Going To The Movies: Jack Bauer

It is actually harder than you would think to make a movie date with Jack Bauer. Jack was able to give me a couple of hours last Sunday because it's his "day of rest." His words. I think he's buying into replacing Chuck Norris as a butt-kickin' deity a little too much.

Anyway, we went to see "Taken." Before the movie started, I asked him if he needed to use the bathroom and he looked at me and, after a brief pause, we both broke into hysterics. I laughed until my sides hurt. He was stone-faced and made these awkward grunts that he assured me were the closest he gets to laughter. It sounded like a rhino groaning with the hiccups. It was creepy but I can't tell you what a confidence boost it was as an unknown comedian to make Jack Bauer laugh. I will have that forever.

On a side note, Jack Bauer is aware of all the "Why doesn't he go to the bathroom?" jokes and is not happy about it. He was born without a bladder. He sweats out any liquid waste he generates through his groin. Jack Bauer must have the worst case of swamp ass on the planet. It's a good thing he's on our side with that chemical warfare in his pants. He didn't laugh when I said that and I faced forward until the end of the movie.

Kevin

Is there anything you want to say before we begin the review?

Jack Bauer

The following takes place between 4:24 and-

Kevin

You keep a timeline for life, too? What are you going to tell your diary about me?

(mocking)

Dear Jack's diary, today I-

Jack Bauer stares at Kevin.

Kevin

Sorry. Now that I made you laugh, I need to do it again. It's an addiction. Let's talk about "Taken."

Jack Bauer

I thought it was fine.

Kevin

That's it?

Jack Bauer

Yeah.

Kevin

Um...What if I told you that, unless you give me a good review about the movie, the President will die at the top of the hour.

Jack Bauer grabs Kevin by the throat and pushes him into the wall.

Jack Bauer

You did something to the President. Big mistake.

Kevin

(choking)

I was just trying-

Jack Bauer

TELL ME WHAT YOU DID!

Kevin

(crying)

NOTHING! I WAS TRYING-

Jack keeps one hand on Kevin's throat. He takes out his cell phone.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Chloe, what's the status of the President?

Chloe

(on speaker)

One second, Jack.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Now, Chloe, it's important!

Chloe

(on speaker)

Easy, Jack. You're supposed to be relaxing. Doctor's orders.

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

How can I relax when pissants like this can get to the President!?!

Chloe

(on speaker)

The President is fine. He is playing basketball with his friends.

Kevin

That's what I was saying. I was kid-

Jack Bauer

(on phone)

Are you sure?

Chloe

(on speaker)

Yes, Jack. I will send an image to your phone.

Jack hangs up with Chloe and checks the picture of the President playing basketball.

Jack Bauer

Why would you do that?

Kevin

I figured if you thought the President was in danger, you would be a better interview.

Jack Bauer releases Kevin's throat.

Jack Bauer

I have to go.

(starts to leave)

The movie was fine but I could have gotten his daughter back in 45 minutes. Good bye, Mr. Tor and grow up.

Jack Bauer walks away.

Kevin

I will, Mr. Bauer, sir. Sorry again.

(calls after him)

You should try Chamomile tea. To relax.

(to the camera)

Well, that's it for Going to the Movies with Jack Bauer. Taken was an effective thriller and Liam Neeson was kinda bad ass. Go see it. In closing, if I'm not in holding for whatever rogue agency Jack Bauer now works for, I'll see you next time.