Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 55 Days

When I mention to people who are parents that my wife is having trouble sleeping because of baby discomfort, they say some version of "Tell her to get used to it." (Because sleep is going to be hard to come by when the baby arrives.) Hey Oooooooohhhhhh! Stop dispensing obvious advice. We don't need the hackneyed responses.

It is hard for my wife to sleep these days. She has a living thing pushing around inside of her trying to make room. Her latest pain is located at the base of her rib cage. The doctor today told her that it was the baby trying to force the rib cage to flare out at the bottom. The baby needs more room and, at this stage in her development, she doesn't understand that bone should not be moved. Fortunately, she doesn't possess the power to break bone. Unfortunately for my wife, she's not going to stop trying.

Don't tell my wife but I like this trait in our daughter. She's like Sean Connery in "The Rock." Ain't no prison gonna hold her! She's going to help Nicolas Cage navigate my wife's uterus before Ed Harris performs a C-Section.

"Seriously, that's the stomach up there?"

This means I'm going to have to reconfigure the crib. There can't be bars or a lack of roof. She needs to be confined but still feel her parents' love. Maybe something like they put Hannibal Lecter in. Plexiglass with some air holes. There can be a drawer to hand stuffed animals or my wife's breast through. Anything she's going to need for consolation while she sleeps.


Is my daughter going to be a felon? Probably not. We are going to do our best to raise her right. The upside is that if she is going to be sentenced to prison, it's nice to know that we can expect her home sooner than the state would like.