Tor Baby Countdown: 43 Days

My wife and I went to childbirth class on Saturday. The rest of this blog entry is not for the faint of heart. This is a warning. For the people who run the childbirth class, a warning is a set of words that caution people from what they are about to experience. Look into it!

The class is run by a doula. A doula is like a witch doctor or a gypsy. Their job is to cast a spell over the pregnant woman, making the woman feel like she needs the doula to have the baby. The partner becomes unnecessary and the woman and doula enjoy the birth together. They are evil and their day will come.

Either a doula, the Sun Maid Raisin girl, or both.

Frankly, I don't know why there is this much effort put forth in teaching people how to deliver a baby. Animals push babies out every day. They don't have breathing exercises or doctors. We are a weak species. Can't we just set the hospital up to look like a prom? We can have a theme. There can be robes made of organza and tulle. They already call them gowns. Doctors and nurses chaperone. Then the mothers can sneak off to the bathroom when ready.

The prom theme is TLC's "Baby Baby Baby"

I had a problem with the class. I don't know if I've made that apparent. They showed us a video of childbirth. A couple of months ago, a Bollywood director said he would pay anyone who could sit through his horror film $10,000. I don't know if it could be more gruesome than this film. Halfway through this video, I turned to my wife and said, "Is it too late to turn back?"

I will spare you the details but there was one scene where the mother was in the middle of pushing the baby out. The baby was crowning which looks like a coconut trying to come out of a balloon. To keep the analogy going, the doctor asked the mother if she wanted to touch the coconut! I thought, "No, she's not going to touch the coconut. That wouldn't be right." SHE REACHED DOWN MID-LABOR AND TOUCHED THE COCONUT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?!?!

You can't unsee this! You can't!

I fear what's going to happen now. I think the class was supposed to make me feel better. To put me at ease. It did not. I'm more rattled, more worried for my wife than ever. Sometimes it's ok to stay in the dark. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. Ignorance isn't a punishment. It's bliss. I miss bliss.

I also miss Miss Bliss.