Tor Baby Countdown: 49 Days

Finally, Baby Center and I can get on the same page with the fruit/baby size comparison. We are at 33 weeks and the baby is the size of a pineapple and based on the discomfort level of my wife, just as pointy. A pineapple is a good metaphor for what I'd like our daughter to be - sweet, thick-skinned (to deal with all of the teasing she will get about her father), yellow (jaundice?). Let's move on.

We are officially at the point where we should have a packed bag for the hospital. The baby can really come anytime now. It's like a complicated bomb with lots of wires, tubes, and strange liquids only no one put a clock on it. Did I just compare my baby to a bomb? Yes I did but you got all judgmental before I explained that the bomb would explode shards of happiness and love shrapnel everywhere. Feel bad?

This is what you get when you type "love shrapnel" into Google. Nice!

The list of suggested things to bring by Baby Center is broken up into 4 parts - For the mom during labor, For the partner during labor, Postpartum, and For the baby.

For the mom during labor - They recommend bringing all the necessary paperwork (driver's license, insurance cards, hospital forms). I'm glad this is her job because I hate having to remember things in a rush. Someone has to be the calm one. You should bring a bathrobe and slippers. Eyeglasses if you need them. Toiletries. Under toiletries is "makeup." They recommend makeup. Is this important?

"Am I presentable enough for my baby?"

Can a husband be that much of a tyrant? Why not a full oven so she can whip up her partner a nice lasagna to sustain him through labor? They also recommend something pleasant to focus on like a picture. My plan is to hold a wooden frame around my head and make "I love you" faces.

For the partner during labor - A camera or camcorder to capture the memories. Not necessary. I plan on putting an artist's rendering of hell in the scrapbook and have horrific screams occur whenever you open to that page. Toiletries. Snacks to taunt the woman in the bed who can't eat anything but ice chips. Something to read. (It doesn't say but probably noise-canceling headphones because she will be pretty audible.) And my favorite, a bathing suit. Sometimes during labor, a woman will want to get in the shower to help her calm down. The bathing suit is recommended so you can join her and help her. I don't find this weird. I was actually wearing a bathing suit when we conceived.

Postpartum - A fresh nightgown because your baby should be the only one sitting in filth. Any leftover snacks you may have from during labor can be given to the mom. So that raisin you didn't want or the cold fries at the bottom of the bag are her property now. A book on newborn care. It's never too late to cram, I say. Why learn in 9 months what you can skim in 10 minutes? And finally, a going home outfit which, if you are wearing makeup to labor, has to be eye-popping hotness. I'm thinking this.

It gives your belly room to breathe. It kinda hurts the eyes so people won't stare too long. And it's tasteful.

For the baby - Receiving blankets. We've got 80 of them. Check. A car seat which I will install as soon as I find some motivation. And a going home outfit. I'd get the same thing as the one above but I don't want to over-pink her. Baby girls get too much pink stuff and I want her to feel like it's ok to wear any color slutty outfit.

I think we should just stuff some baby clothes, some lady clothes, a big bag of M&Ms, a toothbrush, and a portable DVD player with "Armageddon" into a bag. I can take pictures or look up newborn instructions on my Blackberry. We're all good.