Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day Two)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation, Loly played Black Jack with a ghost and there is far less daytime porn than there used to be.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

Loly does her presentation on responsible green building practices and it tears the roof off of what can only be described as a heezy, albeit an economically responsible heezy. She rocks it. It's like a Motley Crue concert except they can only play stuff from 1997 on.

The Black Jack table was not kind to us today. It gave us a financial atomic wedgie. Also, the dealer gave us each an actual atomic wedgie which I am not sure was appropriate. I'm just glad the band on my boxers ripped. Loly was not so lucky.

The Bellagio buffet is amazing. I cannot recommend it enough. Before I jumped into my heaping plate of king crab legs, I took a moment to thank the Discovery Channel for showing that commercial for that show where guys die to feed me and everyone else in Vegas that night.

Video poker is no better than black jack. It eats away at your money like the ocean eats away the beach only so much faster which I guess is good for the beach. I'm beginning to think there is no way to win in the casinos.

Tune in tomorrow for Day 3 of Days Of Our Vacation. 

Monday, January 26, 2009

Days Of Our Vacation (Day One)

Previously on Days Of Our Vacation: Loly and I went to Antigua. Sandals invited us to reggae dance for fun and we cynically declined. The pull of a fake dreadlocked knit hat upon victory was not enough for us, no matter how much irony it would have been worn with.

And now...Days Of Our Vacation:

We wake up at 4:25 to head to the airport for our 7:20 flight. We get in the car that's taking us at 5:10 and are checked in, through security, and sitting at the gate at 5:45. I crap you not. You might be wondering, do you live next to the airport? No, we don't. Why does this happen? If we slept a little more, we would have missed the plane. But I guess that's just McMurphy's Razor or The Golden Rule or one of those.

We board the plane and the pilot starts speaking. He's thrilled to be a pilot! Is he wishing for geese because he also wants his 15 minutes? Frighteningly, I think so. If this guy ever fails as a pilot, he could be on the Morning Zoo. An example of the hi-jinks he was loudspeaking: "We'll be landing in Lost Wages in about four hours and forty minutes." You see he said "Lost Wages" instead of "Las Vegas." We all had quite a chuckle. Thankfully, he didn't fail as a pilot (we landed safely) and the wacky talking stopped (pushed complementary peanuts into my ears until no more would go in).

We make it about three hours before we go to the casino. Unlike previous casino visits, we go with a plan. Unfortunately, the plan was poorly executed. They wouldn't even comp us a desperately needed bottle of Pepto when we left the table.

We took a walk on the strip and it was so clean. I know it was early (4ish) but the streets were immaculate. The last time I came to Vegas, I hurt myself on day one and had to get crutches. I remember vividly the bottom of my crutches slipping on various porn flyers. The strip was a treacherous pathchwork blanket of two-dimensional smut. Not this time though. Clean.

The casino calls again before dinner. Loly decides to try her luck at Black Jack or, as the pilot would say, "Hi Jack." ("Lost Wages" was better.) The dealer and the other man at the table are very friendly. They teach her how to play and suggest things that she should do. The man has a card that lists the statistically correct move based on what the dealer has. Loly wins. And wins. And wins. By the time we leave for dinner, Loly has almost doubled her money. The man tells her it was a tremendous run and gives her the card. When she returns to the table after dinner, she asks the dealer what time the man left and the dealer replies, "What man?" She tries to refresh his memory and he tells her that she was the only person at the table. Turns out the man who gave her the card died thirty years ago in a casino fire. True story.

Tune in tomorrow for Day Two.

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Hey There, Runescape Delilah

Santadot, a user on YouTube, took my Hey There Delilah parody and made a music video in Runescape. Runescape, according to Wikipedia, is a fantasy online role-playing game. I'm not sure if I needed the adjective "fantasy" but I'm leaving it. The sad part is that Delilah can't even catch a break in a fantasy world. Poor thing.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bien-Gordito A Miami

Miami was voted the fattest city in the country by someone I don't feel like looking up. In accordance with the rules of dealing with fat things I will now rattle off a few "Your city's so fat" jokes.

Your city's so fat...
  • an earthquake hit it and bacon grease came out of the destruction.
  • it makes a hit John Mellencamp song seem like it could be about New York City.
  • there aren't enough minuses to hit on Google Maps to see the whole thing.
  • they created a proportional Costcostco that has a supply of regular-sized Costcos inside.
  • when a bad hurricane hits, they don't issue a State of Emergency, they issue a Pangaea of Emergency.
  • the office buildings are deep-fried.
  • Kevin Costner found it in Waterworld.
  • Florida stopped being called America's Penis and is now referred to as America's Trailer Hitch
  • people sky dive over it without a parachute.
  • the Biscayne Bay looks like an eighth grade density experiment with water on the bottom and cooking oil on top.
  • the fire hydrants dispense mayonnaise.

New Doggie Low

First of all, Doggie Low would be a sweet rapper name and this temporarily takes my mind off the point of this entry. Blogs are supposed to be about revealing truth and as a comic, I've been told you have to just tell it like it is. Open your soul. Here comes my soul.

It's blisteringly cold here in New Jersey. I would gladly stay inside with my PJs on drinking hot cocoa but the dogs need to go outside. The last two days of walking them (impressed by how long I've gone in this entry without calling them the Siblings Jerkface?) have been horrible. Man gloves are not made to open poop bags. It's impossible and it's more of a pain to take off the glove, open the bag, pick up the excrement, tie the bag, and put the glove back on than it is to go bare-handed. This leads me to my troubling realization.

It's so cold out that I'm fine with picking up the poop. It's warm and provides my hand with temporary relief from the outside temperatures. I was disgusted when I put this together. I remember the day we got the dogs and how I didn't want to pick up their crap. I would walk behind them chanting, "No poop. No poop. No poop. No poop." Notice how I didn't say internally chanting. I was saying it out loud as I walked them. Do you see what these jerkfaces (almost made it) are doing to me? Didn't want to go near poop to needing it in my hands in a little over a year?!? 

I can't wait to go to Vegas next week. It's going to be a fecal-freecation. I'm not even going near the pool because the word is too close.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

NoBuddies - The Pilot (Episode 1)

Last year, I met some great people while taking an improv class at UCB. We decided to make a web series and after months of working out schedules and filming a total of 9 episodes so far, we are proud to put out the pilot episode. The first two episodes are going to be longer (8-10 minutes) but the rest of them will be perfect for the short attention span internet crowd (4-5 minutes). I hope you'll tune in for what is going to be a great series. I promise.

You can watch it below in low quality or go here and click watch in high quality under the video.

This is the first episode of a show about two struggling actors, a lazy comedian, and the accountant that they live with. It's time to meet everyone.

Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor
Bill - William Franke
Girl - Sue White

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rokamic (ccMixter)

I Would Have Gone With Steeler McSteelerton

The mayor of Pittsburgh is legally changing his name from Luke Ravenstahl to Luke Steelerstahl for Sunday's game between the Steelers and the Ravens. He said he wanted "to eliminate the Ravens just as the Steelers will on Sunday." I can't express how much I love this. Normally mayors bet each other that the loser has to wear the winning team's jersey to work on Monday but this raises the stakes. What can the Baltimore mayor Sheila Dixon possibly do? I think she should get one of those old school Bell Biv Devoe fades and buzz a raven picking at a dead steelworker's carcass. That would be sweet and different for a government official.

Sure it's original but it's not crazy enough.

Because of the mayor's awesomeness, I have decided to back the Steelers the rest of the way. My Giants are out and I can't take Philly winning a World Series AND a Super Bowl so let's go Steelers! And, to show my support, let me offer one of my favorite Steelers-related videos. Enjoy.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 1/13/09

Vicks VapoRub can harm children under the age of 2. It can cause respiratory distress when applied under the nose. Also a problem is if you apply it simultaneously to the nose using a pinching technique on the nostrils and to the lips using a cupping technique over the mouth.

Scientists at Cambridge University have determined that financial traders whose ring finger is longer than their index finger make more money than those with the other digital configuration. In response, the latter group went to Cambridge and showed them their longest finger.

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt "dissed" Ryan Seacrest on the Golden Globes red carpet by not stopping for an interview. Seacrest responded to this by running upstairs to his room, slamming the door behind him, diving onto his bed, and crying into his pillow.

LeBron James made the cover of GQ for the first time. With that cover, James has now appeared on every magazine cover except There Are Other Cavaliers, You Know? Quarterly.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Live Blogging My Mom's Gall Bladder Surgery

Is this wrong? Maybe. But I need something to do while I'm waiting for it to be over. I plan on heading over so I'm there when she wakes up as a surprise. Don't tell her, though. Who's a good son? This guy, most times.

The live blogging will take place over at my twitter. Feel free to follow it. If you are on Facebook, I've set up Twitter using magic and elbow grease to update the Facebook status automatically. The updates could be very interesting if they let me in the operating room. I plan on removing the offending gall bladder myself after the surgeons get her open. The gall bladder is somewhere in the butterfly/ice cream cone/slice of bread area which is low on the tweezer removal difficulty scale so I think they won't mind.

However, if they don't let me in the O.R., I will be in the waiting room with my dad eating a hospital grilled cheese and talking about the Giants losing.

7:45 - I spoke to her on the phone and she's in good spirits. I told her to try to remember what number she gets to when they tell her to count down. The furthest I've ever gotten is 95.

8:24 - Just watched some Nip/Tuck in preperation. I'm ready to say "15 blade" and "suction" a lot.

10:05 - Side note: Weighed myself today and I've lost 5 pounds in the last month. Go go rebellious metabolism! You're not acting 30!

10:36 - I've seen enough House to not want to deal with an hour of terminal misdiagnoses before she just needs beta blockers and an altoid.

11:30 - Just got to hospital. I hope they take out the left gall bladder. I think you use the right one more.

11:40 - Part of me hopes she shares a room with Jack Nicholson because she would have a blast making lists and seeing the world.

12:00 - Reading the Nov 08 issue of O. Dr. Oz has a quiz for me. I hope to leave this hospital with my inside beauty on the outside.

12:15 - The surgery begins. A break from joking around to think a good thought.

12:25 - If this were the red carpet at the golden globes, my mom would land on the worst dressed list for her gown. Too soon?

1:00 - Having my hospital grilled cheese. Nice. Saw mom before she went in. She seems to have made peace with her gall bladder. It's time.

2:05 - I can't stop thinking about the SNL doogie digital short. That was so good. It needs to be on hulu stat.

2:40 - Surgical waiting rooms are real bummers. I am not having an enjoyable time. This is nothing like the brochures.

3:18 - She is done. The gall bladder is out but it escaped. They are putting my mom in protective custody until the organ is captured.

3:45 - The gall bladder took down two hospital security guards before it was run over by an old patient walking with an I.V. cart.

4:09 - Hospitals should have a happy hour. The patients aren't the only ones that need to get loopy.

7:52 - Home from the hospital. Dogs are fed. Mom is well and potentially going home. It was a good day. Thanks for reading.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Saw The Wrestler

That was supposed to imply "I saw The Wrestler" not that you should cut up a wrestler that you have in your possession. It was a good movie and I enjoyed watching if simply for all the Jerseyness strewn throughout. 

I was trying to figure out who Mickey Rourke as Randy "The Ram" looked like. Then it hit me. He doesn't look like somebody. He looks what would happen if 1983 Mickey Rourke was put in a teleportation chamber in a David Cronenberg movie and, at the last minute, not only did a fly get in but also David Spade.

Regardless of how he looked, the acting was superb. Mickey Rourke is going to get all the nominations but Marisa Tomei and Evan Rachel Wood were also amazing in it. If you loved growing up with Randy "Macho Man" Savage and "The Million Dollar Man" Ted Debiase, this movie will be totally worth it.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

My Dogs Won't Freakin' Age!!

When my wife and I got our dogs (the previous blogged about Siblings Jerkface of Ruined Vermont Trip fame), it was a rainy, storm-laden October day reminiscent of the closing act of Magnolia. We adopted two Cocker Spaniel adults who at the time, I believed to be 10 years old. I wasn't for this acquisition but figured they're old and it wouldn't last that long. Besides, my wife was happy and that's all...that..........mat- Sorry, I fell asleep.

Then, about a year later (last October), I took them to the vet for shots. This was a new vet so I had to bring all of their papers to fill out forms and such. When I got to the birthday portion of the form, I realized that they were not 10 when we got them but had turned 10 during the year. Let's ignore the fact that my wife and I did not recognize their birthdays. We're new parents. The last thing I adopted was my Cabbage Patch Kid* when I was 6 (about the age these dogs may have been when we got them). Anyway, do you know what it's like to think you only have so much time with your dogs and then find out that you have an extra year? I should rephrase that: Do you know what it's like to be me and think you only have so much time with your dogs (don't forget you're me) and then find out that you have an extra year?!?

We get an email recently from the previous owner asking how the dogs are doing. She said she was sorry that she missed Girl Jerkface's birthday but she loved the pictures we sent her. See? We sent pictures. We're not terrible parents. Back off! So we realized we missed Girl Jerkface's birthday for the second possible time and I'd feel terrible if it wasn't for the fact that she turned 10. WHAT?!? How many times can these dogs turn 10? I checked the records and it's right mathematically. Someone must be messing with me. Every year, they turn 10! For the rest of time, 10! They're like Kirsten Dunst in Interview With a Vampire minus the bloodlust (hopefully...who knows what other surprises they're hiding?). 

Do I love my dogs? That should go without saying. We cuddle. I feed them. There are walks. My hand brushes their backs from time to time. I just wish they would age because it's starting to freak me out a bit.

* - My Cabbage Patch Kid's name was Wilson Irv. Tell me he wasn't getting his butt kicked at Patch Academy. We sprung for private school because we knew he wasn't going to last a day in public school. I haven't seen him since he was taken from me in exchange for four dollars at a yard sale in the late 80s. Every once and a while, when I see a little kid getting beat up in an alley or a boy who is dragging his sister's doll behind his big wheel, I think about Wilson Irv and hope he's doing well. 

Monday, January 5, 2009

Marley And Me 2

I'm really happy they asked me to write the sequel to the hit winter movie and I'm super psyched to be able to share what I've done so far with you.

Kevin's Note - In all seriousness, this may be the most offensive video I've ever produced. That's saying something considering the comments I usually get.

Medium Large For Best Web Comic

If you are not reading this comic daily, there is something wrong with you. Seriously, you should check with a doctor. (Unless you can't read, then you should learn to read just to read this comic.) It is tremendously funny which should be obvious based on the nomination. Do me and yourself a favor and vote for Medium Large at the Weblog Awards.

Did you do it? I'll find you if you didn't.

Also, you can vote once every day. That means you can go read the strip, laugh uproariously, and then vote for it every day! Rock on, right?

I Miss My 20s

I really enjoyed the casual nature of my blog on my birthday so I think I'm going to incorporate that into my blogging repertoire. Being 30 has not been fun. For those of you following along, I went to the doctor for multiple hours on my birthday. I went because I was having trouble walking. The diagnosis was to stay off of the foot for a bit and definitely no snowboarding in Vermont (the location my wife and I were off to for New Year's).

Vermont was going to be interesting because the family we were staying with allowed us to bring our two dogs, let's call them Jerkface and Girl Jerkface. Upon arrival, Girl Jerkface was attacked by another dog that was staying there and Jerkface pooped in the house on the top floor and the bottom floor. Then, Jerkface decided to do it again the next morning. I'm not sure how I feel about this advanced form of territory marking. Peeing now seems adorable. Girl Jerkface was too traumatized after the initial attack that she stayed by my feet the entire time. Finally, since the dogs wouldn't sleep at night in the foreign house and kept my wife and I up, we came home early. Thanks, dogs. I didn't want to sit on a couch by a fire and play board games with people I enjoy spending time with.

Saturday morning, I woke up feeling a little off. I walked The Siblings Jerkface and fed them. What followed had to be food poisoning because I lost a good amount of weight all day Saturday and we'll leave the description at that. Yesterday, I gave food a try and seem to be back on track. I might eat twice today. 

I've read about people in their 30s that go whole days without being angry or sick. I'm trying to stay positive that I will experience such a thing.