A Man's Man's Review of "He's Just Not That Into You"

In order to prepare myself for this chick flick, I threw down five brewskis (or brewdawgs, depending on your geographical location) and waited for them to reach my bladder. I took the DVD out of the case and peed all over it before I popped it into the player. After a quick run to Best Buy to get a new DVD player (and a "defective" disc return to Blockbuster), I settled in with a bucket of wings and a mini-keg of Heineken.

After I press play, there's a little girl building a sand castle and this boy comes up to her and pushes her to the ground. It's hilarious. I almost spit out my beer. That girl grows up, I think, and she has hot friends like the girl from "The Hulk" and Rachel from "Friends." They start blabbering about something dumb that I could not understand, probably "Sex and the City."

From what I could tell, "Hulk" girl is married to the douchebag from "Wedding Crashers" but he's not happy with her after falling for Scarlett Johansson at a grocery store. Rachel wants to marry Good Will Hunting's boyfriend but he won't because he knows he's getting cow milk for free. Smart dude. The original girl wants E from "Entourage" but E is into ScarJo who is best friends with the grown up version of the girl from "Firestarter." Original girl finds out E is really not into her (hey, like the title) from the mouth of the Mac (or the PC, it's the less nerdy one) guy. 

So "Wedding Crashers" guy starts having an affair with ScarJo which is implied as I never get to see any boobs. They make out but that's not cheating. I let it play while I go use the can. These wings are going right through me.

We're back. I took a little longer than expected because the bisexual girl from "House" is on the cover of the new Maxim. Holy crap! She's an 11! What's going on in the movie? Oh look, original girl is being boring while on the phone with the Mac guy (Googled it). What a surprise. This movie blows. I'm going to line up some shots of Jager. Something's going to get me through this.

Drinking game: Every time a girl on the screen whines, I do a shot.

Firestarrter!1! tWistd Fieestarrer! Woowoowoowoo! Woowoowowowooo!! Wrapp e in a papoose and wakl him around towm! This moovieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh my head. I must have blacked out. Why is the Mac guy kissing that first girl? Why did Affleck ask Rachel to marry him? What's wrong with these guys? Why did they give up? I give it 2 balls undescended. I'm going to the bar to drink through this headache and find some women without convictions.

Tor's Holiday Gifts: House

For the cast of House, I would get the following:

• House - The Jimmy shoes from Seinfeld so he can work out that leg and lose the cane
• Cuddy - A Baby Bjorn big enough to hold House
• Wilson - With his girlfriend dying and all, he really needs to keep busy so a couple of new kinds of cancer
• Thirteen - For the cure for Huntington's to be sex with a black man
• Foreman - Diagnosis contest with House (first to 10 correct diagnoses wins)
• Kutner - A newly opened fifth spot on The Doctors
• Taub - A new sports car that doesn't cause you to admit to infidelity and is electric blue
• Cameron - A terminal illness to befall Chase so she can get really turned on by him
• Chase - A terminal illness with the longest life expectancy

Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.