Monday, August 31, 2009

Popeye In Real Life

Ever wonder what Popeye would look like in real life? Big mistake. Special effects artist Rick Baker decided to take away the mystery and destroy all of our happy childhood thoughts with this:

Quick thoughts:
  • Does spinach have Botox in it? Because that guy is not beating up anyone.
  • How can Bluto feel good about himself pummeling that guy?
  • Olive Oyl can really see the beauty in anything.
  • Is it me or does the creepy sailor suit really take it to the next level of ewww?
Thanks, Rick Baker!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Tor's Onion Stories: August 25, 2009

I thought I would start something new. I would love to write for The Onion one day and there's no better way to prepare for writing for something than to pretend to write for it. So I am going to periodically come up with 10 stories that I would submit to The Onion.
  • Frank Caliendo Diets To Resemble People He Does Impressions Of
  • Drunk Man Pees On Picasso Collection Turning It Green
  • French Horn Playing Leads To Cat Ownership Later In Life
  • Phish Fan Too High To Realize Band's Five Year Hiatus
  • Sliced Bread Still Considered Really Great
  • Google Maps Shows Country Roads NOT Best Route Home For John Denver
  • New CBS Sitcom Enjoyed By Studio Audience
  • Turns Out Father's Missing Child Was On Top Of His Head All Along
  • Roger Turdburger Earns Nobel Prize, 5 Minutes Without Name Mocking
  • Local Man Makes One Too Many "Don't Block The Box" Jokes To Girlfriend
What do you think?

Monday, August 24, 2009

What Else Can Happen To The Mets?

Two days ago, you would have said that the Mets season was a debacle. Then yesterday, they lost a game on an unassisted triple play, the first time that has happened since 1927. Today, they've added injury to insult as they announced that Jeff Francoeur tore a ligament in his thumb, and that they were sending Johan Santana to be examined by a doctor. This now means that Frankie Rodriguez is the only actual major leaguer left on the team.

What else could possibly go wrong with the Mets? That's where Etan Bednarsh and I come in. As devout Mets fans and comedians, we decided to each come up with a list of 10 predictions for stories - and the corresponding New York Post headlines- we expect to see before season's end. Read below for my list and then head over to Etan's list.
  1. PoorBitz - The Mets show up at the wrong stadium when the traveling secretary looks at the wrong date on the schedule. The Cardinals, who were supposed to play the Cubs, approached them and said, "Look, the Mets showed up. We'll still play you guys tomorrow and the day after. I feel bad that they came all this way."
  2. Look Ma, No Hands...Or Tact - Gary Sheffield made a spectacular catch when he threw his glove at a line drive. Sheffield started throwing his glove at every fly ball not hit directly at him over a week ago. Though he is 1 for 26 on catches in this manner, Manuel called the play "gansta" and said there are no problems with Sheffield and the Mets. In other news, visitors have now hit 25 inside the park home runs at Citi Field, a Major League record.
  3. A Life Cut Shirt - Mr. Met was killed by a jammed T-shirt cannon. Jennie, of the Pepsi Party Patrol, said they were warned never to try to fire a jammed T-shirt cannon but Mr. Met saw a little boy on the Promenade that really wanted a shirt. Mr. Met will be honored with a 21 T-shirt cannon salute following tomorrow's game.
  4. Forfeiting End - On the last day of the season, Fernando Tatis pulled his hamstring running to first. With the rest of the team on the disabled list, Tatis fielded Hunter Pence's grounder at shortstop and tried to beat Pence to first when he came up lame as he passed the pitcher's mound. The Mets attempted to send Kevin Burkhardt out to finish the game but the umps cited the rule book forcing the Mets to forfeit. Tatis is listed as season to season.
  5. FranCorpse - In the 5th inning with the Mets down 10 runs and wondering what else could go wrong, the Pepsi Porch succumbed to a season's worth of its inhabitants eating Shake Shack, collapsing and crushing Jeff Francoeur. Shake Shack will honor him by offering French's Mustard with every hot dog.
  6. Thumbelievable - Alex Cora, not wanting to sit out anymore, has two more arms added to his body. Unfortunately, Cora tore tendons in both of those new thumbs sliding into second. No word on whether Cora will pursue a 5th and 6th arm.
  7. K-Fraud - After Francisco Rodriguez blew his third save in a row, the Mystery Van crashed through the left field wall and screamed towards the mound. Velma, tapped into the PA system, told the fans that this was not K-Rod and pulled off his silicone mask to reveal Ron Taylor from the 1969 team. K-Rod was later found bound and malnourished below Box Frites.
  8. PaGone - Angel Pagan returned to heaven with Christopher Lloyd. Pagan, realizing there was nothing more he could do for the Mets, flew off the field in the 4th inning to receive a new assignment from God.
  9. Green Apple - The Shea Stadium Apple, tired of hearing how great the Citi Field Apple looks, urinated on the electrical system that controls the hydraulics of its replacement. Unfortunately for the Shea Stadium Apple, the Mets did not hit another home run forcing the Apple to come clean in frustration. Jeff Wilpon is letting the Apple sit in a cell overnight to think about what he's done and will post bail tomorrow.
  10. Mentally Wright - David Wright extended his record streak by homering in his 45th straight at-bat since returning from being hit in the head by a Matt Cain fastball. Opposing pitchers, afraid that Wright can now see the future, cannot bring themselves to intentionally walk him. Wright stares at them and all of a sudden the intentional walk seems like a bad idea. Bud Selig says there is nothing in the rules against precognition or mind control.
Don't forget to go to Etan's blog for 10 more Mets possibilities.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Ridiculous Reporter

Finally, a reporter that knows how to tell a story. The public needs visual recreations, not fancy words. I defy you not to laugh at this.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Man's Man's Review of "He's Just Not That Into You"

In order to prepare myself for this chick flick, I threw down five brewskis (or brewdawgs, depending on your geographical location) and waited for them to reach my bladder. I took the DVD out of the case and peed all over it before I popped it into the player. After a quick run to Best Buy to get a new DVD player (and a "defective" disc return to Blockbuster), I settled in with a bucket of wings and a mini-keg of Heineken.

After I press play, there's a little girl building a sand castle and this boy comes up to her and pushes her to the ground. It's hilarious. I almost spit out my beer. That girl grows up, I think, and she has hot friends like the girl from "The Hulk" and Rachel from "Friends." They start blabbering about something dumb that I could not understand, probably "Sex and the City."

From what I could tell, "Hulk" girl is married to the douchebag from "Wedding Crashers" but he's not happy with her after falling for Scarlett Johansson at a grocery store. Rachel wants to marry Good Will Hunting's boyfriend but he won't because he knows he's getting cow milk for free. Smart dude. The original girl wants E from "Entourage" but E is into ScarJo who is best friends with the grown up version of the girl from "Firestarter." Original girl finds out E is really not into her (hey, like the title) from the mouth of the Mac (or the PC, it's the less nerdy one) guy. 

So "Wedding Crashers" guy starts having an affair with ScarJo which is implied as I never get to see any boobs. They make out but that's not cheating. I let it play while I go use the can. These wings are going right through me.

We're back. I took a little longer than expected because the bisexual girl from "House" is on the cover of the new Maxim. Holy crap! She's an 11! What's going on in the movie? Oh look, original girl is being boring while on the phone with the Mac guy (Googled it). What a surprise. This movie blows. I'm going to line up some shots of Jager. Something's going to get me through this.

Drinking game: Every time a girl on the screen whines, I do a shot.

Firestarrter!1! tWistd Fieestarrer! Woowoowoowoo! Woowoowowowooo!! Wrapp e in a papoose and wakl him around towm! This moovieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh my head. I must have blacked out. Why is the Mac guy kissing that first girl? Why did Affleck ask Rachel to marry him? What's wrong with these guys? Why did they give up? I give it 2 balls undescended. I'm going to the bar to drink through this headache and find some women without convictions.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

VH1 Behind The Musics I'd Like To See

VH1 made some great Behind the Musics. There were some that I would still love to see.
  • Tag Team - "The story of how even being able to point out where 'it' was was not enough. Now, they put the 'WHO?' in 'Whoomp.'"
  • Mark Morrison - "The story of the man who thought the world was ready for the mack to return but was wrong."
  • Meredith Brooks - "The story of how maybe it's better for career longevity to let people find out what you later are than to come out and say it in your first song."
  • Lucas - "The story of how a man dealt with a society that preferred his lid firmly attached."
  • Vengaboys - "The ironic story of the band that liked to party but was never invited to any."
  • Lou Bega - "The story of a man haunted by the regret that he should have started with the first mambo and not the fifth and last one."
  • The Proclaimers - "The sad story of two guys that never found anyone worth walking more than 48 miles for, far short of their lyrical ideal."
  • Ini Kamoze - "The story of a lyricist with mob ties and steps that are excessively warm."
  • Skee-Lo - "The story of a man who never had a wish come true and how it ate away at him."
  • 2 in a Room - "The story of how no one knew what part of their body to wiggle and the heaps of hate mail they got because of it."
Even if you don't want to see any of these Behind the Musics, I hope you will have any of these songs stuck in your head for at least a week. You're welcome.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Going To The Movies: Sookie Stackhouse

While it would have been fun to head down the Bon Temps, Louisiana, to take in a movie, I wanted to see something that was made after 1987 and was not on VHS. I sent a letter (no email) to Sookie asking if she wanted to come out to New Jersey and see something new. She jumped at the chance, wanting to get away from all that vampire drama.

We went to see G.I. Joe because I thought some mindless cinema would be just the distraction she needed. After the movie was over, we went to dinner and discussed the film.

Thanks for coming on the show, Sookie.

My pleasure. 

So what did you think of the movie?

I thought it was too busy. I liked the main guy, though.

Channing Tatum.

What was that? You think he's attractive? I would have to agree.

I didn't say that.

You thought it. It's ok. He is very cute.
(beat, listening)
I guess he could be a good dancer, too. I didn't really see that.

Please stop listening to my thoughts. My mind is thinking things I would be embarrassed for you to hear me thinking and they are coming out as my actual thoughts.

You have a wife!

Sookie slaps Kevin across the face.

See? I didn't mean that.

You're disgusting.

A man's private thoughts should be just those. This isn't right.

Neither is picturing me and the waitress in a two-person horse costume but you're doing that.

This interview is over.

Are you sure? I think a lot of people would like to know which member of En Vogue you'd like to switch places with.

I didn't think anything like that.

I know. I'm just messing with you. You need to lighten up. Your thoughts are not that bad. You should hear the things my brother, Jason, thinks.


Yup. Now let's finish the interview correctly. I don't want to be like all your other interviews that don't bother talking about the movie.

How did you - 
Right, I thought it. Would you tell others to see the movie?

Absolutely not. I like simple stories. Maybe this sort of thing works for y'all in New Jersey but not in Bon Temps.

It doesn't work in New Jersey, either. There was no story to make up for the horrible dialogue. The special effects were overpowering and confusing. I was really disappointed.

You secretly liked it.

Damn it. Well, that's it for our show. Thanks to Sookie Stackhouse for coming and making my thoughts known to the world. Hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 8/14/09

I started a job writing current event jokes for an iPhone app, iLarious. I'm really excited. There are writers from the Simpsons, the Onion, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, College Humor, and much much more awesome things. Tor's News Nuggets will be the place that I post the ones that don't make it. (Some of them you'll see why.)

Ashton Kutcher announced that his plane needed to perform an emergency landing via Twitter. The pilot landed the plane because he was getting a lot of wireless interference from somewhere in the cabin.

CNN is reporting that trucks are the most purchased in the Cash for Clunkers promotion. So...that didn't work.

The jobless rate fell for the first time in a year. Kudos to the person who decided to create the jobs to calculate the jobless rate.

Shirtless pictures of a fit Vladimir Putin are circulating and experts say it shows he is stronger than previous leaders like Boris Yeltsin. Something else that would show this: holding a mirror under his nose and waiting for fog.

49ers draft pick Michael Crabtree is threatening to sit out the 2009 season and reenter the 2010 Draft if he doesn't get more than $23.5 million. Looks like Michael Vick finally got some competition for Most Hated Football Player.

Victoria Beckham is going to be a temporary replacement for Paula Abdul on American Idol. American Idol judges are some of the most publicly criticized and hated people in entertainment so she can go to her husband for advice.

Jenny Stanford, the wife of adulterous South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, is moving out of the Governor's Mansion. Good, I was starting to think she couldn't read. Or hear. Or process visual signs.

Barack Obama claims that Canada's health care model would not work in the U.S. Obama said that the health care model was good but when you get down to it, like their bacon, it's really just ham.

A new species of frog that can soar through the air was discovered in the Himalayas. Do you hear that Nadia, the foreign exchange student from my high school? You said we could have sex "when frogs fly."

A new study proves that dogs and toddlers are on the same developmental plane. So child services was wrong, rubbing my baby's face in his diaper was fine?

A woman threw a ceramic cup at the Mona Lisa saying she was frustrated about not getting French nationality. She then threw a saucer at the Eiffel Tower, a spoon at the Bastille, and hot tea at Jerry Lewis.

A bride in China is hoping to set the record with a wedding dress that has a train measuring 2 km. Little does she know but the groom tied the end of the train to a tree 2 km and 2 m from the altar.

A new movie called "Machete" has begun filming and it stars Robert De Niro, Lindsey Lohan, Jessica Alba, and Steven Seagal. Hollywood said, "This is the best way to guarantee we only make one bad movie next year."

Forecasts say that the world population will hit 7 billion next year. Kinda sad that Tila Tequila still can't find love.

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls will hit stores just in time for Christmas. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

The first successful captive breeding of an endangered vulture was announced today. Seriously, what kind of prison is Bernie Madoff in?

Bob Dylan is planning to release a holiday album later this year. The album will start out with Hanukkah tunes, then switch over to Christmas songs, and end with songs that could be either one.

A nun in Missouri chased a robber into the woods after he ran past the convent. When asked why she chased the robber, the nun said, "I don't know. I always chase things that run by. I guess I'm just a creature of...habit." Then the reporter slapped her in the face and told her to stick to chasing.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Renaissance Awesome!

When I was little, my parents would take me to the Renaissance Fair. Knights would walk around amongst the people and turkey legs bigger than my head were the snack of choice. From what I remember, it was fun but now, it seems antiquated. With Comic-Con and a whole series of other cons, the Renaissance Fair needs to keep up.
  1. Vampires - They are so hot right now. You can add vampires to anything and people will come running. Heck, that's why I'm planning to open a vampire-themed oil change place named Dracu-Lube. "We want to give you and your car eternal life." So, you put vampires at the Renaissance Fair. The princess drops her handkerchief to the winning jouster, a vampire comes in and bites her neck. The jouster vows revenge to the king. It's glorious.
  2. "Green" It Up - Make the suits of armor out of solar panels. Hook the horses up to a power generator like they do with bicycles. Have the jousters "horse-pool." Put two jousters on one horse and get two jousts done at a time. Go paperless. Scrolls have to be the largest contributer to a Renaissance Fair's carbon footprint. They love them. Have the decreers memorize what would have been on the scrolls. Simples as that. A green Renaissance Fair is far more marketable than the alternative one.
  3. Reality Series - Get a cable network to televise Renaissance Fairs around the country. People will come just to get the chance to be on television. You can even do period-based segments like Cash Carriage or Mace Men. This should be good for at least a season.
  4. Technological Renaissance - There are different ways to interpret a renaissance. Some say we are in the midst of a technological renaissance. Why not go with that? Robo-Knights sound much cooler than regular knights. Instead of plain swords, you get laser swords. When people question the stupidity of a laser sword, tell them their archaic minds could not comprehend the science and to just try and follow along. Finish the Fair off with a Robo-Knight malfunction where the robot sparks and frightens the people back to the cars.
I don't know if you can do all of these things at once. We all know that vampires hate laser swords so you'd have to keep those separate. Regardless, I give any of these the Tor's Take Guarantee of Success.* Good luck to you, Renaissance Fair or should I say, Renaissance Awesome!

*Excludes Vermont, Montana, and Southeast Wyoming.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Awful Ways To Improve GI Joe

GI Joe was a terrible movie. I cannot fathom how it could have been worse. In fact, I think if they did any of the following things, it would still have improved my enjoyment of the film:
  1. Show little kid hands moving the vehicles.
  2. Add a 45 minute clip of my parents having sex.
  3. Replace the actors with people dying of cancer.
  4. Work the GI angle and make the soldiers constantly use the bathroom.
  5. Dressing room montage set to Heidi Montag music.
  6. Make Cobra Commander an actual CGI talking cobra that holds on to it's S's too long.
  7. Incorporate enough racial slurs to embarrass a KKK Grandmaster.
  8. Remove all the parts of the writers' brains and not just the front.*
  9. Make it a musical with song titles like "Half The Battle, I Should Have Known."
  10. Instead of a fancy ninja costume, dress Snake Eyes like a pair of fuzzy dice.
* Not confirmed that they did, just an assumption on my part.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Peeing Like A Man...Yay?

You know how gifts fall into your lap and all you can do is blog about them? There I was, conversing with friends in a mass email, when the topic of female urination came up as it is so apt to do. Anyway, Google Ads was eavesdropping and decided to offer advice.

The P-Mate! It's a funnel that cups a woman's area allowing her the masculine attribute of aimable bladder draining. Here are the simple 2 steps of instruction:

I know what you're thinking: These diagrams are only so useful. Where can I see it put into action by an actual lady (with or without head) while her dog looks embarrassed in the background?

Are you as turned on as I am?

Frankly, I like sitting to pee but, if this helps women feel equal, it's fine with me. So let it flow, my new sisters in upright urination.

In conculsion, ew.

Crow, Crow, Crow, You're Smart

This video is long but it's fascinating. And scary. The fact that a crow can figure out how to use a vending machine is scary. Can they learn that if they peck our faces at an outside cafe, we'll leave our food to avoid facial scarring? Can they learn to swarm above picnickers and release a shower of poo causing those picnickers to abandon their food to find safety? Can they learn to manipulate guns to hold our loved ones hostage while we go to a supermarket and get them food? Can they build robot crows to do all of this for them? I should stop. They may be able to learn to read my blog and get all of these ideas.

If you have the time, watch this. It's really good.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

American Idol Without Paula Is Like...

A dog with three legs.* 

If you haven't heard, Paula Abdul tweeted that she will not be returning to American Idol next season. This news is shocking and I bet it's more shocking to all the Season 9 contestants. Who's going to make them feel good about themselves? Who's going to give them that comment that keeps their deluded dreams of vocal success alive? Who's going to say ridiculous things that I can make fun of in my American Idol blogs?

Now, the Idol Hopefuls will be singing in front of the Trio of Nonconstructive Criticism: Simon "I've outgrown doing this show and would rather save my good insults for the British version" Cowell, Kara "I'm better than 95% of these people and I hate the other 5%" DioGuardi, and Randy "I become more of a caricature of my Season 1 self every episode" Jackson. It's going to be brutal. 

I would take the Paula money and reallocate it for suicide prevention. Can you imagine coming down the line after singing on stage and getting:
  1. "I wasn't feeling it. I'm a fan of yours but...ahhhh...I don't know. It was weird for me. Sorry, dawg."
  2. "I wanted you to sing something else. You have some talent but you picked the wrong song. Maybe some early Lady Gaga."
  3. "That was horrible. It was like a whirling dervish with spotted dick. I'm just being honest. Sau-ree."
No self-esteem is safe.

I'm going to miss you, Slurry McIncoherent!

* As long as the missing leg was the one that provided the dog with nothing but happy thoughts and the remaining three do nothing but criticize the dog's every move.