Tor Baby Countdown: 32 Days

The baby in my wife's belly moves a lot. The doctor says there is no such thing as too much movement so I assume we're fine. Every night before we go to sleep (10 pm), my wife and I lie in bed and watch the belly. This is what it reminds me of.

There are times where some part of the baby moves from one side of the belly to the other. If Kevin Bacon and the dad from "Family Ties" were there, it would totally be a scene from Tremors. The baby's probably not going to pop through the skin and kill me but I'm not going to get too close for safety's sake. Also, in case the baby is a subterranean carnivore, how do I go about putting a onesie on it?

It would explain why my wife is so uncomfortable.

Sometimes the baby will poke arms and legs out at different points of the belly. It's good to know that she's got that kind of reach. The way the belly bulges looks like a bunch of squirrels fighting in a sack. It's almost cartoonish but it's not. If this was a cartoon, during birth the doctor would surf out of the delivery room when the water broke while the nurses danced 60s beach movie-style. Then a flag would pop out of my wife's area that says "Born!" and we'd laugh.

How did she sneak a gun into my wife's uterus?

There is also a bounce which is a ripple away from making me think a T-Rex is coming. It's a quick pop of the belly. It's violent and it got me in the ear once when I was trying to hear the baby's heartbeat. These are the quick jabs of a future boxer. Mo Cuishle Tor.

I wanted a Million Dollar Baby picture but this one was more ridiculous.

Finally, there's the one I call "the miracle." I use it to describe every movement. Let's get sticky and slide down the side of a tree because it's time to get sappy. It is amazing to watch this person inside my wife let us know she's in there. It is the highlight of my day right above Sporstcenter and writing a good tweet. I look forward to it. Is it 10pm yet?

NJ Candidate for Governor: This is New Jersey

If Tim James can take a stand on the English language in Alabama, this candidate can take a stand for New Jersey.



Thanks to YouTube User doriansol for the piano.

If you would like to see the video that inspired me, check it out here.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6 (Eliminations)

Shania Twain Week ended without a Shania Twain performance but we got two performances with Rascal Flatts. The lead singer of Rascal Flatts is going for the look of "drag queen at his day job."

Tonight! At Boa's! Edie Rascal!

It was a lot of country tonight. After Rascal Flatts, Carrie Underwood came out to not sing and then introduce a band full of every character Bill Hader plays on SNL. They played for 45 to 107 minutes. My fast forward button asked me to take a break halfway through. Lady Antebellum sang a song, too. I like this song because it allows me to check out other radio stations when it comes on. The final performance was Shakira with Rascal Flatts. That went together like tone-deaf oil and boring water. It was a successful night.

Bottom 3:

Michael Lynche - Big Mike will never go home. He will continue to appear on my television screen pounding his chest and licking his lips long after the season ends. At some point, he will come out of the television like the killer girl in "The Ring" and continually bear hug lift me without my permission. I'm finding a way to come to terms with this. I see no other outcome.

Casey James - Casey was good this week but that's not enough anymore. He didn't build a large enough following with all of his average performances. That's what you need. Crystal was not good this week but she has a following. I think he makes it one more week.

Siobhan Magnus - She has just not been as good or entertaining as she was back in the beginning of the competition. There's only enough room in this competition for one boring person and America prefers Aaron's boredom over hers. It's a shame. I actually prefer her boredom because it had a chance to go away.

Final Thought: This is probably the worst Top 5 in Idol history. If I could never hear Aaron and Big Mike sing again then that means I figured out that I don't have to watch the show. I can watch literally anything else. However, they are still here and I will have to find another way to say how skeevy Mike is or how dull Aaron is. Does America know how hard it is to write about them every week? At least we have Lee and Crystal.

Tor Baby Countdown: 34 Days

Two weeks ago, Baby Center told us it was time to pack a hospital bag. I wrote about it. My wife and I made plans each of the last two weekends to pack that hospital bag. There is still no hospital bag. What's the hold up?

Reason 1 - What's the point in packing a bag? My wife is going to be in a gown the whole time and the hospital provides slipper socks. I don't need a change of clothes because I want to look haggard and defeated by the time I leave. If I look refreshed, people are going to think I'm vain and care more about my appearance than my wife's well-being. They'll think, "Did he spend the whole time at the spa while his wife suffered in the room?" I can't live with that minute possibility.

"That's great, honey. Keep pushing. I'll be there soon."

Reason 2 - We're not ready to be ready for a baby. Packing that bag shows acceptance of leaving the non-parenthood portion of our lives. (Way more than conception did.) This is the first time you aren't packing a bag to go on a nice vacation. You are going to take care of someone for the rest of you life. How do you pack for decades of worry? 6 handkerchiefs and a Costco size box of Tums? Not ready to process that pack job.

Do you have these in chalkier?

Reason 3 - We have sour candy, clothes, slippers, toiletries, receiving blankets, and other baby stuff. So we have the innards for such a bag. The problem is that we actually don't have the bag. We can't pack what we don't have. That's called logic. Suck it, Baby Center.

Reason 4 - We forgot. I swear I told my wife on Thursday of last week that we were going to pack a bag. Then Tuesday comes around and I never thought about the bag at any point in between. Look, I got a lot of stuff going on. I have to write jokes on Twitter. I have to walk and feed the Siblings Jerkface. I have to watch movies that I've already seen. I don't see how baby fits into any of that. If you want to hire a life organizer for me to squeeze an extra hour into my day, go right ahead.

Ok, I put "hospital bag" in my Google Calendar. Now how do I remember to look at it?

I'm almost positive my wife and I will pack a hospital bag this weekend. We pretty much have to. That baby is going to come bag or not. I asked our doctor. Tune in for the "27 Days" blog and see if we come through on this.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 6

Shania Twain Week was better than I thought it was going to be. She's so likable. Is she Irish Canadian? Her accent is confusing. She sounded like Brad Pitt in "Snatch" at times. Anyway, I guess if there has to be a "country" week on American Idol, this was the way to do it.

Lee DeWyze - "You're Still The One" - Lee is like a 1994 Ford Taurus. He's reliable. Another solid performance from him and that's all he needs to do on this show. I simply like hearing him sing. More like Lee DeBecauze! Am I right?

Big Mike - "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing" - The stairs have been bad luck this season. Aaron and Siobhan had terrible moments starting on the stairs. Big Mike licks his lips too much. Are they chapped? Also, I think he wears all of the jewelry and accessories to hold him down from floating away on his inflated ego. He must have studied Wanya Morris from Boyz II Men because he does all of his movements. Watch.

The difference is that Wanya Morris earned the right to look like a pompous ass by selling millions and millions and millions of albums.

Casey James - "Don't" - I liked Jealous Guy better but this was good, too. It's nice when he doesn't stand on stage and jam on the electric. We all know he can play a mean ax. (Is that right? Or is it "axe?") When he pushes his voice, he vibrates like he's sitting in a massage chair on high at Brookstone. Casey James - he's gr-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-e-a-a-t!

Crystal Bowersox - "No One Needs To Know" - I'm not enjoying this at all. What's happening? Will she be in the Bottom 3? It's possible. She got very defensive when the judges actually criticized her. America doesn't like that and because she has been shining every week, this is the first time we've seen this side of her. Ew, Crystal. Bad form.

Aaron Kelly - "You Got a Way" - Aaron was like a giant drill making a tunnel in the side of a mountain because...wait for it...he was boring! What kind of musical career could he possibly have? The only thing I can think of is he could play Ben Stein's teacher part in a Ferris Bueller musical.

Bueller! Have you seen that student?

Bueller! His attendance would be prudent.

Bueller! Bueller! BUELLERRRR!

(Cue Dancers)

Siobhan Magnus - "Any Man of Mine" - At one point, the mic tried to stop working to put us out of our misery. Actually, I don't know if it was her or the song. At times, it felt like she was singing the "Time Warp." That might have been better. Can Shania Twain go back in time and write that song instead? In fact, that's the perfect nickname for Siobhan - Rocky Horror. Her performances are shaky and frighteningly bad.

Bottom Three: I don't really care how much Randy thought this week was in Aaron's wheelhouse, he's in the Bottom Three. Joining him will be Big Mike because the voters don't even know who Luther Vandross is, let alone want someone who sounds like him. Also, he's icky to look at. For the last spot, it would be fun to see Crystal here because that would guarantee her a spot in the Final but I think it will be Casey over Siobhan. He had a good week but Rocky Horror has a loyal following.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly

Tor Baby Countdown: 35 Days

It's Tuesday and time for another installment of "What Kind of Produce Is Killing My Wife From the Inside Out?" We are at 35 weeks now and Baby Center says the baby is the size of a honeydew melon. It appears we will be going melon from now on. The honeydew is the green melon. This is the one that is the most left over on any party's fruit plate. For the record, I want our baby.

This week Baby Center featured quotes from mothers about things they didn't expect during the birth. Here are some of my favorites:

"Labor wasn't as bad as it was cracked up to be. I heard so many horror stories, but contractions were very manageable for me. I had a higher pain tolerance level than I thought."

Well lah-di-dah, Miss Fancy Maternity Pants. I wonder if there is something wrong with her nervous system. It could be a bad sign. Maybe she's developing CIPA. That will certainly help her when she's murdered by every other mother in the world for saying this.

"I loved every minute of labor. I only pushed for 20 minutes. It was great and I felt so accomplished. My husband and I have actually bumped up our goal of having three children to five."

Why not make it fifty kids? Why stop the fun at 5 if labor is so great? This quote actually went on but I cut it off before she got to the part about the baby talking to her during the crowning, the unicorn doctor that delivered it, and when the hospital floated up into outer space so she could hold her baby and overlook Saturn's rings at the same time.

"Yes, I pooped on the table...twice!"

You find out about the mom pooping during childbirth early on in the pregnancy. You are ready for it. What makes this interesting is the excitement involved. The exclamation point brings about a sense of pride, even boastfulness. Well, you know what? You did it, New Mom!

Here's your button, ya big pooper!

"My boss was the only one available to help me deliver and she held my legs while I pushed. Awkward! She is so sweet, but there are just some things I don't want my boss to know about me."

Wow. Think about this one when you think childbirth couldn't get any worse. How do you ever stand up to or ask anything from your boss ever again? "I can't stay late tonight." "I'm sorry. I didn't hear you. I was too busy remembering helping your baby come out of you." This gives me nightmares and it's not an actual possible moment in my life.

Only "Boss" allowed in the delivery room?

"After I labored for two hours, our little guy made his grand entrance, weighing 11 pounds, 3 ounces! The doctor estimated he would be around 8 1/2 pounds, so we were all a bit shocked. The doctor said I was his largest natural delivery ever."

We're pretty convinced this will be us. "Gigan" Tor should tip the scales at a shade under 40 pounds. My wife has a belly that looks fake. It is so shiny and round, it could have been done by any makeup department on a Hollywood set. We have five weeks to go and this baby's head starts at my wife's crotch and the feet are by the shoulders. I fear for the future.

I can never thank my wife enough for what she's going through. I can joke and joke about it but I'm amazed and the amazement will only continue to grow. This is too much to ask someone to go through unless you are one of those first two mothers. Then you can ask them to do it hundreds of times.

I will leave you with two more quotes that I can't even comment on because they are too disgusting. It's not for the squeamish. Read on at your own peril. For blog entry purposes, we are officially done here for today.

"The one thing I told my daughter while on the inside is, you better not poop in me, and she did!"

"When my husband went to cut the cord, the cord blood sprayed me in the face! The baby was sliding off my chest and as the doctor grabbed for the baby the cord ended up angled toward my face. After a very quick delivery, it made for a good story."

I warned you.

Tor Baby Countdown: 36 Days

Last Thursday, my wife and I picked up Boy Jerkface from his ACL surgery. The incision area was pretty gross but he was pushing through on his 3 good legs. The doctor was pleased with the dog because he was already toe-touching. I thought he went in for ACL surgery but I guess he went in for a ballerina implant.

He's a Purina Ballerina!

Dealing with Boy Jerkface over the last few days has been brutal. I somehow became attached to him in the time we've had him. My nights have been filled with restless sleep worrying about him. It makes me wonder how I'm going to handle having a baby.

I've been carrying him up and down the stairs. I've carried him on the latter half of walks so that he doesn't do too much too soon. Carrying a 45-pound dog makes me feel like I'm in a World's Strongest Man competition because the last 20 steps are brutal. I'm waddling, gritting my teeth, hoping to post a good time.

Not bad but my stone likes to wiggle.

The carrying will only help me as a parent. I will be able to lift 2 strollers and a baby carrier at the same time. This will come in handy.

Boy Jerkface also started licking his incision site and the stitches. This is not good for him to do so we decided to buy him a cone. While I was at Petco, I thought about how miserable the cone was going to make him and almost decided not to buy it. My thought process said that I could simply watch him. Constantly. And make sure he never licks it. Yeah, that's a much better option.

I've been telling people that, as a parent, you have to do what's best for the baby even if it's not going to make the baby happy and what am I doing at my first practice chance? Doing whatever it takes to make the baby/dog happy instead of what's best for the baby/dog. So I sucked it up and bought the collar.

The fake dog looks content.

I got the "Comfy Collar" because it was soft and allows the dog to hide in any photography studio. We put the collar on him last night and he went immediately to sleep. This was perfect because dogs sleep soundly throughout the night and never get up to move around.

Thirty minutes later, Boy Jerkface got up and freaked out. He pushed the collar against every surface in the bedroom. It sounded like two people wrestling in windbreakers. I sat there watching him, telling myself to take the collar off of him. My wife was sound asleep. She was not going to help. Then I realized that this was my parenting test. This was the baby crying in the other room because she doesn't want to sleep. The collar is what's right for the dog. A few minutes later, Boy Jerkface laid back down in the bathroom and went to sleep. I did it. I made it.

At about 2 in the morning, the freak-out happened again. Incessant sounds of vinyl sliding coming from all points of the bedroom. Were there six of him? This time my wife woke up. What did she do? She took the collar off and let us all sleep. Licking is the lesser evil when compared to running around the room and slamming his body into things.

In the end, dogs and babies aren't the same no matter how much you try to make them.

The way you handle a dog is not a good barometer for how you will be with a child. And I will keep telling myself that.

Tor Baby Countdown: 39 Days

I find myself wondering what the baby is going to be like. What will she get from her mother? What will she get from me? This isn't Gattaca. We can't pick and choose these traits and features. However, that doesn't mean I can't hope for the following to become true.

My Eyes - If there is one thing I like about myself, it's my eyes. They change color. They work perfectly. My wife's contacts are so thick, I'm surprised she can close her lids around them.

Her Nose - My nose doesn't work correctly. Sometimes I stop breathing at night and my wife lays there concerned until I gasp back to normal respiration. My septum had all of the promise in the world but strayed from its intended path and can now only serve as a warning to other septa. My wife could Krazy Glue corks into her nostrils and win this category.

In case you needed a visual.

My Equilibrium - My wife needs to take breaks along the way from sitting on the couch to standing. It's like she's on the last fifth of an Everest ascent.

Her Brain (Mostly) - I've always said that my wife is 8 times smarter than me. She is so accomplished. Our daughter will be so bored in school if she has my wife's brain. And that's what any parent wants.

My Sense of Direction - My wife gets lost in our town. She gets confused as to which way we came from upon leaving a store at the mall. I don't want our daughter to get scared if she finds herself in a different corner of her crib.

My Jumble Skills - I have an uncanny knack for rearranging a random set of letters into words. It pays huge dividends in Scrabble and various online games. I'm hoping this for my daughter so we can have epic Scrabble games and not ones where I just beat her into embarrassment.

Great job on "go," Sweetheart. Now I will put "requiems."

Her Genuine Laugh - I don't mean to imply that she has a fake laugh but there is something about genuinely getting to her that is infectious. I love when I do and hope that I can find it in our daughter. Though I hope it's not exactly the same because that would be weird.

Her Sensitivity - I cry too much.

My Ability to Throw and Catch - She wouldn't have been drafted last night. I would have.

See?

Her Confrontational Skills - I run screaming from the slightest amount of unrest.

Her Body - Mine would look wrong on a daughter.

Our Love - Our daughter's already got that.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7 (Eliminations)

Idol Gives Back would be more successful if they could find a way, in addition to the charity, to give us the time we lost in our lives due to the following performances:

• Everything sung by Jermaine Sellers, John Park, and Haeley Vaughn
• Lacey Brown's "Landslide" and "Ruby Tuesday"
• Paige Miles' "Smile"
• Andrew Garcia's "Gimme Shelter" and "Heard It Through The Grapevine"
• Tim Urban's "Apologize," "Sweet Love," and "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
• Siobhan Magnus' "Through the Fire"
• Most of Aaron, Katie, and Big Mike

Highlights of the show were Carrie Underwood, Elton John, and Mary J. Blige. Lowlights were the Black Eyed Peas, Alicia Keys, and George Lopez.

Bottom Three:

Aaron Kelly - He's fearless but he's also naive. He's American Idol's equivalent of Wile E. Coyote. He can strap all of the rockets he wants to his back and shoes but he's never going to catch the Road Runner (Season 9 crown).

Don't look for it here, Aaron

Casey James - The dreamy-haired Adonis found the Bottom 3 for the first time. I hope he liked the taste of it because this is where he will stay until he leaves in 2 weeks. Some would suggest that a haircut would be a welcome change but rumors are that the hair is his source of mediocrity. Best to leave it. Why mess with an average thing?

Tim Urban - I will give Tim credit for making it this far. I think he will have a solid CW career going forward and I appreciate how much he lived in the moment and cherished all that Idol allowed him to do. Best of luck to him.

Hallelujah

Final Thoughts: There is no one right now even coming close to the greatness of Lee and Crystal. It will be a real shame if that isn't the Final. Frankly, I won't watch. Can America deal with that kind of boycott because there won't be any hilarious recaps? I vow it. Think about it, Nation. (I've been watching some Colbert lately.)

American Idol Season 9 - Top 7

Alicia Keys was the mentor for Inspirational Songs Week. Over the years, she's inspired countless horrible versions of her "Falling" in American Idol auditions. She mentored like she was assigned to monitor detention. There was no effort at all. This led to a down week on Idol after two strong ones. Fortunately, we made it through the show without "Wind Beneath My Wings" but we weren't lucky enough to avoid "I Believe I Can Fly." Thankfully, it wasn't Big Mike. He doesn't need to associate himself with R. Kelly to scare 12-year-old girls. He does that already. All this week did was further the gap between Crystal/Lee and the rest.

Casey James - "Don't Stop" - This song was like a person who only went halfway into the crosswalk and stopped because it was so middle of the road. The usual Casey. He's never bad. He's just never great with the exception of "Jealous Guy" two weeks ago. He's also getting faux-tan enough to be on "Jersey Shore."

Lee DeWyze - "The Boxer" - This is what I was talking about last week. Going back and forth between the nice softer voice and the harsher screaming voice. It was really well done. If the final isn't Lee and Crystal, America will be watching the cruise ship leave from the dock while holding their bags. Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY MISSED THE BOAT!!

Tim Urban - "Better Days" - The votes are in and the population of Stinkville just elected their mayor. Wow, that was terrible. I was actually yearning to hear the Goo Goo Dolls version. He made the Goo Goo Dolls sound rugged and tough. What's next? Brainy Smurf joining the Crips? No! Bad Tim! Bad!

Aaron Kelly - "I Believe I Can Fly" - The end was decent and might have saved him. Can he stop his hips from moving back and forth? They are like the pendulum in a grandfather clock that you have to take back to the store because an hour goes by in 48 seconds. Slow the hips. It can't be good for your internal organs.

Siobhan Magnus - "When You Believe" - She sings like someone from England or Australia with the extreme enunciation she puts into each word. It was very stiff and this song was too much for her. The butterflies actually tried to put themselves back into their fabric cocoons. She's lucky this is a weak season.

Big Mike - "Hero" - The mouth lick will haunt my dreams forever. That was so awful. This never had a chance to be good. My least favorite contestant singing a song by my least favorite singer (Nickelback). I hope people were inspired to not vote for him. Enjoy the lick below.

Crystal Bowersox - "People Get Ready" - Best of the night. I have nothing to add. No jokes. She's awesome.

Bottom Three: I think Siobhan is safe. If she's here, I'm overestimating her fan base. This will be a guys' Bottom Three. Tim Urban was really bad this week. Big Mike was also horrific. And Aaron Kelly was not good enough to avoid this distinction. Tim's squealing girl following will be enough. Aaron sang well enough to make it. Big Mike is just not a likable human being. Watch the tongue lick again if you want help coming to that conclusion.

Going Home: Big Mike

Tor Baby Countdown: 42 Days

It's Tuesday and Baby Center has given us a new fruit. The baby is a cantaloupe this week. Last week, the baby was a pineapple. It's odd that the baby would shrink from one week to the next but who am I to question nature? Maybe babies are like balloons and Week 33 is the week the mother's body takes a break from "inflation" so the baby shrinks. It makes sense. Can I patent the Tor Balloon Baby Theory?

At the childbirth class, they showed us two videos. The first one was the one I talked about yesterday with the coconut imagery. It featured a handful of women going through natural childbirth. The second video was women who elected to have an epidural. The difference between the women in each video was like night and a day that starts with breakfast in bed followed by winning the lottery, having a monument named after you, the elimination of things you can't stand from the world, dinner cooking itself, and Lost having a satisfying ending.

I don't know why a woman would want to go through natural childbirth. A quick Google search says the following:

"Natural childbirth helps you find a strength you never knew you had."

So does losing all of your loved ones in a cruise ship disaster that you couldn't go on because you had a work deadline but it's not something you want to experience. It's not good to know your own strength. Finding out your own strength is always preceded by someone getting their arm broken or a hole appearing in a wall. "Guess she didn't know her own strength."

"Natural childbirth lets you experience labor as nature intended."

Nature also intends for us to walk around naked and to learn things, not with computers, but by asking other people all while lions and bears try to eat you. Do you want to gather information from people with no clothes on while eluding dangerous predators? Because that's what nature wants. It wants to watch that over and over as payback for the Discovery Channel.

Bears like Al Gore.

"Natural childbirth increases your confidence."

So does winning a duel at 10 paces with muskets but I don't recommend trying. I feel like creating a baby and holding it in your arms is enough of an ego boost without the excruciating pain. I might be wrong.

I don't want to sound like a drug dealer but what's wrong with feeling good? You deserve it. You've been having restless nights for months. Your body is being stretched in ways it shouldn't leaving marks as proof. Your organs are being used for baby stress relief. There's no need to scream your way to the conclusion. You've been through enough. Just take a hit. In your spine.

Tor Baby Countdown: 43 Days

My wife and I went to childbirth class on Saturday. The rest of this blog entry is not for the faint of heart. This is a warning. For the people who run the childbirth class, a warning is a set of words that caution people from what they are about to experience. Look into it!

The class is run by a doula. A doula is like a witch doctor or a gypsy. Their job is to cast a spell over the pregnant woman, making the woman feel like she needs the doula to have the baby. The partner becomes unnecessary and the woman and doula enjoy the birth together. They are evil and their day will come.

Either a doula, the Sun Maid Raisin girl, or both.

Frankly, I don't know why there is this much effort put forth in teaching people how to deliver a baby. Animals push babies out every day. They don't have breathing exercises or doctors. We are a weak species. Can't we just set the hospital up to look like a prom? We can have a theme. There can be robes made of organza and tulle. They already call them gowns. Doctors and nurses chaperone. Then the mothers can sneak off to the bathroom when ready.

The prom theme is TLC's "Baby Baby Baby"

I had a problem with the class. I don't know if I've made that apparent. They showed us a video of childbirth. A couple of months ago, a Bollywood director said he would pay anyone who could sit through his horror film $10,000. I don't know if it could be more gruesome than this film. Halfway through this video, I turned to my wife and said, "Is it too late to turn back?"

I will spare you the details but there was one scene where the mother was in the middle of pushing the baby out. The baby was crowning which looks like a coconut trying to come out of a balloon. To keep the analogy going, the doctor asked the mother if she wanted to touch the coconut! I thought, "No, she's not going to touch the coconut. That wouldn't be right." SHE REACHED DOWN MID-LABOR AND TOUCHED THE COCONUT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT?!?!

You can't unsee this! You can't!

I fear what's going to happen now. I think the class was supposed to make me feel better. To put me at ease. It did not. I'm more rattled, more worried for my wife than ever. Sometimes it's ok to stay in the dark. There's nothing wrong with not knowing. Ignorance isn't a punishment. It's bliss. I miss bliss.

I also miss Miss Bliss.

Tor Baby Countdown: 46 Days

Tomorrow, my wife and I are attending childbirth class. I hesitated signing up for this because I felt like everything I needed to know was taught to me by Zack Morris when he delivered Mr. Belding's baby in the school elevator. If Zack Morris can deliver a baby and keep Tori calm in the aftermath of an earthquake, how hard can it be? Then again, he got 1502 on his SATs.

I'm guessing we will learn the basic breathing techniques. Your traditional hoo hoo hees. One problem: My wife gets dizzy very easily so I'm concerned. I'm going to have to sit next to her with smelling salts throughout the birth. Nothing but the doctor saying "And pus- Is she out again?!?" and me bringing her back.

I hope they teach the non-birthing attendees how to avoid getting their hands crushed. Scientists have found that a pregnant woman's grip has the same force of an adult African elephant's step in a stampede. Adding in the heat that a pregnant woman generates, she could turn coal into a diamond. (This is still in the trial phase. Pregnant women don't like to hold dirty things while giving birth.)

This is an elephant sitting, not a pregnant woman.

Maybe the hospital provides a fake hand made out of the same material they make sex toys out of. They make them very realistic these days. My wife can squeeze one of those instead and I won't need X-rays. The birth is going to cost enough.

Never would have thought this would be in my baby blog.

We actually aren't interested in learning about the delivery. My wife and I agree that the baby will come out and the doctor will tell us what to do to make that happen. It's like landing a plane. It works out no matter what.

We signed up for these classes for two things - to see the maternity ward and kind of get our bearings and to get some quick tips on handling a newborn. It's important to not bring the baby into the world in a place the parents have never seen. Babies can sense discomfort. As for the tips, I don't really remember everything from home ec class when we carried an egg around for a week.

The new home ec eggs are crazy.

It's an all-day affair so I might live tweet it if they let me have my phone. If you want to tune in, follow me.

Tor Baby Countdown: 47 Days

I read somewhere that a baby goes through 400 diapers in the first month and then it goes down from there. You see Huggies couldn't keep up so they made a pact with the babies to slow down. Diaper assembly line worker is not the exciting profession it once was and today's college students think the field is obsolete. Hence, not enough diapers for babies so if babies want the comfort of a wearable waste catcher, they will do their part.

The first diapers were square and made of aluminum as seen here.

While I'm not excited at the prospect of dealing with baby excrement, my wife was nice enough to get dogs a couple of years ago for training. I have no problem picking up after the dogs anymore and I assume it will be the same for the baby. Gross at first but it will just become part of the deal eventually.

Here's the crazy part - the first few bowel movements of a baby are foul in appearance but not in smell. It is called meconium and it is a black tarlike ooze that can only come from the depths of hell. It is not unlike the goo that made Spider-man evil.

It's newborn poo, Peter Parker!

You wonder how something so primordial could come out of something so precious. Is this why we should baptize the child? To get rid of any traces of antichrist? Should I check the scalp for triple sixes? What if there's just one six? That can't be right either.

Is there a way to avoid it? I know all babies produce it but I don't want my daughter to. Maybe the doctor could take it out real fast before they hand her for the first time to my wife. Like they do with the stuff in her nose. Just wring her out like a towel. I'll sign a form saying it's cool.

In the meantime, my contingency plan is this. I know a guy.

There's meconium in that barrel.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again - Double Elimination)

We made it through Elvis Week without anyone performing "Jailhouse Rock" or "Love Me Tender." I wish the same could be said about "Viva Las Vegas." That got the Idol lip-sync medley which was the equivalent of stuffing Elvis full of gravy, sticking him on the toilet, and force-feeding him pills. Fortunately for the Idols' prison records, that already happened a long time ago.

Ryan was better behaved tonight. Must have taken a contaminated bottle of 5-Hour Energy yesterday. Brooke White sang Elvis songs with either Miley Cyrus' ex or the guy who betrays the colonial army in every early-America movie. Not sure. And Adam Lambert gave my favorite performance of his on American Idol. He should have done that song last year. It was really good.

Going Home:

Andrew Garcia - To use my own version of a Simonism, he went from hero ("Straight Up") to zero ("Gimme Shelter") to "should we cheer-o?" ("Forever") to "the end is here-o" ("Hound Dog"). It's a shame because I truly feel he has it. He just got swallowed up by the competition. Check out "Straight Up" once more to realize what could have been.

Katie Stevens - I was never a fan of Katie. I didn't like her performances. She always picked these sassy, attitude-needing songs and she's just a sweet girl. If her personality is that of a happy girl, she should embrace that in her song choices. Why does she fight who she is? What does she have against being happy? There are children in Austria who are dying to be happy if their culture would just allow it.

Final Thoughts: I can't wait for Big Mike to sing an inspirational song next week! Since he sings the words of "Teddy Bear" like each one can give a T-cell back to an AIDS patient, I want to know what he would do with "Wind Beneath My Wings." Next week will be a disaster. Even Lee and Crystal can't save us. Best case - Aaron goes home.

Tor Baby Countdown: 48 Days

This is going to be a blog entry that's been done to death for expecting parents but hopefully I'll be able to put my own spin on it. Some of that Tor differentness that separates me from the successful people. So let's see "How to deal with your baby coming and a dog that just tore his ACL."

Our dog (Boy Jerkface) tore his ACL over a week ago. The recovery for this injury is about 8 weeks. No need to get your calculators out, the baby will come before then. This is just poor timing by the dog. He did this to get attention, worried that the new member of the family is going to occupy all of our time. So he snaps his ACL. Selfish.

When I tell people this, they ask me if he was playing basketball and that makes me laugh. He's quite overweight. He would be picked last in any gym class in America.

His jersey number is K9. Hilarious.

There is a lot of work ahead of my wife and I on this. Lots of carrying to minimize walking and stair climbing. Pain medication. Keeping him from biting his stitches. Easing him back to normal. And, at any point, our daughter may fall out of my wife. However, like always, I will look on the bright side and show how this can be a blessing.

Boy Jerkface weighs 44 pounds. If my wife is lucky, that will be no less than 5 times the amount our daughter will weigh. Carrying the dog up and down the stairs and for the last third of every walk will prepare me for holding my daughter in the long run. It's training! Thanks dog!

Maybe I have nothing to complain about.

Also, the dog can't jump into the crib in the middle of the night and take the baby far away. We'd be able to catch the gimpy babynapper no problem!

The dog will have to wear the protective cone collar. We can decorate the collar to look like petals around the dog's face. Then the dog won't clash with the nursery. Arts and crafts fun!

We can have a race to see who walks first. If our daughter wins, she'll be studied by doctors and scientists for years to come!

The surgery is next week and the baby is due about 5 weeks later. This is going to be close. I've faxed the agenda to my wife's womb but I haven't heard back. Fingers crossed.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Again)

I knew a night with Adam Lambert would be crazy but it had nothing to do with him. He gave great advice and led us to the best Idol night so far. Sorry Usher. It was Elvis week and the judges didn't care much about making things current. Everything sounded old and that's fine if the judges don't care. Ryan took a dig at Brian Dunkleman 9 years later. I hope it didn't take him that long to come up with it. My favorite part was how Ryan's mom didn't disagree with Ryan when he said she was probably disappointed to have him as her son. Well played, Mrs. Seacrest. Oh yeah and Ellen liked everything. She didn't dislike one single performance. That's old-school Paula judging right there.

Crystal Bowersox - "Saved" - I didn't know the song and that was probably fine. Crystal does well each week but I'd like to see her do a slow song and belt it out next week. Simon loved it, of course. Simon is like a helicopter parent for Crystal. It's ok to point out mistakes. Crystal will love you more for it.

Andrew Garcia - "Hound Dog" - This was the kind of singing that makes him go home. He's not a big voice singer and that arrangement needs a bigger voice. Andrew needs to take every song he wants to sing, treat it like it's going to have a physical at the doctor, and strip it down.

Tim Urban - "Can't Help Falling in Love" - This performance felt like it should have been in one of the Shrek movies. Tim could provide the voice for an ostrich (fits the look on his face) that used to be a prince and needs Fiona to kiss him. He grew out his nails like an 80s secretary to do some pick work. It was very good.

"That ogre takes you for granted. I run 30 mph."

Lee DeWyze - "A Little Less Conversation" - I feel the need to be more critical of Lee because he's my favorite and I never say anything bad about him. I liked it, sure, but I'd like him to shout less. It's better when he goes from regular rasp to big rasp. That's what works for Harvey Fierstein.

Aaron Kelly - "Blue Suede Shoes" - What's Japanese for "Empty Orchestra?" The song isn't believable coming out of him. I don't think there's a single human being that Aaron would be able to keep off his blue suede shoes - fat guy moving in slow motion, toddler with no arms, paraplegic in front of a gust of wind. It didn't work.

Siobhan Magnus - "Suspicious Minds" - Her hair looks like her version of the hair bike helmet from Flight of the Conchords. She sings like she's asking people if she has food in her teeth. It was better than she's been. I won't say she's back in the competition but she was worth watching which is important.

Just needs the Siobhan streak on the side.

Big Mike - "In the Ghetto" - It was very good. I reluctantly will give it to him. He occupied his arms and legs. Always key. It got a little dreary by the end so, thankfully, I don't have to overpraise it. Man, it sucks. It's like giving props to Dick Cheney...for singing well. I'm glad he didn't do "Love Me Tender." That would have been a cheesefest worthy of Wisconsin.

Katie Stevens - "Baby, What Do You Want Me To Do?" - She has to learn that attitude is not just sliding your head from side to side. I counted 65 head to the lefts and 64 head to the rights. That's good pseudo-attitude balance. I don't know what she has to do to make me like her. Going home might be a good start.

Casey James - "Lawdy, Miss Clawdy" - No one has ever gotten a good set of remarks from the judges from that performing position. Kris Allen's worst week was right there with "All She Wants To Do Is Dance." This was one of those Casey middle-of-the-road ones. It was fine but there was nothing spectacular. He had momentum like the bus in Speed heading towards the gap in the bridge only he stopped pushing the gas pedal and he didn't make it across.

Bottom Three: I went crazy with my guesses last week and only got one right (Aaron Kelly). That one is going to stay right here with his terrible performance this week. I believe Andrew Garcia will join him. I want the last spot to go to Big Mike but he'll be safe this week. Damn it. That leaves Katie Stevens or Casey James but I'll stick with Katie.

Going Home: Aaron Kelly and Andrew Garcia

Tor Baby Countdown: 49 Days

Finally, Baby Center and I can get on the same page with the fruit/baby size comparison. We are at 33 weeks and the baby is the size of a pineapple and based on the discomfort level of my wife, just as pointy. A pineapple is a good metaphor for what I'd like our daughter to be - sweet, thick-skinned (to deal with all of the teasing she will get about her father), yellow (jaundice?). Let's move on.

We are officially at the point where we should have a packed bag for the hospital. The baby can really come anytime now. It's like a complicated bomb with lots of wires, tubes, and strange liquids only no one put a clock on it. Did I just compare my baby to a bomb? Yes I did but you got all judgmental before I explained that the bomb would explode shards of happiness and love shrapnel everywhere. Feel bad?

This is what you get when you type "love shrapnel" into Google. Nice!

The list of suggested things to bring by Baby Center is broken up into 4 parts - For the mom during labor, For the partner during labor, Postpartum, and For the baby.

For the mom during labor - They recommend bringing all the necessary paperwork (driver's license, insurance cards, hospital forms). I'm glad this is her job because I hate having to remember things in a rush. Someone has to be the calm one. You should bring a bathrobe and slippers. Eyeglasses if you need them. Toiletries. Under toiletries is "makeup." They recommend makeup. Is this important?

"Am I presentable enough for my baby?"

Can a husband be that much of a tyrant? Why not a full oven so she can whip up her partner a nice lasagna to sustain him through labor? They also recommend something pleasant to focus on like a picture. My plan is to hold a wooden frame around my head and make "I love you" faces.

For the partner during labor - A camera or camcorder to capture the memories. Not necessary. I plan on putting an artist's rendering of hell in the scrapbook and have horrific screams occur whenever you open to that page. Toiletries. Snacks to taunt the woman in the bed who can't eat anything but ice chips. Something to read. (It doesn't say but probably noise-canceling headphones because she will be pretty audible.) And my favorite, a bathing suit. Sometimes during labor, a woman will want to get in the shower to help her calm down. The bathing suit is recommended so you can join her and help her. I don't find this weird. I was actually wearing a bathing suit when we conceived.

Postpartum - A fresh nightgown because your baby should be the only one sitting in filth. Any leftover snacks you may have from during labor can be given to the mom. So that raisin you didn't want or the cold fries at the bottom of the bag are her property now. A book on newborn care. It's never too late to cram, I say. Why learn in 9 months what you can skim in 10 minutes? And finally, a going home outfit which, if you are wearing makeup to labor, has to be eye-popping hotness. I'm thinking this.

It gives your belly room to breathe. It kinda hurts the eyes so people won't stare too long. And it's tasteful.

For the baby - Receiving blankets. We've got 80 of them. Check. A car seat which I will install as soon as I find some motivation. And a going home outfit. I'd get the same thing as the one above but I don't want to over-pink her. Baby girls get too much pink stuff and I want her to feel like it's ok to wear any color slutty outfit.

I think we should just stuff some baby clothes, some lady clothes, a big bag of M&Ms, a toothbrush, and a portable DVD player with "Armageddon" into a bag. I can take pictures or look up newborn instructions on my Blackberry. We're all good.

Tor Baby Countdown: 50 Days

I'm not sure I fit the image of a dad. Look at that guy. That guy's a dad. I don't wear sweaters like that and, if I did, I certainly wouldn't fill them out as well. I mean, that's what my wife looks like and that's what our daughter will look like but I have a poop-ton of work to do to get to that. He sets the dad standard.

I lack the balance necessary to be a dad. Dads pick their kids up and put them on their shoulders. My body's already like a Jenga tower with most of the pieces missing. Placing a toddler on top of that can only lead to disaster.

Now put a wooden child on top.

One of my problems is that my wrists are so small. In utero, my daughter already has wrists close in size to mine. I don't wear watches because the only ones that will fit me would have to be bought at Justice. While it would be cute to have matching Father/Daughter pink sparkle watches, I'm not into it.

Dads wear Dockers or Brooks Brothers. I wear t-shirts with funny sayings and pictures on them.

Dads always have a tool belt on so they can fix things. The greeter at Home Depot asks me, "Are you sure?" when I enter.

Dads drink beer. I prefer beverages that end in "fizz."

"I didn't know it was time for the Giants game already."

Dads protect their daughters from unworthy suitors. I would spend most of the pre-date hoping they like me and find me funny.

Dads are expected to kill spiders and other bugs. I tell exterminators that I have their back and then run screaming out of the house and hole up in the nearest TCBY.

In conclusion, I'm not ready.

Tiger Woods Ad - Doggy Style

Just fooling around with my new Flip camera. Tiger Woods messed up and this is probably what people see when they look at him. I do think my dog is more adorable. Good staring, Penny.

Tor Baby Countdown: 54 Days

The "Time Out" is something that did not exist when I was a child. Truthfully, I wouldn't have known about it if it did. My parents raised me to never do anything wrong. If there is a law or a rule, I can't bring myself to go against it. I'm pretty sure they used the Clockwork Orange eye holders and episodes of Sesame Street lined with subliminal messages.

Today's episode is brought to you by the letter "Kevin gets sick if he fails."

The "Time Out" is a predetermined amount of time that a child has to go to a spot in the house and do nothing but think about what he did wrong. It is a time for the child to meditate, to contemplate the mistakes, and based on what I have overseen at other parents' houses, to whine and scream until the parent lets them leave.

The problem is that parents, on average, are not stern enough. The "Time Out" has to be an understanding between the child and the parents. I plan on having my wife draw up a contract for our daughter to sign via hand stamp. (We did the same thing with our dogs when we got them.) If the parents don't stick to it, the child won't either.

Another problem is stores selling things like this:

Time Out should be a scary place. It is not a place for imagination to trigger a dream world of adventure. There shouldn't be painted animals welcoming you. It should be Toddler Hell. It should have walls that converge on the child. There should be a confessional like on a reality show where he can apologize. There should a chair made out of fresh cut onions so he cries whether he wants to or not. You have to train those tear ducts.

Our daughter will understand Time Out and respect it. Hopefully, she will inherit her inability to do wrong from me. Her mother is too much of a rebel.

American Idol Season 9 - Top 9 (Eliminations)

I went into last night thinking that this was the week for shakeups on Idol. Time for a shocker. That's why I went with Siobhan in the Bottom 3. However, Big Mike was my alternate choice for Siobhan's spot. I took a crazy shot for the Bottom 3 and got it fairly wrong. But not as wrong as Rihanna who was a train wreck. Is she actually singing? I don't mean lip-synching. I mean is she singing as opposed to pushing sound out of her throat like a goose? Are those notes? The jury is out.

Bottom 3:

Aaron Kelly - It's nice to see him here. Just because you are on TV and not ugly doesn't make you are heartthrob. This was the only one I got right and I predict he will be back here after another subpar Rascal Flatts-esque version of a dull ballad next week. Can't wait!

Andrew Garcia - He had a better run avoiding the Bottom 3 than he should have. They should put a training collar on him and every time he attempts to sing a song without an acoustic guitar or with an added band, ZAAPPP! Simple. This show is so produced, they can't make this happen?

Big Mike - This was a shocker. Was I rooting for it? Of course I was. His "singing for his life" moment was so over the top. All of the uber-dramatic gestures he didn't get to use last week were added to this week's resulting in what could only come out of a steroid-ridden soap opera star at karaoke. This performance made him go from too confident to too cocky. After the song was over, he pounded his chest like he was about to swing through the trees with Simon as his Jane or attack a ram near a cliff on a special episode on Animal Planet. He is off-putting and I expect America to vote him off again next week telling the judges, "No, no, we meant to vote that way."

Final Thought: The Judges' Save was used way too early this season. What do we do if Crystal gets voted off in the next 5 weeks?What was with the judges hugging each other after they chose to save Big Mike? "We did it guys! We saved the guy who gave the 'Suck it' gesture to America after he learned the results!" (I saw the forearm cross, Big Mike.) The Save should be used on someone who they believe can win American Idol. Big Mike will not. Next week's mentor is Adam Lambert. I can't wait for him to work with Siobhan. I expect the rehearsal room to explode from too much artistry.

Tor Baby Countdown: 55 Days

When I mention to people who are parents that my wife is having trouble sleeping because of baby discomfort, they say some version of "Tell her to get used to it." (Because sleep is going to be hard to come by when the baby arrives.) Hey Oooooooohhhhhh! Stop dispensing obvious advice. We don't need the hackneyed responses.

It is hard for my wife to sleep these days. She has a living thing pushing around inside of her trying to make room. Her latest pain is located at the base of her rib cage. The doctor today told her that it was the baby trying to force the rib cage to flare out at the bottom. The baby needs more room and, at this stage in her development, she doesn't understand that bone should not be moved. Fortunately, she doesn't possess the power to break bone. Unfortunately for my wife, she's not going to stop trying.

Don't tell my wife but I like this trait in our daughter. She's like Sean Connery in "The Rock." Ain't no prison gonna hold her! She's going to help Nicolas Cage navigate my wife's uterus before Ed Harris performs a C-Section.

"Seriously, that's the stomach up there?"

This means I'm going to have to reconfigure the crib. There can't be bars or a lack of roof. She needs to be confined but still feel her parents' love. Maybe something like they put Hannibal Lecter in. Plexiglass with some air holes. There can be a drawer to hand stuffed animals or my wife's breast through. Anything she's going to need for consolation while she sleeps.

Is my daughter going to be a felon? Probably not. We are going to do our best to raise her right. The upside is that if she is going to be sentenced to prison, it's nice to know that we can expect her home sooner than the state would like.