Going To The Movies: Jack Donaghy

When Jack Donaghy finally agreed to be on my show, I was elated. It took a rather extensive vetting process by his assistant, Jonathan, but I got through it with merely a warning.

Jack and I went to see "Quantum of Solace," the new James Bond film. We got a private screening in the Scheinhardt Wig Company's personal theater. I was pretty impressed with Mr. Donaghy's ability to procure a copy of the film being that it was Tuesday and the film did not officially come out until Friday. That state of impression lasted two minutes into the movie when the people on the screen began speaking in poorly dubbed German with no subtitles. 

Kevin

I don't know what we're going to talk about but let's begin.

Jack Donaghy

I really don't know why you're upset.

Kevin

The movie was in German and there were no subtitles!

Jack Donaghy

I'm going to have to ask you to lower your voice. Germans would not appreciate you shouting in regards to their beautiful language.

Kevin

You speak German?

Jack Donaghy

Of course I do. I'm not a plebeian. Or plebejer.

Kevin

So you understood the movie.

Jack Donaghy

Well, I understood the words they were saying but as for the movie, it made no sense from a business perspective. Kevin, how many products do you think there should be in a 106 minute movie? Ballpark.

Kevin

What do you mean?

Jack Donaghy

Product placment. Like the coke at the party or the Ford-

(shudders)

that the Russian girl drove. How many do you think there should be in 106 minutes?

Kevin

(exasperated)

I don't know. Ten?

Jack Donaghy

What? No. 18997.

Kevin

(not interested anymore)

Wow.

Jack Donaghy and Kevin sit awkwardly across from each other for a few moments. Jack is staring Kevin down.

Kevin

You want me to ask you how you came up with that number.

Jack Donaghy

Yes I do. It's a very impressive formula.

Kevin

Fine. Jack, how did you come up with-what was the number?

Jack Donaghy

18997.

Kevin

Right. How did you come up with 18997?

Jack Donaghy

I'm glad you asked. The movie is 106 minutes as we stated earlier. According to a study at Simon Fraser University, home of the fighting Clan, the average human attention span is 8 seconds. That breaks down to exactly 795 attention spans in the movie.

Kevin

I don't think that's how it-

Jack Donaghy

You take that number and multiply it times the combined total of the number of non-duplicated breasts, 32, and the number of abs James Bond has, 8. So 40 times 795 which is 31800.

Kevin

Wait, how does Bond have 8 abs?

Jack Donaghy

The two muscular bulges on his chest are not pecs. They are two more ab muscles that, through the use of a customized undergarment, are repositioned on the body so as not to make him look like a freak. We actually sell a Greenzo-themed version in the NBS store.

Kevin

I'll check that out. Are we done?

Jack Donaghy

Almost, we forgot the Dame Judy Dench factor or the DJD. The DJD is a number representing the inverse hotness of the acclaimed actress, how much she detracts from the overall sexiness of the film. The current market has the DJD at 1.674. You divide that into our previous number, round up, and that's how you get 18997.

Kevin

Fascinating.

Jack Donaghy

Yes it is.

Kevin looks at his bare wrist.

Kevin

Oh, look at the time. That's it for our show. My thoughts on Quantum of Solace will have to wait. For what it's worth, it looked good. I want to thank Jack Donaghy for being here and, I guess, educating us.

Jack Donaghy

My pleasure.

Kevin

Right. See you next time on Going to the Movies.