I was supposed to go to the movies with Charlie from It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia but things changed. When I went to Paddy's Pub to pick him up, the gang heard that I was paying and wanted in. Dee drew the short straw and had to stay and watch the bar while Dennis, Mac, and Charlie piled into my Camry. We went to see Australia and after 200 dollars in concession purchases that I agreed to to stop the endless pleading (consisting solely of the word "dude") in the lobby, we sat down in our seats. We managed to make it halfway through before Dennis and Mac walked out to catch the end of Quantum of Solace.Australia ended and Charlie, who was openly weeping by the end of the movie, followed me out of the theater to conduct the interview portion of the show. Dennis and Mac were waiting in the parking lot comparing biceps and, from what I overheard, determining the advantages of toned versus jacked.
Mac
It's about time. We've been waiting out here forever.
Dennis
Is this when we conduct the interview? Because I have a lot to say about that crapfest.
Mac
Totally.
Kevin
Guys, what could you possibly have to say? You walked out on-
Dennis
Hold that thought. Charlie, are you crying?
Charlie
(wiping his face)
Me? Crying? You're really funny guys.
Mac
I think he's crying.
Dennis
Yeah, he's definitely crying.
Charlie
C'mon, guys. It's allergies.
Dennis
Allergies?
Charlie
Yup. Seasonal allergies.
Dennis
Seasonal allergies. Mac, correct me if I'm wrong.
Mac
Absolutely, Dennis.
Dennis
I'm not a doctor, per se.
Mac
No you are not.
Dennis
But I don't believe there are allergies in Philly in the winter. It would be quite rare.
Mac
Very rare indeed.
Kevin
Guys, leave him alone.
Dennis
Charlie, you have someone fighting your battles now?
Charlie
No! I don't need anybody-
Mac
I'll fight him.
(gets in karate stance)
I learned some new stuff from the Bond movie.
Kevin
I'm not going to fight-
Two attractive women walk past. Mac puts his finger up to me.
Mac
Hold that thought.
Dennis and Mac walk over to the women. They engage them in conversation and continue to walk through the parking lot with them.
Kevin
Why don't we do the interview now that they're gone?
Charlie
Ok.
Kevin
I saw that the movie tugged at your heartstrings.
Charlie
What are you talking about, dude?
Kevin
The movie made you cry.
Charlie
I did not cry at the movie. It was really dusty in there! They should have someone that removes dirt and powder from the ground! What do they call that person? They use soap and brooms. Like what I do at Paddy's in the bathroom.
Kevin
A janitor?
Charlie
Whoa, I am not a janitor!
Kevin
(wipes face in exasperation)
Can we talk about the movie?
Charlie
Can we agree that I wasn't crying and that I'm not a janitor?
Kevin
Sure.
Charlie
Ok. Great. Overall, I thought the movie was good, you know? The musical numbers were not as awesome as I would have liked. I felt like the key was all off. I'm not sure the name of the key they should have used but it was different, you know, dude? Nicole Kidman would have sounded so much better if she were down another octave, right?
Kevin stares in disbelief.
Charlie
The love story was totally there, though. I bought it. Like when Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman get all up in each other's faces...and then that kiss. That was true love.
Kevin
Wow. Charlie, that may have been the first real review we've ever had on this show. I thought the movie was epic and fantastic as well. I guess that's it for Going To The Movies. I'd like to thank Charlie for being on it. Until next time.
(beat)
You're a romantic at heart, aren't you Charlie?
Charlie
Well, there's this waitress that I've had an off and on thing with for a couple of years now. I don't want to say we're soul mates but...
Kevin
She'd be a fool not to be with you.
Charlie
Can you tell her that?
Kevin
What?
Charlie
Can we go down to the coffee shop and tell the waitress what you just said?
Kevin
Umm.
Charlie
Dammit, dude! I did your show! You said I did the best job of anyone you've had on the show!
Kevin
I didn't say that exactly.
Charlie
It won't take long. Five minutes.
Kevin
I wouldn't feel comfortable.
Kevin heads for his car. Charlie follows close behind.
Charlie
Oh you wouldn't feel comfortable? Poor Kevin wouldn't be comfortable?!? You want to know what's not comfortable? Sharing a bed with my maybe dad every night instead of the love of my life!
Kevin
That's terrible. I'm sorry Charlie.
Charlie
So you'll do it?
Kevin
No.
Kevin gets in his car. Charlie tries to open the passenger door but it's locked. He bangs on the window.
Charlie
(through window)
What the hell, dude?
Kevin
Thanks for doing the show.
Kevin drives off as Charlie shrinks in the rear view mirror.
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