Tor Baby Countdown: 46 Days

Tomorrow, my wife and I are attending childbirth class. I hesitated signing up for this because I felt like everything I needed to know was taught to me by Zack Morris when he delivered Mr. Belding's baby in the school elevator. If Zack Morris can deliver a baby and keep Tori calm in the aftermath of an earthquake, how hard can it be? Then again, he got 1502 on his SATs.

I'm guessing we will learn the basic breathing techniques. Your traditional hoo hoo hees. One problem: My wife gets dizzy very easily so I'm concerned. I'm going to have to sit next to her with smelling salts throughout the birth. Nothing but the doctor saying "And pus- Is she out again?!?" and me bringing her back.

I hope they teach the non-birthing attendees how to avoid getting their hands crushed. Scientists have found that a pregnant woman's grip has the same force of an adult African elephant's step in a stampede. Adding in the heat that a pregnant woman generates, she could turn coal into a diamond. (This is still in the trial phase. Pregnant women don't like to hold dirty things while giving birth.)

This is an elephant sitting, not a pregnant woman.

Maybe the hospital provides a fake hand made out of the same material they make sex toys out of. They make them very realistic these days. My wife can squeeze one of those instead and I won't need X-rays. The birth is going to cost enough.

Never would have thought this would be in my baby blog.

We actually aren't interested in learning about the delivery. My wife and I agree that the baby will come out and the doctor will tell us what to do to make that happen. It's like landing a plane. It works out no matter what.

We signed up for these classes for two things - to see the maternity ward and kind of get our bearings and to get some quick tips on handling a newborn. It's important to not bring the baby into the world in a place the parents have never seen. Babies can sense discomfort. As for the tips, I don't really remember everything from home ec class when we carried an egg around for a week.

The new home ec eggs are crazy.

It's an all-day affair so I might live tweet it if they let me have my phone. If you want to tune in, follow me.