Tor Baby Countdown: 28 Days

We have just completed our 36th week of pregnancy. I don't know about my wife but these 36 weeks have been a breeze on my end. I bet baby rearing will be the same. Well it's Tuesday and that means "New Fruit Day." Baby Center told us today that our daughter is the size of a crenshaw melon. Little know fact - The crenshaw melon is named after 2-time Masters winner and Hall of Fame golfer, Ben Crenshaw.* Oh if only our daughter will play the gentleman's game as well as he.

Also the shape of baby's head upon world entry.

I'm still amazed by the fact that we are having a baby. I don't scream "father material." I think you can count on one hand the number of people who, upon meeting me, leave thinking, "That guy can impregnate someone." I just don't put off a fertile vibe. I get it. I'm goofy. Also, previous to now, I've never made somebody pregnant. Thus surprise at my current situation is a fair conclusion.

Don't do a search for "fertile vibe."

Making a baby girl has to be in my Top 2382 Things that I've Accomplished list. It's right above accomplishing at least 2383 things so that I can have such a list. I don't know what kind of father I will be. Good would be a welcome assessment when all is said and done. I am 4 weeks away from beginning the process of parenting and I can't wait. Though I will for the baby's medical well-being. See? I'm a good dad already!

Awww, you shouldn't have, unborn daughter.

* Not true.

Tor Baby Countdown: 62 Days

Wow. We are two good size months away from Billie Mae joining us in this world. We are also headed towards 61 more days of fake names. But those who do read will be able to make a more educated guess as to the real name via process of elimination. That's incentive to read!

We have a few children's books now populating the nursery. I'd like to focus on one in particular. It is called "Why I Love My Daddy."

Since I will be playing the role of "Daddy," I found it bothersome that such a book would exist. I'd like my daughter to formulate her own opinion of why she loves her daddy and not be spoon-fed a bunch of unfounded reasons. Also, we didn't get a "Why I Love My Mommy" book which does exist as I made sure before I started complaining.

See?

Here are the reasons my daughter, Burbank, will love me:

"He is big and strong" - That's Strike 1 right there. I am not big and strong. I am tall and lanky and it's only a matter of time before my daughter has bigger legs and wrists than me. I'm guessing by the time she's 8. Earlier depending on how good the Happy Meal toys are.

"He is clever" - I have my moments.

"He keeps me safe and cosy" - First off, it's cozy. Was that British? Secondly, let's not get ahead of ourselves. I'll be quick with a blanket but safety will be determined after a few nights in that crib I put together. Fingers crossed.

"He plays with me" - Maybe.

"He carries me" - I'm starting to feel the pressure. Am I supposed to do and be all of these things? I'll carry her for a little while but, like Jesus, I will have to put her down and let her make her own footprints. And sand castles. And choices when faced with a jellyfish and a finger in poke mode.

"He is handsome" - Weird. I want to be flattered by this but it's weird. Besides, I prefer it if my daughter would call me "hot." Much better.

"He is funny" - Nailed it.

"He fixes things" - Strike 2. I don't fix anything. Is this in anticipation of the crib we spoke about earlier? It might hold. Seriously, I have a specialist fix everything. My car. My hot water heater. And I'll probably send my baby out to get fixed too. Wait that came out wrong.

"He has the best ideas" - I don't. I have terrible ideas. That's why I'm not successful as a comedian. Strike 3.

This book is filled with lies. Every page is patronizing and will ultimately lead to me resenting my daughter.

Well, that's all of our time today. Tune in tomorrow when I will angrily rant about why a cat would need a hat. Preview: It doesn't. Hats only lead to mischief.

Tor Baby Countdown: 63 Days

It's Tuesday and you know what that means, loyal readers? (crickets) That's right! It's new fruit or vegetable day! Baby Center has informed us on this wretchedly awful, rainy morning that our baby is now the size of four navel oranges. The website went on to assure us that our baby is one piece. Is there not a single fruit or vegetable that is this size?

Naming a baby is not easy. You are forced to anticipate ways it can be made fun of. If she is smart, you have to stay away from Gertie ("Nerdy Gertie"). If she is ugly, you have to stay away from Vicky ("Icky Vicky"). And God forbid she is chubby, you have to stay away from Patty ("Fatty Patty"), Kate ("Overweight Kate"), or Brooke ("Look How Much Food She Took Brooke") among others.

My wife and I have chosen our daughter's name but we've decided not to tell anyone. I find it's easier to like a name once there is a face associated with it. "Here, meet Mervina, isn't she precious?" goes a lot better when you are holding a cute little baby.

My improv friends call her Linda or Peyton. My best friend calls her Tori (Tori Tor seems like a winner). The guessing is fun. Nobody has guessed it yet but that doesn't mean I would tell them if they did. I'm a good liar.

The problem is that people don't like to not know and it is hard to keep the secret, especially with my wife and I singing songs and talking to the belly using her name all the time. It's only a matter of time before "Grizelda would not stop kicking last night" slips out of one of our mouths.

We get asked whether we have a name often and my wife has taken to saying no to avoid the long "We have. We're just not telling people. Especially you." response. Sometimes the people get offended and have a look that says "Not even me?" Well, I'm sorry. You aren't high enough on our privacy-sharing list, Cashier at Home Goods. Of course I want to yell "BIMLEE" at the top of my lungs but it's not happening. Just scan my spatula and take my card so we can get out of here!

We are 63 days away (my baby will be punctual) from unveiling the name and people are going to like it because they like us and like our baby. I will leave you with a few hints:

• We have not found this name on a personalized key chain or mug yet
• It is not Spanish like my wife
• It is not one of the names in this blog though the first hint should have helped that (so many Bimlee mugs)
• It is not my name with an 'a' at the end
• It is not monosyllabic
• The middle name is pretty

Tor Baby Countdown: 65 Days

From what I'm told, when this baby is born, I will look into her eyes and a transformation will happen. From what I'm told, I will fall in love instantly and not be able to resist any request she ever makes. I'm tired of being told what will happen. People who are parents either newly or oldly tend to dispense not only advice but predictions.

"She's going to be Daddy's little girl" - First off, my daughter is not property. I don't own her. I guide her. Shall we high-five now or later, Spirit of Elizabeth Cady Stanton? Secondly, I plan on sharing her with my wife. It's only fair after all the work she put in. Also, Little Lady Tor might be huge. What if she comes out taller than me?

"She's going to have a tough time in your house with all the sharp corners and stuff near the ground" - I think the only way to babyproof a house is to modify the house as the baby grows. My wife has outlet covers on the bathroom wall 4 feet off the ground. While I'm excited about potentially having a baby with that kind of vertical leap (Hello Geno Auriemma!), I'll wait and see. What if we have a baby that breathes fire? Our whole wooden coffee table is a problem and not just the sharp corners.

"Before you know it, she'll be dating" - Maybe she won't ever date. Maybe she'll be homely and not be able to find another. Maybe she'll be so interested in her career that she won't have time for such things. Maybe she'll be asexual like a hammerhead shark. We can call her Hammy.

"You wouldn't let her go to Seton Hall, would you?" - This one's easy. The answer is no. Not just because there are better schools but mostly because I don't want members of the basketball team to take her meal points at gunpoint.

"She is going to have a fantastic 50th wedding anniversary!" - Alright, nobody has said this. Yet. But if they did, it's the one I would agree with. Even I know this one's true.

Look, I don't know what's going to happen with her and that's what's so exciting about it. All I do know is that I'm not rushing to find out.