Monday, December 28, 2009

10 Things Husbands Should Never Do (First Draft)

I was on Yahoo and they had an article "10 Things Husbands Should Never Do" from Woman's Day. As a husband to a great wife, I decided to click on it. Loly and I perused the article together. She decided it was the most sexist thing she's ever read. (What a drama queen. Right, fellas?) Anyway, what's crazy is that it was much better than the original draft the columnist handed in. Tor's Take was able to get a copy to show you. Enjoy (though you probably shouldn't).

Guys, we love you, we really do. Please believe us! You just have to! But as wonderful and superior as you are, sometimes you do things that upset us. Yes, we know how silly it is because everything upsets us because we rely too much on our feelings as you constantly (and rightly so) remind us. But please hear us out as we don't get to write things very often because we never have important things to say. Sorry I'm going on and on but you know how we like to yammer when we get a soapbox. We promise this won't get in the way of dinner. Please, please, don't ever...

1. Offer to "babysit" your own kids. It drives us crazy when you do this. You work hard all day to provide us with the materials to tend to your nutritional and comfort needs. Why would you have to do this too? Your job is to be the kids' favorite because you never play the bad guy. Our job is to nurture them for 18 years while you judge the job we do. So watch the game. We'll get your beer, slippers, and chips for you.

2. Imply that office work is harder than housework. There's no need to imply this. Of course it's harder. You need a degree to get an office job and that's something our brains aren't equipped to obtain. That's why we took an easy class like home economics in high school while you took that manly wood shop class where you learned how to build your own office out of wood or so we think. We also appreciate how you dumb down your answer to "How was your day, honey?" to "Fine" because anything more than that would give us a headache and not allow us to satisfy you properly in bed later.

3. Give a home appliance as a gift. First off, that would be like 3 or 4 gifts as they are expensive. However, we don't deserve material things. For what? Birthdays? You don't want us to get older so why celebrate that? For anniversaries? Your staying with us for ANY amount of time is present enough. The appliances that we have now are more than sufficient for getting our jobs done and, if they break, it is our fault for not using them properly. Everyone knows that.

4. Buy us the "cougar" perfume. We refer you back to the gift argument. Besides, your telling us how old we're getting is more than enough.

5. Brag about your driving. You are a fantastic driver. That's why we didn't argue when you took our license away. With grocery stores delivering these days, we don't need to be out on the road endangering the other males of society. That being said, we don't need you bragging about your driving prowess. We'd be more than happy to tell you how great a driver you are from the passenger seat you graciously allow us to inhabit. Shall we mark you down for a complement every 10 minutes? Splendid.

6. Be unimpressed by a meal that took a lot of time and trouble. Oh God, don't be unimpressed! We'll make you another one in a jiffy. Watch TV and a new delicious dinner will be in front of you before you know it. Don't be mad. How about we let your younger, more attractive secretary join us in the bedroom? Would that calm you down? Consider it done. You can even vocally compare our bodies. We don't mind.

7. Buy clothes without trying them on. There's no need for you to buy clothes. We can make them from scratch for less money. Then you can use that money to go out to bars and cheat on us. Looking in the mirror in the morning, we know that we're not enough woman for you. So let us make you something fancy so you can trade up.

8. Know it all, especially in public. We know how much smarter you are than us. There is no need to show this in public. It's a waste of your time. You can be using this time to talk bad about us to your friends, complain about the shortcomings of your favorite football team, or, again, find a sexier mistress.

9. Say anything remotely critical about our new haircut. This really upsets us because it's not the haircut that's the problem. It's the whole package. We do hours of yoga and pilates but it's not going to make enough of a difference. We know the haircut is pointless but we have to try something. Suicide is the right answer but then who will take care of the kids while you're out working or dating? We have to think of you.

10. Expect a medal for doing a little housework. Don't expect a medal because it spoils the surprise. We've been in the garage (using all of our "outdoor time" for the week) smelting you a medal for putting your clothes in the hamper and you ruin everything by expecting it. Women have so few joys in life - satisfying you in bed at any cost, watching you eat, humming to ourselves, greeting you at the door, and making you a "World's Most Generous Husband" medal by melting down all the jewelry our mothers and grandmothers passed on to us. Don't destroy what little happiness our gender deserves by taking that away.

Wow. That was definitely much worse than what they published. It almost makes the published version seem progressive and pro-feminism. I guess well done, Women's Day, and you might want to look into getting counseling for the columnist.

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