Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Armageddon And Zombies

I'm currently reading "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" which is a genius book and one of those ideas I wish I had come up with. So I thought I would see what one of my favorite movies would be like with zombies. I present to you...

Armageddon and Zombies

Out in space, an astronaut is performing repairs on a satellite. In the middle of repairs, the astronaut is hit by a foreign object causing mission control to lose contact with the repair team. A short time after that, in New York City, a body falls from the sky landing on a cab. The cab driver gets out and looks up. More bodies are falling like rain bouncing off buildings and driving through the pavement. As the cab driver stares up, the body which went through his hood begins moving. It gets up and bites his arm. It's raining zombies.

NASA discovers the cause of this undead precipitation. An asteroid made out of zombies is hurtling through space (which works because zombies don't need to breathe) on a collision course with Earth. The zombies are holding onto each other with as tight a grip as their undead hands will allow. The zombies that have already arrived were ones that fell off the asteroid. NASA comes up with a solution: They break the zombie asteroid apart.

NASA Leader
We've been asking around and every time this man's name has come up. If there were two guys that no one thought could be pulled apart, this guy pulled them apart.

Harry MacStamper, the head of security at Ibrox Stadium, brings his crew to NASA to be trained for space travel. They go through zero-gravity drills, all kinds of flying maneuvers, and body physicals. After they are cleared for space travel (barely, ha ha), they are put through field tests to simulate what they will encounter. Some of the zombies that remained intact from the New York City landing were flown in and tethered together.

NASA Training Instructor
Ok, these zombies intend to grab you, scratch you, bite you til you bleed out. Now, get in there and start separating.

Once they are ready, they make a list of demands. Their list includes never having to pay taxes again, brand new cars, but mostly, they unanimously request that all non-Scottish Premiere League teams are destroyed. NASA agrees to most of it.

The two shuttles take off and dock at a Russian refueling station. The cosmonaut aboard the space station casually mentions a recent match between Russia and Scotland. The resulting skirmish ended up creating a gas leak when the cosmonaut was hurled into a series of pipes. The leak eventually destroys the Russian space station. The cosmonaut did not suffer in the explosion as he was already dead.

Resuming the mission, the shuttles slingshot out of lunar orbit and end up behind the zombie asteroid. Other zombies float alone behind it. The shuttles employ evasive tactics but Shuttle Independence takes a zombie to the wing losing maneuverability just enough to collide with more. Zombies pound on the windshields until they crack. The passengers on board move to a secure subsection of the shuttle as the zombies breach the cockpit. The Independence spins out of control off the radar.

Freedom Pilot
Houston, Independence is an undead stick. I repeat, Independence is an undead stick.

The Freedom manages to evade most of the zombie stragglers but misses the landing spot by 26 miles. The crew begins checking the ship for damages. The smartest security guy starts complaining about the landing spot and argues with the pilot.

Genius Security Guy
The reason we were shooting for Grid 8 was because it consisted of mostly one-armed zombies but Grid 9, according to Computed Tomography is a throng of steroid-laden, former bodybuilders...which means you landed us on a pile of undead Mr. Universes.

The mission continues and the security guys struggle to pull the stronger zombies off the ball. They take a break to drink some Gatorade and get in an argument with the pilot. The pilot informs them that they should have removed 400 zombies. When Harry tells him that they have only removed 52, Plan B goes into motion...a nuclear bomb.

Harry MacStamper
You could just blow them up? You brought us up here to do it the hard way?

Freedom Pilot
We didn't want to use one of our nukes.

Harry MacStamper
This is unbelievable. I lost men! Let's get out of here!

The Freedom takes off to return to Earth. The nuke is detonated, the zombie asteroid destroyed, and the Earth is saved. Fade out.


We fade back in on the visitor's locker room at Ibrox Stadium. The Russian Soccer Team has just finished the match with Scotland. Some of the team is dressed and some are getting out of the shower. The door opens and a large figure wearing a hood and dressed like a Scotland fan stumbles in as if pushed. Harry peaks his head in.

Harry MacStamper
Good game, guys. I have a friend here who'd like to pick your brains.

Harry pulls off the hood and closes the door quickly. The figure is revealed as one of the super strong zombies. From behind the closed door all that can be heard are the screams of the Russian team. Harry smiles and walks off.

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