Thursday, April 8, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 54 Days

The "Time Out" is something that did not exist when I was a child. Truthfully, I wouldn't have known about it if it did. My parents raised me to never do anything wrong. If there is a law or a rule, I can't bring myself to go against it. I'm pretty sure they used the Clockwork Orange eye holders and episodes of Sesame Street lined with subliminal messages.

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter "Kevin gets sick if he fails."

The "Time Out" is a predetermined amount of time that a child has to go to a spot in the house and do nothing but think about what he did wrong. It is a time for the child to meditate, to contemplate the mistakes, and based on what I have overseen at other parents' houses, to whine and scream until the parent lets them leave.

The problem is that parents, on average, are not stern enough. The "Time Out" has to be an understanding between the child and the parents. I plan on having my wife draw up a contract for our daughter to sign via hand stamp. (We did the same thing with our dogs when we got them.) If the parents don't stick to it, the child won't either.

Another problem is stores selling things like this:
Time Out should be a scary place. It is not a place for imagination to trigger a dream world of adventure. There shouldn't be painted animals welcoming you. It should be Toddler Hell. It should have walls that converge on the child. There should be a confessional like on a reality show where he can apologize. There should a chair made out of fresh cut onions so he cries whether he wants to or not. You have to train those tear ducts.

Our daughter will understand Time Out and respect it. Hopefully, she will inherit her inability to do wrong from me. Her mother is too much of a rebel.

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