Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Ben And Jerry's Is The Breast! (I Totally Went There.)

PETA asked Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk to make their ice cream instead of the traditionally tasty cow milk. Few things could get me out of my current lifestyle of sitting on the couch and watching TV waiting for Comedy Central to call me* but this is one of them. You see, women only produce milk when they are pregnant (unless something's severely wrong and then they should see a doctor) and a man would be needed to do the impregnating. I can do this job. My wife would be fine with it because she loves ice cream and I'd probably get an awesome employee discount. Also, it's always been a dream of mine to be a stud. Almost nothing about my appearance screams "stud" but if it's my title, people would be forced to acknowledge it. Do you hear that, High School? I'm a stud! In your it's-been-so-long-I-should-let-it-go faces! 

My days would have lots of lady sexing. So much of it. My diet would consist entirely of water, pumpkin seeds, and penicillin. I would always wear kilts and be like Arnold Schwarzeneggar in a 1985 movie underneath them. In between woman fertilizing, I would sleep, get massages, and watch reruns of "The Other Half." It would be the life. 

I wonder what happens to the babies once they start popping out. Aah, that's Ben and Jerry's problem.

*It would definitely be a wrong number but I would charm them as evidenced by this script:


Comedy Central
This is Comedy Central. Is Mike Birbiglia** there?

No, but this is your lucky day because, compared to me, he'd look like Mike Bir-small-lia.

Comedy Central
That's pretty funny. Who are you?

The name's Kevin Tor and I'm the future of your network.

** I also would be ready for Brian Regan, John Mulaney, and Tom Papa.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Sarah Palin on 23/6

My friends, Sara Benincasa and Diana Saez, have been making these awesome videos depicting VP candidate Sarah Palin if she had a vlog on youtube. Well, since you can't keep good things down (I think I'll start doing some good things for just that reason), they have been picked up by the Huffington Post to make the videos for their amazing site. I can't be prouder of the two of them. I've tried. Check out the first video below.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Yo Quiero Peliculas Mejores

Beverly Hill Chihuahua. Chi-Hua-Hua! How does this still happen? People still want to see creepy talking animals? Really? They all sound like Carlos Mencia, only funny. (Ba Dum Chhhh) You know who rocked the world and never said freaking word? Spuds MacKenzie. He was just a dog that liked to crash parties, peddle some Bud Light, and putter around in his submarine. All the girls wanted him. F'n stud dog.

Spuds would have kicked the crap out of every one of these talking chihuahuas and then surfed home, sharing the front of the board with a six-pack of Bud Lite. But no. The makers of this movie were smart. They bided their time and sat on this idea until Spuds was dead. And then they waited another fifteen years just to be certain he wasn't coming back. (The longest recorded dog haunting lasted twelve years in Nepal.) 

It's not that I hope every person who sees this movie gets ball cancer because I do. (I think ovaries can be considered "lady balls" so save your comments.) It's just that I have dogs and if they ever spoke to each other, it would consist of "That's my Milkbone" or "Stop rimming my ass, that's gross." They would certainly not be rapping with a choreographed dance sequence. Everyone involved in this movie should have their faces rubbed into the movie screen while the film is playing being told, "No! No! No! Bad!" (Is anyone else singing Lisa Loeb now?)

This movie's going to earn more than Wall-E, isn't it?

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Sweet Kicks

Holy Moses, these are the coolest sneakers I've ever seen. These are cooler than my Christmas Chuck Taylors that I rocked in high school with the jingle bell hanging off the back.

If you'll note the dice laces. That's all. Just note them. Dice laces! I want these and, truth be told, I'm more of a Boggle man. But really, can you picture Boggle sneakers? How stupid would that be?

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Medium Large

My friend, Francesco Marciuliano, writes a very funny comic strip entitled Medium Large. Today's entry was particularly hilarious. I hope you'll go check it out. It's worth your time.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Facebook Is Better Than Porn

According to this story, Facebook and other social networking sites have passed pornography in terms of internet popularity. Does anyone else feel bad for porn? How can friendship and communication be more fun than two midgets dressed as beefeaters licking whipped cream off a zebra taint on a cool, autumn night? What's wrong with virtual society?

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Auction Was A Success

Chris Sifflet, whose last blog entry is fabulous, is a great friend. Last night, he had the debut of his show Auction! at Ochi's Lounge. I think it was a rousing success. The boy can host the poo out of a show. This show is going to last for decades.* I hope you all will come out to the next one. Bring quarters. It's time to start neglecting your laundry, people. There's good stuff to be had. Great job again, Chris.

On a personal note, my auction item sold for four dollars to the lovely Eliza Faria-Santos. I believe this officially marks the first money I've made doing comedy. If these trends continue, I should be able to fill up my car by the time I'm forty. Do you hear that, wife? I contribute.

* I'm not known for my prognostication skills.

Get Off The Field, Nine Year Old!

Jericho Scott is not allowed to play baseball. He throws the ball too hard. In fact, the last team he was scheduled to face forfeited before taking the field. Then, the league disbanded his team and offered the players refunds or positions on other squads. The boy throws the ball well. It's not like he has SARS. And, if he does have SARS, I'm going to give it to my kid so he can throw a baseball really hard, too. So what if our pediatrician tells us there's no medical precedent linking the respiratory disease to pitching prowess? As a parent, you have to take chances in the name of your child's future. While I'm at it, give my son the bird flu, as well. Maybe that will help him kick fifty-yard field goals. I know what you're thinking: It's a little ridiculous to infect your child in the name of improving his sports abilities. Well, you might be right but then again we also stopped a kid from playing his favorite sport because he was too good at it.

Avril Vs. Malaysia

Doesn't Malaysia mean "bad Asia?" Well, if it doesn't, it does to Avril Lavigne. Malaysia canceled her upcoming concert because it was deemed "too sexy." Frankly, I don't think this has anything to do with the famous Canadian art of seduction born into her and every other female native of that fine country. Nope. I have it on good authority that Malaysia and Lavigne go way back. In fact, Malaysia and Lavigne had an intimate relationship in the year 2000 that ended in heartbreak when Lavigne caught Malaysia in bed with Mandy Moore. Additionally, it is believed that the song "Complicated" was written about the troubles that grew between Malaysia and Lavigne. You could say that Malaysia is the Coulier to Avril's Alanis. Tell it like it is, Malaysia. "Too sexy?" Please. It's just payback for being the focus of a hit song full of teen angst. Avril, you don't need Malaysia. It doesn't fit into your happy ending. Whoooa oh. Whoa oh.