Wednesday, August 19, 2009

A Man's Man's Review of "He's Just Not That Into You"

In order to prepare myself for this chick flick, I threw down five brewskis (or brewdawgs, depending on your geographical location) and waited for them to reach my bladder. I took the DVD out of the case and peed all over it before I popped it into the player. After a quick run to Best Buy to get a new DVD player (and a "defective" disc return to Blockbuster), I settled in with a bucket of wings and a mini-keg of Heineken.

After I press play, there's a little girl building a sand castle and this boy comes up to her and pushes her to the ground. It's hilarious. I almost spit out my beer. That girl grows up, I think, and she has hot friends like the girl from "The Hulk" and Rachel from "Friends." They start blabbering about something dumb that I could not understand, probably "Sex and the City."

From what I could tell, "Hulk" girl is married to the douchebag from "Wedding Crashers" but he's not happy with her after falling for Scarlett Johansson at a grocery store. Rachel wants to marry Good Will Hunting's boyfriend but he won't because he knows he's getting cow milk for free. Smart dude. The original girl wants E from "Entourage" but E is into ScarJo who is best friends with the grown up version of the girl from "Firestarter." Original girl finds out E is really not into her (hey, like the title) from the mouth of the Mac (or the PC, it's the less nerdy one) guy. 

So "Wedding Crashers" guy starts having an affair with ScarJo which is implied as I never get to see any boobs. They make out but that's not cheating. I let it play while I go use the can. These wings are going right through me.

We're back. I took a little longer than expected because the bisexual girl from "House" is on the cover of the new Maxim. Holy crap! She's an 11! What's going on in the movie? Oh look, original girl is being boring while on the phone with the Mac guy (Googled it). What a surprise. This movie blows. I'm going to line up some shots of Jager. Something's going to get me through this.

Drinking game: Every time a girl on the screen whines, I do a shot.

Firestarrter!1! tWistd Fieestarrer! Woowoowoowoo! Woowoowowowooo!! Wrapp e in a papoose and wakl him around towm! This moovieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Oh my head. I must have blacked out. Why is the Mac guy kissing that first girl? Why did Affleck ask Rachel to marry him? What's wrong with these guys? Why did they give up? I give it 2 balls undescended. I'm going to the bar to drink through this headache and find some women without convictions.


phishr said...

nice idea! I'd keep this up. Call out the "a real man would never do that" moments. It's like a reality check to these dreamers

Heather M. Grout said...

I have visions of Drew Barrymore dancing to the Prodigy in my head. Thank you for this. )Crispin Glover joined the party, but maybe that's because this movie lacks the much needed LSD trip.) I do love that the tertiary gay men in this film are the voices of reason, over the girls' supposed best friends who delude each other into thinking they are "the exception" to the heavy-fisted rule of Peen.