Reasons I Will Never Be A Good Stand Up Comic

I know you should never say never but I feel strongly that I have no business being a stand up comic. It's not a matter of being funny. I'm hilarious. Ask my friends.* The problem is that there are a whole lot of supporting aspects that I'm terrible at.

• The Stage Arrival Handshake - When you arrive on stage, you shake the host's hand in appreciation of an intro that makes you seem better than you are. I miss this handshake fairly often. The host and I end up with a fingertip grab that should continue into a Brandon/Dylan or Zack/AC hand snap but it never does. Instead, it finishes awkwardly with an apology from me and a knowing smirk from the host that says, "Knock 'em dead, limp hand."
• The Microphone Stand - I lack the technical skills to adjust the height of any microphone stand and I am never the same height as the host. All of the great comics get up on stage and immediately adjust the height of the mic stand. This gives them the option of holding the mic or putting it back into the stand so they can use both hands to assist a joke. I will forever be stuck providing one hand's worth of assistance to my humor.
• Stage Movement - I plant my feet on the stage and don't move until my set is done. My rigidity shows a complete lack of comfort and has to be off-putting to the audience. I might as well impale myself ass-wise on the mic stand (not using it anyway) and dangle. At least it would get a laugh.
• Audience Banter - The audience scares me. They have better ideas than me. They are funnier. They are much better at name calling. If I give them any kind of an opening, the audience will side with them. Hell, I would, too. "You suck?" I can't compete with that.
• Enjoying Laughter - When the audience laughs at something I say, my first thought is "I hope this doesn't go on too long. I prepared a certain amount of material and I need to get through all of it." From conversations that I've had with other comics, this is not the correct way to think. Apparently, I should let the laughter run its course. Soak in the moment. Well, there's no time to soak. The red light's coming sooner into my material now.
• The Red Light - The red light comes on one minute before the comic's time is up. It tells you to start wrapping it up. If you take too long to finish up, the host can come on stage and wrap your set up for you. This is embarrassing and can give you a bad reputation. Not wanting to fall into this problem, I wrap up as soon as the light comes on. Light. "Thanks, I'm Kevin Tor." It's awkward to never end on punch lines.

* Before you do, tell me which friend you are going to ask. He or she might be out of town and unable to answer. I want to save you the call.