Live Blogging My 30th Birthday

8:42 - I'm officially 30 now. My 20s are behind me. I see good things, especially if it's filled with all the wonderful people that wished me well today. Take care. Live blogging out. Happy New Year, All!

7:15 - I think I need to get a yard and a porch so I can yell at kids if they get too close.

6:49 - I think I've used more exclamation points today than in my previous 30 years. I don't think my aging heart can take this much textual excitement. It better not keep up.

6:37 - My cool birthday gift is that News Askew, the official news website for all things Kevin Smith have recognized my 30s porn and put it on their site.

I can't begin to describe how much this means to me and that it got posted on my birthday is incredible. I love Kevin Smith so much (So why don't I marry him? Grow up.) and the fact that he may see it is just too much to process. I made the video in the hopes of this happening. I'm very happy with the over 10000 views on YouTube but this is what it was all about. Happy Birthday, me!

6:35 - My birth time was 8:42 PM so I am not officially 30. Still I feel 30. I'm just waiting for the announcement of three of my favorite bands from college doing a concert together at the local arts center.

6:16 - Home from the doc. The dogs are walked. Moved twitter updates here. Will continue updates after I thank everyone on Facebook.

5:02 - I miss my couch.

4:46 - I got it. Doogie ending: Smirk. But going to the doctor can add a bigger chunk onto the end. Nope. That sucked. Damn.

4:35 - This is a significant chunk of my birthday in a doctor's office. Um...I'm trying to have smirking epiphany like Doogie Howser.

4:25 - Rob Thomas, I have to ask you to leave my bday. You're going to have to be lonely for a little more. I refuse to bop along.

3:52 - Bad Day is playing in the waiting room. I can honestly say with the facebook love, I have not had one. Thanks all.

3:46 - I got a really cool birthday gift that I am going to be mysterious about until I can have more than 140 spaces to talk.

3:40 - I'm actually at the podiatrist. I apologize for the cheap ass joke but if this guy touches my bum...there will be words.

3:35 - At the doctor as you should be on your 30th bday. Its times like these I wish my prostate was on the outside of my body.

2:30 - I'm leaving birthday lunch +52 in my bad cholesterol and going dark like Jack Bauer for an hour or so.

1:50 - They changed the chicken tenders at fridays. They taste like chicken mcnuggets now. I should have just licked the floor.

1:25 - The whole party is here now so we can celebrate fridays style. They checked my id and Joe was angry they did not realize it was my birthday despite his "read the date" blatant nudges.

1:05 - I got my girly drink and my friends are here. Wendy got engaged. Congrats to Wendy and Eric.

12:50 - I'm glad Guy Fieri is a meal chef guru for Fridays now and not the lead singer of Smash Mouth.

12:23 - I'm at Fridays waiting for my friends to show. This is probably the best way to kick off my 30s health-wise.

11:50 - On the road. Next update at the restaurant otherwise my wife will kill me for texting and driving.

11:46 - when I got out of the shower, I only put deodorant on one pit. Is this the first sign of senility? Sigh.

11:27 - Ok, first we have a correction. I forgot about a gchat birthday wish so number 30 was Bill Franke. Well done, Bill. Next, my wife called to wish me "Happy Birthday." Yay, the suspense is over. She claims a Facebook status earlier in the morning but I doubt it. Not even worth checking. Also, a new comment from "Anonymous" on this blog entry states "My husband is a jerk." Weird. Some poor wife must have gone through to same thing on her birthday and wants me to know I'm not alone. Alright, I am off to birthday lunch with some friends. I will be liveblogging over at Twitter (follow me) and on Facebook statuses until I get home. Thanks for reading.

11:00 - Now I'm getting in the shower but number 30 came in and it wasn't wifey. Thanks, Holly.

10:54 - Getting in the shower. Maybe I'll leave one spot unwashed so I can smell the last of my 20s stank whenever I want.

10:50 - I figured it out. My wife is waiting to be the 30th person to wish me Happy Birthday on my 30th birthday which takes place on the 30th. She's so sweet.

10:26 - Time to pick up more poo. I feel like the plastic bag is not enough buffer.

10:17 - My wife is fine. She's just making me sweat it out.

10:14 - Why does HBO hate me? I checked their lineup for the day and it includes Racing Stripes and Firehouse Dog. I hate when animals do things like talk or fight fires. And Showtime has Charlotte's Web. That's just great. Thanks, Starz. I guess Daddy Day Camp (the sequel Eddie Murphy considered not good enough to do) is my premium channel movie gift.

10:05 - I just sent my wife an email to make sure she made it to work. I don't want to be the bastard that is complaining about no birthday wishes when something terrible happened to her. Still, she could have wished it before she left and something terrible happened. 

9:57 - Sportscenter is doing a piece about Tiger Woods and LeBron James because they were also both born today. The piece is entitled "Great Birthdays." I was not included but I also don't play a sport. It wouldn't make sense. Still, both are endorsed by Nike. I think I should at least get a pair of sneakers from Nike for being born today. Stupid giant sports apparel and equipment company! Recognize, Nike!

9:53 - I find that I like Rob Thomas more. Not even Matchbox 20 but Rob Thomas solo. Is this part of turning 30? I don't want it. I have this urge to download "Streetcorner Symphony" but I'm fighting it. I don't want my iTunes recommendations to say "You may also enjoy Propecia, Rectal Exams, and Jon Secada."

9:40 - Let's get back to this porn twin. I'm going to assume that my smut doppelganger is in hetero porn. I have a gay twin and that's Norman from the first Real World. So there are videos out there with someone who looks a lot like me doing it up with porn ladies (maybe at the same time?). I've said this before in one of my Tor's Take vlogs: I'm not a porn guy. But I think I would watch someone who looks like me in a porn (probably no more than once unless I give a tremendous performance). For most straight guys, watching a porn is weird because you have to see some dude grunting and groaning over the girl but what if you were the dude? Ignore the narcissistic undertones, that's gotta be better. Right? Still pondering.

9:30 - Now I'm sad that my wife doesn't read my blog. I mean if I had to pick the one person who visits my blog every day, it would be her. I guess I was wrong.

8:55 - My wife loves me. I know she does but the Astrology spam in my yahoo email wished me Happy Birthday before her now. Spam, boo? Really?

8:35 - One of my dear friends, Jenn Rolnick-something-else wished me Happy Birthday and said I was her rock star mostly because I perform on stage and make creative things that some people enjoy. I do appreciate that but I am not a rock star nor can I ever become one. For one, I don't think I can ever be confident enough to stop singing and assume the crowd will take over the song while I hold the mic towards them. How awkward would it be if 40000 people just stared back at you with "Why did he stop singing?" looks. Also, I would probably stop everything in the middle of my ballad if I saw lighters or cell phones swaying and ask them to stop immediately and then scold them about how they should know better. Besides that, I hate bus rides and leather. 

8:15 - I checked my latest video on YouTube because I'm obsessed with reading comments even though they are supposed to roll off my back. My friend Maryanne said that when she turned 30, she stopped caring about what other people thought. It shut off like a switch or like when Sylvester Stallone turns his hat around in Over the Top but I don't think that happened. Still, the latest comment was from Blovinjack:

"WAIT isnt this guy a porn star? like fo reals?"

I am not a porn star but I am curious to see my porn twin. Having a porn twin would be sweet because...well, I don't know why but I have all day to think about it. On How I Met Your Mother, Ted Mosby finds out that there's a porn star that uses his name as his porn name. I'm not sure what's better: seeing your name on a porn box or your face.

8:01 - I watched my wife put her coat on and kiss me goodbye. There were no hidden Happy Birthday messages on that kiss. That kiss goodbye could have happened on August 5th. What's the deal? I know the jig is up when she sees this but I'm up to 17 Facebook people wishing me Happy Birthday before her. Sad, wifey. Sad.

7:56 - My wife just yelled out from the bathroom.

Wife

Hey baby?

Me

(expectantly)

Yes?

Wife

What time is it?

7:54 - Facebook has wished me a Happy Birthday before my wife.

7:25 - Got up, walked the dogs and picked up poop, had a glass of Metamucil. This is how every 30th birthday probably begins. Stared at my wife awkwardly before I walked the dogs but she did not wish me a Happy Birthday. Maybe after she gets out of the shower.

#1 Featured Comedy on U.S. YouTube

First Canada, now my own country. It looks so nice like that. I really can't say enough about Ces and Sara and all the wonderful comments I've gotten. Thanks to the guys at YouTube for featuring it. It means so much.

As Ron Burgundy suggests, I will "drink it in."

Fornication Talkie #1 Featured Video in Canada!!!

Our great friends to the north have given me an early Christmas present. Thanks Canada! Happy Holidays to you.

Zachariah and Millicent Make a Fornication Talkie

Do you ever wonder what would happen if Kevin Smith made movies in the 30s and not today? Well, then you're obviously not me...or from Jersey.

If I could ever have something labeled a passion project on YouTube, this would be it. I'm a huge Kevin Smith fan and I hope through the magic of the internet, he will see this one day. I write comedy because of him.

Special thanks to the amazing Sara Benincasa (who is so much more than Sarah Palin) and the incomparable Francesco Marciuliano (who is not capable of being compared to things).

Written by Kevin Tor
Directed by Francesco Marciuliano

Tor's Holiday Gifts: My Name Is Earl

For the cast of My Name Is Earl, I would get the following:

• Earl - For Karma to keep doing what it's doing
• Randy - A pop-up book version of Earl's list for better understanding
• Joy - A pink and sparkly "World's Greatest Mom" shirt with matching hair accessories
• Crab Man - Membership into The Office's "Finer Things Club"
• Catalina -Dr. Scholl's insoles for her platform stripper boots
• Mr. Turtle - Placement into the bottom of a large salad bowl that would then be filled with salad

Tor's Holiday Gifts: House

For the cast of House, I would get the following:

• House - The Jimmy shoes from Seinfeld so he can work out that leg and lose the cane
• Cuddy - A Baby Bjorn big enough to hold House
• Wilson - With his girlfriend dying and all, he really needs to keep busy so a couple of new kinds of cancer
• Thirteen - For the cure for Huntington's to be sex with a black man
• Foreman - Diagnosis contest with House (first to 10 correct diagnoses wins)
• Kutner - A newly opened fifth spot on The Doctors
• Taub - A new sports car that doesn't cause you to admit to infidelity and is electric blue
• Cameron - A terminal illness to befall Chase so she can get really turned on by him
• Chase - A terminal illness with the longest life expectancy

Tor's Holiday Gifts: Gossip Girl

For the cast of Gossip Girl, I would get the following:

• Serena - An ace bandage so she can wrap her breasts Hilary Swank in Boys Don't Cry-style and get them down to a normal feminine contour and a turtleneck
• Blair - For Chuck to recreate the opening scene of Sweet Home Alabama
• Nate - A new dad
• Chuck - Rangers puck signed by the whole team and Nate's new dad if it doesn't work out with Nate
• Jenny - Placebos to replace the Ritalin they obviously put her on when she came back home after being on the verge of emancipating herself
• Dan - First edition copies of Ulysses and Dubliners by James Joyce and a new pair of pants to change into after he unwraps the books
• Rufus - A world tour with Jesse and the Rippers*
• Lily - Backstage passes to above world tour
• Eric - More backstage passes
• Dorota - A free pass to do or say anything she wants to the Waldorfs**

* - Yesss!

** - I would like this to be youtubed.

Tor's Holiday Gifts: How I Met Your Mother

For the cast of How I Met Your Mother, I would get the following:

• Robin - DeGrassi: The Complete Series on DVD and a case of Molson
• Ted - A time machine to go to the future and see who his wife is so he can stop all of his searching and end the frustration of those watching at home (seriously, the show is so good that the identity of the mother has taken a back seat)
• Marshall - A non-profit job that pays like a profit job
• Barney - Using Ted's time machine (after he does to be fair), I would go back in time and bring back Robin Sparkles because if there is anything Barney loves more than regular Robin, it's jailbait Robin
• Lily - A new pair of boots and a book on lying effectively

Betty Crocker Kid

It's my Godfather 2. Well, maybe Matrix Reloaded.

You can watch the original as well.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Drew Carey on Price Is Right

First, watch this up until you are informed to control the pet population. Then, the video has an extra 50 seconds of credits that aren't necessary.

It's the first time it's happened in almost 40 years and that's his reaction?!? C'mon, Drew Carey. I know you don't want to kill any old people with any sudden jumps in volume but this is one of those situations where it's ok to drop a few octogenarians. What a disgrace to the skinny mic.

Blogger's note: Apparently, that same guy got the opening bid (the part after you "come on down") exactly right, too. Maybe Drew didn't react because the guy was a ringer.

The Cure For The Common Cold

As I sit at my computer not feeling well, I came up with a potential cure for the common cold. I've got nothing better to do and I'd really like to get rid of it. I have to murder Common.

Yup, it's time to take down the Grammy-winning musician and respected actor. I think it's like vampirism. If you kill the original vampire, it returns you back to your non-vampire state. If I'm wrong, I'm no worse off than I was before. I'll still be sick. So how do you kill Common? Silver bullets? I think that's what they hit 50 Cent with and he didn't go down. And Common has been around longer than 50. Wooden stake to the heart? I'm not strong enough to carve a wooden stake right now. Can you buy one?

I'm going to come up with something because this cold may go away but that doesn't mean it can't happen again. And what of my future children? How can I look them in the eyes when they're sick knowing I had the chance to save them from those sniffles? I'm coming for you Common! I'm coming because of little Kevin Junior and adorable little Kevina. I'm coming for all of us.

Going To The Movies: Dexter Morgan

With the season finale last night (don't worry, no spoilers ahead), I thought it would be time for me to get over the experience and post the experience of going to the movies with Dexter Morgan. As you will see, it was traumatic and I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get through the transcripts while editing. However, I'm stronger than I thought. Dexter and I went to see Step Brothers over the summer.

Before the transcripts begin, I want to point out that Dexter drove as I didn't want to rent a car for my short duration in Miami. He picked me up at the airport and we headed to the theater. Once the movie was over, we got back in his car. He turned the car on and turned towards me claiming to need something from the back seat. I felt a prick on my neck and then everything went from clear to fuzzy to black.

I open my eyes and wait for things to come into focus. An amorphous shape moves around me. I can't move my body. I appear to be strapped down and it's very cold. Once my vision returns, I see I'm in one of Dexter's kill rooms. I'm naked and held down with saran wrap. I see nicely-framed pictures of Kramer from Seinfeld, Karen from Will and Grace, Coach Lubbock from Just the Ten of Us, and the Noxzema Girl from when she was on Earth 2. Dexter walks into view. He stares at me for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Kevin

Ok, just wait a second.

Dexter

Do you recognize these people?

Kevin

Yeah, they were all on TV.

Dexter

What else?

Kevin

Uh...Oh crap, I had all of those people on Going To The Movies over the years.

Dexter

That's right. But there's more. On May 8, 1998, you went to see Deep Impact with Cosmo Kramer.

Kevin

Yeah, he didn't like Morgan Freeman as President.

Dexter

Good memory. On May 12, 2006, you went to see Keeping Up With The Steins with Karen Walker.

Kevin

We both thought Jeremy Piven deserved better.

Dexter

Stop talking. On April 28, 1990, you went to see Cry Baby with Graham Lubbock and on May 27, 1995, you went to see Johnny Mnemonic with Bess Martin. Does all of that ring a bell?

Kevin

Yes. Are you going to kill me?

Dexter

About one week after you had these people on your little show, their respective shows went off the air. Is that a coincidence?

Kevin

Yes. Umm...the first two shows had already decided they were done long before we went to the movies and the last two were just not popular with the public.

Dexter stands there processing what Kevin just said.

Kevin

Are you doing the inner monologue thing? That works on TV but not so much on this blog. Actually, I think there's a button on my tape recorder for inner monologue. It's a fancy one.

Dexter goes over to the recorder, looks at it, and presses a button.

Dexter (V.O.)

-talk his way out of this. This isn't how this was supposed to go.

Kevin

Please let me go.

Dexter

So my show's not going off the air after this?

Kevin

I don't think so. I heard about a two season renewal from Showtime.

Dexter (V.O.)

Two seasons is pretty good but can I let him go? He knows about my process. What would Harry think? Killing him doesn't fit the code that dear old Dad taught me.

There is a long pause.

Dexter

How does this show work?

Kevin

Really? You're letting me go? Ok, we went to the movies and now we talk about it. What did you think of Step Brothers?

Dexter

I didn't really watch it. I spent the whole time playing out your murder in my head.

Kevin

(swallows)

So you didn't find it engaging. Ok...I felt it was a little short of the brilliance of Anchorman and Talladega Nights but I'm sure with multiple watchings on DVD, it will live up to the talent level involved. There were some very quotable lines in it. Adam Scott was hilarious.

Dexter (V.O.)

Maybe I should kill him.

(out loud)

If you say so.

Kevin

Do you want to go see it again?

Dexter

No. That's ok. I have to get back to the station.

Kevin

Ok. I want to thank Dexter Morgan for being on the show...and not killing me.

(nervous laughter)

I think we will be taking a short break before doing another Going To The Movies as I may need many, many sessions with my therapist. See you soon. Take care.

Dexter cleans up the kill room and walks away. Kevin looks down at his naked, saran-wrapped body.

Kevin

Are you going to cut me loose? This metal table is really cold. Dexter? Hello?

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Medium Large

I know I've featured this gentleman before but he's been feeling sick lately and I thought he could use the boost of one or two people checking out his new comic. Today's strip is genius. Enjoy Francesco Marciuliano.
I really liked this one because I truly hate "The Polar Express" and its inclusion in our holiday lives.

To see more of his stuff (including his other holiday-related strips), click here.

Tor's Product Review: Shock Absorber Sports Bra

These sports bras must be fantastic. Just look at them. I took the woman's face out of it to protect her and also because the picture didn't have a face.

I ask you to go to the bra's site. (WARNING: NSFW) Skip the intro, choose a cup size (largest), an activity level (most strenuous) and watch in horror. Once you get over the shock (and juvenile giggles), you may be asking yourself the same thing I am. How many lovely ladies are out there horseback riding with your porn star chests not getting adequate support?

I must say I've learned from this. You should never go running in a regular bra. I think the animation points out how awful that can be. Also, I never realized that women's nipples move around their breasts like they are screensaver icons. Weird. 

All in all, the bra, through the use of animated boob footage, does seem to do its job. I give it the Tor's Product Review seal of approval. 

*Blogger's Note - Special thanks to Dave Metz for showing me this product.

Going To The Movies: Izzie Stevens

Izzie Stevens agreed to get away from Seattle Grace Hospital and go to a movie with me. I flew out Friday night to meet for an afternoon matinee of Four Christmases on Saturday. Izzie continually left to get concessions but never came back with any. She also looked increasingly more unkempt with every return. In all, I would say she saw no more than 45 minutes of the movie.

Kevin

Izzie, thanks for coming out. 

Izzie

(runs fingers through hair)

Thanks for having me.

Kevin

Can I ask you where you went 10 times?

Izzie

I went for snacks.

Kevin

You never came back with snacks. Did you eat them in the lobby on your walk back?

Izzie

(smiles at something to the left)

Yeah, yeah.

Kevin

Are you listening to me?

Izzie

(turns back to me)

Of course.

Kevin

I know you didn't watch most of the movie but what did you think of what you saw?

Izzie ignores the question and laughs off to the left. Kevin stares confused.

Kevin

Izzie!

Izzie

Yeah?

Kevin

Can you ask Denny what he thought of the movie?

Izzie

What?

Kevin

Your dead, ex-lover Denny. You see him sitting next to you. You had sex with him many times during the movie in the dirty theater bathroom. Ask him about the movie.

Izzie

(lots of emotional tears out of nowhere)

How do you know about Denny?

Kevin

How are you crying so fast? Really? A dead guy? There has to be something wrong with your brain. Like seriously wrong. I'm not a doctor like you but you need a CAT scan. How have you not brought yourself in and had Dr. Shepherd look at you?

Izzie

(crying)

Well...I...it just feels really good...you know?

Kevin

I don't know. I like mingling sexually with alive and real people. Dead and/or imaginary is a deal breaker for me. But I'm sure that's true for all non-sociopaths.

Izzie

(crying and yelling)

ARE YOU CALLING ME A SOCIOPATH?!?

Kevin

If the clog fits. I can't believe I flew out for this! Let's wrap it up! Four Christmases was the usual point-the-camera-at-Vince-Vaughn-and-let-him-ramble comedy. Aside from some funny lines, it was a waste of time. I'd like to thank Izzie and Denny for being on the show.

Izzie

(crying)

I hope something bad happens to you.

Kevin

Well, if it does and I die, don't feel bad and have sex with me. I'd rather spend the afterlife doing anything else. 

Space Beer, Really?

Japan has given us some great stuff: anime, the digital watch, a rhyme for a rap lyric ending with "flash in the pan." Now, they give us something even greater. Space beer. That's right. Space beer. But before you get excited and dream of glass bottles with Saturn's rings impossibly floating on the outside, the beer is "made with barley descended from grains that traveled in outer space." That is cheating. Can we really label this "space beer?" If that is the case, you can call me "Underwater Kevin" because my parents' nether regions were underwater at some point before I was born. Great, thanks a lot, Japan. Now, I'm thinking about my parents and their...(shudder).

Here's the thing, space beer should be brewed in space using the heat left behind by a comet or something equally space hot. At the very least, it should be set up and mounted outside the rocket so the hops boiling happens upon reentry. Six packs should come with a cozy shaped like a moon boot. Upon putting the can down, support legs should extend down and dig themselves into the coffee table (unless moon boot cozy is in use). Space dust should be infused in every can leaving a gritty film in your mouth after you swallow. That space dust film lets you know you're not drinking an impostor space beer like the aforementioned Japanese model. When you drink too much of it, your puke should defy gravity and float up to the sky. Am I wrong? What the hell, Japan? Don't you ever get my hopes up like this again! Ever!

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Prop 8 The Musical

Well, it's more important than funny. Still it's a great job by all involved with a stellar cast and an awesome point. Check it out.

Going To The Movies: Charlie Kelly, Dennis Reynolds, and Mac

I was supposed to go to the movies with Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia but things changed. When I went to Paddy's Pub to pick him up, the gang heard that I was paying and wanted in. Dee drew the short straw and had to stay and watch the bar while Dennis, Mac, and Charlie piled into my Camry.  We went to see Australia and after 200 dollars in concession purchases that I agreed to to stop the endless pleading (consisting solely of the word "dude") in the lobby, we sat down in our seats. We managed to make it halfway through before Dennis and Mac walked out to catch the end of Quantum of Solace.

Australia ended and Charlie, who was openly weeping by the end of the movie, followed me out of the theater to conduct the interview portion of the show. Dennis and Mac were waiting in the parking lot comparing biceps and, from what I overheard, determining the advantages of toned versus jacked.

Mac

It's about time. We've been waiting out here forever.

Dennis

Is this when we conduct the interview? Because I have a lot to say about that crapfest.

Mac

Totally.

Kevin

Guys, what could you possibly have to say? You walked out on-

Dennis

Hold that thought. Charlie, are you crying?

Charlie

(wiping his face)

Me? Crying? You're really funny guys.

Mac

I think he's crying.

Dennis

Yeah, he's definitely crying.

Charlie

C'mon, guys. It's allergies.

Dennis

Allergies?

Charlie

Yup. Seasonal allergies.

Dennis

Seasonal allergies. Mac, correct me if I'm wrong.

Mac

Absolutely, Dennis.

Dennis

I'm not a doctor, per se.

Mac

No you are not.

Dennis

But I don't believe there are allergies in Philly in the winter. It would be quite rare.

Mac

Very rare indeed.

Kevin

Guys, leave him alone.

Dennis

Charlie, you have someone fighting your battles now?

Charlie

No! I don't need anybody-

Mac

I'll fight him.

(gets in karate stance)

I learned some new stuff from the Bond movie.

Kevin

I'm not going to fight-

Two attractive women walk past. Mac puts his finger up to me.

Mac

Hold that thought.

Dennis and Mac walk over to the women. They engage them in conversation and continue to walk through the parking lot with them.

Kevin

Why don't we do the interview now that they're gone?

Charlie

Ok.

Kevin

I saw that the movie tugged at your heartstrings.

Charlie

What are you talking about, dude?

Kevin

The movie made you cry.

Charlie

I did not cry at the movie. It was really dusty in there! They should have someone that removes dirt and powder from the ground! What do they call that person? They use soap and brooms. Like what I do at Paddy's in the bathroom.

Kevin

A janitor?

Charlie

Whoa, I am not a janitor!

Kevin

(wipes face in exasperation)

Can we talk about the movie?

Charlie

Can we agree that I wasn't crying and that I'm not a janitor?

Kevin

Sure.

Charlie

Ok. Great. Overall, I thought the movie was good, you know? The musical numbers were not as awesome as I would have liked. I felt like the key was all off. I'm not sure the name of the key they should have used but it was different, you know, dude? Nicole Kidman would have sounded so much better if she were down another octave, right?

Kevin stares in disbelief.

Charlie

The love story was totally there, though. I bought it. Like when Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman get all up in each other's faces...and then that kiss. That was true love. 

Kevin

Wow. Charlie, that may have been the first real review we've ever had on this show. I thought the movie was epic and fantastic as well. I guess that's it for Going To The Movies. I'd like to thank Charlie for being on it. Until next time.

(beat)

You're a romantic at heart, aren't you Charlie?

Charlie

Well, there's this waitress that I've had an off and on thing with for a couple of years now. I don't want to say we're soul mates but...

Kevin

She'd be a fool not to be with you.

Charlie

Can you tell her that?

Kevin

What?

Charlie

Can we go down to the coffee shop and tell the waitress what you just said?

Kevin

Umm.

Charlie

Dammit, dude! I did your show! You said I did the best job of anyone you've had on the show! 

Kevin

I didn't say that exactly.

Charlie

It won't take long. Five minutes.

Kevin

I wouldn't feel comfortable.

Kevin heads for his car. Charlie follows close behind.

Charlie

Oh you wouldn't feel comfortable? Poor Kevin wouldn't be comfortable?!? You want to know what's not comfortable? Sharing a bed with my maybe dad every night instead of the love of my life!

Kevin

That's terrible. I'm sorry Charlie.

Charlie

So you'll do it?

Kevin

No.

Kevin gets in his car. Charlie tries to open the passenger door but it's locked. He bangs on the window.

Charlie

(through window)

What the hell, dude?

Kevin

Thanks for doing the show.

Kevin drives off as Charlie shrinks in the rear view mirror.

Happy Thanksgiving

Nope. Nothing funny or attempting to be funny (depends how you view this site). Just simple holiday wishes from me to you, my loyal reader. So be safe and eat a ton (unless you can't for some medical reason then take a big sniff). 

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Tor's Product Review: Sears Vs. Women's Movement

What do feminism and MC Skat Kat have in common? They both took two steps back. (I'm really proud of that one.) How did feminism take a step back you ask? Check out this ad I found in the Sears catalog:

Would you look at that? This holiday season you can give that special lady in your life "the laundry center she's always dreamed of!" Elizabeth Cady Stanton, Susan B. Anthony, and the President that Geena Davis played must be rolling over in their graves. Seriously, that's nowhere near the laundry center any of those fine women always dreamed of. Their dream laundry center would be so much more fun. It would come in pink with lots of sparkles all over. When either machine is running,  D'Angelo or David Cassidy would play. Every load of laundry (depending on size) that they complete would result in the dryer dispensing a certain amount of tickets like a skee ball game at the boardwalk. Then, they could trade in the tickets for the right to vote in an upcoming local election or the ability to eat in public. Doesn't that seem much better than the laundry center in the picture? C'mon, Sears, use your imagination.

Turns out they did:

Look how happy she is with her First Kenmore Stove and First Kenmore Fridge. Just adorable. Hey, I have an idea: If you buy the stove and fridge together, why not throw in an arm that she can use to smack herself in the face when she doesn't finish pretend dinner on time?
Wow, Sears. Wow.

Going To The Movies: Chuck Bass

I went to see a private screening for the second time in a row. I guess there’s something to going to the movies with Manhattan’s elite. I was shocked when Chuck Bass accepted my invitation and jumped at the opportunity to shoot the movie poop with a socially superior teenager. We went to see Twilight, the sure-to-be hit based on the massively successful novels.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

What?

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Do you really talk that low? Hold on.

Kevin gets up and grabs a megaphone. He comes back and places it in front of Chuck. Kevin presses "ON."

Kevin

Talk.

Chuck Bass

(through megaphone)

This is ridiculous.

Kevin

Perfect. How did you like the movie?

Chuck Bass

I didn't. I thought it was a huge waste of time.

Kevin

Really? I thought it would be right up your alley. You dress like a vampire.

Chuck Bass

My scarf costs more than your life.

Kevin

And it looks adorable on you.

Chuck Bass

I'm going to leave. If you'll excuse me.

Chuck Bass stands.

Kevin

Chuck, wait. I'm sorry. I guess I just get so jealous of the lush life you lead at such a young age. Smack talking is just a defense mechanism for me. I apologize.

Chuck Bass

(inaudible muttering)

Kevin

Into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass sits, rolls his eyes, and leans into the megaphone.

Chuck Bass

Apology accepted. Let's get on with this. I have an appointment with my financial advisor at 4:30.

Kevin

What didn't you like about Twilight?

Chuck Bass

The idea that a vampire, or any man for that matter, would risk his life in the name of love is absurd.

Kevin

How can you be so jaded at such a young age?

Chuck Bass

I'm merely a realist. The only person who truly matters in your life is yourself. Anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.

Kevin

Well, I think it was believable.

Chuck Bass

That's because people like you need to have Hollywood-manufactured hope to escape their mundane, little lives.

Kevin

Ok, I'm insulted. We're good here. This show's supposed to be fun.

(mocking Gossip Girl)

Spotted: Chuck Bass being a wet blanket on comic's movie show. Looks like this comic's relief will come when Chuck walks off the set. XOXO.

(normal to camera)

I'd like to thank Chuck Bass for coming by. He hated the movie like he hates everything else. Hopefully, his dad will give him a hug one of these days and he'll come out of that hug seeing the world in brilliant Panasonic color. I found the movie to be worth the hype. Tune in next time when I go to the movies with Charlie from "It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia."

There's No Getting Up This Time

I found this by my car yesterday at the supermarket. I guess you can only piss the night away for so long. And now I'd like to applaud the person who lasted the longest before they became fed up with tubs being thumped. Congrats on setting the bar at 11 years. Myself, I lasted three months and before I fed it to a goat that I then hit with a bus.

Going To The Movies: Jack Donaghy

When Jack Donaghy finally agreed to be on my show, I was elated. It took a rather extensive vetting process by his assistant, Jonathan, but I got through it with merely a warning.

Jack and I went to see "Quantum of Solace," the new James Bond film. We got a private screening in the Scheinhardt Wig Company's personal theater. I was pretty impressed with Mr. Donaghy's ability to procure a copy of the film being that it was Tuesday and the film did not officially come out until Friday. That state of impression lasted two minutes into the movie when the people on the screen began speaking in poorly dubbed German with no subtitles. 

Kevin

I don't know what we're going to talk about but let's begin.

Jack Donaghy

I really don't know why you're upset.

Kevin

The movie was in German and there were no subtitles!

Jack Donaghy

I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice. Germans would not appreciate you shouting in regards to their beautiful language.

Kevin

You speak German?

Jack Donaghy

Of course I do. I'm not a plebeian. Or plebejer.

Kevin

So you understood the movie.

Jack Donaghy

Well, I understood the words they were saying but as for the movie, it made no sense from a business perspective. Kevin, how many products do you think there should be in a 106 minute movie? Ballpark.

Kevin

What do you mean?

Jack Donaghy

Product placment. Like the coke at the party or the Ford-

(shudders)

that the Russian girl drove. How many do you think there should be in 106 minutes?

Kevin

(exasperated)

I don't know. Ten?

Jack Donaghy

What? No. 18997.

Kevin

(not interested anymore)

Wow.

Jack Donaghy and Kevin sit awkwardly across from each other for a few moments. Jack is staring Kevin down.

Kevin

You want me to ask you how you came up with that number.

Jack Donaghy

Yes I do. It's a very impressive formula.

Kevin

Fine. Jack, how did you come up with-what was the number?

Jack Donaghy

18997.

Kevin

Right. How did you come up with 18997?

Jack Donaghy

I'm glad you asked. The movie is 106 minutes as we stated earlier. According to a study at Simon Fraser University, home of the fighting Clan, the average human attention span is 8 seconds. That breaks down to exactly 795 attention spans in the movie.

Kevin

I don't think that's how it-

Jack Donaghy

You take that number and multiply it times the combined total of the number of non-duplicated breasts, 32, and the number of abs James Bond has, 8. So 40 times 795 which is 31800.

Kevin

Wait, how does Bond have 8 abs?

Jack Donaghy

The two muscular bulges on his chest are not pecs. They are two more ab muscles that, through the use of a customized undergarment, are repositioned on the body so as not to make him look like a freak. We actually sell a Greenzo-themed version in the NBS store.

Kevin

I'll check that out. Are we done?

Jack Donaghy

Almost, we forgot the Dame Judy Dench factor or the DJD. The DJD is a number representing the inverse hotness of the acclaimed actress, how much she detracts from the overall sexiness of the film. The current market has the DJD at 1.674. You divide that into our previous number, round up, and that's how you get 18997.

Kevin

Fascinating.

Jack Donaghy

Yes it is.

Kevin looks at his bare wrist.

Kevin

Oh, look at the time. That's it for our show. My thoughts on Quantum of Solace will have to wait. For what it's worth, it looked good. I want to thank Jack Donaghy for being here and, I guess, educating us.

Jack Donaghy

My pleasure.

Kevin

Right. See you next time on Going to the Movies.

Remember The 90s Products: House of Pain

This is the first video in a series of commercials from Remember The 90s, a product company helping your favorite music stars from the 90s make some extra scratch. This is the new product from House of Pain with spokesman Everlast.

Thanks to Francesco Marciuliano for directing it and providing me with water to soothe my throat.

Tor's Product Review: Part Fun, Part Onesie. Let's Call It A Funsie!

Babies go to the bathroom in their clothes and it's not their fault. That's why I think it's great that someone came up with this:

There's nothing like teaching your child to deflect blame at the earliest age possible. Is this supposed to be adorable? Think about the poor dog. Can the dog wear a shirt that says, "That baby's a frickin' liar!" Then the fight would be on, t-shirt style. I would continue to rant about this but then I ran across this shirt by the same company:

Nothing takes a messy problem and turns it into a laugh like an outdated shit pun. Am I right?I'm not. There is still poop in that baby's pants! What was the problem? Were these taken?

1. Crapper's Delight
2. Stools Rush In (To My Diaper)
3. A Turd In The Pants Is From Poo In The Tush
4. Carpe BM

Seriously, I weep for society. Leave babies alone. They deal with enough crap that we don't have to call attention to it and mock them.

Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.

Fred

The following video was a finalist at the UCB Web Video Cram-Off and therefore aired as part of the New York Comedy Festival which is pretty frakkin' cool. You had one week based on the suggestion word "bait" to write, shoot, and edit a sketch. I'd like to thank Morgan Venticinque and Chris Sifflet for being in it as well as myself for writing it.

While this video is a loser, there is still room for it in my heart but it's towards the back of my heart where that slight weakness in the wall is that the doctors wouldn't detect even with a thorough heart examination* and which will kill me early.

* "A thorough heart examination involves removing the heart from the chestal cavity and looking all around it through those fancy magnification glasses that surgeons like to wear when they are doing tiny work." - American Journal of Medicine

I Didn't Think We Can

I descended the stairs today unconsciously singing "Ooh Child." Screaming "Someday!" over and over again on my way to the kitchen, I played back what happened yesterday. Barack Obama was elected President of the United States. 

I felt the same way. Way to take the first step in the right direction, America.

VOTE!!!!!

Voting is very important but don't just take my word for it. Take the word of someone you might be attracted to.

"I like someone who votes. Fixing my bike would be a bonus."

"Pulling the voting handle is good practice for me. See you after you vote."

"Um...woof?"

"Really? You want to get with me? A tree. Well, as long as you vote. Wait a second! I can talk! Oh my gosh! Do you think they'll have me on The View? I love Whoopi! I guess I can just march myself-oh, right....Just vote. I'll be right here."

Well, there you go. Get out there and vote. Someone special might be waiting for you when you get home.

Going To The Movies: Hiro Nakamura

I took Heroes' Hiro Nakamura to see Max Payne with me. I've been meaning to go to the movies with him for a while but he's been too busy sucking the life out of his TV show to make it. Finally, the timing worked out.

Kevin

Thanks for being on the show.

Hiro

Thank you for having me.

Kevin's chair falls. He gets up off the ground and sees the chair only has three legs. Someone brings a new chair.

Kevin

What the hell?

Hiro

"Sucking the life out of his TV show."

Kevin

Excuse me?

Hiro

I read the transcript of this show.

Kevin

You went forward in time just to read how this conversation was going to go and then you froze time to saw the leg off of my chair? 

Hiro smiles and nods.

Kevin

You really are a waste of superpowers.

Kevin is all of a sudden naked.

Kevin

And now you've undressed me. This is real mature.

(crosses legs)

We should talk about the movie. How did you feel about it?

Hiro

A hero does not act like that. A hero is not reckless.

Kevin

Yeah, but with your back against the wall and nothing to lose, don't you do whatever it takes to remove evil?

Hiro

A hero must be mentally strong and maintain honor. The forces of evil want you to be aggressive and not think properly. It is a hero's duty to resist the temptation to-

Kevin

(yawns loudly)

Sweet crap, you're more boring in person than on screen.

(losing patience)

Did you like the movie? Yes or no.

Hiro

The purpose of-

Kevin

(angrier)

Yes or no.

Hiro

No.

Kevin

Fine. To recap, I liked it. Hiro didn't. I want to thank Hiro Nakamura for being on the show. I wish him luck saving the world as dully as possible.

A lion roars from off camera.

Kevin

(incredulous)

You put a lion on the set.

Hiro

(smiling)

And he's hungry.

Hiro disappears from his seat. The roar gets louder.

Kevin

(frozen in place)

I hope to see you next time on Going To The Movies. Someone call animal control.