Going To The Movies: Dr. Gregory House

I went to see Role Models with Dr. House over the weekend. Well, I accompanied him to the movie so that he could watch another doctor (Dr. Wilson?) go on a date. We sat a few rows back of that couple and House barely paid attention to the movie. Also, he told me to keep it down when I laughed and sent me for concessions multiple times.

Though House refused to come down to the studio to discuss the film, he did agree to let me interview him at Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital. He sits across from me with his feet up on the desk repeatedly tossing a red and grey tennis ball up in the air.

Kevin

So, Dr. House, what did you think of the movie?

Dr. House

She was not his type.

Kevin

Are you talking about Elizabeth Banks' character with Paul Rudd?

Dr. House

Hmm? No, Wilson.

Kevin

The doctor we spied on at the-

Dr. House

It wasn't spying. It was research.

Kevin

That's great, Dr. House but I'd really like to continue with this interview.

Dr. House

Fine.

(yells out into hallway)

Kutner!

A younger doctor walks in. He looks like the guy from Harold and Kumar. Frighteningly similar.

Dr. House

Finish my interview.

Dr. Kutner

Is this for a journal?

Dr. House

Sure.

Dr. House gets up, grabs his cane, and leaves. 

Kevin

Uh, Dr. House?

Dr. Kutner

So who are you with? AMA? NEJM?

Kevin

Tor's Take. I take random people to the movies and we discuss them. Excuse me.

I get up and leave Dr. Kutner confused in House's office. I spend a good amount of time tracking down House. Two hours later, I find him watching a soap opera in the coma ward. I had to steal a doctor's uniform to gain access.

Dr. House

(sarcastically)

Hey, you're not a doctor.

Kevin

Are you really going through all of this to avoid the interview? Why did you agree to go to the movies with me?

Dr. House

Free popcorn and Goobers. Look, Keith-

Kevin

It's Kevin.

Dr. House

I'm surprised I was that close. You're a comedian, right? You should give it up. On a good day, five people read your website. You put all that effort in and what do you get? Nothing. You seem somewhat intelligent based on the fact that you got access to the coma ward. You could probably-

Kevin

Are you serious?!? I spend-

Dr. House

Stop it.

Kevin

I will not stop-

Dr. House

Does your eye always twitch like that when you get angry? Are your index fingers angled at the knuckle?

Dr. House gets up and approaches me and looks at my hands. He looks pensive.

Dr. House

Crap.

Kevin

What is it?

Dr. House

I don't know but you're about to pass out.

Dr. House grabs my arm and everything goes black. When I come to, I'm in a bed. It's my bed in my house. There is a video message on my phone. I hit play and Dr. House appears on the screen.

Dr. House

Sorry about that Keith but I didn't have time to keep playing games with you. Wilson was going on another date and I had to leave. You can write that I thought the movie sucked. The idea that helping others will make you a better person is a bunch of Hollywood hooey, contrarily evidenced by myself. Thanks for having me on your show. This phone will self-destruct in five seconds. I'm not kidding.

I throw the phone away from me. It hits the ground and tumbles.

Dr. House

Kidding again. You should use that in one of your skits. That is if you don't quit comedy like you should.

The message ended. I go to my computer and fire up the web cam.

Kevin

I liked the movie Role Models. I thought it was consistently funny and Paul Rudd was hilarious as always. I'd like to acknowledge (but not thank) Dr. House for being my guest. I hope he also returned my car and not just my unconscious body. See you next time on Going To The Movies when my guest will be Jack Donaghy of 30 Rock. That should be fun.