Dah-Dum Dah-Dum Goblin Shark

What if you were a shark that was really really lazy? Let's say a fish was in front of you. Your frightening jaws are open but the fish just won't swim into them. You have to swim five or six more inches now just to get that fish. Sucks to be a shark, right? Wrong! If you were a goblin shark, you would simply unleash your jaws like you fired them from a cannon. Then reel that fish back in and swallow. Simple. Why are you still reading? Check out the closest thing to the creature in the movie Alien you will hopefully ever see.

NoBuddies - Actor Whisperer Part 1 (Episode 11)

Have you ever wanted to be so good at something that you put in all the work to make sure you are the best? Me, neither. But Girl does in this first episode of a two-parter that will have you asking, "How are there 11 episodes already? I've barely watched two. So the next one makes 12?" Yes it does, loyal viewer. Yes it does. Watch!



Girl gets a sweet role in a kids' movie. Training goes a little too well.

Bill - William Franke
Gray - Sean McCormack
Cal - Kevin Tor
Girl - Sue White
Alexis - Catherine Nicora

Directed by William Franke
Written by William Franke, Sean McCormack, & Kevin Tor

Music - "Flow is Special" by rokamic (ccMixter)

"Montage" by Kevin MacLeod

Unnecessary Prequels

Like yesterday's Unnecessary Sequels, today we will do Unnecessary Prequels. Ah, Twitter trends.

1. Not Taken Yet
2. I Think This Guy's Into Me
3. Tyler Perry's I Hope This Madea Thing Works
4. I Will Never Want To Forget Sarah Marshall
5. Tropic Lightning
6. Schindler's Fridge Is Stocked
7. The Cuckoo's Nest Is Reporting No Air Traffic
8. It's A Taken For Granted Life
9. Apocalypse Any Minute
10. Russian Scientist (Taxi Driver)
11. That Mockingbird's Pretty Frickin' Annoying
12. 2000: Let's Go To Space Next Year
13. Scarless Face
14. The Princess Fiance
15. Lock, Stock, and Two Barrels Ready To Fire
16. Sweeney Todd: The Happy Barber School Years
17. Nowhere Near Famous
18. Let's Paint This Mile Green
19. American History Little
20. Boogie Days
21. Entering Las Vegas
22. Three Weddings And A Wake
23. The About-To-Be-Framed Surgeon
24. The Devil Orders Prada Online With Express Shipping
25. February 1st

Unnecessary Sequels

I love me some Twitter Trends. This is one from yesterday. You take a movie and come up with a sequel that shouldn't be made. I'm not talking like "Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull." We want movies that don't exist, not movies we wish didn't exist. So here's my list:

1. Punch Drunk Relationship Counseling
2. To Kill A Mockingbird And Maybe Check For A Pulse This Time, Richard
3. Stop! Or My Mom Will Reload
4. Don't Tell Mom That We Have A Pile of Babysitters In The Basement
5. Definitely Deeper Than Last Time Impact
6. Fight Varsity Team
7. Seriously This Time, Apocalypse...Now! No, Now!
8. Ei8ht: You Forgot Malvy
9. Some Also Like It Cold
10. Who's Sarah Marshall?
11. Lebowski Really Let Himself Go
12. Slumdog Poor Investor
13. Breakin' 3: Cellular Crumparee
14. Casablanca 2: Let's Have Paris Again
15. It Happened Again On A Different Night
16. Took A Moment To Calm Himself Down Bull
17. Singin' With Pneumonia
18. It's Still A Pretty Good Life
19. Did The Right Thing
20. Chief of Medicine Strangelove
21. High One P.M.
22. Bride Reconstructions
23. Back The Baby's Back
24. Superbad 2: McLovin's Lament
25. The Life Of Bees That Everyone Knows
26. Snakes With Parachutes
27. You, Robot, Too
28. The Hotter Girl Next To The Girl Next Door
29. School Of Roll
30. Grounding Nemo

Butterface Machinima

This is pretty awesome! A new Twitter friend, JellyBean Madison (real name?), created a machinima version of my Butterface parody using Second Life. I'm honored that this was worth putting the time in to do. This is really cool. You can find more of JellyBean Madison's videos at the link below.

Lady Gag - Butterface from JellyBean Madison on Vimeo.

Current Music Thoughts - Summer 2009

Imagine for a moment that you are an angel. You are sent down to Earth to watch over people and guide them out of harm’s way. Now, you are assigned to a person and when you get down to Earth, the person spots you and starts screaming, “I CAN SEE YOUR HALO! HALO! HALO! HALO! HALO!” Wouldn’t you ask to be assigned to someone else? Someone less defective. C'mon Beyonce, your song's got you looking so crazy right now.

Sometimes people come up to me and say, "you should do the Helen Keller." And I say, "What? Be an inspiration for all and have the girl from Little House on the Prairie play me in a movie?" And they say, "No, silly. Shake your hips." And then I punch that person in the face out of respect to everyone who's ever met Helen Keller or seen the movie.

A lot of people don't know this but Andy Gibb was the first person to coin the phrase, "Disco Stick." He was known to precede it with "Suck my" when his brothers would flaunt their much greater success at family reunions.

The Ting Tings song, "That's Not My Name," has such a fantastic beat that I wish they would make a fifth Bring It On movie ASAP. That or take it off the radio.

I know you want me. You know I want cha. Trust me, repeating this 400 times with a Spanish accent doesn't get you a lady. It gets you a headache.

Funny Stuff That Ain't Mine: Tiddy Bear

Special thanks to Sue Funke for this one.

I didn't know this was a problem but I totally see it now. And I don't want you to think I have stock in the company but I think this can go beyond seat belts. What about straps on mental patients? Maybe they wouldn't be so resistant to being tied up if they had a Tiddy Bear on the 3-4 straps that secure them to the gurney. Ooo, or death row cons about to get in the electric chair? I'm sure they would enjoy the trip to hell a little better with some Tiddy Bears on their wrists. Just make sure you soak them in water first.

And remember, that's T-I-D-D-Y Bear. Don't go expecting huge knockers on a stuffed bear. Though that probably exists too.

Armageddon And Zombies

I'm currently reading "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" which is a genius book and one of those ideas I wish I had come up with. So I thought I would see what one of my favorite movies would be like with zombies. I present to you...

Armageddon and Zombies

Out in space, an astronaut is performing repairs on a satellite. In the middle of repairs, the astronaut is hit by a foreign object causing mission control to lose contact with the repair team. A short time after that, in New York City, a body falls from the sky landing on a cab. The cab driver gets out and looks up. More bodies are falling like rain bouncing off buildings and driving through the pavement. As the cab driver stares up, the body which went through his hood begins moving. It gets up and bites his arm. It's raining zombies.

NASA discovers the cause of this undead precipitation. An asteroid made out of zombies is hurtling through space (which works because zombies don't need to breathe) on a collision course with Earth. The zombies are holding onto each other with as tight a grip as their undead hands will allow. The zombies that have already arrived were ones that fell off the asteroid. NASA comes up with a solution: They break the zombie asteroid apart.

NASA Leader

We've been asking around and every time this man's name has come up. If there were two guys that no one thought could be pulled apart, this guy pulled them apart.

Harry MacStamper, the head of security at Ibrox Stadium, brings his crew to NASA to be trained for space travel. They go through zero-gravity drills, all kinds of flying maneuvers, and body physicals. After they are cleared for space travel (barely, ha ha), they are put through field tests to simulate what they will encounter. Some of the zombies that remained intact from the New York City landing were flown in and tethered together.

NASA Training Instructor

Ok, these zombies intend to grab you, scratch you, bite you til you bleed out. Now, get in there and start separating.

Once they are ready, they make a list of demands. Their list includes never having to pay taxes again, brand new cars, but mostly, they unanimously request that all non-Scottish Premiere League teams are destroyed. NASA agrees to most of it.

The two shuttles take off and dock at a Russian refueling station. The cosmonaut aboard the space station casually mentions a recent match between Russia and Scotland. The resulting skirmish ended up creating a gas leak when the cosmonaut was hurled into a series of pipes. The leak eventually destroys the Russian space station. The cosmonaut did not suffer in the explosion as he was already dead.

Resuming the mission, the shuttles slingshot out of lunar orbit and end up behind the zombie asteroid. Other zombies float alone behind it. The shuttles employ evasive tactics but Shuttle Independence takes a zombie to the wing losing maneuverability just enough to collide with more. Zombies pound on the windshields until they crack. The passengers on board move to a secure subsection of the shuttle as the zombies breach the cockpit. The Independence spins out of control off the radar.

Freedom Pilot

Houston, Independence is an undead stick. I repeat, Independence is an undead stick.

The Freedom manages to evade most of the zombie stragglers but misses the landing spot by 26 miles. The crew begins checking the ship for damages. The smartest security guy starts complaining about the landing spot and argues with the pilot.

Genius Security Guy

The reason we were shooting for Grid 8 was because it consisted of mostly one-armed zombies but Grid 9, according to Computed Tomography is a throng of steroid-laden, former bodybuilders...which means you landed us on a pile of undead Mr. Universes.

The mission continues and the security guys struggle to pull the stronger zombies off the ball. They take a break to drink some Gatorade and get in an argument with the pilot. The pilot informs them that they should have removed 400 zombies. When Harry tells him that they have only removed 52, Plan B goes into motion...a nuclear bomb.

Harry MacStamper

You could just blow them up? You brought us up here to do it the hard way?

Freedom Pilot

We didn't want to use one of our nukes.

Harry MacStamper

This is unbelievable. I lost men! Let's get out of here!

The Freedom takes off to return to Earth. The nuke is detonated, the zombie asteroid destroyed, and the Earth is saved. Fade out.

Postscript:

We fade back in on the visitor's locker room at Ibrox Stadium. The Russian Soccer Team has just finished the match with Scotland. Some of the team is dressed and some are getting out of the shower. The door opens and a large figure wearing a hood and dressed like a Scotland fan stumbles in as if pushed. Harry peaks his head in.

Harry MacStamper

Good game, guys. I have a friend here who'd like to pick your brains.

Harry pulls off the hood and closes the door quickly. The figure is revealed as one of the super strong zombies. From behind the closed door all that can be heard are the screams of the Russian team. Harry smiles and walks off.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/15/09

A 14-year-old boy in Germany was struck in the hand by a pea-sized meteorite. Michael Bay has already purchased the rights to the story and is expected to begin shooting in November on "Handageddon."

An umpire in Iowa ejected the entire crowd at a high school baseball game. Then, with the guarantee of no one watching, he proceeded to get down on his knees and blow the game.

The Los Angeles Lakers won their 15th title last night on the shoulders of Kobe Bryant. It's a good thing they relied on his shoulders because other parts of him were probably too busy raping.

A student in upstate New York was charged with unauthorized use of a computer when he created a software program that stopped teachers from being allowed to input grades. I don't have a joke. That's just awesome.

Alright, I have a joke:

A student in upstate New York was charged with unauthorized use of a computer when he created a software program that stopped teachers from being allowed to input grades. The computer program was:

• 10 PRINT "SUCK IT, TEACHERS!!!"
• 20 GOTO 10
• 30 RUN

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/11/09

A new element will be added to the Periodic Table making me glad I got out of high school when I did. Good luck memorizing 112 elements, suckers. The new element's name is Ununbium. I would have gone with just Bium but you know scientists. Those nerds like their element names like the tongue on the hot alien girl from "Species."

Real Madrid has spent 131 million dollars to acquire Ronaldo from Manchester United. To put that into terms you can understand, that's almost 50 cents per US citizen that could care less about this story.

Venezuela has banned Coca Cola products from being allowed in the country citing health concerns. This does nothing to change my belief that Venezuelans are made out of Pop Rocks.

Scientists have found that going to work sick does more harm than good. The research for the project was funded by every employee in the world.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/10/09

Scientists believe that Earth and Venus may smash into each other in 3.5 billion years. Don't worry, the chances of it happening are 1-in-2500 so no need to panic. If it does happen, I bet it's Venus' fault. If women can't drive cars, how can they possibly drive a planet?

Carrie Prejean was fired from her post as Miss California. Times have really changed. Used to be that being beautiful, shallow, and ignorant could get you everything you wanted in California. I'm just sorry Elizabeth Cady Stanton couldn't be here to tweet about this.

The Steelers got their new Super Bowl Championship rings and they weigh in at just under a quarter of a pound with 63 diamonds. That's one diamond for each person in Pittsburgh that still has a job. Just the Steelers' little way of raising awareness in these tough economic times.

An Israeli woman threw out a mattress containing 1 million dollars. I don't blame her. Have you ever slept on a mattress filled with a million dollars? Let's just say you don't wake up in the morning feeling like the contents of your bed.

Russian authorities are going to use Brad Pitt to combat speeding on the country's highways. Cardboard cutouts of Mr. Pitt dressed as a traffic cop are being placed at the most dangerous intersections. Keeping with the theme, violators can face a maximum of Seven Years in Tibet.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/10/90

I accidentally typed "90" instead of "09" so let's go for it. Hop in your Miata and accompany me back to June 10, 1990.

Burger King begins using Newman's Own Salad Dressing with their salads. They will also be changing their slogan to "Have It Paul's Way."

Rap Group 2 Live Crew was arrested in Florida for obscenity when it was deemed the content of their album was so inappropriate that it was against the law. The group is expected to put in a plea of "Me so not guilty."

Bulgaria's former Communist Party won the country's first free elections in more than four decades. Some people question this voting choice but I think it's better than the second place finisher, "I just want the country to have a good time."

Tara Lipinsky turns 8. The little girl has Olympic Dreams stating that her goal is to win a gold medal and then disappear into obscurity shortly thereafter. 

My Butterface in Rolling Stone!!

This was pretty shocking. I'm having more success as a musician than a comedian. My Butterface parody is mentioned in this month's Rolling Stone. It has Lady Gaga on the cover. Doesn't she look...um...strategically bubbled?


The following is the article snippet where it mentions my parody. There is no mention of my name but the lyric quote distinguishes it from all the other Butterface parodies out there (that came after mine). I spoke to the columnist and he said that she really did find it funny. It's unfortunate that the article is about her being ugly sexy. I will say this one last time - I did not know she was thought of as a Butterface when I wrote it and did not intend to make the statement that she was. I didn't even know what she looked like when I came up with the idea. Regardless, she's not offended which means her obsessive fans' evil comments on YouTube can't hurt me anymore! (Or not as much as they did.)

I'm not one for pushing my stuff on people more than once but why not enjoy the Butterface parody one last time. I couldn't have done it without the great voice of Jen Kwok and the awesome mixing of Ash Louis. Thanks to Jason Verlaine, Paul Bauer, and Maryssa Smith for stopping by to dance. And thanks to Kambri Crews for lending us the filming locale.

Tor's News Nuggets: 6/3/09

Authorities ordered the removal of 18000 cases of Red Bull in Hong Kong after it was discovered that there were traces of cocaine in the cans. Drinkers reported that the beverage gave them wings and the wings flapped "like so much faster than usual." No word yet on what ingredient is causing the wing hallucinations.

A statue of Ronald Reagan was unveiled in the Capitol Rotunda in Washington, D.C. today. The statue is in honor of all the major contributions Reagan made to the American people and is also one last F You to Bonzo.

A Brooklyn man is going to be the first to get married in zero gravity when he and his fiance exchange vows at the Kennedy Space Center in Cape Canaveral, Fla. Once officially married, the groom will come crashing to the ground because you can't float with a ball and chain. Am I right? Am I?

The Obama family dog, Bo, was caught on film biting a reporter's microphone wire. Because of Bo's ingenious method of keeping the media from badgering the President, the dog will take over as White House Press Secretary.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. He will be remembered as the first person to put a shrimp on a barbie. 

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. That's Australian for old.

The oldest man in Australia died at the age of 110. The last two jokes will make him roll in his grave but in the opposite direction that he would roll if he were in the USA.

To The Rock That Broke My Windshield

Dear Rock,

What the hell? Could you not see where you were going? Do you have smaller versions of yourself in your head? Lower and to the right and we could have both been killed! My insurance is going to go up big! That stupid lizard with his Britishness will be so pissed at me. I hate you!

I don't hate you. It's misplaced anger. I'm the one who messed up. I'd like to apologize to you. I'm sorry I left the scene of the accident. After the hit, I panicked. You always hear on the news about hit and runs and you think to yourself, how can someone do that? Then you are in that situation and you see how. Survival instincts kick in. You feel like you have your whole life ahead of you and this could considerably shorten it so you run. You run and don't look back. 

I keep daydreaming about you bouncing down that highway. Cars and trucks passing by you. I snap out of it in a cold sweat. Based on trajectory and point of impact, you may have even hit another windshield. If so, I'm hoping that driver did the right thing and stopped. I'm hoping the world has at least one person out there that gives a crap. I'm hoping because it's all I have left to do.

Sometimes, I want to get back in the car and head that way to see that you're ok with my own eyes but I can't. I don't think I can drive right now. Part of it's the grief but mostly it's because of the GIANT CRACK TRAVELING IN MULTIPLE PATHS ACROSS MY FRICKIN' WINDSHIELD, YOU PIECE OF CRAP ROCK! Where did all of my sympathy go? It never really existed. You're a stupid rock and you ruined my day! Go to rock hell which I'm guessing is an eternity of being skipped across a pond with an instilled and heightened fear of drowning. If we ever meet again, you better take me out because I'm going to come at you with everything my car's got.

Waiting for the day,

Kevin