "no" bullets. Too bad they can't speak.

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/17/09

Scientists have narrowed the location of Osama bin Laden to one of three places. The good news is that one of those places is Earth so at least we haven't been wasting our time.

ARod claims that in high school he could bench 310 pounds but now, he can probably only get up 240. So that goes to show you that steroids make you weaker. In fact, he was just trying to play at the same lesser level as everyone else. He was tired of being the best. The guy cares.

ARod also says that he got the pills over the counter in the Dominican Republic so he didn't think it was bad. You know what else you can buy over the counter in the Dominican Republic? Cocaine. Rocket launchers. Babies.

Jay-Z has come out in support of Rihanna in the wake of the Chris Brown situation. Not sure if this support will cut into his other uninspired backings such as his hatred of cancer or his love of clean air but we'll see. He's only one man.

Tor's News Nuggets: 2/16/09

C-SPAN ranked the U.S. Presidents from best to worst with Abraham Lincoln in the top spot for the second straight set of rankings. Finishing last for the second straight time as well...James Buchanan. You know, you split a country into two warring parts and nobody ever forgives you. I do find it interesting that the two worst Presidents, Buchanan and Andrew Johnson, bookended Lincoln in history. So you can't open for or follow Lincoln. He's like the Goo Goo Dolls of U.S. leaders.

A toy vendor is manufacturing a Bernie Madoff action figure that wears a devil-red suit and carries a pitchfork. The doll also comes with a hammer so you can smash it. For $99.95, you will get most of the doll in the first shipment. You are then encouraged to return the part of the doll that you got and for an additional $49.95, you will get more of the doll than you previously received. After that, you have the option of returning that doll portion and sending $29.95 in order to be entered into a sweepstakes where you can get two whole dolls or half of the doll that you just sent back. It's a gamble but think about having two dolls!

That's a picture of Java, the new leopard cub belonging to Siegfried and Roy. He's already mauling at a full size level. Siegfried and Roy are delusionally and mind-bogglingly excited.

A mysterious fireball streaked across the sky in Texas yesterday morning. Police checked the area where it could have landed but found nothing out of the ordinary at Jonathan and Martha Kent's farm. Don't worry, Superman. Your secret's safe with me. No one reads this thing. I'd like to add that it's about time. Head's up though: people think you are gay and smell Batman's ass.

Michael Phelps will not be criminally charged for the picture of him with a bong because there was not enough evidence to prosecute. So if you are keeping track at home, a picture is enough to win a gold medal...

But not enough to press charges...

Something tells me he hit the bong harder than he hit the wall. Bong!

Tor's News Nuggets: 1/13/09

Vicks VapoRub can harm children under the age of 2. It can cause respiratory distress when applied under the nose. Also a problem is if you apply it simultaneously to the nose using a pinching technique on the nostrils and to the lips using a cupping technique over the mouth.

Scientists at Cambridge University have determined that financial traders whose ring finger is longer than their index finger make more money than those with the other digital configuration. In response, the latter group went to Cambridge and showed them their longest finger.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt "dissed" Ryan Seacrest on the Golden Globes red carpet by not stopping for an interview. Seacrest responded to this by running upstairs to his room, slamming the door behind him, diving onto his bed, and crying into his pillow.

LeBron James made the cover of GQ for the first time. With that cover, James has now appeared on every magazine cover except There Are Other Cavaliers, You Know? Quarterly.