CDC You Real Soon, Beer Pong

Doctors have determined that playing beer pong can lead to the transfer of the flu, mono, or even herpes. This doesn't make any sense. How can drinking a cup of beer that's had a ball that's been on a dorm room floor countless times the least bit dangerous? I mean you rinse it off in that rarely-changed cup of tepid water each time it hits the ground. A tepid water rinse is to disease what the morning-after pill is to babies. And I don't even need that one year in the Pre-Med program at Seton Hall to tell you that. That's why every guy dips his junk in warm water after a night with a particularly dirty hooker. It's the responsible thing to do.

These doctors are a bunch of nerds who were not allowed to play this great game and are now using their "science" to ruin things for the rest of us fun people. These doctors may ask, "How do you explain all of the sickness and disease among people who play beer pong?" To them, I say, "Coincidence. Mere coincidence." I'm sure the stomach flu I get every time I go to the city and then eat is because I forget to wash my hands after holding the pole in the subway car. Sure, doctors. Sure. Why don't you go play your Warcrafts or build your telescopes and leave the cool people alone?