"Whip It" was destroyed at the box office by "Zombieland," proving once and for all that America prefers their women aimless and brainless.
A-Rod had another great season, keeping him in the company of Babe Ruth, Manny Ramirez, and Jimmie Foxx. Now it's the postseason and time to focus on staying in the company of Rafael Santana, Tommy Gregg, and Cesar Cedeno.
Conan Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. It's not the dogs fault. Everyone knows that sheriff's deputies have the tastiest meat.
Letterman Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. You know, it's cruel to think a dog can resist the smell of bacon.
Leno Version - Police dogs in Texas incorrectly made a former sheriff's deputy a suspect in a murder case. The dogs' handler is baffled but some point the finger at the sheriff's deputy cologne - Musk of OJ.
America's Funniest Home Videos will celebrate its 20th anniversary. Viewers can look forward to finding out "Where are those smacked crotches now?"
Justice Sotomayor started her first day as a Supreme Court Justice by speaking into a turned-off microphone. Unfortunately, the hazing stopped early when Justice Scalia was hit in the head by the top of Sotomayor's partially unscrewed gavel.
The adult entertainment industry is reporting that, they too, have been affected by the recession. From now on, every cup will only be assigned one girl.
Monty Python turned 40. Hard to believe it was 40 years ago that British comedy started really confusing Americans.
David Letterman apologized to his wife and female staff members during the opening of his show Monday night. This could have all been avoided if he just kept it in his worldwide pants.
Attendees of the Big E fair in Massachusetts got to eat the "Craz-E Burger," which is a bacon cheeseburger with a Krispy Kreme donut for a bun. Most people got it with a side of tombstone.
Barack Obama refused to meet with the Dalai Lama in order to keep China happy. Furthermore, he has also stopped acknowledging the existence of Sasha.
Barack Obama addressed health care reform concerns in front of doctors representing each of the 50 states. Obama only got to talk to the doctors for two minutes as he spent most of the time filling out forms and signing waivers.
Minnesota Viking Brett Favre beat his former team, the Green Bay Packers, last night on Monday Night Football. The Vikings won because they used Favre's patented double-crossing routes.
Brooke Shields and Jim Belushi survived a very minor plane crash on Friday. Wow, we were so close to Don McLean writing a song about "The Day Irrelevance Died."
American Girl has released a new doll named Gwen who is homeless. The doll comes with an outfit, a pillow, and the ability to trade your daughter's love for booze.
One of the Backstreet Boys has contracted the swine flu forcing the band to cancel their promotional tour. Maybe we're being too hasty with those vaccines.
Elizabeth Taylor is telling fans details of her heart procedure from her hospital bed via Twitter. The procedure is serious and it is probably not wise for Taylor to tweet this lightly.
Mel Gibson's drunken driving conviction has been expunged after a court ruling. Now he can go back to just being a racist and a sexist.
*I don't have an iPhone so I don't know.