Tor's News Nuggets: 6/3/09

Authorities ordered the removal of 18000 cases of Red Bull in Hong Kong after it was discovered that there were traces of cocaine in the cans. Drinkers reported that the beverage gave them wings and the wings flapped "like so much faster than usual." No word yet on what ingredient is causing the wing hallucinations.

A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. today. The statue is in honor of all the major contributions Reagan made to the American people and is also one last F You to Bonzo.

A Brooklyn man is going to be the first to get married in zero gravity when he and his fiance exchange vows at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Once officially married, the groom will come crashing to the ground because you can't float with a ball and chain. Am I right? Am I?

The Obama family dog, Bo, was caught on film biting a reporter's microphone wire. Because of Bo's ingenious method of keeping the media from badgering the President, the dog will take over as White House Press Secretary.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. He will be remembered as the first person to put a shrimp on a barbie. 

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. That's Australian for old.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. The last two jokes will make him roll in his grave but in the opposite direction that he would roll if he were in the USA.