Tor Baby Countdown: 69 Days

I won't giggle about the number of days if you won't. Deal?

We had a doctor's appointment today. My lack of employment (or dream chasing as I like to call it) has allowed me to accompany my wife to the doctor each time and be along for the process. Today was a nice change of pace. For the first time, I showered before the appointment. So I hope the doctor was able to overlook my Ghostbusters t-shirt and look to my hygiene as my readiness for fatherhood.

A baby doctor is important but apparently not too important. I read this article about emergency home births. It is a step-by-step list of instructions for a mother to give birth by herself. It does start off with calling 911 and calling a neighbor but it has steps for what to do until they get there. This includes dealing with an umbilical cord wrapped around your baby's neck. Yeah, I know.

I've seen a lot of photos and videos of women after they have given birth. (That came out weird.) They look like they have just single-handedly stormed Normandy while also pooping their pants. How can they possibly handle the intricacies of getting a baby to breath via umbilical cord unwrapping or nasal passage clearance? They went through hell. One of the steps is to "try to get your baby to nurse.?!?!" Where is 911? Why does this woman have so much time? Is she bored? Why aren't these steps:

• A C-section is easy to do. We've all watched Sesame Street so we are familiar with the alphabet. Be thankful it's not an R-section with bikini season around the corner. First, get your most sterile scalpel...
• A baby's neck can never be too strong too soon. Exercise bands around the baby's head can be a good little workout for your newest love. Make sure the resistance is low, though. The head is pretty malleable.
• It's never too early to start calling preschools. Have a glass of water ready. You don't want to sound frazzled when you talk to admissions.
• You know that tree stump you have lying around? Time to start whittling that into a bassinet. The baby can't sleep on your belly forever. It's been minutes already.

Do they make laptop sleeves that protect against placenta juice because I'm sure no one remembered to print out these instructions beforehand? If not, dibs on the patent. (But I'll bring in some other people for testing. Big ew on that one.)

I don't want to meet the woman who can do this but if I did, I would want to fist pound her hand because I'm sure she would crush mine in a common handshake. The world isn't ready for Mamazons. Just in case, I'm going to be by my wife's side no matter what because I don't want to find out if she's capable of this. I'm emasculated enough as it is in life.