Tor's News Nuggets: 7/17/09

Alabama Senator Sessions, at the Sotomayor hearings, misspoke and said that he and Patrick Leahy of Vermont were "going to do that crack cocaine thing." The senator meant that they needed to schedule a hearing to discuss sentencing in crack cocaine cases. Afterwards, Sessions said, "What makes it worse is that it was televised so everyone saw my huge boner."

A U.S. man, who was the first double-hand transplant patient, is still unable to feel. "I don't think he'll be able to play piano, either," said his unloved wife of 20 years.

A study shows that a single spelling mistake on a job application can ruin your chances of getting a job. The most common spelling mistake is "Dear Sir or Madman." Greg Bishop, a boss at Metlar's Savings and Loan, said "It shows a lack of caring. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to blow up the moon!"

A Wyoming man, who was camping with his family, fought off an attacking mountain lion with a chainsaw. The man was very nervous but just really glad he sprung for the most extensive Swiss Army Knife ever made.

A Missouri truck dealership is offering a free AK-47 with any truck purchase. I would hold out until they offer a jug of moonshine with four x's on it, a spittoon, and some other person-from-the-heartland stereotype. Might I suggest a farm animal to have sex with?

The Treasury Department canceled plans to hire a cartoonist to boost morale. Instead, they hired someone to teach them what "boost" means.