Monday, November 23, 2009

Awful Ways To Improve Transformers 2

Transformers 2 was a terrible movie. There were robots that talked jive (Stewardess, I speak jive), robots that talked like Joe Pesci (Am I a robot clown?), and robots that used canes because they were old (What?). The following is a list of terrible ideas that would still improve the movie.*
  • Replace Shia LaBeouf with Fisher Stevens.
  • Have Optimus Prime contract robot AIDS.
  • Make Bumblebee an actual bumblebee and have Shia LaBeouf ride on his back after using a Honey, I Shrunk The Kids-esque shrink ray.
  • Let the Decepticons win.
  • Instead of filming it, show the screenplay being read by Gilbert Gottfried.
  • Have a Megan Fox sex scene where she unveils her own massive penis.
  • End the movie with the Zapruder film in slow motion set to "Time After Time."
  • Give four monkeys 83 seconds to write it.
  • Interrupt it with commercials for Geico.
  • Instead of robots that turn into electronic objects, base the movie on the metal boxes at the top of telephone poles.
* Yes, I did this for GI Joe over the summer.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Bite Me - Song 2 From Twilight New Moon Musical

The second song from the Twilight: New Moon Musical as presented by Freshwater Picnic. It's a beautiful song and it will be stuck in your head for weeks. You're welcome from all of us.

The song was written by Abby Holland and Ash Louis. Abby plays the Bella part. Sean McCormack plays Edward. There is a quick shot of Etan Bednarsh in there, too. Did you see him? Good eyes.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Werewolf's Delight - Featured on!!!

Score one for Freshwater Picnic!! We got featured by who is owned by Comedy Central!

Does that say "Atom Pro Video?" Yes! Please watch the video here. If the sketch group can perform well at, it can open up more doors for us in the future. Thank you for the support.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Werewolf's Delight - A Selection From The Twilight Musical

Welcome to the first (of so so so many) videos from my new sketch group, Freshwater Picnic. We are debuting with the first of four Twilight: New Moon videos. If New Moon was a musical, this is what I'd like to see performed in it.

This is Werewolf's Delight. It shows Jacob's explanation to Bella for why he hasn't been around for a while after they spent so much time together as best friends.

Without further ado, enjoy Freshwater Picnic!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/12/09

It's time for last week's rejected jokes. I got 5 jokes in last week so there are less rejected ones. Maybe there will come a week where I post an empty blog. A freelance current event joke writer can dream, can't he?

Mel Gibson's girlfriend gave birth to his eighth child, seven from his previous marriage. This spring on TLC - "Mel and Hate Plus 8."

Nicolas Cage was disheartened to learn that he owed over 6 million dollars in back taxes. This is probably a bad time to tell him about the 100 million dollars in back tickets he owes moviegoers for "Ghost Rider."

A new series of Twilight Barbie dolls, based on the popular vampire books, will hit stores in time for the holidays. So now, not only does Barbie promote impossible aesthetic standards, she promotes impossible mortality standards too.

Harvard is offering a class where students can discuss the issues of HBO's "The Wire." In related news, Juliard is offering a class on Steven Bochco's "Cop Rock."

Jessica Simpson, after finding out her sister Ashlee was fired from "Melrose Place," twittered that the show was "crap." Moments later, the President of the United States declared a National Emergency stating only, "She's sentient."

Usain Bolt adopted a baby cheetah and named it "Lightning Bolt." That's like Kirstie Alley adopting a baby whale and naming it "I Like To Eat Whole Pizzas While Hiding In A Darkened Alley."

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. When the hotel is finished, the company will move on to its next product - a car that folds into a briefcase.

A hotel in space is on schedule to open in 2012. They insist the best way to get there is to use Orbitz.

A PGA player was suspended for one year after becoming the first professional golfer to test positive for performance enhancing drugs. The golfer figured the game would be easier with smaller balls.

Jeremy Piven is claiming that drinking soy milk has given him "man boobs." Piven's doctors are advising him to jug it out.

Lady Gaga says she has plans to one day release her own clothing line. She's just waiting for evolution to give humans the right number of appendages to wear it.

A church in Los Angeles is allowing worshippers to bring their dogs with them to attend the service. The reverend got the idea when he heard Jon Gosselin went to church.

Sarah Palin is not allowing press or any electronic devices at her upcoming Wisconsin speech. After she finishes talking, she will put on cool sunglasses, use her Neuralyzer, and tell everyone she did a great job.

Australian officials are trying to get Britney Spears to admit publicly that she will be lip synching at her concerts so that ticket buyers will not be misled. Said one official, "We're just trying to be sure. Nobody wants to see her really sing."

In Oklahoma, a couple driving an SUV almost ran into an elephant that had escaped from the circus. When police asked the elephant if it remembered what happened, they stared at each other for a moment and then broke out in laughter.

Matthew McConaughey turned 40 this week. He celebrated the same way he came into the world - between a lady's legs and shirtless.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Thoughts On My New "Head Shot"

NOTE - This is not photoshopped. I swear on my wife.

The following picture is a still from a new video where I play Jacob from Twilight (coming Monday!). Like the mysterious Bigfoot, sometimes the camera catches things we did not know were real. Please don't stare at it too long. I want you to still desire other things in life besides me.

It's not everyday that the camera captures how you see yourself in your dreams. It's about time my outside caught up to the beautiful person I am on the inside. I didn't know Canon made a sexy lens attachment. (I've learned that the camera refuses to take any more pictures because it can never achieve this again. Also, the camera is pregnant.) Look at those eyes. You ladies are lucky I'm happily married because those eyes can melt your heart. Then I would catch those meltings in a cup and drink them so you would be a part of me. My shirt fought valiantly trying to contain that chest and those arms but failed. It will be missed.

I think the world needs this Kevin Tor more than it needs the one typing this blog entry.

Let's look at how the two Kevin Tors (labeled "Hot Kevin" and "Bland Kevin") would talk in life:

Bland Kevin - "I like to make people laugh."
Hot Kevin - "New studies show that I'm the best medicine."

Bland Kevin - "Hey honey, dinner is almost ready."
Hot Kevin - "Do you smell what Hot Kevin is cooking?"

Bland Kevin - "I think motorcycles are scary."
Hot Kevin - "I make love to motorcycles...slowly."

Bland Kevin - "I think I'm coming down with something."
Hot Kevin - "I sneezed once. My nose knows better than to try that again."

Bland Kevin - "Hey, can I borrow a pencil?"
Hot Kevin - "Write this down for me and I'll let you stare at my pec."

Bland Kevin - "What do you want to watch tonight?"
Hot Kevin - "I want to take you to a meadow and smear you in sap so our bodies can fuse together as one! Then, Night Court."

Bland Kevin - "I live in a nice townhouse."
Hot Kevin - "I have a sweet loft on Mount Olympus. I let Hercules crash on my futon."

Monday, November 9, 2009

Butterface on! did an article on the Top 5 Parodies of Lady Gaga's 'Poker Face.' My "Butterface" parody made the list at number 4. That sounds like an ok accomplishment but then I found out who else was on the list. I am preceded on the list by Christopher Walken, South Park, and Justin Timberlake when he was on "SNL." There's even an accompanying video. It's amazing! What am I doing on this list?

A special thanks to Sheila Marikar (or Sheils as Twitter calls her) for writing the article and calling me an "online video genius." My mom's been saying it for decades. It's good to have a non-relative say the same thing.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 11/2/09

I've been behind on the blog. I'm working on something pretty big right now but I promise to return with more than one a week. November is going to be a good month. As always, here are last week's rejected jokes from the iPhone app.

Salma Hayek told Parade magazine that she was too embarrassed by her body to accept a "Best Body" award from Fitness Magazine. After the interview, she went out and purchased 20 more low-cut dresses.

The Yankees will play the Phillies in the World Series starting Wednesday. In related news, every Mets fan looks up to the sky and yells, "Really?" before killing themselves.

Ratings for MTV's "The Hills" are down drastically this season. The network has a list of possible reasons but none of them involve the public coming to their senses. That could never happen.

Keira Knightley will star in a remake of "My Fair Lady." The producers knew Knightley was capable of doing the horrid, original Eliza voice when they watched her in any movie she's ever been in.

Jim Corzine is under criticism for an ad where Corzine accuses his opponent, Chris Christie, of "throwing his weight around." Political observers think this is an attack on Christie's weight but Corzine insists he is just "stating the fats."

In a recent episode, Kate Gosselin said that she would like to lend her voice to a character in an animated movie for her kids. The kids liked the idea but would much rather her lend her voice to their lives.

Hulu is going to start charging people to watch TV shows and movies in 2010. In more forecasting news - In 2011, Hulu is going to go out of business.

George W. Bush began his new career as a motivational speaker at a business seminar in Fort Worth, Texas. Bush did such a great job imparting his knowledge that all attendees left and ran whatever they were responsible for into the ground.

The lawyer for the Philadelphia woman who offered sex for World Series tickets is saying his client was suffering from "Phillies Fever." This is far more serious than her 2004 case of Herp-eagles.

David Spade is defending his controversial Direct TV commercial featuring the late Chris Farley by saying Farley would have been "stoked." That seems appropriate considering Spade through his legacy into the fire.

Sarah Palin has gone on record calling Levi Johnston's Playgirl shoot as "desperate." That's like the worst, bargain-basement, horrible, cheap, ridiculous, terrible pot calling the attention-starved, awful, sell-out, trashy kettle - I forgot what I was saying.

A bullet was fired at and hit the New Jersey home of CNN's Lou Dobbs. It was the first time Dobbs was involved in anything that could be considered "on target."

Mark Wahlberg and his wife, Rhea Durham, are expecting their fourth child. So he's taking the slow path to putting together another Funky Bunch.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That must be why she keeps her political abilities in a safe.

In an interview with Politico, Nancy Pelosi said that she's "not big on showing weakness." That's why she's glad she has a skull with skin and hair over it.

A ballet teacher at Point Park University is denying he posted a "fat list," consisting of the names of dance students who he wanted to lose weight. In response, the teacher said, "That's not something this university encourages. I would never do that. I don't want to end up on the Terrible Teacher List."