Friday, May 29, 2009

Freddie Prinze, Jr. On 24

Freddie Prinze, Jr. has joined the cast of "24" as the Head of Field Ops for CTU. I'm sorry, what?!? What qualifies him to this role? His expert crime fighting in the Scooby Doo movies? Sure, his Fred was a revelation but this is Jack Bauer! I've decided to come up with some ways for this to work.
  • Jack bets Freddie that he can't make any girl into the hottest girl at CTU. They pick Chloe and Freddie ends up realizing that no matter how hot he makes her, he can't make her less awkward. There's only so much that can be done in 24 hours. Jack wins.
  • Freddie is a talented baseball prospect working at CTU for the summer to earn some extra cash. Chloe finds him appealing but Jack doesn't approve and keeps Chloe from getting too serious since it would only last for the summer. We pick up Season 8 as Freddie finds out he's getting called up to the Phillies on his last day at CTU. In the midst of foiling a terrorist attack, Freddie is shot and dies in Jack's arms. Jack tells Freddie that he was good enough for Chloe as he breathes his last breath never getting the chance to play pro ball. A real case of Major(s) Irony.
  • CTU is reformed and now stands for the Cosmic Terrorist Unit stopping terrorism not only globally but universally. The Kilrathi, a race of "cat-like aliens," is threatening Earth and, more importantly, Los Angeles. Jack and Freddie take their fighter crafts out to thwart the Kilrathi but find their ships' armor to be impenetrable. Chloe comes up with a way to give the Kilrathi mother ship a cold or a virus, a computer...virus. Jack and Freddie save the day.*
  • Before being brought on to CTU, Freddie, Jack, and Chloe were good friends. They hung out all the time and partied. One summer night, while driving back from a club, Chloe and Freddie were involved in some horseplay. Distracted, Jack did not see the Stereotypical Arab Terrorist crossing the road. Jack, not wanting to have to deal with more disciplinary action, convince Chloe and Freddie to help him dispose of the body. They don't speak of it again until the start of Season 8 when CTU intercepts some chatter claiming to know what they did one year ago. Could it be that Stereotypical Arab Terrorist? Jack can't take the chance.
* The plot of Wing Commander was not strong enough so I had to bolster it with some Independence Day.

More Sally Forth

You know, I was never much into comic strips but when you are a character in one, it makes them so much more appealing. After an unnecessary two-day hiatus, Kevin returns in today's "Sally Forth." I know my character is just picking on Ted all the time but I think we need to know more of my back story. I feel delving into what makes Kevin tick would bring this comic up to Sally FIRST. Am I right? I am. Write your local Sally Forth-carrying newspaper and ask for more Kevin and I'll keep bothering the author.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

NoBuddies - Bill's Game Intervention (Episode 10)

This episode is based on a good friend of mine's love for video game hockey. There are really people out there like this and awareness needs to be raised. Can you tell this was actually the 4th episode we shot even though it airs 10th? That's why there's the sound issues that you all thought we took care of. The rest of the season will have the pristine sound you have come to enjoy in the last 5 or so episodes. Thanks for watching.

Bill takes his hockey game a little too seriously. Gray and Cal intervene.

Writer's Note - That is not my hand on Bill's upper thigh. It is an unfortunate screen capture.

Bill - William Franke
Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor

Directed by William Franke
Written by Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rockamic (ccMixter)

Monday's Sally Forth

If you are like me then you felt the Sally Forth from yesterday did not give enough back story on the character of Kevin, based on me. Where did Kevin come from? This smart ass appears out of nowhere? Why is he so mean to Ces, I mean Ted? Well, fear not. Kevin appeared in the Monday strip which I missed out on because I was too busy patriotizing the world. Anyway, this should clear up any confusion from the Tuesday strip so enjoy me again. I'm textually hilarious.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm In Sally Forth!

Being friends with the person who writes a comic strip has its perks as evidenced by today's Sally Forth. I play the role of Kevin which I do adequately in real life but awesomely in newsprint. I'm going to have to start having Ces script my real life because he makes me so much funnier than I really am. Check me out and laugh!

Thanks, Ces!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Bond On A Budget

There was this game on Twitter yesterday called #budgetbond. Some of the comics I follow (Paul Scheer, Dan Telfer, and Megan Ganz) were making up titles for James Bond movies if they had less of a budget. You'll see what I mean. I thought I would try to come up with something for every movie. (Click here for a list to compare.)
  1. Pre-Med Student No
  2. From Ronkonkama With Love
  3. Pyritefinger
  4. Partly Cloudyball
  5. You Only Live Twice, But Let's Shoot For Once
  6. On Her Majesty's Paul Blart Mall Cop
  7. Chocolates Are Good Til The "Sell By" Date Unless Refrigerated
  8. Live and Squat Die
  9. The Man with the Regular Ol' Gun
  10. The Spy Who Passed Me On The Street Once
  11. Front Yardraker
  12. For Your Eye Only
  13. Nopussy
  14. A Quick Glimpse to a Kill
  15. The Living DayCandles
  16. Learner's Permit to Kill
  17. GoldenAppendix
  18. Tomorrow Never Dies, You'll Have To Trust Us
  19. The World Turned Out To Be Enough
  20. Dying One Day Was Acceptable
  21. Casino Plebe
  22. Half a Quantum of Solace
Well, that's it. Some of them I love. Some are obvious. Some are the last two I came up with. Can you guess which disasters those were? I bet you can.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

American Idol - Finale (Part 2)

Well, this is it. The last American Idol blog for 2009. It's been a good run and I can't believe I stayed with it throughout. That last part was more in regards to the whole finale than the season. Even fast forwarding the commercials, it lasted a good six days. I missed four BBQs. It was a great season and a crazy ending. Sometimes life smacks you across the face with a hand made of money. It wakes you up and is upsetting until you realize you get to keep the hand. Move on? Sure.

The Idols - So What? - The white clothes are brutal. They look like they are starring in a Hip Hop video in the Arctic but they sound like Kidz Bop. Can I get this with a happy meal at McDonald's? The following is not from last night's finale:

David Cook - "Permanent" - He's singing a song without actual words. It's just warbling. It's nice.

Lil Rounds & Queen Latifah - "Cue The Rain" - Lil's wig is the best one yet and Queen Latifah forgot the other half of her jacket. The performance is awkward but that's just because the song is awful and they are struggling to remember their choreography. Twirl your finger by your temple when you get to the word "insane!" Both of you! What is this, Amateur Hour???

Anoop Desai, Alexis Grace, & Jason Mraz - "I'm Yours" - Anoop starts it off nice. He can really sing (Thanks, Randy). Too bad the judges wanted nothing to do with him. Alexis, dressed like her favorite pirate lass, should not be paired with this song. Her voice doesn't fit it. Jason Mraz is wonderful, like Kris Allen. Anoop, Alexis, and Jason sound fine together and then...the rest of the gang joins to ruin everything. Nice job, ruiners. 

Kris Allen & Keith Urban - "Kiss A Girl" - It's interesting that Kris gets Keith Urban and one song and Adam gets a giant KISS medley but I'm getting ahead of myself. Kris seems to be having a good time and that's all that matters. Just go out there and have fun. It doesn't matter who wins. Though, at times, it feels like a hockey game where the ice is tilted 75 degrees towards Kris' goal. Kris has to swing with all his little arms have to make it to Adam's goal.

The Girls & Fergie - "Glamorous" & "Big Girls Don't Cry" - I used to like Spiggles, right? Do you think they tell Spiggles not to sing directly into the mic unless it's her solo? Fergie sounds pretty terrible too and I love her. Why are they ruining "Big Girls Don't Cry?" It's my anthem.

Black Eyed Peas - "Boom Boom Boom" -  There are weird faceless zebra people in the background dancing. Their combined movements make you feel like you're in an Escher drawing. I'm bothered so much. I bet Simon's enjoying this. This is his jam. He probably throws in an extra boom when he's "managing" his sexy violin quartet, Escala. Hot violinists: They're real and they're spectacular!

Kara & Bikini Girl - "Vision of Love" - Bikini Girl, in bikini, begins the song with all the passion of Kristin Wiig as the Girl A-Hole (see below). Kara joins her on stage and outsings her easily. Kara has a good voice amongst all the crazy and idiocy. At the end, she throws open her dress to reveal her own bikini. She looked good.

Allison Iraheta & Cindy Lauper - "Time After Time" - Is this fair to Anoop? He sang such a beautiful version of "True Colors." I guess Anoop got all he deserved (2 lines at the beginning of "I'm Yours"). Lauper rocked the slide guitar while sitting like a man. Nice. Why was this song picked for Allison? I bet Michael Slezak is disappointed at EW. It was actually pretty good but I wanted Rocker Allison, not Tender Allison.

Danny Gokey & Lionel Richie - "Hello" & "Just Go" & "All Night Long" - A good pick for Danny with "Hello." Did anyone else notice that he sang the Lionel Richie part on "Just Go" because he was so excited to be up there? It's a nice moment for Danny. Lionel Richie looks great, too. Sometimes older people come on Idol and look terrible (See Disco Week). 

Adam Lambert & KISS - "Beth" & "Get Up Everybody" & "Rock and Roll All Night" - It's very good. This fits him like a glove. Is he going to make an album of Queen, Kiss, and Led Zeppelin-like music? Can he make an album with Jack White? Adam ruled this finale.

Matt Giraud & Carlos Santana - "Black Magic Woman" & "Smooth" - My wife asked me why Matt was wearing a Michael Jackson jacket. Because they didn't want to make him always look like Justin Timberlake. I thought the answer should make as much sense as the jacket. All the singers join in for "Smooth" and...mess everything up. Do you notice a trend? Is this what the Idol tour is like? Oof.

Megan Joy, Michael Sarver, & Steve Martin - "Pretty Flowers" - Let's do this like Simon for old time's sake. Megan won this round by a clear mile. A million percent better. Michael, it was ok, but Megan was better. I think you're in trouble. Sorry.

The Guys - "If You Think I'm Sexy" - Please stop.

Rod Stewart - "Maggie May" - The opposite of what I was saying about Lionel Richie. The older he gets, the more he looks like Hillary Clinton. Almost trumped Lil Rounds and Smokey Robinson for creepiest performance of the season. Almost.

Adam Lambert & Kris Allen & Queen - "We Are The Champions" - Adam sounded great the whole way. Kris sounded good when there was no heavy music behind him. When there was, I think they turned his mic off because I only heard Adam. They were joined by what I was hoping was the cast of Glee but I was wrong. It ended with some nice hugs between the two finalists. 


Final Thoughts - I hope Kris gets to make the album he wants. David Cook seemed to so there could be hope. Adam has a ridiculous voice and he'll do fine. I don't know if I'll buy his album but I'll go see him on Broadway. My favorite has won 2 years in a row now. My brain is getting too mainstream. Congratulations to all the Idol contestants (except Jorge). I'm looking forward to albums from Anoop Desai, Allison Iraheta, Matt Giraud, Alexis Grace, and Jesse Langseth. Maybe Ricky Braddy. Farewell to Idol until 2010. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

American Idol - Finale (Part 1)

Adam versus Kris. This is what we've all been waiting for. To be honest, I don't care who wins because I got to hear Kris sing as much as he possibly could on the show. There is no next week. Wait, what am I going to blog about? Oh no. I'm going to have to come up with original things. I don't have those. Hold on. Deep breath. We can cross that bridge when we come to it. (Stay far away from me, Friday!) Tonight's episode will feature a song they sang during the season (eh), a pick from the creator of the show (only chance at enjoyment), and the Idol song (oof).

Adam Lambert - "Mad World" - There was no way he was doing anything else. Simon gave him a standing ovation when he sang it the first time. Those are as rare as Randy not booing when Ryan introduces Simon. He was dressed like he was going to fight the Agents from The Matrix. I actually waited for Adam to dodge bullets in slow motion but he just sang the song instead. The performance was not as good as the first time he did it but it was still good. Randy loved that he sang something from the season which was good because he was supposed to. Oh, Randy. Simon thought it was overtheatrical. I would agree.

Kris Allen - "Ain't No Sunshine" - Kris' parents are taking over for Anoop's in terms of adorable. He didn't like to sing in front of his parents so they would pay him a quarter to make him sing. One time, he gave his mom coupons that she could redeem for his singing. She called it "the best present ever." Are you swooning? My Kris Krush is getting larger. It was great just like the first time he did it. I actually expected him to do "Heartless" but this one was just as good. He had so many to choose from because he's awesome. Simon honestly didn't think Kris should have been safe last week. Really? Gokey?

Adam Lambert - "A Change Is Gonna Come" - I love this song. The opening line was awesome and then it was dull and then it finished all Lambert-y. The judges loved it. He's just not my style. Still, he'll make a good Idol winner.

Kris Allen - "What's Going On" - It is so good. Is it sad that I see no competition with who is more talented in this finale? He just makes every song something I want to download. It was such a cool version of this song though Simon didn't think it was any different. Gokey would have done it better, I'm sure. 

Adam Lambert - "No Boundaries" - The background singer is ruining this song which is a shame because the song is bad enough to ruin itself. I hate to be a conspiracy theorist but doesn't this song seem like only Adam can sing it? How can Kris sing this song? This is going to be worse than "Renegade." Anyway, Adam did this song as well as it can be done. I hope that's saying much. Adam will and should win it all.

Kris Allen - "No Boundaries" -  I really don't want to hear Kris sing this song. I anticipated disaster and he may have averted it though it's not likely. This is one of those rare times on Idol that you can give a contestant an A for effort. Congratulations on a fantastic season, Kris! Sorry this had to be the last performance.

Winner - Adam Lambert

Monday, May 18, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 5/18/09

7-11 is selling an Apocalyptic Slurpee. This is in honor of the new Terminator movie starring Christian Bale. I feel like there was already an Acopalyptic Slurpee. Maybe I'm just remembering that the last time I finished a Slurpee, I got so ill I wanted the world to end.

The Hubble Telescope was believed to be on its last legs but 1 billion dollars in repairs may have bought it 5 to 10 more years in space. You would think for 1 billion dollars, it would live forever. They should have used Magic Johnson's guy. He can fix anything.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. You know, just because she's eligible for the Early Bird doesn't mean she has to partake in the worm.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. At least when her water breaks, the splash will be minimal. (Because her vagina is by her knees.  I am so sorry.)

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. When her kid's friends call her a MILF, it will stand for Mom I'd Like to Feed the ducks with.

A 66-year-old British woman is going to be a mother for the first time. I saved the biggest joke for last: the kid's childhood.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

American Idol - Top 3 (Part 2)

Dear Danny,

To say my feelings for you have changed since I started blogging this season of American Idol would be a nice way of putting it. It's not your fault that the judges were incapable of giving you any negative comments except for the occasional "clumsy" or "too much swagger." You and Adam were their favorite and, conspiracy theories about Simon helping you through so his March prediction on Leno would be correct aside, you used to be my favorite. Therefore, I feel it's only right that I go back in time and ask March Kevin to write the goodbye.

Current Kevin


Current Kevin gets in a time machine and goes back to March 18. He walks into March Kevin.

March Kevin
What the-

Current Kevin
There's no time for that. I'm you from the future.

March Kevin
I guess not very far in the future.

Current Kevin
I'm from May. I need you to write a letter saying goodbye to Danny Gokey from American Idol for the blog. He got voted off in Top 3 week.

March Kevin
You have a time machine and this is what you use it for. Did something happen to me that resulted in brain damage? I'd like to avoid it.

Current Kevin
Look, can you do it? I wanted Danny to get a nice send-off and I can't do it because I don't like him anymore.

March Kevin
Wow. You did have an accident. How could you not like Danny?

Current Kevin
You'll see. Just write the letter. Do it for Danny.

March Kevin sits down and writes the letter. He hands it to Current Kevin.

Current Kevin
Well, good luck to you.

March Kevin
So how are the Mets doing?

Current Kevin

March Kevin
Oliver Perez?

Current Kevin
Just as you feared. Farewell.

Current Kevin gets back in the time machine.


This is what March Me wrote:

Dear Danny,

I was saddened to hear that you will be voted off American Idol. I have enjoyed the performances of yours that I have seen. I'm guessing it's a travesty that you are not going to make the Finals. Seriously, though, what happened? You were the front runner. I heard Qkcrisseette got in over you. How did that happen? What did you do? Did you stop playing the wife card? I'm just baffled. I just watched you sing "Jesus Take The Wheel" and it was fantastic. You deserve better than third in my book. Well, my March book. You will be missed when the time comes for me to miss you. Make a great album, Gokes.

March Kevin

Final Thoughts: I forgot that I called him Gokes. Wow, that takes me back. I was as shocked as Kris when they said he was safe. I am so happy. Now, it doesn't matter who wins. I get my money's worth of Kris and we move on. Though, as much as I like Kris, how awful would a Kris/Danny finale have been? Eek. Lowest ratings ever. Danny had a great run and he will sell some records. I see him having an Elliot Yamin-like career even though that doesn't seem to fit him. Then again, it doesn't fit what I saw for Elliot either. See you next week when Adam takes the crown and Kris gets to sing three more songs. Everybody wins!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

American Idol - Top 3 (Part 1)

Each contestant got to sing two songs tonight. The first song is a judge's choice and the second song is a personal one. But wait. You say there are four judges and three contestants. How is that going to work? I'm glad you asked. When Kara and Randy are focused and on their game, they combine to equal one mediocre representative of the record industry. Now, do you see how it works out? (Also of note, Kara was not focused and on her game tonight.)

Danny Gokey - "Dance Little Sister" - It was very shouty. It seemed to all be in the upper part of Danny's register or the "Gruff Zone" as I like to call it. I went on YouTube and watched the Terence Trent D'Arby version and this is what it sounds like, gruff and all. So, once again, Danny did a good job of sounding like the original version and no, I will not count the scat with the saxophone thing as original. That's a throw in and we are not searching for the next Scatman John. The judges loved it even though they weren't big on the song choice.

Kris Allen - "Apologize" - When I heard that Kris was singing this, I made the same face he did when he got the text message from Kara and Randy. This was pure sabotage. We all know he's not moving on but to make him sing a song that's out of his range is garbage. I thought he did a good job considering you could tell he wanted nothing to do with the song. When he stayed out of his falsetto in the parts of the song that go falsetto, it sounded really cool. Then, on top of making him sing an awful song (for him), Kara got on his case for doing it too much like the original!?! They only have a couple of days to put it all together especially with going to their hometowns. Where was he going to find the time to learn the song and make it his own? At least Simon was the voice of reason and scolded Kara for complaining. Kara is an evil harpy with a lack of brain cells. Bad combination. This was the equivalent of telling Kris to pull her finger and then complaining that it smells. 

Adam Lambert - "One" - It seemed like a mess once he got passed the opening few lines. I thought it started well and then got weird. Then I wanted it to end, so much so that I yearned to hear the U2 version and I can't stand U2. It doesn't matter though. Adam is in the Finals. He could bomb miserably on the next song and still make it. Apparently, Simon helped Adam arrange the song which I didn't know Simon was capable of. Simon and Kara got in a genuine argument in which Kara did a terrible British accent to mock Simon. I think Kara could have had him if she only finished with "I know you are but what am I?" or "So's your face" but I don't think such advanced forms of rebuttal are in her arsenal.

Danny Gokey - "You Are So Beautiful" - He's trying for tender and sounding like his voice is giving up. He came strong at the end like usual but what about the beginning? Good thing he's preordained in the finals so he could do the song with armpit farts and move on. The judges loved it. (sarcasm from this point on) Really? Crazy. I never would have thought it. Danny is the greatest singer this competition has ever known. His effort alone is enough to advance. I wish he could sing me to sleep at night.

Kris Allen - "Heartless" - That was amazing. Brilliant. I went back and watched it two more times. I want this version on my iPod stat. Two things: 1. I'm aware of the similarities to The Fray's version but, after listening to it, this is different enough and sung much better. 2. I knew Kara was going to substitute praise for scolding. Instead of saying it was great, she took the time to complain that he didn't do this for "Apologize." She's the worst. She needs an entry in Dickipedia

Adam Lambert - "Cryin'" - Remember that thing I said about tanking the second song and still getting in the Finals? Well, he set out to prove that theory. Wow, this was a mess. The background singer was ruining it even more than Adam was. I kinda miss his first song now. Truthfully, I know I've been anti-Adam from the beginning but this felt like his worst night. I still think he deserves the Finals based on his overall oeuvre.

Final Thoughts: Adam is safe no matter what. Simon ensured it by urging people to vote for him and not assume he's there. Sometimes I like to asskararandy. (Think about it.) That leaves Danny and Kris. Based on how easily my wife was getting through on Kris' lines, it doesn't look good. I don't understand how Danny could be so immune to criticism all season. It doesn't make sense. Is he a good singer? Yes. Does he make the songs his own? Not really. If this was Season 1, Danny would coast to the Finals but American Idol has evolved into a musical talent and singing competition. You still need to be able to sing but you have to bring more like Kris does. Unfortunately, it looks like Kris is done bringing it. It appears it's already been broughten. Sigh.

Going Home: Kris Allen

Monday, May 11, 2009

Things Twitter Brought To My Life Today

When you spend a large amount of time on a social networking app, you want something to show for it. I give so much to Twitter and rarely get things back. Today was one of those days that made it worth it. And how!

Tip Toes - This is a real movie. It was made in 2003 and somehow stayed under my radar until today. How? It features Gary Oldman in "the role of a lifetime." We spend so much time ripping Matthew McConaughy apart for his movies. How does this not enter into the argument? I fear this is a ruse, it is so ridiculous. However, it's available on Amazon and you can add it to your Netflix queue. I can say no more. Enjoy.

I guess we can take solace in the fact that it's a drama. (I'm usually a terrible guesser.) GARY OLDMAN AS A DWARF?!?!?! WHAT!?!? Do they not realize that there are people who can play this part without special effects? Wow.

Play Him Off, Keyboard Cat - The Keyboard Cat is getting more famous by the day. The cat plays a silly tune over embarrassing video clips found on YouTube. There are many funny ones but when I saw this one, the search is over and there is no point in making any more.

So the answer to the age old question is "yes, it would be funny if the Sixth Sense kid was terminal." I've watched this 3 times now and it makes me think of two things: 1. It shouldn't be that big of a shock. His mom, Jenny, died of the same thing. 2. Even Chuck Norris can't cure AIDS.

Thanks, Twitter.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Reasons I Will Never Be A Good Stand Up Comic

I know you should never say never but I feel strongly that I have no business being a stand up comic. It's not a matter of being funny. I'm hilarious. Ask my friends.* The problem is that there are a whole lot of supporting aspects that I'm terrible at.
  • The Stage Arrival Handshake - When you arrive on stage, you shake the host's hand in appreciation of an intro that makes you seem better than you are. I miss this handshake fairly often. The host and I end up with a fingertip grab that should continue into a Brandon/Dylan or Zack/AC hand snap but it never does. Instead, it finishes awkwardly with an apology from me and a knowing smirk from the host that says, "Knock 'em dead, limp hand."
  • The Microphone Stand - I lack the technical skills to adjust the height of any microphone stand and I am never the same height as the host. All of the great comics get up on stage and immediately adjust the height of the mic stand. This gives them the option of holding the mic or putting it back into the stand so they can use both hands to assist a joke. I will forever be stuck providing one hand's worth of assistance to my humor.
  • Stage Movement - I plant my feet on the stage and don't move until my set is done. My rigidity shows a complete lack of comfort and has to be off-putting to the audience. I might as well impale myself ass-wise on the mic stand (not using it anyway) and dangle. At least it would get a laugh.
  • Audience Banter - The audience scares me. They have better ideas than me. They are funnier. They are much better at name calling. If I give them any kind of an opening, the audience will side with them. Hell, I would, too. "You suck?" I can't compete with that.
  • Enjoying Laughter - When the audience laughs at something I say, my first thought is "I hope this doesn't go on too long. I prepared a certain amount of material and I need to get through all of it." From conversations that I've had with other comics, this is not the correct way to think. Apparently, I should let the laughter run its course. Soak in the moment. Well, there's no time to soak. The red light's coming sooner into my material now.
  • The Red Light - The red light comes on one minute before the comic's time is up. It tells you to start wrapping it up. If you take too long to finish up, the host can come on stage and wrap your set up for you. This is embarrassing and can give you a bad reputation. Not wanting to fall into this problem, I wrap up as soon as the light comes on. Light. "Thanks, I'm Kevin Tor." It's awkward to never end on punch lines.
* Before you do, tell me which friend you are going to ask. He or she might be out of town and unable to answer. I want to save you the call.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

American Idol - Top 4 (Part 2)

Dear Allison,

You will be missed. You won me over with your "Alone" performance in Top 36 Week. I remember thinking it was going to be a disaster and then you rocked it. Your red hair was reminiscent of the head wrap on the Mumm-Ra action figure from my youth but probably more plastic.

You gave amazing performance after amazing performance and you deserved better than 4th place. Then again, some great people finished 4th in the past (Chris Daughtry, Tamyra Gray, Jason Castro). Like you, they were all beloved and a shocking exit. 

Now, it's time you learn something from this. Never stick up for yourself. You held back every week amidst the ridiculously unfounded judges' comments and you advanced. Then you had enough of Simon, Kara, and Randy's nitpicking and you spoke up. Dumb. As Ryan reminds us every week, " A-MER-ican Idol." You don't talk back to the judges. You don't try to take away a spot from the pre-chosen finalists (Adam and Danny). And you don't get credit for being original because you are a woman. But you're 17. Much too young to know this. 

So good luck to you. Hopefully, you'll put out an album. I'll buy it.

Someone you don't know

Final Thoughts: This was an awful week on American Idol. Allison was called a soundalike for her Janis Joplin performance while Adam was called an original rock god for his copy of a Led Zeppelin song. Adam sounded great but he got too much credit this week. Still, he has grown on me and I'm fine with him in the Top 3. Danny was awful. The worst performance by a Top 4 Idol ever. It's wrong that he's still around. Unfortunately, this is what the judges wanted at this point. Allison should have pulled a Tom Hanks in "Saving Private Ryan" and pulled Danny's plaid shirt yelling "Earn this!" It's wrong that so many Idols had to die for Danny to be in the Top 3. See you next week when Kris is voted off. I'd say not to bother with the performances but I want to see him do 2 more songs.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

American Idol - Top 4 (Part 1)

Rock Week brought Slash as the Idol Mentor. Slash was very cool. He cooled his way through the whole mentoring process. I think he really brought a level of cool out of the performers tonight. I know the editors cut it up so we don't see everything but I think I could have done that job. The only thing he did was intimidate some of them. I could have held a gun and told them to sing next to me and gotten the same effect. I may be wrong but look at the performances. Last week's mentor was great and the show was one of the best ever. This week's was unhelpful and it was my least favorite of the season.

Adam Lambert - "Whole Lotta Love" - This is the music I'm thinking he should be making. It was shouty but so was Zeppelin. Overall, it was good but what was with the outfit? It was like the outfit Michael Jackson would wear if he was asked to be in one of the Blade movies. 

Allison Iraheta - "Cry Baby" - She went to Adam's hair girl? This wouldn't be disturbing if she didn't say that Adam's been going to her for 2 years. Am I going about show biz all wrong? Should I have assistants even when I'm nobody? It's like dressing for the job you want. I should be entouraging for the fame status I want. Anyway, I actually thought Allison was ok. She sounded great. Simon gave her some trouble and she snapped back at him which I think is what he was going for, the little puppet master.

Kris Allen & Danny Gokey - "Renegade" - I don't even know what happened here. I guess the producers came up with the idea to do a couple of duets this week. This one was uncomfortable. Kris and Danny don't have powerful rock voices. They tried but it just made them sound bad and provided no momentum with the judges (or me) for the solos. 

Kris Allen - "Come Together" - I'm going to do a Randy on this. When I heard Kris was doing "Come Together," I was like, "Oh, man. I don't know." But you know what? He worked it out. Not really. It was fine but I think that was because I'm a huge Kris fan. I have a feeling it wasn't very good at all. I was hoping he would reverse David Cook it. Take a heavy song and lighten it up. Any rock song would have sounded so cool slowed down like he can do. I was disappointed in Kris and I hope it's not the end of him.

Danny Gokey - "Dream On" - Oof. That last note might be the thing that saves Kris from elimination. That was putrid. It was like somebody asked him to do his best cicada impression. Oof. Danny seems full of himself. I fought it off because I liked him so much in the beginning of the show but he was awful tonight. Steven Tyler? He thinks he can sing like Steven Tyler?!? It would be one thing to sing the song and make it your own. He tried. To sing it. Like Steven Tyler?!? He will be in the Bottom 3.

Allison Iraheta & Adam Lambert - "Slow Ride" -   It was really good. I'm thankful the producers put these two together and didn't split them to embarrass Kris and Danny. Adam was in control. He didn't overdo it and Allison brought the power vocals. (I notice the more I watch American Idol, the more I use terms like "power vocals" and "pipes" when I have no business using them. American Idol brings out my inner record promoter.)

Bottom Three: I think Adam will be the safe one this week. He was the best of the four by an unfortunately large amount. That leaves Allison, Kris, and Danny as the Bottom 3. Allison should be fine because she was not beat up by the judges as much. So that leaves Kris or Danny going home. Kris is more talented but Danny has never been in the Bottom 3. Can you go from season-long safe straight to home? I hope so but I doubt it. Cicada Man stays and my favorite leaves.

Going Home: Kris Allen