Things That Better Not Happen On Lost

This may need a Spoiler Alert as it will probably hit things that have happened. How can it not?

• The smoke monster approaches the temple to complete its mission. As Jack and the others prepare for the worst, Deep Purple emerges to rock the island's socks off.
• John Locke, sitting in front of the computer, gets a command from a higher force that he has to "murder all." Not sure what that means, he types it into Google which suggests "murderball" instead. Locke falls in love with quad rugby and never fulfills his destiny.
• Sawyer takes over for Mystery in a redo of VH1's The Pickup Artist where he replaces the concept of peacocking with drawltagging in which the predator subdues his prey with a fine Southern accent and adorable nicknaming.
• A final flash happens on the island bringing Sun and Jin face to face. Unfortunately, the flash blinded both of them resulting in Sun and Jin never seeing each other again.
• The Dharma shark beaches himself because no one paid him enough attention.
• Richard becomes a spokesman for Cover Girl's new product, Mysterious Eyeland Liner.
• Jack outlasts everyone else on the island in the season finale. As he yells "Why?" to the sky, balloons fall and musical fanfare plays as Jeff Probst congratulates him.
• Walt reappears on the island. Unfortunately, he looks 57 but he's trying to play the 13 he's supposed to be.
• The polar bear corners Hurley in the woods. Hurley closes his eyes to await his doom. Time ticks. He slowly opens his eyes to see the polar bear standing before him offering him a Coke.
• Ben falls down and breaks his jaw. He is not bothered so much by the pain but by the fact that his wired-shut jaw won't allow him to display his open-mouthed emotions.
• Bernard comes down with the wrong kind of jungle fever. Paralysis follows and ultimately death.
• Sayid encounters a bomb and has to defuse it. The majority of the episode focuses on Juliette Binoche praying for his safety as she tends to Ralph Fiennes.
• Kate eludes Edward Mars in every universe. In one universe, Edward chases Kate into a room with no way out. Kate paints a door on the wall and uses it. Edward runs at the door but smashes into the wall.