Tor Baby Countdown: 70 Days

Every Tuesday, my wife and I log on to Baby Center to find out what size our daughter is in relation to a fruit or vegetable (except for that weird jumbo shrimp week). It is a very exciting time. This week's vegetable is a "good-size" cabbage. We are at the point where my wife winces at the reveal. She doesn't want a "good-size" anything.

Here's the thing - there's not enough room in a human woman to put a baby. Sure a woman can gain a whole bunch of weight but she can't gain a new spot on her body. It's not like putting an addition on a home. So the organs have to go somewhere. The stomach goes at the base of the throat. The liver goes behind the lung. And the gall bladder goes to Florida because it's been cold and rainy.

The baby keeps growing through all of this internal reorganization so those organs never get to really settle. On top of that, the baby is a huge jerk and punches and kicks for room like an unreasonable bedmate. My wife is walking around while the baby punches her in the heart as it screams "THIS IS WHERE THE LOVE COMES FROM!" in soundless baby mouth movements. There is no gratitude. "Just keep sending stuff through that cord if you know what's good for you, lady." And my wife does know what's good for her.

Women have been having babies for tens of years based on statistics generated from observing the people I frequent life with. You would think women would have adapted by now. (Yes, I'm still watching Life.) Now I'm just spitballing here but what about a more skeletal womb, something made of a strong metal? It would basically be a steel hamster ball. The baby's hands can't handle punching that for very long. After the first few babies come out with deformed hand nubs, the word would get around to the other steel wombs. Problem solved.*

Alternative Approach: We have a friend who is also pregnant and a couple of weeks ahead of us. She has gained about 1/4 of the weight my wife has. I have not seen her but the baby must look like it's vacuum-sealed into her belly. This is another great way to limit the baby's movements and to also save you money on those expensive 3-D ultrasounds. Something to think about.

Picture him much younger and with less clothes. Also, yeah, people do this.

*Getting the steel hamster ball out would require a C-Section but they were probably going to do that anyway. C-Sections are the new bloodletting.