Tor's News Nuggets: 3/2/10

Information has come in stating that OSHA issued a report to Sea World warning that a captive whale would kill a trainer. Before that report, the only warning we had was the adjective describing the type of whale.

(NERD JOKE) In this week's issue of "Spider-Man," Peter Parker will be affected by the economy when he loses his job as a photographer. Parker will learn that photographers, like Green Goblins, are a dime a dozen.

At an event in London, Lady Gaga told reporters that she is single and celibate. Lady Gaga is looking for a man who is evolved, not as in socially mature but as in having a next-generation sex organ that can mate with her.

According to People magazine, Bill Clinton offered his support to Tiger Woods via telephone. I just have one question: Why does the universe continue to throw softballs to Jay Leno?

Chad Ochocinco has been announced as one of the dancers on this season's Dancing with the Stars. Producers think this is a step in the right direction for the show as Ochocinco is actually a star.

This Week's Top 10 Chads

As many of my closest friends know, I keep extensive rankings for every first name in the world and I update them every week. I've decided to publish one of them on the blog today. So this is my list of the 10 best people named Chad for the week. There's been a lot of moving and shaking on the Chad list so let's get to it.

1. Chad Ochocinco - (Last week: 1) - Ochocinco had a great week this week. He provided coverage of the Super Bowl for the Ochocinco News Network (OCNN) and remains relevant with his fantastic Twitter posts. The run at 1 continues for this Chad.

2. Chad Michael Murray - (Last week: 5) - Chad moved up this week with rumors that he is in the running to play Captain America. It had seemed his star had fizzled out after he left One Tree Hill. Even news of an upcoming film with Tommy Lee didn't seem to help his decline. However, putting on some tights and holding a patriotic shield? Welcome back, Chad!

3. Chad Smith - (Last week: NR) - Our biggest Chad jumper of the week. This Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer has been receiving votes for the last few polls but it was the announcement of his supergroup Chickenfoot's returning to the studio that has this pollmaker psyched. I don't listen to Chickenfoot but I love me some good Chad news.

4. Chad Trujillo - (Last week: 4) - It looked like this was the week the astronomer would crack the Top 3. Voters want a career that consists of more than the discovery of a dwarf planet bigger than Pluto. Some Chads get complacent. It's been five years, Chad. We can only hold this spot for so long.

5. Chad Vader - (Last week: 3) - This Chad has done well for himself and is the only fictional character to ever crack the Top 10. (Unless you count Chad Durbin because I don't acknowledge the existence of any Philadelphia Phillies.) Unfortunately, the much anticipated third season of his web series has yet to premiere. The internet world wants more fake Chad.

6. Chad Kroeger - (Last week: 2) - Not a good week for the lead singer of Nickelback. He is about to have less Facebook fans than a pickle. Also, he sings for Nickelback. It is only a matter of time before he drops off completely. Might want to go back to school and do something to help society, Chad.

7. Chad Pennington - (Last week: 8) - He may never throw a pass again but that's great for his NFL record for career passing percentage. Throwing anymore will probably just ruin that especially since he now has the arm strength of the quarterback on "Glee." Unlike Number 4 Chad, it's time to be complacent. Stick to charity. That's good stuff, Chad.

8. Chad Hugo - (Last week: 9) - I heard one of his songs on the radio last week so that must have been cool for him.

9. Chad of Mercia - (Last week: 10) - He is responsible for bringing Christianity to central England. That doesn't go away and neither does this Chad. Central Englanders love their Christianity.*

10. Chad Allan - (Last week: 6) - This unfortunate singer of The Guess Who misheard and showed up at the Super Bowl to perform in the Halftime Show. He was escorted out by security after getting into a terrible Abbott and Costello-esque "I'm from The Guess Who/The police don't like guessing games, sir" exchange. Hope next week is better, Chad.

Dropped from the rankings: Norman Chad

*Not confirmed.