Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Tor's March Madness Bracket Tips: 2010 Edition

Every year around this time, people come up to me and ask me about my bracket picks. I say, "Hold on, I'm not done with them yet. How much is it again to enter this year? What are we doing for lunch?" It's like clockwork. This year I thought I'd help those out there who have lost their NC-Double-Way with my Tor Tips. Here are the things I look at when I make my picks.

Seeding - If you have one of the brackets that puts numbers next to the team name, use them. It correlates to the number of fingers a player on that team will hold up when the camera is on them after a big win. Teams with seeds over 10 are littered with genetic freaks and freakiness, while great in the bedroom according to rap stars, has no business on the basketball court. Go with the lower, more socially-acceptable fingered teams.

Mascot - A lot of people pick based on which team's mascot would win in a fight. I like to go by which team's mascot tastes better. For example, Syracuse vs. Vermont. An orange probably tastes much better than a catamount (wild cat). It's also easier to eat and you can find it at your local grocery store without putting in a special order.

Mathematics Rankings - Basketball is a game of geometry. Defensive positioning. Shot trajectory. The shape of the ball. It's all about that subsection of mathematics. Therefore, it makes sense that schools that rank high in mathematics would be good at basketball. Think back to high school. Didn't your varsity basketball captain get an 800 on their SAT math section? I thought so. Therefore, Ohio State (ranked 33rd in college mathematics) should easily beat UCSB (ranked 48th).

Nobel Laureates - This is a new category added this year. After Barack Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize, I got to thinking - "He plays a lot of basketball. There must be some significance to that." Can you really go by which school has graduated more Nobel laureates? Example - Cal vs. Louisville. Cal has graduated 26 Nobel laureates to Louisville's 0. Is there any doubt as to why Cal is an 8 seed and Louisville a 9?

Campus Tree Population Density - The more trees per square foot your school has, the purer the air your basketball players are breathing. Also, since trees are so tall, being around them prepares your players for the bigger players they might encounter in the tournament. With that knowledge, one might pick Siena's wonderful Upstate New York campus to upset Purdue and its factory-like, environment-hating configuration. And one should.

Proximity to a Wegman's - Everybody knows that Wegman's is the greatest supermarket in the universe so it is important that the fans, players, and coaches can get their groceries from there. What goes into a person's body is very important and Wegman's provides the best. That's why Villanova (2.9 miles from a Wegman's) will be heavily favored over Robert Morris (82.3 miles from a Wegman's).

Coach's Enjoyment of "Two and Half Men" - Scientists have shown that a human's ability to recognize good comedy is in direct proportion to their ability to coach a college basketball team. Johnny Jones, coach of North Texas, is a big fan of the Charlie Sheen vehicle. I think the committee saw this and punished him with a 15 seed. Also, to add insult to injury, they put him up against Kansas State in the first round. KSU's coach, Frank Martin, set up his V-chip to block CBS and smashed his DVDs of "Men at Work" and "Pretty in Pink." KSU will crush them.

I hope that helps. I will finish with my picks for the Final Four and the NCAA Champion.

Final Four - Kansas, Kentucky, Syracuse, and Baylor

NCAA Champion - Kansas


jim said...

Love the tips !
My picks final four: Kansas, Kansas St.,Kentucky, Villanova

Kevin Tor said...

Jim, did you cheat off Barack Obama?