Tor Baby Countdown: 57 Days

There are so many great onesies out there......(puts cigar in mouth) for babies to poop in. I've hit this in the past. I just don't like the onesies with sayings on them. Some people will say that I'm being critical because I'm a comedian and I should lighten up. I mean, they're funny, right? Maybe so but they can be detrimental to your child and the public's perception of her.

Look at this onesie:

Really? Is this necessary? Unless you are going to hand out glasses to everybody that let's them see the baby through her parents' eyes, it's not going to be true. (Pretty sweet invention, though.) Most baby girls initially look like old men with pink bows wrapped around their bald head. Just weird. Let babies look like babies. Cute and pretty come later.

See what I mean?

Putting "World's Prettiest Baby" on your daughter (or son) is asking for unnecessary scrutiny. You are placing your baby under a microscope. If I saw a baby in this onesie, I would immediately think the opposite and find more things wrong with the baby than there actually are. Babies are inherently insecure. Hence, the poor bladder control. Why would you add to that?

Here's another one I can't take:

What parent is actively training their baby girl to be a diva? "My daughter is going to need a crib with 1200 thread count sheets, formula at 72 degrees, and 7 crinkle toys in the shapes of zoo animals." I would rather the onesie be more truthful and say "Selfish, Entitled, Vain, Friendless, Bossy, Diet Pill Popper in Training" or "Call Child Services Because My Parents Are Ruining Me."

I simply want people to like my daughter so let's stick to images of bunnies and bears and cut it with the sayings. Cool?