Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Tor Baby Countdown: 62 Days

Wow. We are two good size months away from Billie Mae joining us in this world. We are also headed towards 61 more days of fake names. But those who do read will be able to make a more educated guess as to the real name via process of elimination. That's incentive to read!

We have a few children's books now populating the nursery. I'd like to focus on one in particular. It is called "Why I Love My Daddy."

Since I will be playing the role of "Daddy," I found it bothersome that such a book would exist. I'd like my daughter to formulate her own opinion of why she loves her daddy and not be spoon-fed a bunch of unfounded reasons. Also, we didn't get a "Why I Love My Mommy" book which does exist as I made sure before I started complaining.


Here are the reasons my daughter, Burbank, will love me:

"He is big and strong" - That's Strike 1 right there. I am not big and strong. I am tall and lanky and it's only a matter of time before my daughter has bigger legs and wrists than me. I'm guessing by the time she's 8. Earlier depending on how good the Happy Meal toys are.

"He is clever" - I have my moments.

"He keeps me safe and cosy" - First off, it's cozy. Was that British? Secondly, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll be quick with a blanket but safety will be determined after a few nights in that crib I put together. Fingers crossed.

"He plays with me" - Maybe.

"He carries me" - I'm starting to feel the pressure. Am I supposed to do and be all of these things? I'll carry her for a little while but, like Jesus, I will have to put her down and let her make her own footprints. And sand castles. And choices when faced with a jellyfish and a finger in poke mode.

"He is handsome" - Weird. I want to be flattered by this but it's weird. Besides, I prefer it if my daughter would call me "hot." Much better.

"He is funny" - Nailed it.

"He fixes things" - Strike 2. I don't fix anything. Is this in anticipation of the crib we spoke about earlier? It might hold. Seriously, I have a specialist fix everything. My car. My hot water heater. And I'll probably send my baby out to get fixed too. Wait that came out wrong.

"He has the best ideas" - I don't. I have terrible ideas. That's why I'm not successful as a comedian. Strike 3.

This book is filled with lies. Every page is patronizing and will ultimately lead to me resenting my daughter.

Well, that's all of our time today. Tune in tomorrow when I will angrily rant about why a cat would need a hat. Preview: It doesn't. Hats only lead to mischief.

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