Stupid Sexy Flanders*

About.com has named Ned Flanders the sexiest animated character on TV. I thought we should examine all the things that must have led up to this decision.

1. The Streetcar Named Desire - This is the first time Ned really bares what is beneath his go-to green sweater. Jon Lovitz (playing himself) assigns him the role of Stanley simply because of his chiseled frame. Ned need not audition. This is really what being sexy is all about. You don't need to do anything to get ahead. You just need to exist. Well, Ned existed his way into a starring role. I won't even go into the passionate roll on the floor with Marge's Blanche. 

2. The Ski Suit - After you've proven that you are sexy while baring it all, the next thing is to keep that sexiness while wearing fabric. To me, true clothed sexiness went out the window when people stopped wearing fluorescent-striped bike shorts in the early 90s. Spandex is so sensual. You know who else thinks so? Ned Frickin' Flanders! Witness his awesome hind quarters in the pic below.

To drive the point home, there is this bit of genius. (Caution, it's hypnotic.)

3. The Dating Video - I think everyone would agree that the greatest asset a sexy person could have is a large sex organ, be it a huge penis or a huge vagina. And we learned that Ned is packing the former when Homer caught him in the shower. As you can glimpse below, Ned is hung like a bear, a bear with elephantitis and then a subsequent allergic reaction to a bee sting on his genitals. It should also be noted that during this montage, "I'm Too Sexy" was playing. Need more? Yes? Then, star wipe to number 4.

4. Rod and Todd - Ned is totally devoted to his kids. He doesn't even care that the newspapers claim "Todd smells." He stands behind them 100 percent and what can be sexier than that?

That is why no one comes close. Everybody may hate him but you can't help but be attracted to him.

* Stupid as said by me if it was 1990 and I was the lead singer of Digital Underground.