Rejected Palin Memoir Titles

It's been a while since there was a Twitter game that I've partaken in. The latest has you come up with other titles for the Sarah Palin memoir. Here is what I came up with:

1. A Pedigree of Dunces
2. Eats, Shoots, & Leaves Office
3. 100 Days of Ineptitude: Tracking the Race from VP Consideration to November 4th
4. I Support Abortion (Of Political Office Terms)
5. Running With Geezers
6. Gov in the Time of Obama
7. Brief Interviews With Hideous Me
8. Are You There Todd? It's Me, Maverick
9. The Lord of the Trig
10. Life of Lie

Tor's Onion Stories: September 29, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion. Unfortunately, The Onion does not accept submissions from people with last names consisting solely of 3 letters. Just my stupid luck. I'm paying the price for having an easy time filling out Scantrons in grammar school.

• Scientists Believe Homeless Man That Throws Own Feces Could Be Missing Link
• Fat Kid, Roger Dawkins, Does Not Like Cake
• "Cash For Myrrh" Not Nearly As Successful As Hoped
• Native American Destroys Old Camera Reclaiming Grandfather's Soul
• Boater Designs New Anchor Shaped Like Ex-Wife
• Sad Ant Strains To Lift Half Its Body Weight
• Soccer League Shut Down Due To Too Much Action
• Odd-Looking Proctologist Swears He's Not An Alien
• Cherry Bomb Prank Backfires And Improves School's Plumbing System
• Portugal To Bring Back Feudalism, Disappointment

How about these? Would you like to see these in print form? Write your congressman.

Alternate Titles For The Informant

I went to see "The Informant" yesterday. I enjoyed it and Matt Damon, acting at about 120% capacity, did a fantastic job. It's worth a watch, maybe not a theater watch, but definitely a DVD rental. Anyway, I've been playing around with some alternate titles for the movie and here is what I've come up with:

• Good Will Chunking
• Saving Private Giant
• All The Tasty Horses
• Rounder
• The Legend of Fatter Vance
• Pigma
• Stuck On Food
• The Bourne Up And Ate 'Em
• Ocean's Elevenses*

* Come on, "Lord of the Rings" fans!

Blogger's Note: Special consideration goes to Dirt in the Skirt, for the Twitter suggestion of "Fat Damon." Simple and perfect.

Terrible TV Show Ideas (Take 2)

I did this a few months back and I feel it's time to do it once more.

1. An uptight lawyer is intrigued by the crazy experiments of the research group he is sharing an apartment with. Coming soon: Dharma Initiative and Greg. "They HanSO crazy!"
2. Life is as hard as you make it and this U.S. Navy legal advisor makes it really hard. Coming soon: JAG-Off. "He's got all hands on deck and deck doesn't like it and needs to say something to a superior."
3. Dylan McDermott leads an acclaimed team as they adjust some of the most important spines in Boston. Coming soon: The ChiroPractice. "There's no case they can't crack."
4. Wanting to be more than one of Robin Hood's Merry Men, a man sets out to improve the aesthetics of all the unfortunate-looking maidens in England. Coming soon: Friar Nip/Tuck. "Shouldn't there be 2 d's in 'damsel?'"
5. A music-and-comedy duo keeps things light as they storm Normandy as the only members of Easy Company. Coming soon: Band of Smothers Brothers. "Mom may like one better but Germany hates them both."
6. A conniving high school student schemes his way through classes under the ignorant watch of a germaphobe. Coming soon: Saved By the Mandel. "Let's see what's in briefcase number FUN!"
7. A street-smart teenager gets in a fight and is sent to live with his distant Slavic relatives. Coming soon: Fresh Prince of Belgrade. "In West Philadelphia born and raised, Serbia is where he'll spend all of his days."
8. A delicious alternative to beer helps the less fortunate occupants of Ancient Greece. Coming soon: Zima: Warrior Princess. "She's going to give bad guys zomething to think about."
9. Superman keeps his identity hidden by posing as a fairly successful cartoonist during the day. Coming soon: Hi and Lois and Clark. "Sometimes it's nice to make someone smile without saving their life."
10. At night, delivery truck drivers get together to blow off steam with underground bare-knuckle boxing and one man is the best promotor in town. Coming soon: Don King of Queens. "There will be a fight for glory-a in Astoria!"

Blogger's Note: I started doing Ray Lewis Can't Lose about a football player who could get away with murder (figuratively) but that doesn't trump the fact that he got away with murder (literally).

Bing Boredom

They help with arthritis!

There are numbers you can call. :(

That farmer must wake up every day singing about his dog and hating every second of it.

Q: How they hanging? A: Tantrically.

Going To The Movies: Benjamin Linus

It took many weeks for Eloise Hawking to find me a flight that would get me to the Island. I don't know why Ben couldn't take a sub to meet me in New Jersey. I know Locke blew up their sub but they don't have a backup sub? They seem to have everything at their fingertips but a second sub? No, that's crazy. It's much easier for me to be in a FREAKIN' PLANE CRASH to get to Ben Linus.

I'm sorry. It was just a miserable experience. I woke up hanging from a tree, a stolen copy of "The Invention of Lying" dangling three branches over. I'll spare you the shimmying and the stretching but I got down with a minimal amount of head bumps. (My phrenologist is going to have a field day.)

Ben had set up the video monitors in The Pearl station to display the film together. Ben was dressed better than his picture. He greeted me warmly and apologized for the inconveniences I had in my travels. I punched him in the face. It made me feel better and he didn't retaliate. He merely said he got that a lot. We sat down and watched the movie, finishing off two bags of 30 year-old Dharma popcorn.

Kevin

So, Ben, let's get this over with so I can get back home. What did you think of the movie?

Ben Linus

I'm sorry, Kevin. You can't go home.

Kevin

Excuse me?

Ben Linus

The Island has been going through some depression and we were hoping you could cheer it up with your...comedy.

Kevin

You want me to tell jokes to a land mass?

Ben Linus

In a sense...yes.

Kevin

I'm going home. I'm going to build a raft and head on a bearing of 305 degrees. Bye, Ben.

Ben Linus

I can't let you do that.

Kevin stands up. Ben pulls out a gun and points it in Kevin's direction.

Ben Linus

Have a seat. I want to show you something.

Kevin sits down. Ben pulls out a video tape and puts it in to a VCR. Dr. Pierre Chang appears on the screen.

Dr. Chang

Hello and welcome to the Dharma Initiative. This is Station 5, The Pearl. I cannot express what an honor it is to have you, Mr. Carlin.

Kevin

Carlin?

Ben pauses the video.

Ben Linus

It was the 70s. We also have a tape for Richard Pryor but I figured George Carlin was closer to you.

Kevin

Because I'm white?

Ben Linus

No, because I think currently, you are just as funny as he is.

Kevin

But he's dead now.

Ben Linus

Exactly. Funny, right? You can use that in your act.

Kevin

That was disrespecful. Look, you can't be serious.

Ben Linus

Oh, I'm dead serious, Jack.

Kevin

You mean Kevin.

Ben Linus

Sorry, I'm so used to saying that to Jack. Shall we continue?

Ben hits "play" on the VCR.

Dr. Chang

Mr. Carlin, we have chosen you for your ability to observe and comment humorously on what you see. The Pearl Station is the perfect place to do that with cameras monitoring all points of the island. Just write down anything that strikes you in the notebooks provided and, at the end of the day, send them in the tubes where they will be transfered to the appropriate personal. Thank you again, Mr. Carlin, and welcome to the Dharma Initiative.

Kevin

I know where the tubes go. There's an open field where the notebooks are piled with no one reading them.

Ben Linus

Not true. The Island reads them.

(beat)

Well, if that's all, I'll let you get started.

Kevin

I'm not staying here!

Ben hits Kevin in the back of the head with the butt of the gun, knocking him unconscious.

And that's how I came to be on this island. I don't know how long it will be until I get to do another Going to the Movies. I don't know how long it will be until I see my wife again. Ben promised me I would only be here for six months but isn't that what he told Juliet, too? I want to thank Jacob for helping me get this blog out. As for The Invention of Lying, it was very funny and very original. I recommend seeing it. Maybe someone can take my wife to see it. I know she would like that. Until next time, whenever that is. I love you, honey.

Tor's Onion Stories: September 21, 2009

Here are 10 more stories that I would submit to The Onion if they wanted me to submit to them, which they don't.

• A New Breed Of Clumsy Eagles Not Helping America's Image
• Less Than Perfect Pushups Still Yield Good Results
• Real Life "Doogie Howser" Not As Much Fun
• 7-Year-Old Boy Saved From Drowning By Plastic Bag Over His Head
• Black Sets Record Straight: "Nothing Is The New Me"
• Performer Attendance Down 40 Percent At Broadway Shows
• Woman With Nine Children Turns Down Reality Series, Claims Did It For Love
• Oil Driller Misses The Attention He Got After "Armageddon" Came Out
• White Collar Comedy Not As Popular In The South
• Britney Spears' Singing Passes Yodeling And Loogie Hocking On "Annoying Mouth Noises" Chart

Would you read these?

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/16/09

A Florida woman is carrying around a cardboard cutout of her boyfriend who is serving in Iraq, taking pictures with the cutout wherever she goes to try to cheer him up. I think a better way to cheer him up would be to have the real boyfriend in front of a cardboard cutout of Iraq.

After hearing about the Kanye West-Taylor Swift incident, Barack Obama called Kanye a "jackass." He then followed Kanye West around ruining his golf outing with Bob Barker.

An elementary school boy found a rare pink grasshopper at a wildlife event he attended for fun with his great-grandfather. When asked to comment, the bully at the boy's school struggled to say, "Pink grasshopper...wildlife event for fun...too...much" and then exploded.

Snuggie presented new styles of their comfort loungewear at NY Fashion Week. New styles included leopard print, zebra print, and a wooden casket with sleeves for Tim Gunn.

Kate Gosselin changed her image by getting a new hairstyle which she debuted on "The View." Most people are disappointed. They hoped her new image would be something along the lines of "gone from our lives forever."

A 68-year-old man was honored at McDonald's for 50 years of service. The man said he's one summer away from saving up for that new Ford Fairlane. A coworker then responded, "Like the movie with Andrew Dice Clay?" before getting his award for 20 years of service.

Michael Moore says he may quit making documentaries. As a response, corruption tentatively rose.

Toroscopes

Hey! Miss Kevin here! I thought I would start your day off right with some Toroscopes. So sit back and see what the stars have in store for you today.

ARIES - The planets are aligned for you today, Sweet Aries. There's $4.35 lying on a subway seat in Midtown with your name on it. Don't let anyone get in your way. They mess with the Ram, they get the horns. If you do engage in fisticuffs, keep an eye out for someone in navy underwear with stripes. I'm seeing a romantic aura that could mean "The One." Still, it's about the money so beat "The One" enough to keep him incapacitated while you retrieve it. That's good Starbucks scratch!

TAURUS - Jupiter can be a real equus' patootie sometimes and today is one of those sometimes. Keep an eye out for trouble in the form of a homeless man on a zamboni. Which homeless man on a zamboni? Trust me, Fair Taurus, you'll know the one. Prepare yourself by keeping ketchup in your pocket. Make sure it's loose ketchup and not packets. You want to fling it directly into his eyes so it splatters. Also, it might be time to treat yourself to a new couch!

GEMINI - It's clear sailing for you, Gemini. Mercury went on a bender last night and isn't waking up for days. Today's the day you put your financial worries aside because you're going on a coast-to-coast gas station robbing spree! You know that virus in the coat closet that I made you steal four months ago from the lab? It's time to inject your favorite Aunt with it. Law enforcement is getting harder and harder to elude with today's technology. Having a beloved sick aunt is a great story to tell the jury, especially through real tears. Also, make sure you return those movies to Netflix!

CANCER - Why are you always so depressed, Cancer? Cheer up. Here are the winning numbers for tonight's Mega Millions: 2, 8, 22, 23, 40, MB 19. Does that get a wittle smile? Does it, Cancer? Who's a happy Cancer? Who's a happy Cancerrrr?

LEO - Do you like the world on the half shell because it is your oyster today, Sexy Leo. People in Africa may be suffering horrible atrocities at the hands of religious zealots but that's the furthest thing from your mind. It's time to splurge for that new car. You've wanted it for some time. Just because all the adorable sea turtles of the world are going to be extinct real soon doesn't mean you can't have a convertible. Let the sun shine on your face as you ride up the coast but do it soon because that coast is going to be under water once global warming gets done with this place. Keep smiling, Lucky Leo!

VIRGO - Stop being a freakin' prude, Virgo! You need to open yourself up physically to someone and stop teasing! You think he's going to wait around for you forever! I-He's got women throwing themselves at him! Why don't I take one of them, then? Maybe I will! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Then you'd get everything! Lucky numbers: 16 and 30.

LIBRA - Take a day for yourself. Put on your drabbest, most comfortable clothes. Even if they are in the hamper. Take them out and put them on. Rent a zamboni and cruise the town.

SCORPIO - Something unexpected will happen today but, if I tell you what it is, it won't be unexpected anymore. Do you want a hint, Scorpio? It has something to do with your mom and a bus. That's all I can say. I've said too much already. No, really. Let it go. Just trust that you will be shocked. Stop harassing me! I CONTROL THE STARS!!! I CAN MAKE IT SO THAT YOU WERE NEVER BORN!!! Ironically, after today, you'll be wishing for that. That's my last hint, though. Man, I'm so talkative around you. Lucky numbers: 1, 8, and 7.

SAGITTARIUS - Today's the day to ask your boss for a promotion. You're going to walk right up to your boss, kiss him square on the lips and say, "I deserve a promotion." If that doesn't work, start doing the Raj dance from "What's Happening!!" while singing "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls. The confusion of fast-paced Raj dancing and the sadness of the "City of Angels" song will distract him enough for you to handcuff yourself to him. Now visibly swallow the key and rub your belly to act like it was delicious. Also, if he has bolt cutters (Where do you work that the boss has those lying around?), swallow those too. After he agrees to the promotion, take him to dinner. You're stuck with each other for a while anyway!

CAPRICORN - Take advice from wherever you can get it because all of your ideas up to this point have been duds, you stupid goat. Here's an idea - stick your head in an oven! Or how about getting high and playing with your father's gun? I know, take up snake charming. Anything would be better than using the air that belongs to more important people! Treat yourself to a manicure!

AQUARIUS - You have an artistic side and it's time to show it, Water Person. Take every flier offered on the street today. Make a collage out of them and submit it to a gallery. Don't worry if the gallery takes the collage, walks a little bit away from you, and throws it in the garbage. That's just what happens. Keep at it and eventually a gallery will hold onto it and show it. Also, don't answer the phone between the hours of 6 and 9!

PISCES - What's up, Fish? Neptune is claiming you as his bitch so you are going to have to live under his rules. (Cue Barry White.) Neptune likes his fish sexy so put on some makeup and learn how to work a pole. It's going to be a long term if you fight it so give in early and try to enjoy it. Neptune takes care of those that take care of him. So do as 2 In A Room would have you do and "wiggle it." Also, make a cake for fun!

Kanye West's Taylor Swift Apology (Deleted Parts)

As many of you know, Kanye West jumped on the stage yesterday during Taylor Swift's acceptance speech for Best Female Video at the MTV VMAs. Kanye took Taylor Swift's microphone and told the audience that Beyonce should have won. Well, Kanye was feeling bad about the whole thing and put an apology up on his blog.

I would link to the blog but it's not currently working so here is what he put up on it:

“I’M SOOOOO SORRY TO TAYLOR SWIFT AND HER FANS AND HER MOM. I SPOKE TO HER MOTHER RIGHT AFTER AND SHE SAID THE SAME THING MY MOTHER WOULD’VE SAID. SHE IS VERY TALENTED! I LIKE THE LYRICS ABOUT BEING A CHEERLEADER AND SHE’S IN THE BLEACHERS! …………………… I’M IN THE WRONG FOR GOING ON STAGE AND TAKING AWAY FROM HER MOMENT!…………….. BEYONCE’S VIDEO WAS THE BEST OF THIS DECADE!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FANS IF I LET YOU GUYS DOWN!!!! I’M SORRY TO MY FRIENDS AT MTV. I WILL APOLOGIZE TO TAYLOR 2MRW. WELCOME TO THE REAL WORLD!!!! EVERYBODY WANNA BOOOOO ME BUT I’M A FAN OF REAL POP CULTURE!!! NO DISRESPECT BUT WE WATCHIN’ THE SHOW AT THE CRIB RIGHT NOW CAUSE … WELL YOU KNOW!!!! I’M STILL HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!!! BOOOYAAAWWWW!!!! YOU ARE VERY VERY TALENTED!!! I GAVE MY AWARDS TO OUTKAST WHEN THEY DESERVED IT OVER ME… THAT’S WHAT IT IS!!!!!!! I’M NOT CRAZY YALL, I’M JUST REAL. SORRY FOR THAT!!! I REALLY FEEL BAD FOR TAYLOR AND I’M SINCERELY SORRY!!! MUCH RESPECT!!!!!”

Now, we here at Tor's Take were fortunate enough to get the parts that Kanye deleted just before posting. It just warms my heart to work with such a crack research team. (And not a crack team on research. Am I right?) This stuff is pretty shocking. Anyway, without further ado:

"TAYLOR'S VOICE IS WEAKER THAN A HO WITH A ROOFIE!!! SHE'S STILL MAD TALENTED, THOUGH!!!!"

"LISTEN YALL, IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE COUNTRY MUSIC...IT'S REALLY GOOD!! I JUST THINK WE SHOULD BURN THAT MOTHER F'N OPRY TO THE GROUND!!!!!!"

"I'M HAPPY FOR TAYLOR!!! I KNOW I MAY HAVE RUINED HER MOMENT BUT IT'S NOT LIKE I SHOWED UP AT HER WEDDING AND TOLD HER I WAS BETTER THAN THE GROOM!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THAT!! ESPECIALLY SINCE SHE WILL NEVER FIND LOVE!!! CONGRATS, T-SWIFT!!!!"

"!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"TAYLOR IS BEAUTIFUL!!! I'D LOVE TO WORK WITH HER ONE DAY!!!!! THEN SHE COULD KNOW WHAT REAL MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE!!!! BOOOOOOOOYEEEEEE!!!"

"I HOPE HER NASTY TEENAGE ASS GETS HIT BY A BUS!!!!! SHE LOOKED HOT IN THAT DRESS!!! MUCH LOVE!!!!!!!"

"I LIKE THE SONG WHERE SHE TALKS ABOUT LOVE AND HIGH SCHOOL AND, PROBABLY TWILIGHT!!! THAT ONE'S ON MY IPOD!!!"

"TAYLOR'S MOM IS SO GREAT!!! I'D HAVE TO RANK HER IN THE TOP 100 MILLION OF MOMS!!!"

"MY FANS ARE EVERYTHING TO ME!!! I HOPE THEY DON'T RUN OUT ON ME....BUT IF THEY DO, I HAVE A LIST OF THOSE FANS I WOULD BE FINE WITH SEEING GO!!!!! I'LL POST THAT LATER, SON!!!!!"

"I JUST DID WHAT ANYONE ELSE WOULD HAVE DONE!!! MY BEST FRIEND TOTALLY AGREES....AND I LOVE HIM FOR THAT!!!! IT'S TOO BAD HE'S TRAPPED IN THAT RECTANGLE OF GLASS ABOVE MY BATHROOM SINK!!!!! I'LL GET YOU OUT!!!!!!!!!"

"I KEEP WATCHING THE YOUTUBE VIDEO OVER AND OVER HOPING THAT THIS TIME I WON'T GET UP AND TAKE THE MIC FROM HER BUT EVERY TIME SHE STILL WINS SO IT PLAYS OUT THE RIGHT WAY!!!! TAYLOR'S GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!"

"THIS IS LIFE!!! THE WRONG PEOPLE WIN ALL THE TIME!!!! TAKE ME FOR EXAMPLE!!! I'M ALWAYS SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE THAT SHOULDN'T WIN!!!"

"REMEMBER WHEN TAYLOR WAS ON SNL AND SHE PLAYED ANNIE!!! SHE WAS SO GREAT!!! IT MADE ME WISH SHE WAS AN ORPHAN FOR REAL!!!!!!! XOXOX!!!!!"

Looks Like Some Fun, Feels Like A Cheetah

A cheetah in Ohio broke the land speed record held by a cheetah in South Africa. Apparently zoos run 100 meter dashes with their cheetahs. I don't want to sound like a speciesist (which is a real thing) but are we at a point in society where we say one cheetah is faster than another? Is it really going to say under "Fastest Animal" in the Guiness Book of World Records, "Sarah the cheetah," rather than "cheetah?"

Sarah better watch out. Zaza, another female cheetah in South Africa, is taking a run at the new record once the weather clears. I guess we don't want the elements to interfere with our cheetah races. Zaza might be under speculation though. Not because she might be a male - that doesn't matter. I'm concerned she might be Usain Bolt in a cheetah suit. Check for zippers.

The picture was already posed that way. Coincidence?

Look, we all had childhood crushes on Cheetara.

Meee-ooow! Am I right?

And this may be all fine and good when the Thundercats actually do come to our planet but, until then, can we not individualize man-killing animals? This is how it starts. You let them run some races. Everyone's having a good time.

Person 1: Oh, look how fast Raj the Cheetah runs.

Person 2: Ingrid at the San Diego Zoo would run circles around Raj.

Person 1: You're crazy!

And then, BOOM!

No more humans.

That's how we took out the dinosaurs.

They're watching a human race on the TV.

(Cue ominous music) You've been warned.

Brandon Marshall: Role Model

Brandon Marshall, the wide receiver for the Denver Broncos, is in talks for a large contract extension despite his horrible behavior in preseason practices. If you are unaware of his behavior, watch the first 45 seconds of this video. After all of that nonsense (ass clownity?), how does he get rewarded? How? Maybe this is the way it works. Maybe this is how I should be doing comedy. I'm pretty talented. I deserve better. Until I get my own sitcom (or this entry ends), I'm going to mail it in, too.

Mail It In Section

I'm the best comedy blogger out there. I don't need this blog. I could blow your mind right now with humorous thoughts. Believe that.

How much longer until this is over?

The fish used in McDonald's Filet-O-Fish sandwich is at risk due to overfishing. You know what's not at risk? Me attempting to come up with a good joke for that because I'm not going to overfish for a punchline. Hey-o!

Who wants my top 10 list of other things Joe Wilson contemplated yelling before settling on "You Lie?" Well, too bad. It's a shame, too, because three of them involve dinosaurs. What Who?

Are we done? Can I go home now? More? Fine.

Whitney Houston had her first number one album in 16 years. Does that mean we should throw a Super Sweet birthday party for her drug addiction? Ack! Ack! Ack!

Katherine Heigl is adopting a Korean baby. Expect her to call adoption degrading to women in about 6 months. Did that joke's knees just slide across the rug cause that's a burn!!!

Ellen Degeneres is going to be the 4th judge on American Idol next season. Fox is already installing a mama chair in the Nokia Theater and the Top 24 will get Ellen underwear. Pa-dow!

Done now? Good.

It's on you, Hollywood!

Thanks, Brandon Marshall. You're an inspiration.

It's 9 day!

People are going crazy of 9/9/09. This is the biggest thing to happen since 8/8/08. In honor of this numerically fantastic day, I've come up with some things to do to honor it.

• Clone Your Own Baseball Team - Imagine 9 of you playing the field at the same time. How excited will you be when you hit a home run and you get a high five from yourself when you cross home plate, not to mention all the dugout celebrations with yourself. Sure, as with any large number of clones, the abilities will worsen. That's why you put the 9th you in right field. It's little league all over again.
• Lose A Finger - You're going to be counting to 9 a lot today. Which finger doesn't get included in all of that counting? Hard to choose. Get rid of one and you won't have to worry. I'm a righty so I would get rid of one on my left hand. Which one? Thumbs are important. You need to point. I'm happily married so that one's a keeper. That leaves pinky and middle. No contest. I prefer to look snobby when I drink tea over showing my disapproval with a gesture. Which finger would you get rid of?
• Make A Love Potion - Who says Gypsies are the only ones that can make a magical love elixir? Not this guy. Mix a bunch of liquids together. Stay away from anything underneath the sink. Do I really need to remind you? What are you, 4? If that doesn't work, add some freesia to a bottle of Axe. Ladies love freesia and Axe if commercials and The Body Shop have taught me anything. It can't be wrong to make something that brainwashes the opposite sex into loving you against their will. It just can't.
• William Henry Harrison It Up - He was our 9th President and what better way to pay tribute to him than to get your dream job and die 32 days later? Obviously, this isn't something you can do by the end of the day but just starting it would really mean something to Ol' Billy Hank.
• Rewrite A Prince Song - Take the song 1999. Throw a party. Rerecord the chorus to say "Tonight we're gonna party like it's Nine O Nine O Nine." Put it on repeat for the entire party. The attendees will love it at first, then hate it around hour two, but they'll come back around in hour 4. You're welcome.

If you have anymore, send them my way. I'd love to do more.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/4/09

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about last week. So, they might be a little old.

Lindsey Lohan and Jessica Simpson were among a list of celebrities that, if you Google them, may result in a virus. While some would laugh and say, "That's just common knowledge," I would say, "I didn't know they were still considered celebrities."

Melanie Griffith has checked into rehab again after exhibiting erratic behavior in which she demanded to be surrounded by the color yellow. "I did everything I could to help her," said a dejected Antonio Banderas dressed as Big Bird.

The founder of Papa John's has finally tracked down his 1971 Camaro that he sold to save his father's business in the early 80s. It cost him $250,000 which is pretty steep. That's like 25,000 terrible pizzas.

A truck driver drove his 13.5 foot truck into a 12 foot tunnel because his GPS routed him that way. The truck driver was unavailable for comment because his friend called and told him to jump off a bridge.

The federal government sent stimulus checks to almost 4000 prison inmates. The government said this was an accident and, despite what the inmates say, there is no such thing as "Cash for Clinkers."

Tomorrow, Apple will release Snow Leopard their new smaller, sleeker, and more powerful operating system for the Mac. A representative for Microsoft panicked, looked all around, and said, "We have a great new operating system too! Yeah, it's called the Ceiling Microphone Reporter Shoes."

Despite rumors, Megan Fox has not been cast as Catwoman in the next "Batman" movie. Still no word on whether she will be 7th grader Tom Grorsky's future wife.

Federal Reserve Board chairman Ben Bernanke was the victim of identity theft recently. The thief will require two jail cells, one for him and one for his super giant balls.

Jon Gosselin refuted claims that say he wants to get off his show, "Jon and Kate Plus 8." Jon then secretly went on a younger, less child-having show.

Last night, NFL Network aired Michael Vick's first game since serving his prison sentence. NFL Network said it was like airing any other game except the credits needed to include "No animals were harmed in the making of this game."

Possible Duets for Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga

With the news of Michael Bolton and Lady Gaga collaborating on a duet. If they update their own songs, I believe these are possibilities.

Michael Bolton Side:

1. How Can We Be Lovers (No, Seriously, I'm Not Sure How To Do You)
2. Time, Love, and Ridiculousness
3. When A Man Loves A Whatever-You-Are

Lady Gaga Side:

1. Just Dance (Boring and Slow Remix)
2. Poker Face (Boring and Slow Remix)
3. LoveGame (Boring and Slow Remix)

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/3/09

The guy who played the Green Ranger on "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" is trying to break into MMA fighting. The main problem is he won't get in the ring. He just wants to do voice over while a Japanese guy fights in his place.

A man in Tampa, Florida, could not cash a check at a Bank of America because they require a thumb print and the man was born without arms. An accord has still not been achieved because, in order to reach an agreement, Bank of America must shake on it.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. "We've really made a lot of wonderful changes during my administration," said Mayor Lawn Gnome.

Madison, Wisconsin, officially named the pink plastic flamingo its official bird, honoring a college prank from the 70s. In related news, there was a split vote on making toilet paper the official tree.

------------------------------------------------------------

The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Barney Frank lashed out at a protester for carrying a poster of Barack Obama sporting a Hitler mustache. Frank was angry because he prefers his Obama in more of a Selleck.

Bernie Madoff's lover has written a tell-all book in which she mentions that Madoff had "a very small penis." So that's why he was rolling around in such a BIG Ponzi scheme.

Johnny Knoxville announced he and his wife are having a baby boy. A crew will be on hand at the birth to film the mother shooting the baby out of her body directly into Knoxville's crotch.

Michelle Obama is under scrutiny for wearing shorts in public last week. Newspapers are calling it the biggest White House fashion faux pas since Taft's thong.

Police are looking for two men who stole over $1 million in merchandise from a JCPenney. Police are not sure where to begin but they assume they are on the lookout for two men carrying a large building filled with customers and employees.

The winner of the women's world 800 meters is being asked to take a gender test because she has masculine qualities. Her gender was brought into question when she crossed the finish line 6 inches before her torso did.

Usain Bolt was honored by the city of Berlin by receiving a 3 ton section of the Berlin Wall. Bolt thanked the mayor of Berlin, picked up the Wall, and ran back to Jamaica in 48 seconds.

Miley Cyrus was spotted "full-on making out" at the Nashville Airport though her father claims it was just a peck. Billy Ray would know because he was sitting between them at the time.

The debate continues on whether Pluto is a planet. In response, Mickey said, "Look, he's old and he's always hungry. What am I supposed to do?"

Congresswoman Maxine Waters, in a recent town hall meeting, referred to some of the senators opposed to health care reform as "Neanderthals." Though this seems ridiculous, the Capital building is installing wooden club detectors as a precautionary measure.

A groundskeeper at a golf course found a 10-pound tooth that paleontologists believe came from a mammoth. The scientists were sure it came from a mammoth after they counted to 32 inside Hilary Swank's mouth.

Freakin' Greedy Planet

BP, one of the world's energy leaders, has discovered a "giant" oil field in the Gulf of Mexico. I just knew the Earth was holding out on us. Time to take action.

Dear My Planet,

It is with great regret that I write this letter on behalf of the energy-needing inhabitants of you. You really hurt our feelings with this one. How could you hog all that awesome oil? Did you think we wouldn't find it? It's the Gulf of Mexico. That's like hiding it in your sock.

Have you not noticed all that work we've been putting into solar energy and wind energy because we thought the oil was going away. All that work could have gone to better things like building machines to harvest that oil. Even though I have low self-esteem, I'm going to face up when I walk from now on because I can't even look at you. What else are you hiding, Earth? Are you putting whispers of anti-universal health care propaganda on the midwestern winds? Are you using natural reflectors to intensify the sun's heat to melt the ice caps thus tricking us into believing in global warming?

I'd like to say this whole thing can go away with a formal apology but it's time to hand down a punishment. It's going to cost you one rainforest and three pandas. It's a real shame it had to come to this but we need you to know we're serious and to ensure that this sort of planetary insubordination does not happen again.

Sincerely,

Kevin Tor

Human Representative of Earth

PS - We're taking three from your "Top 5 List of Pandas." You shouldn't keep a blog with animal rankings. That really came back to bite you on your ass/Australia.

Tor's News Nuggets: 9/1/09

Whitney Houston released a new album today. Whitney says she's excited to have a whole new set of songs that people will immediately change the station upon hearing.

Reports are coming in that Iran updated their nuclear package. Unfortunately, Iran was the victim of spam because there is no pill that can "add 6 inches of girth to your nuclear package."

Sarah Palin's first major speaking engagement since leaving office will be in Hong Kong. This is a smart move because there's a better excuse when no one understands what the hell she's talking about.

549 musicians have come together to set the record for the largest mariachi band. They were immediately followed by 549 old women offering "rose for the lady."

549 musicians have come together as a mariachi band to set a world record. They set the record for "Most Audience Members Stabbing Themselves In The Ear."**

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The following are some jokes that I submitted to the iPhone app about 2 weeks ago. So, they might be a little old.

Bob Dylan, walking without ID, was detained after police officers did not recognize him while on patrol. His son, Jakob, showed up to help but that just made things worse.

A new study shows that dogs can smell cancer. So, I guess every dog has ass cancer.

Simon Fraser University is introducing a grade worse than an F. The grade is based on the end of Brett Favre's career.

90 percent of US dollar bills have traces of cocaine. The other 10 percent were handled as part of a clean-up project by the 1986 Mets.

Jenny Sanford, in an interview with Vanity Fair, said that she is willing to reconcile with her husband but "the ball is in his court." At least he got one back.

Eric Dane, "McSteamy" on "Grey's Anatomy," says that a video of he and his wife frolicking naked with another woman is "not a sex tape." So, it's a serious medical drama tape?

Michael Jackson's burial date has been set for September 3rd, over 2 months after he passed away. Good thing he started preserving his body 30 years ago.

After a mixup at the recruiting office, Steve Spurrier and other top college football coaches heavily recruited a trumpet player. Nothing was suspected because the recruit kept answering yes to the question, "Do you have the brass to compete at our school?"

Mozart apparently died of strep throat. If only he had come down with it when he was 235, we could have fixed him.

Paris Hilton was sued $8.3 million in damages by the producers of "Pledge This!" for not doing enough to promote the film. The judge threw out the case saying it was ridiculous to think Paris Hilton could do...well, anything.

** Also acceptable: "Fastest Audience Exit" or "Most Pant Studs"