Tor Baby Countdown: 42 Days

It's Tuesday and Baby Center has given us a new fruit. The baby is a cantaloupe this week. Last week, the baby was a pineapple. It's odd that the baby would shrink from one week to the next but who am I to question nature? Maybe babies are like balloons and Week 33 is the week the mother's body takes a break from "inflation" so the baby shrinks. It makes sense. Can I patent the Tor Balloon Baby Theory?

At the childbirth class, they showed us two videos. The first one was the one I talked about yesterday with the coconut imagery. It featured a handful of women going through natural childbirth. The second video was women who elected to have an epidural. The difference between the women in each video was like night and a day that starts with breakfast in bed followed by winning the lottery, having a monument named after you, the elimination of things you can't stand from the world, dinner cooking itself, and Lost having a satisfying ending.

I don't know why a woman would want to go through natural childbirth. A quick Google search says the following:

"Natural childbirth helps you find a strength you never knew you had."

So does losing all of your loved ones in a cruise ship disaster that you couldn't go on because you had a work deadline but it's not something you want to experience. It's not good to know your own strength. Finding out your own strength is always preceded by someone getting their arm broken or a hole appearing in a wall. "Guess she didn't know her own strength."

"Natural childbirth lets you experience labor as nature intended."

Nature also intends for us to walk around naked and to learn things, not with computers, but by asking other people all while lions and bears try to eat you. Do you want to gather information from people with no clothes on while eluding dangerous predators? Because that's what nature wants. It wants to watch that over and over as payback for the Discovery Channel.

Bears like Al Gore.

"Natural childbirth increases your confidence."

So does winning a duel at 10 paces with muskets but I don't recommend trying. I feel like creating a baby and holding it in your arms is enough of an ego boost without the excruciating pain. I might be wrong.

I don't want to sound like a drug dealer but what's wrong with feeling good? You deserve it. You've been having restless nights for months. Your body is being stretched in ways it shouldn't leaving marks as proof. Your organs are being used for baby stress relief. There's no need to scream your way to the conclusion. You've been through enough. Just take a hit. In your spine.

Tor Baby Countdown: 43 Days

My wife and I went to childbirth class on Saturday. The rest of this blog entry is not for the faint of heart. This is a warning. For the people who run the childbirth class, a warning is a set of words that caution people from what they are about to experience. Look into it!

The class is run by a doula. A doula is like a witch doctor or a gypsy. Their job is to cast a spell over the pregnant woman, making the woman feel like she needs the doula to have the baby. The partner becomes unnecessary and the woman and doula enjoy the birth together. They are evil and their day will come.

Either a doula, the Sun Maid Raisin girl, or both.

Frankly, I don't know why there is this much effort put forth in teaching people how to deliver a baby. Animals push babies out every day. They don't have breathing exercises or doctors. We are a weak species. Can't we just set the hospital up to look like a prom? We can have a theme. There can be robes made of organza and tulle. They already call them gowns. Doctors and nurses chaperone. Then the mothers can sneak off to the bathroom when ready.

The prom theme is TLC's "Baby Baby Baby"

I had a problem with the class. I don't know if I've made that apparent. They showed us a video of childbirth. A couple of months ago, a Bollywood director said he would pay anyone who could sit through his horror film $10,000. I don't know if it could be more gruesome than this film. Halfway through this video, I turned to my wife and said, "Is it too late to turn back?"

I will spare you the details but there was one scene where the mother was in the middle of pushing the baby out. The baby was crowning which looks like a coconut trying to come out of a balloon. To keep the analogy going, the doctor asked the mother if she wanted to touch the coconut! I thought, "No, she's not going to touch the coconut. That wouldn't be right." SHE REACHED DOWN MID-LABOR AND TOUCHED THE COCONUT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?!?!

You can't unsee this! You can't!

I fear what's going to happen now. I think the class was supposed to make me feel better. To put me at ease. It did not. I'm more rattled, more worried for my wife than ever. Sometimes it's ok to stay in the dark. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. Ignorance isn't a punishment. It's bliss. I miss bliss.

I also miss Miss Bliss.

Tor Baby Countdown: 46 Days

Tomorrow, my wife and I are attending childbirth class. I hesitated signing up for this because I felt like everything I needed to know was taught to me by Zack Morris when he delivered Mr. Belding's baby in the school elevator. If Zack Morris can deliver a baby and keep Tori calm in the aftermath of an earthquake, how hard can it be? Then again, he got 1502 on his SATs.

I'm guessing we will learn the basic breathing techniques. Your traditional hoo hoo hees. One problem: My wife gets dizzy very easily so I'm concerned. I'm going to have to sit next to her with smelling salts throughout the birth. Nothing but the doctor saying "And pus- Is she out again?!?" and me bringing her back.

I hope they teach the non-birthing attendees how to avoid getting their hands crushed. Scientists have found that a pregnant woman's grip has the same force of an adult African elephant's step in a stampede. Adding in the heat that a pregnant woman generates, she could turn coal into a diamond. (This is still in the trial phase. Pregnant women don't like to hold dirty things while giving birth.)

This is an elephant sitting, not a pregnant woman.

Maybe the hospital provides a fake hand made out of the same material they make sex toys out of. They make them very realistic these days. My wife can squeeze one of those instead and I won't need X-rays. The birth is going to cost enough.

Never would have thought this would be in my baby blog.

We actually aren't interested in learning about the delivery. My wife and I agree that the baby will come out and the doctor will tell us what to do to make that happen. It's like landing a plane. It works out no matter what.

We signed up for these classes for two things - to see the maternity ward and kind of get our bearings and to get some quick tips on handling a newborn. It's important to not bring the baby into the world in a place the parents have never seen. Babies can sense discomfort. As for the tips, I don't really remember everything from home ec class when we carried an egg around for a week.

The new home ec eggs are crazy.

It's an all-day affair so I might live tweet it if they let me have my phone. If you want to tune in, follow me.