Friday, July 31, 2009

Tor's News Nuggets: 7/31/09

Paula Abdul continues her ongoing negotiations to return to American Idol saying she's looking for a "fair" deal out of her contract. It's all relative. What's "fair" for her is "guaranteed alcohol poisoning and drug abuse" for the rest of us.

A 17-year-old is suing for remotely deleting George Orwell's "1984" from his Kindle. A rep for claims it was done to make sure the teen understood the message of the book. The 17-year-old immediately canceled his order for "Fahrenheit 451."

A 97-year-old man got his first hole-in-one on Tuesday. It's amazing what can happen when Alzheimer's, arthritis, and poor bladder control work together.

Therapists are joining World of Warcraft in an effort to reach out to players with game addiction. Therapists will attack using "the truth" (which hurts) and "the opponent's feelings" (which can't be run away from).

John Daly has inked a deal to star in a new reality show. Title - American Idle

John Daly has inked a deal to star in a new reality show. Title - Golfin' Your Ass Off

John Daly has inked a deal to star in a new reality show. Title - Project Subway w/ host Jared

John Daly has inked a deal to star in a new reality show. Title - The Biggest Boozer

John Daly has inked a deal to star in a new reality show. Title - I Ate My Big Brother

Thursday, July 30, 2009

A Mets Fan Goes To Cooperstown

The Baseball Hall of Fame is Disney World for baseball fans. It's simple. I got giddy as soon as I started seeing all of the baseball memorabilia. But being a Mets fan at the Baseball Hall of Fame is kinda like being a fan of foil at the Hershey's Museum. There's probably going to be some mention about it being the wrapping of choice but in the end, it's all about the Yankees - I mean chocolate.

When you are a Mets fan, there's Tom Seaver and...uhh...well...uhh...hmmm. You have to travel through 2/3 of the Hall before you even find Tom Seaver. Granted, it's in chronological order and the Mets weren't around until 1962 but it still takes a long time to see Mets stuff. I even had my wife take pictures of New York Giants memorabilia because it was close enough.

Well, there's Tom Seaver!

Once we got to the Seaver portion of the Hall, we stayed. We set up camp and lived off a rationed lollipop in the shape of Dave Winfield (on clearance since 2002). At one point, some people in Reds apparel came by and we stared them down until they left. Seaver belongs to us. After four days of worship, we moved on.

At the time of wearing, my shirt was not "retro."

If there was any indication of the lack of respect for all things Mets at the Hall of Fame, it came in the locker room section of the current teams. They have a room where each team gets a locker. The contents of the locker are bats, gloves, cleats, and so on from memorable moments in the team's recent history. Along with that is a jersey for a great player from that team. I imagined David Wright or Johan Santana but no. The Hall of Fame selected a Tom Glavine jersey. Tom Glavine, the most hated Mets player in recent memory. Thanks, Hall.

If you take away the fact that the Mets don't have a lot of Cooperstown-worthy greatness, the Hall of Fame is fantastic. Seeing Hank Aaron's section and realizing how amazing his career was. Walking through the plaques of all the inductees. There was even a Newark Bears hat for Rickey Henderson. (Did you read that? The Newark Bears are almost as well-repesented as the Mets. Alright, I'm done!) If you love baseball, go. But don't start a fire when camping out in front of Tom Seaver's wall. They hate that. We caused the sprinklers to turn on and ruined the area dedicated to the current World Champions. Eat it, Phillies.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

NoBuddies - Actor Whisperer Part 2 (Episode 12)

Sometimes things make me laugh. Other times, they make me cry. And then there are times when I just start swinging my fists around for no good reason. Part 2 of "Actor Whisperer" will make you do all three.* Tune in and partake in online television history as NoBuddies airs a 12th episode for the first time in any of its many seasons of existence. We couldn't have done it without you.

Girl got deep into her method training for Football Princess 2. The gang brings in the Actor Whisperer to talk her down. Does it work?

Bill - William Franke
Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Alexis - Catherine Nicora
AW - Dan Truman

Directed by William Franke
Written by William Franke, Sean McCormack, & Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rokamic (ccMixter)
"Montage" by Kevin MacLeod

* Only 2 are guaranteed. The "chosen people" will do all 3.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Omar Minaya's Other Accusations

I guess I'm in a Mets mood today. They just inspire me of late. Yesterday, Omar Minaya fired VP Tony Bernazard after news came out that, among other things, Bernazard removed his shirt and challenged the Double-A Binghamton Mets to a fight. Minaya held a press conference to announce the firing and then used the podium to throw out a wild accusation at Daily News reporter, Adam Rubin. Minaya stated that Rubin, who reported on most of Bernazard's transgressions, did so to position himself to take Bernazard's job. He based this on rumors that Rubin inquired about a job in player development. Rubin denies going after Bernazard's job and it's a huge error in judgment on Minaya's count regardless of whether he's right or not. 

On the bright side, this was the least ridiculous on Minaya's list of accusations. Tor's Take was able to get its hands on the list and we want to share them with you.
  • Shane Victorino gets his speed by eating Hawaiian babies.
  • Steve Phillips invented razor burn.
  • Billy Beane did not come up with the Moneyball system. It was Fred Moneyball, an accountant in Iowa.
  • The Ghost of Andre Dawson* is responsible for the infamous "Natinals" jerseys.
  • The moon landings of 1969 were faked not to boost American morale but to take attention away from the Mets' improbable championship.
  • Manny Ramirez took female fertility drugs because he wants to steal the identity of Tracy Chapman.
  • Bobby Valentine cheats at Sudoku while dressed like a Harajuku girl. 
  • Ryan Church was planning an elaborate kidnapping scheme targeting Mr. Mets' children.
  • David Ortiz started hitting home runs again because he replaced his belly fat with bionic belly fat.
  • Willie Randolph's telekinetic powers, housed behind his enormous forehead, kept him from being fired two months sooner.
  • Keith Hernandez dyes his hair gray in order to get the Just For Men endorsement deal.
  • The New York Post has the most imaginative headlines in journalism.
* Tor's Take is aware that Andre Dawson is alive but Minaya's craaaaaaaazy.

    Meet The Mets, Grandpa

    I have a 93-year-old grandfather who moves around better than I do and gets mentally sharper by the day. My grandpa is the nicest old man you will ever meet. He likes to talk whether he knows you or not. (Word to the wise: If you smile back to what he says, he's going to talk to you for a good hour so just something to think about.) If you do engage him in conversation, speak up. His hearing isn't what it used to be. When I talk to him on the phone, I have to put the phone on the counter, lean in, and use my diaphragm. In his over 93 years of existence, there are rumors that he left the town limits once or twice but I don't give them any credence. The man knows his neighborhood and anything beyond is foreign, uncharted, and potentially dangerous territory.

    My grandpa has become a big Mets fan over the past 10 years or so. My grandma became a Yankees fan later in her life and he just wanted to root against her so he went with the Mets. That's 60+ years of love right there. My grandma left us a couple of years ago and now he spends his days watching the Mets and Yankees, shaking his head when the former loses and the latter wins. There's a lot of head shaking going on this year. Regardless, baseball passes the time for him.

    This leads us to yesterday. I had extra tickets to the game and my wife and I thought about how great it would be to get Grandpa to go. The problem was that the Mets don't play in Elmwood Park, New Jersey. They play in the aforementioned foreign, uncharted, and potentially (currently upgrading to definitely) dangerous territory of Not Elmwood Park, New Jersey. So we kidnapped him. I brought my mother (the convincer) and father (the muscle) and we got him in the car.

    The car ride was going to be the tough part. We told him it was only 30 miles to the stadium and left out that it takes 2 hours to travel that distance. He's been around almost 94 years, he might not notice 2 hours, right? Didn't matter. We got to the game in about 50 minutes which was the fastest I've ever done it. Luck, God, Billy Mays, they were all on our side.

    Watching my wide-eyed grandpa walk through CitiField is something I will always remember. Everything was "so big" and there were "a lot of Mets fans." When we told the elevator operator that this was his first time at a game, she said, "ever?" She followed that with, "Is he from this country?" We laughed and then I punched her in the face yelling, "DON'T YOU EVER MAKE FUN OF MY GRANDPA!!" We hurried out of there and to our seats.

    The game started off poorly. The Mets got down 3-1 early. Grandpa spent most of the time enamored with the Jumbotron (and shaking his head, of course). He told me Oliver Perez "stinks" and they should "get him out of there." Manuel listened. Perez came out and the game turned around. The Mets tied it and Tatis, for Grandpa, hit a grand slam to put the game out of reach. K-Rod came in for the ninth and finished it up while Grandpa mimicked K-Rod's celebratory hand gestures. The night was a huge success.

    Grandpa spent the car ride home babbling like a 3rd grader after the Greatest Field Trip in the History of the World. He enjoyed every second of it but he was glad to be back home where I'm sure he'll watch the game again on his kitchen television where the threat of Queens can't get to him. Thanks to the Mets for coming through and making the night a success. You brought joy to a man that has brought me so much and because of that, I forgive you for this season.

    And you said the Mets don't do anything great. Look at that smile.

    Friday, July 24, 2009

    Historical Twitter

    These are some historical tweets I would definitely had retweeted if there was twitter in those days and, also, if I was alive.

    RT @THEREALCopernicus I totally nailed the sun thing. #inyourgrecianfaces

    RT @AlexTheGr8 I expect you all to put me and only me down for #followfriday.

    RT @WillWallace If they ever retell my life, they better make it so I get a girl, like a princess or something. I deserve it.

    RT @JuliusCZer Walking to the Senate on this beautiful Ides night. Drinks after with @manthony.

    RT @HonestAbe Doing a 5 minute spot at Gettysburg today.

    RT @OfficialAristotle Waxing intellectually with @Plate_Ohhh. Going to convince him it's worth studying animals.


    RT @LeoFromVinci Trying to do a portrait of @lisagherardini but she won't give me a good smile. #artfail

    Thursday, July 23, 2009

    Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Jurassic Park Dance Remix

    It may not be "funny" but I don't want to start another category. Heck, it's funny that it exists. Let's go with that. This should have about a million more views. Give it a chance. Once you get to the 1:30 part, it's on like the pteranodon from Part III. Live it and love it. Thanks, DJ Jonny Burns.

    Wednesday, July 22, 2009

    Tor's News Nuggets: 7/22/09

    The President addressed critics of his All-Star Game-worn "mom jeans" by saying "they're comfortable." He then took a swig from his Sprite Zero, pulled on an embroidered Disney sweatshirt, and hopped in his minivan.

    Stephen Baldwin filed for bankruptcy. Man, if it can happen to the guy who was good enough to replace Rick Moranis in the Flintstones sequel, it can happen to anyone.

    Sarah Palin violated ethics laws by allowing a fund to be set up to defend her against ethics violations. Palin admitted she was wrong and if she could go back in time, she would have gotten rid of all ethics laws to begin with.

    A 7.8 magnitude earthquake has actually brought New Zealand and Australia closer together. I think we found an acceptable replacement for Dr. Phil.

    A 600-pound tortoise was deemed too large for a Kansas zoo and, therefore, was not kept. Confused about the whole thing, the zoo's elephants.

    An amateur astronomer, who claims to spend about "20 hours a week" observing Jupiter, discovered a new spot on the surface. Scientists think that a meteor the size of Earth crashed into the planet while Jupiter thinks the guy is creepy and will be installing curtains.

    My Joke In Reader's Digest!!

    My everything bagel joke (the joke that keeps on giving) is in this month's issue of Reader's Digest! Click the following image to enlarge.

    Or, if you would rather save your clicking finger for something better, you can just look at the zoomed-in image here. We here at Tor's Take care about you and your finger clicking needs.

    It is pretty cool to have a joke published. Thanks to Reader's Digest.

    Tuesday, July 21, 2009

    Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Just For Creepy Dads and Daughters

    This commercial bothers me so much. The mother isn't around, hopefully because she died and not because she couldn't take the strange relationship between her daughter and husband. I'm sure this is going to come out sexist but I don't think daughters step up in times of crisis to become the "woman of the house." If I'm in this position ever (I pray not. I don't want a daughter.), the most spousey thing my daughter's allowed to do is get a job to pay some bills. I guess it's time to scratch Electra off our list of baby names. Don't want to chance ending up like this freak family. Did they go out for dinner after this to celebrate, then throw caution to the wind and fly to Paris? I must go vomit now.

    Monday, July 20, 2009

    My Thoughts On The Mets

    A true test of fandom is staying a fan through the downtimes, when your team is being blown out 50 percent of the time. This is where the Mets are at right now. My fandom is being tested. It's getting so bad that when I get on the train wearing my Mets hat, Yankee fans say things like "It'll turn around" and they aren't being cruel. When Yankee fans are treating you with kid gloves, action is necessary.

    Sometimes the best action is inaction. The Mets could shut it down for the season, put up a "Pardon Our Appearance" sign with Mr. Met wearing a hard hat, and look forward to a healthy 2010. The rest of the year could be used as a chance for fans to come see the Mets' stars of tomorrow. Wilmer Flores can play shortstop. Brad Holt and John Niese can get some starts. Let the youth bring joy to the ticket holders. Then, when we least expect it, they start rattling off wins. Each win causes a portion of clothing to be removed from a life-size, Omar Minaya cutout in the locker room and these new Mets want to see Minaya in a bikini!

    Alright, the Mets are not the thing of movies these days. If anything, it's "Terms of Endearment" with the team being Debra Winger and the fans, Shirley MacClaine. (Also acceptable, "Titanic" if you take out the party in steerage.) The Mets are not good right now. They can't will themselves to win. Their wins come when they pitch well, hit well, and play perfect defense. If any of those slip, they lose. The pressure to play perfect baseball every night is too much. That's why you have a great win like the 5-1 game on Saturday and back that up with 7-1 beating yesterday.

    I don't think a trade would be the answer, unless we can get Pujols for Tatis straight up. Tatis did put up Pujols-esque numbers* when he played with the Cardinals (.298 BA, 34 HR, 107 RBI). And that's the sad thing about it. Unless we can get Pujols, there is no trade out there that can right this ship. Matt Holliday is available but we have no success negotiating with Billy Beane and he is not hitting like he did when he was with the Rockies (go figure). Roy Halladay would cost us the farm and we are not one great pitcher away from a World Series run. I pray that Minaya will not panic and make a move that hurts our 2010 and beyond chances.

    Injuries are an unfortunate part of baseball. The Mets were affected by them too much to prevail. I have this fear that David Wright got seriously injured in June but the Mets couldn't take away the face of the franchise. The fans would have thrown themselves off the Promenade. So they cloned him, forgetting to include the portions with plate coverage. I truly feel we would be atop the East with a whole season of our Opening Day starters. It just didn't happen.

    Am I giving up on 2009? No, I'm a Mets fan and I can't do that. I don't want the ghost of Tug McGraw to haunt me for the rest of time. I want the team to have fun. Forget about winning. I think the fans understand that this season was out of our hands. Maybe if the the team relaxes, we might have some good results. You never know what can happen. This is baseball and standing in the on-deck circle could be something Amazin'.

    Let's Go Mets!

    * If Pujols decided to stop playing baseball after the All-Star Break and take up needlepoint.

    Friday, July 17, 2009

    Tor's News Nuggets: 7/17/09

    Alabama Senator Sessions, at the Sotomayor hearings, misspoke and said that he and Patrick Leahy of Vermont were "going to do that crack cocaine thing." The senator meant that they needed to schedule a hearing to discuss sentencing in crack cocaine cases. Afterwards, Sessions said, "What makes it worse is that it was televised so everyone saw my huge boner."

    A U.S. man, who was the first double-hand transplant patient, is still unable to feel. "I don't think he'll be able to play piano, either," said his unloved wife of 20 years.

    A study shows that a single spelling mistake on a job application can ruin your chances of getting a job. The most common spelling mistake is "Dear Sir or Madman." Greg Bishop, a boss at Metlar's Savings and Loan, said "It shows a lack of caring. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to blow up the moon!"

    A Wyoming man, who was camping with his family, fought off an attacking mountain lion with a chainsaw. The man was very nervous but just really glad he sprung for the most extensive Swiss Army Knife ever made.

    A Missouri truck dealership is offering a free AK-47 with any truck purchase. I would hold out until they offer a jug of moonshine with four x's on it, a spittoon, and some other person-from-the-heartland stereotype. Might I suggest a farm animal to have sex with?

    The Treasury Department canceled plans to hire a cartoonist to boost morale. Instead, they hired someone to teach them what "boost" means.

    Wednesday, July 15, 2009

    Rejected 7-Eleven Slurpees

    7-Eleven has been doing a promotion this summer where they create a new slurpee flavor and tie it into a movie. For example, they made Apocalyptic Ice for "Terminator: Salvation." They also just launched the Liquid Artillery Slurpee for "G.I. Joe." But what slurpees didn't make the cut for the summer? I've got the answers.
    1. Haunted and Shirtless Fizzie ("Ghosts of Girlfriends Past")
    2. Soon, I'll Have 2 Bedrooms! Cooler ("My Sister's Keeper")
    3. Frozen Jack and Coke Slurpee ("The Hangover")
    4. Neurotic Sweat Juice ("Whatever Works")
    5. Nectar of Additional Box Office Failure ("Imagine That")
    6. Extract of Bruno ("Bruno")
    7. Undeserved Love Blend ("Orphan")
    8. 300 Reasons To Suck Slurpee ("The Ugly Truth")
    9. Vocal Furry Rodent Float ("G-Force")
    10. Public Enemy Number Punch ("Public Enemies")

    Sunday, July 12, 2009

    Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Saving Private Ryan End Credits

    Picnicface makes great comedy. If you don't know them, you should. This is so great.

    Friday, July 10, 2009

    First Draft Movie Lines

    This Twitter trend was probably one of my favorites. You take a famous movie line and you write what it might have been originally. Simple? Sure. Hilarious? I hope so.
    • "I am serious and my name is not the homophone of the first word in your incredulous question."
    • "Do you like apples? Oh, you don't. Do you think you could pretend to for the purposes of my burn? You can't? Alright. Thanks, anyway."
    • "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot which would lead you to believe I would pollute which I can assure you is the furthest thing from the truth."
    • "Khaaaaan! Are you there, Khan? I just went through a tunnel and...damn it!"
    • "I'm going to get you, my pretty, or I'm going to get your little dog. Or....both! Yeah, both!"
    • "Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Those are your only two options. I'm going to need an answer. I got places to be."
    • "Mama always said these sayings to me that were real simple life similes because I'm too retarded for real talk."
    • "Houston, the shuttle's broken! This cannot be presented as an understatement!"
    • "I'm at such an advanced age that I really would rather not encounter shit."
    • "May this mystical Jedi power remain with you on your travels."
    • "This. Is. Sparta! I'm surprised you didn't know that. There was a sign about 100 yards back."
    • "I see dead people. (Winks and points at Bruce Willis) Did you get that? I. See. (Points again) Dead people."
    • "We're going jogging naked so our less than attractive physiques can be made a spectacle of!"
    • "I feel like royalty with my arms stretched out like this on the front of this supposedly secure ocean liner!"
    • "You call that a knife? I guess it is but, in Australia, we have a different set of standards for our cutlery."
    • "Is my wife's head in that box?"
    • "Sometimes floating plastic bags make me cry."
    • "I feel the need. The need to fly this airplane really really fast."
    • "I'm not even supposed to have a shift at this Quick Stop convenience store today."
    • "I'm going to make him an offer and then I'm going to put on my angry face. There's no way he'll say no."
    • "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! It tickles! (Giggling Heston)"
    • "This terminator will return...right after these messages."
    • "I'll have the same meal that gave that woman an orgasm."
    • "Carpe Diem. That means 'Seize the Day' in Orkan, boys."
    • "You're my agent. Get the money and put it where I can see it!"
    • "I don't think you would like the truth if I gave it to you."
    • "Hey, my reflection, did you just say something to me?"
    • "Every time you hear a bell ring, it means it's noon in heaven."
    • "We all get freaky deaky and dress up like our moms sometimes."
    • "I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. But they raped him. A lot."
    • "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Or a hot dog vendor. Ooo, or a dental technician."
    • "Are you not entertained?!? Because I could kill opponents in this arena all day!"

    Tuesday, July 7, 2009

    Tor's News Nuggets: 7/7/09

    An Arizona Senator made a pitch to allow uranium mining north of the Grand Canyon stating that the Earth has been around for "6000 years" and, therefore, the mining won't hurt it. She has no concept of time. This is probably why she agreed to serve a 9 minute term.

    Sarah Palin is saying, "I am not a quitter; I am a fighter," in regards to her leaving the post of Alaskan Governor. She also stated she's "a beloved citizen, a staunch Pro-choice activist, and a father of two moon babies" to finish up her Opposite Day Address.

    Authorities are reporting they had to remove 42 tons of trash from a homeowner's property. It's really unfortunate that the Neverland Ranch auction wasn't more successful.

    Michael Jackson's body will actually make an appearance at his Memorial which makes it different from the last 15 years of our lives.

    Four people were injured during the famous running of the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. The bulls will try to do a better job next year.

    Microsoft is warning of a new security hole in Internet Explorer that will make it even easier for hackers to gain access to your PC. "This is a great opportunity for me," said Joe Clemens, the world's worst hacker.

    Monday, July 6, 2009

    Evian Babies = Noooooo!

    The Evian Babies are the latest in disturbing ads aimed at making me want to run headfirst into an axe.

    I've gone off on diatribes about the wrongitude* of babies talking or dancing or whatever other computer-generated activity they are made to do. Who needs to hear all that again? Instead, let's look at what else is wrong with this. Where are their parents? Where are the knee pads? Where are the helmets? Do they figure the bones are so soft they can fuse them back together? Are we to believe that these babies have the same musical interests as the rapping grandma from "The Wedding Singer?" The only thing I would agree with is the use of a onesie. That has to be really freeing to skate in. Think how easy it must be to land a kickflip without baggy pant legs getting in the way. Maybe we'll see onesies at the X Games. Get on it, Element.

    * Also acceptable: inappropriaciousness, awfulty, jail meriting

    Thursday, July 2, 2009

    Tor's News Nuggets: 7/2/09

    Bernie Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison. Weird, that's the same amount of time it will take me to understand what a Ponzi scheme is.

    South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is refusing to step down from office in spite of his unprofessional behavior. In fact, he is going to hold his breath until everyone agrees.

    Mississippi was voted the fattest state in the country for the fifth straight year. To celebrate, the governor's taking everyone out for ice cream.

    Pat Boone, the singer from the 50s and 60s turned conservative political activist, is convinced that Barack Obama was born outside the U.S. and states Americans deserve to see Obama's birth certificate. I think Americans would rather see Pat Boone's death certificate.

    It has been announced that Kevin Jonas is engaged prompting every middle school guy to reply, "To a dude, right? I knew it," which prompted every middle school girl to say, "Shut up! Ok, don't panic. There's still 2. The odds are worse, sure, but I can do it," which prompted every middle school math teacher to go, "She said odds? Really? And she knew they were worse? It's moments like these that make it all worth it."

    A new study shows that having sex daily leads to healthier sperm. The study was paid for by every married man in the world.