Tor Baby Countdown: 42 Days

It's Tuesday and Baby Center has given us a new fruit. The baby is a cantaloupe this week. Last week, the baby was a pineapple. It's odd that the baby would shrink from one week to the next but who am I to question nature? Maybe babies are like balloons and Week 33 is the week the mother's body takes a break from "inflation" so the baby shrinks. It makes sense. Can I patent the Tor Balloon Baby Theory?

At the childbirth class, they showed us two videos. The first one was the one I talked about yesterday with the coconut imagery. It featured a handful of women going through natural childbirth. The second video was women who elected to have an epidural. The difference between the women in each video was like night and a day that starts with breakfast in bed followed by winning the lottery, having a monument named after you, the elimination of things you can't stand from the world, dinner cooking itself, and Lost having a satisfying ending.

I don't know why a woman would want to go through natural childbirth. A quick Google search says the following:

"Natural childbirth helps you find a strength you never knew you had."

So does losing all of your loved ones in a cruise ship disaster that you couldn't go on because you had a work deadline but it's not something you want to experience. It's not good to know your own strength. Finding out your own strength is always preceded by someone getting their arm broken or a hole appearing in a wall. "Guess she didn't know her own strength."

"Natural childbirth lets you experience labor as nature intended."

Nature also intends for us to walk around naked and to learn things, not with computers, but by asking other people all while lions and bears try to eat you. Do you want to gather information from people with no clothes on while eluding dangerous predators? Because that's what nature wants. It wants to watch that over and over as payback for the Discovery Channel.

Bears like Al Gore.

"Natural childbirth increases your confidence."

So does winning a duel at 10 paces with muskets but I don't recommend trying. I feel like creating a baby and holding it in your arms is enough of an ego boost without the excruciating pain. I might be wrong.

I don't want to sound like a drug dealer but what's wrong with feeling good? You deserve it. You've been having restless nights for months. Your body is being stretched in ways it shouldn't leaving marks as proof. Your organs are being used for baby stress relief. There's no need to scream your way to the conclusion. You've been through enough. Just take a hit. In your spine.