Thursday, April 15, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 47 Days

I read somewhere that a baby goes through 400 diapers in the first month and then it goes down from there. You see Huggies couldn't keep up so they made a pact with the babies to slow down. Diaper assembly line worker is not the exciting profession it once was and today's college students think the field is obsolete. Hence, not enough diapers for babies so if babies want the comfort of a wearable waste catcher, they will do their part.

The first diapers were square and made of aluminum as seen here.

While I'm not excited at the prospect of dealing with baby excrement, my wife was nice enough to get dogs a couple of years ago for training. I have no problem picking up after the dogs anymore and I assume it will be the same for the baby. Gross at first but it will just become part of the deal eventually.

Here's the crazy part - the first few bowel movements of a baby are foul in appearance but not in smell. It is called meconium and it is a black tarlike ooze that can only come from the depths of hell. It is not unlike the goo that made Spider-man evil.

It's newborn poo, Peter Parker!

You wonder how something so primordial could come out of something so precious. Is this why we should baptize the child? To get rid of any traces of antichrist? Should I check the scalp for triple sixes? What if there's just one six? That can't be right either.

Is there a way to avoid it? I know all babies produce it but I don't want my daughter to. Maybe the doctor could take it out real fast before they hand her for the first time to my wife. Like they do with the stuff in her nose. Just wring her out like a towel. I'll sign a form saying it's cool.

In the meantime, my contingency plan is this. I know a guy.

There's meconium in that barrel.

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