First Draft Movie Lines

This Twitter trend was probably one of my favorites. You take a famous movie line and you write what it might have been originally. Simple? Sure. Hilarious? I hope so.

• "I am serious and my name is not the homophone of the first word in your incredulous question."
• "Do you like apples? Oh, you don't. Do you think you could pretend to for the purposes of my burn? You can't? Alright. Thanks, anyway."
• "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a hoot which would lead you to believe I would pollute which I can assure you is the furthest thing from the truth."
• "Khaaaaan! Are you there, Khan? I just went through a tunnel and...damn it!"
• "I'm going to get you, my pretty, or I'm going to get your little dog. Or....both! Yeah, both!"
• "Are you a good witch or a bad witch? Those are your only two options. I'm going to need an answer. I got places to be."
• "Mama always said these sayings to me that were real simple life similes because I'm too retarded for real talk."
• "Houston, the shuttle's broken! This cannot be presented as an understatement!"
• "I'm at such an advanced age that I really would rather not encounter shit."
• "May this mystical Jedi power remain with you on your travels."
• "This. Is. Sparta! I'm surprised you didn't know that. There was a sign about 100 yards back."
• "I see dead people. (Winks and points at Bruce Willis) Did you get that? I. See. (Points again) Dead people."
• "We're going jogging naked so our less than attractive physiques can be made a spectacle of!"
• "I feel like royalty with my arms stretched out like this on the front of this supposedly secure ocean liner!"
• "You call that a knife? I guess it is but, in Australia, we have a different set of standards for our cutlery."
• "Is my wife's head in that box?"
• "Sometimes floating plastic bags make me cry."
• "I feel the need. The need to fly this airplane really really fast."
• "I'm not even supposed to have a shift at this Quick Stop convenience store today."
• "I'm going to make him an offer and then I'm going to put on my angry face. There's no way he'll say no."
• "Get your stinking paws off me, you damned dirty ape! It tickles! (Giggling Heston)"
• "This terminator will return...right after these messages."
• "I'll have the same meal that gave that woman an orgasm."
• "Carpe Diem. That means 'Seize the Day' in Orkan, boys."
• "You're my agent. Get the money and put it where I can see it!"
• "I don't think you would like the truth if I gave it to you."
• "Hey, my reflection, did you just say something to me?"
• "Every time you hear a bell ring, it means it's noon in heaven."
• "We all get freaky deaky and dress up like our moms sometimes."
• "I wish I could tell you that Andy fought the good fight, and the Sisters let him be. But they raped him. A lot."
• "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gangster. Or a hot dog vendor. Ooo, or a dental technician."
• "Are you not entertained?!? Because I could kill opponents in this arena all day!"