Tor Baby Countdown: 36 Days

Last Thursday, my wife and I picked up Boy Jerkface from his ACL surgery. The incision area was pretty gross but he was pushing through on his 3 good legs. The doctor was pleased with the dog because he was already toe-touching. I thought he went in for ACL surgery but I guess he went in for a ballerina implant.

He's a Purina Ballerina!

Dealing with Boy Jerkface over the last few days has been brutal. I somehow became attached to him in the time we've had him. My nights have been filled with restless sleep worrying about him. It makes me wonder how I'm going to handle having a baby.

I've been carrying him up and down the stairs. I've carried him on the latter half of walks so that he doesn't do too much too soon. Carrying a 45-pound dog makes me feel like I'm in a World's Strongest Man competition because the last 20 steps are brutal. I'm waddling, gritting my teeth, hoping to post a good time.

Not bad but my stone likes to wiggle.

The carrying will only help me as a parent. I will be able to lift 2 strollers and a baby carrier at the same time. This will come in handy.

Boy Jerkface also started licking his incision site and the stitches. This is not good for him to do so we decided to buy him a cone. While I was at Petco, I thought about how miserable the cone was going to make him and almost decided not to buy it. My thought process said that I could simply watch him. Constantly. And make sure he never licks it. Yeah, that's a much better option.

I've been telling people that, as a parent, you have to do what's best for the baby even if it's not going to make the baby happy and what am I doing at my first practice chance? Doing whatever it takes to make the baby/dog happy instead of what's best for the baby/dog. So I sucked it up and bought the collar.

The fake dog looks content.

I got the "Comfy Collar" because it was soft and allows the dog to hide in any photography studio. We put the collar on him last night and he went immediately to sleep. This was perfect because dogs sleep soundly throughout the night and never get up to move around.

Thirty minutes later, Boy Jerkface got up and freaked out. He pushed the collar against every surface in the bedroom. It sounded like two people wrestling in windbreakers. I sat there watching him, telling myself to take the collar off of him. My wife was sound asleep. She was not going to help. Then I realized that this was my parenting test. This was the baby crying in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep. The collar is what's right for the dog. A few minutes later, Boy Jerkface laid back down in the bathroom and went to sleep. I did it. I made it.

At about 2 in the morning, the freak-out happened again. Incessant sounds of vinyl sliding coming from all points of the bedroom. Were there six of him? This time my wife woke up. What did she do? She took the collar off and let us all sleep. Licking is the lesser evil when compared to running around the room and slamming his body into things.

In the end, dogs and babies aren't the same no matter how much you try to make them.

The way you handle a dog is not a good barometer for how you will be with a child. And I will keep telling myself that.